My bf keeps promising things that dont happen. How would you approach this?

[NatureWalk]

I have been with my bf for a while now, to the point where we are looking at moving in together. Our kids love each other and the relationship is wonderful. We both came out of abusive relationships, mine was more mental, his ex physically attacked him many times.
However he promises things that dont appear and it's really starting to get to me. My ex would promise me things as a form of control so I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive about this.
A couple of examples, his dp are planning their yearly family trip in march, his dp take him and his daughter away to a haven type place and he asked if I wanted to do with my kids. I said I'd love too but I cant afford a holiday this year, he said no problem he would pay the extra for a bigger caravan some could go. They are going in march and since the initial conversation it's not come up again.
It's also my middle sons birthday at the beginning of march I mentioned to bf I was upset that I couldnt afford a party he said dont worry he would transfer me the money soni could book something small. That was a couple of weeks ago and nothing. He stays at mine a few nights a week (he lives with his parents) and inhave to drive a 40 min round trip to get him as he doesnt drive, hes always promising petrol money and to do food shop etc to cover some of the cost but these things never come. He has paid for petrol a couple of times.

I'm not sure how to say to him to stop promising things if he cant deliver them. I dont want it to effect the relationship but i know if dont say something soon I'll snap and itll cause a massive argument.

Seriously OP. Your parents are helping you out and you're effectively spending that money on food and fuel for him rather than on you and your kids? And you're worried he might think you're after his money??

You need to talk to him OP. Not about the holiday promise but about the day to day expenses. If your ex has done such a number on you that you can't face having the conversation, then you're not ready to be dating anyone yet.

Massive red alert. He is saying these things to gain your affection but doesn't have the means to go ahead with it.

Do you know anything about his financial position? How much he earns, what his outgoings are, why he is living at his parents!

If not, it's crazy to even consider moving in with him.

Oh god don’t let him move in with you!
Sounds like you’re in a situation where you might lose benefits if he does, too?
He’s taking the piss.
The party and holiday I might understand - those are ideas that I might throw out, but be waiting for my husband to follow up on.
But you can’t afford to pay your own bills without bank of mum and dad, yet he’s adding to those bills? Seriously - you’re feeding him whilst your parents pay your bills? Do they know that?

Your previous relationship experience means you’re comparing shit to more shit.

I'm starting to worry that he isnt as financially stable as he says he is. Hes come over today and said just bow that he would pop out to get pizzas for the kids tea. Went to go out the door and said hes left his wallet at home. I said to him the kids will just have to eat what's in the house then as I'm completely broke. I will talk. To him tonight once the kids are in bed.

Am I right (from a previous thread) that you’ve been with him about 7-8 months?
That is no time at all to know someone well enough to make a decision about living with them, when you have 3 young children.
That’s what you do pre-kids, when it doesn’t matter if you make a mistake.
I’m actually (depending on how it’s done, and personalities of individuals) not against early-ish introduction of children, but at this stage, your children should not “love” his.

SLOW DOWN

At least you’re sitting up and questioning his behaviour now.

Forgot his wallet? Aye.

And it’s only 12:30, he only lives 20 minute away. He can get on the bus and go and get his wallet, can’t he? Bring it back to yours and open it to pay you back for all the food, bills and petrol he owes you.

You are too broke to even buy a couple of pizzas and have him pay you back tomorrow. Yet not so broke you won’t feed him. Is he eating from the food in the house tonight? I suppose so.

Does he not have online banking? I could instantly transfer pizza money to you on my phone, no need for a wallet, and you could buy the pizzas.

Forgotten wallet my arse.

Left his wallet at home? Yeah right.

Wait you're looking to move in together, about 7/8 months in?

When you're having these doubts and difficulties about things like finances and fairness?

With your three kids to think about?!

With all due respect OP you are being incredibly irresponsible. Sorry, but you really are.

Even if things were amazing and you had no doubts that would be too soon to be sure about him moving in with you and your kids.

Bloody hell.

Ask yourself this, too... if you added up all the money you have spent on this man, and had that back... would you now be able to afford a birthday party for your son?

I can’t believe you’re feeding a grown man tonight, when you can’t afford a party for your child.

Just to be clear. Weve discussed living together but wont be doing anything about it for a while as I'm not in the financial position to move at the moment.

Op how much does it cost you to do a round trip to get your ‘d’p?

Have you sat down and worked out that it’s a 40 minute trip that costs you £xx each time? Depending on where you live and timings it could be a 10 mile trip or less somewhere like London or if it’s further out/rural/on fast roads it could be a 30 or 40 mile trip. Plus there’s the inconvenience, wear and tear on your car etc.

Work out the actual cost and using the current tax off mileage allowance (used to be 45p/mile, not sure if it still is) and then multiply that by the number of times you have picked him up.

That’s how much you have spent on going to get him. How much petrol money has be paid in total - I’ll bet nothing like the amount of actual petrol used let alone any other contribution towards your noting costs. And that’s without extra costs for food (including extra extra costs like days when you would have had scrambled eggs on toast quite happily if it was just you but because he is there and you want to make it special / he’s hungry/etc you buy a much bigger and more expensive meal). And do you ever do any extra driving for him and his dc or invoke costs as a result of them being there? Or even just bigger bills as you have the heating on more or he has a long shower every time he is there etc.

Work out exactly how much he has cost you - and then compare that with what your parents gave you and your dc’s party.

Next time he rings you up to get a lift say to him just out of interest how much do you think it costs me to come and get you? I bet he’ll say about £2-3 when it’s closer to £6-15. (Or more if you use the tax allowance rate). Point out that in the last month you’ve spent £xxx on petrol for him alone and that you can’t pay your bills let alone think about a party for dc and just see what he says, leave it hanging. Nice normal decent person would jump in horrified and offer to pay there and then, including going back in time. Less decent would offer to pay for that month. Even less decent would offer a half as he thinks you should pay some of those costs too. CF/CL will make the right noises about it being dreadful or say that’s a ridiculous amount and then ignore, expecting it to continue as before.

Watch his reaction very carefully to get a measure of who he is and try to get back all your costs before moving forwards with him.

You need to speak up NOW. he's using you. You are paying for everything and driving him around. You are leaving your child short a birthday party because your money is going on him.

Ask him right out if he's giving the money for the birthday. Ask him too what is happening with the holiday. Then the pizza saga, jeez, it takes a couple of minutes to transfer money. You are now paying to feed his child too. Sure he's having a great time.

Just to be clear. Weve discussed living together but wont be doing anything about it for a while as I'm not in the financial position to move at the moment.

Why would you move and not him?

OP, one of the bad things about being in an abusive relationship is that in your next relationship you may find that you are so happy and grateful to be with someone who isn't abusing you that you set your standards too low in other ways. This man may well be a lovely guy, but he is taking advantage of you financially.

It's good that your eyes are open to this now. Good luck for the conversation tonight. Stick to the facts, say you can't afford to keep paying for all the food and petrol and you need to set up an arrangement to cover it. Not an informal "oh I'll get the food shop sometimes" but a proper weekly amount that will cover the amount you're spending. If he refuses then you'll see his true colours.

Does he work?

So his parents and your parents are supporting him to make promises he can't keep. You are working th more than that.

People who promise stuff and don't deliver are so annoying - I would never get involved with one. We have one in the family, after years of empty promises to boost his own ego in the spur of moment, I stopped him promising my 6 year old twins top of the range bikes their birthday - I told him to not promise what he couldn't deliver. He got really offended and said 'What can't I buy my great nice and nephew bikes now?' I replied but it won't happen and then I will deal with them being upset all so you can look good in the moment. I went on to list the iPhones, PlayStations, holidays and theme park trips he had promised the older kids in the family that never materialised. This is all from a middle aged man who can barely afford bus and has never contributed a can of soft drink to any family event, wedding, BBQ, Christmas/new year. Despite him yelling, put me down for a crate of champagne. I'm paying for the honeymoon - wherever you want to go. He barely acknowledges me now and has called a hard hearted bitch to other family members because I called him out on it.

What your boyfriend could have said was, I will have a chat with my family and see if we can hire a bigger caravan. No promises. He could have said, I will help you sort our something for your so birthday and we will make it a special day. No promises.

You know your boyfriend will get defensive if you mention it. That is what he is relying on. You know it's not right. I can't see this ending well and would tell you to walk now.

Your reason for not living together yet shouldn’t be because you’re not in a financial position to move.
It should be because you’re still getting to know him - like finding out he lies about money - and because you’re have 3 children!
You should not even be thinking about living together.

mine was more mental, his ex physically attacked him many times.

Did he tell you this, OP?

I dont want him to think I'm just after his money.

He’s done a number on you. You’re paying for food and petrol and yet you’re worried that HE’LL think your after his money?

You know he didn’t forget his wallet OP? He’s a wannabe cocklodger.

Does he work?

Sorry posted too soon

Does he work?

Yes he works part time and runs his own little business

Have you posted about him before? The living with parents and you driving to pick him up sound really familiar, either that or rather depressingly there is someone else in your exact situation.

He's a massive cocklodger. Forgot his wallet - my arse.

Just stop going to pick him up and I can almost guarantee the relationship will die a death.

He puts zero effort in now, it really won't get any better when he's expected to financially contribute or make any kind of effort at all.

So he is employed, and has his own business, and lives with his parents. One child - presumably not as resident parent?

You live on your own, with 3 kids - presumably as resident parent?

Two questions for you:

• who has more disposable income?
• who is paying out more to be in this relationship?

No decent person would treat you this way.
He is using you and you are letting him!
Why??

He's at best flaky and at worst a full-blown cocklodger.
The talk about the holiday and party could be considered a bit flaky. He intends to pay for you and then forgets about his promise or doesn't forget but just never gets round to it. Maybe his family said they didn't want you and your kids to come along and he didn't want to tell you - but it's flaky and dishonest not to tell you if that was the case. Easy enough to explain that nicely - the relationship is in it's early days so the ILs might have had reservations.

"Forgetting" to pay for the petrol and food and leaving the wallet at home could also be "flaky" but when everything combined is considered I think he is in cocklodger territory rather than just being a bit disorganized/unreliable. (which is bad enough anyway...)

He should be paying for the petrol and he should be doing regular food shops for you when he's at yours a few nights a week. You seem to be paying for all of this and he waltzes in and has his physical needs catered for. In fact, he doesn't just waltz in, his personal taxi service picks him up from his own front door.

I wonder what would happen if you just said you can't afford to pick him up anymore so he needs to make his own way to yours?
Is there no public transport? Can he travel by public transport for most of the way and then he gets a taxi to yours?

You need to have a talk to him about this. You can't afford to be in this relationship unless he starts to contribute. Don't move in with him - that will be an absolute disaster.
Try telling him this week that you are absolutely skint and can't afford to put petrol in the car so you can't pick him up. See what his reactions is.

If you weren't paying for this fucker's taxi service and meals you'd have had enough money for your child's birthday party - a cheap one, yes, but still a party.

Personally I think you should get rid of the bastard. I have lived with a cocklodger and it's awful.

It’s slightly beside the point but as a single parent I realised pretty quickly that anyone I would date would have to live in 10 mile radius from me. Otherwise the costs of babysitters and travel would make any dating prohibitive. So the fact that he lives so fr and doesn’t drive should have excluded him for you.
Does he give you the money for petrol when you drive his arse around I wonder?