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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My bf keeps promising things that dont happen. How would you approach this?

423 replies

NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 08:41

I have been with my bf for a while now, to the point where we are looking at moving in together. Our kids love each other and the relationship is wonderful. We both came out of abusive relationships, mine was more mental, his ex physically attacked him many times.
However he promises things that dont appear and it's really starting to get to me. My ex would promise me things as a form of control so I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive about this.
A couple of examples, his dp are planning their yearly family trip in march, his dp take him and his daughter away to a haven type place and he asked if I wanted to do with my kids. I said I'd love too but I cant afford a holiday this year, he said no problem he would pay the extra for a bigger caravan some could go. They are going in march and since the initial conversation it's not come up again.
It's also my middle sons birthday at the beginning of march I mentioned to bf I was upset that I couldnt afford a party he said dont worry he would transfer me the money soni could book something small. That was a couple of weeks ago and nothing. He stays at mine a few nights a week (he lives with his parents) and inhave to drive a 40 min round trip to get him as he doesnt drive, hes always promising petrol money and to do food shop etc to cover some of the cost but these things never come. He has paid for petrol a couple of times.

I'm not sure how to say to him to stop promising things if he cant deliver them. I dont want it to effect the relationship but i know if dont say something soon I'll snap and itll cause a massive argument.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 16/02/2020 10:04

And as an aside, get onto CSA for those maintanance payments

Original poster
NatureWalk · 16/02/2020 10:06

@PrettyyGood I've paid the council off now.

@nettletea I've contacted the csa but it takes time for them to sort it

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 16/02/2020 10:43

At no point have I said take him back.
I just want to see if he will pay anything, if he thought he had a chance.
Why should OP not chance her arm, when he is sending I love you messages.
Anything he sent would be a gain.

Mamia15 · 16/02/2020 10:45

I would do the Freedom programme - sounds like you're vulnerable to abuse and being preyed on.

Mix56 · 16/02/2020 10:46

The above council tax issue takes the biscuit. He couldn't even help with that....but still happy to be collected & bring his DD over so your kids can play, him make zero effort, & park himself on your sofa eating your food... Stunning.
He will be back with flowers, he won't want to spend his w/e at his parents & take care of his DD. they are probably pleased he has a GF & delighted he was talking of leaving soon !!!!

Ellisandra · 16/02/2020 10:47

So you’ve just posted that he has your bank details from the couple of times he sent you a tenner.

How does that fit with him not transferring pizza money after the “forgotten wallet” Hmm because he “doesn’t trust online banking”?

Whatever else he says and does now - keep that lie very firmly in mind.

To be honest - he was a boyfriend of less than 6 months, he shouldn’t have been paying your council tax. But he certainly shouldn’t have offered and not followed through - and he absolutely shouldn’t have been causing you additional cost!

Original poster
NatureWalk · 16/02/2020 10:54

@ellisandra but if he had paid me for petrol/food like he kept offering and not doing I could have easily paid my council tax.

OP posts:
Original poster
NatureWalk · 16/02/2020 10:57

For christmas I bought him tickets to an event in march he was desperate to attend, they are pinned to my fridge. I'm so tempted to text him and say I'm selling the tickets as I'm desperate for money and see what happens.

OP posts:
MaybeNew · 16/02/2020 10:58

I might be spiteful but I would contact his parents and tell them that you have ended up paying for everything in your relationship because of their DS’s avoidance of paying a fair share. Point out that you are now in debt by X pounds because you believed him when he said he would transfer his share. I would emphasise that he has not given you petrol money for even 1 of the many lifts he has taken from you and that the final straw was when he chose to buy cigarettes for himself rather than buy pizza for all of the children as he had promised. They should know what they have created.

Mamia15 · 16/02/2020 10:58

Sell them anyway. Fuck him.

DioneTheDiabolist · 16/02/2020 10:59

Oh OP, I can tell this is really difficult for you.Sad You are doing so well, please dont text him again.Flowers

Original poster
NatureWalk · 16/02/2020 11:01

@MaybeNew I think they already know, hes always getting phone calls off his parents asking him to pay back money and when i go round his mum is always yelling x you said you would wash up why hasnt it been done/why do.inhave to fetch your washing out of your room etc etc. I should have realised hes a giant man child.

OP posts:
OvalCanvas · 16/02/2020 11:14

You've done so well op , you've made a huge change to improve your life. Now it's time to focus on you and your family.

If you ever find yourself thinking about his needs, refocus. Think about what you need and why you're fixated on him. Plam some positive things for your kids...phone step change if there's debt. You will be fine and this is the turning point.

OvalCanvas · 16/02/2020 11:16

*plan

timeisnotaline · 16/02/2020 11:33

Sell the tickets, don’t use them as a reason to contact him.

YasssKween · 16/02/2020 11:48

Sell the tickets, don't think twice about that! You got them, they're your property and you need the equivalent in cash x

Trahira · 16/02/2020 12:01

Well done OP. I know you must be feeling really sad and low today, but you have done so well to explain to him exactly what the problem was and then stay strong when he tried to make it up to with I love yous. It sounds like more reasons to stay split up with him keep occurring to you, which should help to strengthen your resolve. It's still a sad day for you though.

Cotswolds10 · 16/02/2020 12:02

@NatureWalk Yes, please don’t contact him over the tickets. Just sell them and put the money towards your children. If he owes his parents money, then it does seem that he just doesn’t have any or is overspending on himself. So he’ll never be able to pay you back or pay his way in the future. And he is clearly a lazy bastard at home, too. He’d be a nightmare to live with. Move on, for your children’s sake, but for your own too.

cstaff · 16/02/2020 12:03

Sell the tickets and don't you dare feel bad about it for one minute. They don't account for a fraction of what this tight ass fucker owes you and your kids.

InCognitoZombie · 16/02/2020 12:04

What did he get you for Christmas op?

Trahira · 16/02/2020 12:07

He gave her the trip to London.

Original poster
NatureWalk · 16/02/2020 12:09

@InCognitoZombie the trip to london

OP posts:
Noconceptofnormal · 16/02/2020 12:18

OP, whilst this guy is obviously a cocklodger and you're well shot of him I think you now need to use this time to start having a better handle on how you spend your money yourself.

You say you'd never out a man over your kids but unwittingly this is what you have done - you seem to have had money to buy this bloke tickets to something he really wanted to do but not for your kid's party.

You are getting letters because you haven't paid your council tax, fair enough your ex hadn't paid child support, but you shouldn't be in a situation where you don't even have £300 to pay your vou council tax if at the same time you're ferrying around a man, and buying his DD stuff, and I'm sure you've bought him other things not listed here.

Even now it sounds like you want to wave the tickets in his face to try and get a reaction. Just stop communicating with him, block his number, focus on your kids and sorting your finances out so you're not always skint.

SixesandEights · 16/02/2020 12:22

OP, please don't contact this man again. Block him from all contacts you can, and make the first steps towards moving on. One of those steps is to forget about those tickets and to sell them so that you have some money for bills.

Februaryfervour · 16/02/2020 12:25

Op always look at deeds and actions not empty promises. You've done the right thing.