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AIBU?

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Original poster

My bf keeps promising things that dont happen. How would you approach this?

423 replies

NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 08:41

I have been with my bf for a while now, to the point where we are looking at moving in together. Our kids love each other and the relationship is wonderful. We both came out of abusive relationships, mine was more mental, his ex physically attacked him many times.
However he promises things that dont appear and it's really starting to get to me. My ex would promise me things as a form of control so I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive about this.
A couple of examples, his dp are planning their yearly family trip in march, his dp take him and his daughter away to a haven type place and he asked if I wanted to do with my kids. I said I'd love too but I cant afford a holiday this year, he said no problem he would pay the extra for a bigger caravan some could go. They are going in march and since the initial conversation it's not come up again.
It's also my middle sons birthday at the beginning of march I mentioned to bf I was upset that I couldnt afford a party he said dont worry he would transfer me the money soni could book something small. That was a couple of weeks ago and nothing. He stays at mine a few nights a week (he lives with his parents) and inhave to drive a 40 min round trip to get him as he doesnt drive, hes always promising petrol money and to do food shop etc to cover some of the cost but these things never come. He has paid for petrol a couple of times.

I'm not sure how to say to him to stop promising things if he cant deliver them. I dont want it to effect the relationship but i know if dont say something soon I'll snap and itll cause a massive argument.

OP posts:
Pippin2028 · 14/02/2020 10:25

Its easy to say things and actions are harder, I read a story yesterday about a lady whos husband was promising everything but nothing ever came to fruition. Promises and saying things are easy. You will need to talk to him and be honest with eachother.

Drum2018 · 14/02/2020 10:26

Get rid. If you cannot simply come out and ask him about the holiday in march then you are in now way ready to move in with him. You should be comfortable enough to have an open discussion. In any case he sounds like a bit of a dick so maybe it's best you found out now rather than when he moves in and takes you for every penny you have.

Daenerys77 · 14/02/2020 10:26

I think you need to have an honest conversation with him and/or start looking for someone who can drive and does not live with his parents.

Foslady · 14/02/2020 10:30

Get rid. If you cannot simply come out and ask him about the holiday in march then you are in now way ready to move in with him. You should be comfortable enough to have an open discussion. In any case he sounds like a bit of a dick so maybe it's best you found out now rather than when he moves in and takes you for every penny you have.*

This - in spades

Techway · 14/02/2020 10:31

How long have you known him? He is training you well, living at parents and you running around to pick him up. I guess you cook for him as well??

Of course he will want to move in, what is the downside for him? What will you lose.

Don't rush this, he doesn't sound a good bet. I wonder if he did the same to his Ex?

HaudMaDug · 14/02/2020 11:00

Actions speak louder than words and its seems like your DP does a lot of talking.
Stop listening to his BS and look at what he is delivering on.
That's right F all. Get rid before you waste any more of your time and money better spent on your children.

BlingLoving · 14/02/2020 11:02

I don't really understand why you would be considering moving in with a man who you don't seem to be able to talk to?

Assuming he's a good guy and this is all just a mistake because he's a bit chaotic and disorganised, you should be able to say, "DP, can you give me the petrol/food money because I'm really struggling" and "what's the plan for the holiday? It's coming soon and I want to start talking to the kids about what the options are" and "I know you said you'd help pay for DS' party. If we're going to do it we need to do it soon so do you think you can still afford it or should we let it go this time?"

the fact that you don't feel able to say any of this unfortunately makes me think that he's not entirely a good guy and that on some level he either knows you won't chase him and/or he's done things to make you feel like you can't. Either way, if you can't have these conversations, moving your relationship on is not going to be possible.

PuppyL0ve683 · 14/02/2020 11:14

How is he going to see his children if he moves in with you & doesn't drive ?

Will you loose any benefits if he moves in with you ? Will he pay the difference ?

How will he get to work, if he doesn't drive ?

He doesn't give you money NOW, what makes you think he will give you money in the future ?

Aquamarine1029 · 14/02/2020 11:23

Take the blinders off. He's a cocklodger, and the only one who doesn't see this is you. Why would you even consider moving in with a man who lives with his parents, doesn't drive, and doesn't contribute to your expenses even after promising to do so? He is playing you for a fool.

Hingeandbracket · 14/02/2020 11:28

LTB HTH

fedup21 · 14/02/2020 11:29

to the point where we are looking at moving in together.

I really wouldn’t.

He sounds like a cocklodger.

NameChangeNugget · 14/02/2020 11:33

He’s a ponce.

Talk is cheap and you really can do better than this parasite

FoamingAtTheUterus · 14/02/2020 11:40

Well if you weren't forking out money on this knobhead you'd be able to afford a cake and a packet of party rings for your child. 💁🏻‍♀️ Time to look at your priorities and I don't think he's it.

As for your son, few sweets and some bubbles for pass the parcel, bag of sausage rolls from Iceland, some crisps and sandwiches. Jelly and ice cream for pud and you have a party tea. You really don't need a handout from that loser.

Knittedfairies · 14/02/2020 11:51

If you can't talk to him about this without an argument, why are you thinking about living with him?

Original poster
NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 12:00

Thanks everyone. Theres 2 things I'm worried about. 1 with my ex everything was an argument to the point I stopped talking to him about things to avoid the argument and 2 I dont want him to think I'm just after his money. I wouldnt care about the party/holiday etc if he hadnt bought them up. I know I need to talk to him about it.
He knows I'm struggling for money to the point my parents leant me money this month to help me pay my bills.

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 14/02/2020 12:01

He is showing you pretty clewely what he is like and what it will co tonue to be like OP, why move in with him?

I'd you can't speak to him about money he OWES you then you shouldn't even be dating really. I would ask him to pay me the money he owes me and see how he responds and that will tell you a lot.

My guess is he will become mortally offended and a huge victim and paint you to be horrid or money grabbing so you never do it again. If not he'll carry on bullshittinflg you that he will do it 'next week'. Either way the huge red flags are out.

Ignore if you want OP but he's taking money away from you and your kids here. Fir gods sake don't make ANY arrangements for a move that involve anything in just your name, your name and he'll 'pay you back', you pay the deposit and moving costs etc and he pays for virtually nothing. Sorry OP but you need to be very wary of this it is easier to deal with it now than it will be once you've moved in.

FizzyGreenWater · 14/02/2020 12:03

The biggest red flag here is actually that you don't feel you can pull him up on this stuff... why not?

'I'll need you to transfer the petrol money that you promised before I come and pick you up on Friday - I'm afraid I just can't afford it otherwise.'

'Could you transfer X for a food shop for the weekend if you're coming over, I'm happy to get the food in in advance but I'd need you to cover this one'

'You mentioned paying the difference for a caravan - have you spoken to your parents about that yet? We'd love to come but only if it's ok with everyone, but if we were, we'd have to book soon.'

Normal conversation...

The dynamic is off here - and the likelihood is that he knows this full well, and might even be taking full advantage of it. Start having these perfectly normal conversations, and see (and evaluate) the responses you start getting. And ask yourself why you aren't doing this already. Puppy dog eyes? Clever leading off the subject when it comes to talking about who's eating what this time? Nowhere to be seen when you're at the petrol pump??

Wonder how much all that petrol has come to so far. Enough for a child's party I'll bet.

Needless to say, the last thing on earth you should be thinking of is moving in with him until this stuff is sorted - cast iron. And it won't be, because it's a 99% chance going on what you're said that he's a total cocklodger. Living with parents but won't even contribute to you coming to fetch him to stay with you, like some sort of fucking teenager?

I suggest you use the petrol thing as a way of opening this conversation. Outline just how much you've been spending and tell him you can no longer afford to sub him. And then wait for the puppy dog routine. and then dump him

Nanny0gg · 14/02/2020 12:03

So your parents are paying for him too?

Sounds quite a catch...

YasssKween · 14/02/2020 12:03

If you can't talk to him about this without an argument, why are you thinking about living with him?

I'm afraid I agree with this completely OP.

Why don't you just raise things in normal conversation instead of it being a big issue. If he means what he says then you aren't nagging him you're just discussing something already agreed, it should be chill!

"Ooh you know you said you would be able to help a little with funds for DS party, I found xyz to do that he'd love, is it still ok to send over a contribution?"

"I'm brassic this week, thank you for saying you'd pop over money towards the food shop, let me know when you have and I'll get cracking"

Those things shouldn't feel like you're chasing him or putting him on the spot. In an adult relationship you just talk 🤷🏻‍♀️ his prerogative if he sticks to his word or not and your prerogative how you react to him either sticking to it or not.

You are absolutely not ready to move in if this stuff feels awkward to you.

YasssKween · 14/02/2020 12:04

@FizzyGreenWater said everything I wanted to say but way more clearly Blush

FizzyGreenWater · 14/02/2020 12:06

with my ex everything was an argument to the point I stopped talking to him about things to avoid the argument

which will mean that it's obvious as hell to him that you won't push stuff and that's exactly why this user has stuck around and fleeced you. Normal conversation about normal financial stuff isn't 'an argument' - unless the person you're asking to do what they said they'd do is a using twat. In which case, it's best to know now, yes?

Do you know, if he knows your parents are subbing you and he is watching this and still not putting his hands in his pocket and letting you spend on petrol to ferry him around - he is FUCKING LOSER, and you actually need to dump him.

Ohnoherewego62 · 14/02/2020 12:07

He won't change.

Bringringbring · 14/02/2020 12:07

Op you have been with this 8 months

Slow the heck down!!

dreamingbohemian · 14/02/2020 12:08

He knows you don't have enough money to pay bills or have a birthday party for your son, and he still won't cover the expenses he causes you??

That is all you need to know. Get rid. The rest doesn't matter.

He is not actually caring for you or your DC.

Daenerys77 · 14/02/2020 12:09

If you are more afraid of having an argument than of being taken advantage of, you will be taken advantage of. Sad but true.