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Original poster

My bf keeps promising things that dont happen. How would you approach this?

423 replies

NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 08:41

I have been with my bf for a while now, to the point where we are looking at moving in together. Our kids love each other and the relationship is wonderful. We both came out of abusive relationships, mine was more mental, his ex physically attacked him many times.
However he promises things that dont appear and it's really starting to get to me. My ex would promise me things as a form of control so I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive about this.
A couple of examples, his dp are planning their yearly family trip in march, his dp take him and his daughter away to a haven type place and he asked if I wanted to do with my kids. I said I'd love too but I cant afford a holiday this year, he said no problem he would pay the extra for a bigger caravan some could go. They are going in march and since the initial conversation it's not come up again.
It's also my middle sons birthday at the beginning of march I mentioned to bf I was upset that I couldnt afford a party he said dont worry he would transfer me the money soni could book something small. That was a couple of weeks ago and nothing. He stays at mine a few nights a week (he lives with his parents) and inhave to drive a 40 min round trip to get him as he doesnt drive, hes always promising petrol money and to do food shop etc to cover some of the cost but these things never come. He has paid for petrol a couple of times.

I'm not sure how to say to him to stop promising things if he cant deliver them. I dont want it to effect the relationship but i know if dont say something soon I'll snap and itll cause a massive argument.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 14/02/2020 15:16

He's a massive cocklodger. Forgot his wallet - my arse.

Have to agree with this.

QuizzlyBear · 14/02/2020 15:48

He's 'left his wallet at home'? Fine, ask him to transfer / PayPal you the money and you will order it.

Oh, unless it's a very hackneyed excuse that nobody actually believes? 🤔

Sorry OP, he's either right as a duck's arse and using you for fun times and cash, or he's so uncaring that's his actions impact on YOUR financial security and that of your kids that I'd run a mile...

YasssKween · 14/02/2020 15:51

I'd never put anyone in front of my kids. That's why I left my ex because I saw what being around him was doing to my boys.

How can be astute enough to recognise this but not to see that you're with someone else who is selfish and happy for you to be out of pocket, unhappy and less settled as long as he is happy?!

Chamomileteaplease · 14/02/2020 15:56

Presumably these promises about the holiday and the party impact your kids too? Do they know that they might be going on holiday and they might be having a party? It's cruel and you need to talk to him.

Thedeadwood · 14/02/2020 15:56

You're only 7/8 months in and your gut is telling you there are massive issues here, otherwise you wouldn't be posting. Listen to it and LEAVE.

I'd never put anyone in front of my kids. That's why I left my ex because I saw what being around him was doing to my boys.
You are - you and your kids are struggling to cope financially whilst you carry on subsidizing this cheeky fucker.

YasssKween · 14/02/2020 16:03

He doesn't contribute food or petrol money to see you.

You can't afford things like birthday parties for your son.

But you have been spending money on the aforementioned food and petrol for him.

You are absolutely putting him first, consciously or otherwise.

Original poster
NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 16:11

I'm officially pisses off. The kids are all going on about pizza so I said do you want to transfer me some money and I'll pop to the shop and he said he cant because he doesnt trust internet banking. So I decided to bite the bullet and said are you still going away in march and he said yea but I'll hate being away from you for a week. I feel like an idiot.

OP posts:
YasssKween · 14/02/2020 16:16

Right. Ok so that's good because he's proven he is a bullshitter.

Do you really honestly think if you offered him £50 he would turn down internet transfers because he "doesn't trust them"? Really?

Now is your opportunity to put your children first. So what are you going to do OP?

Seriously, surely being single and having happy children is more important than being with someone you haven't even known for a year?!

TreatMyself · 14/02/2020 16:17

He’s a complete fantasist!

Why don’t you say to him, I thought you were paying for us to go too!

LovingLola · 14/02/2020 16:18

So presumably you have told him that’s the end of the relationship??

helberg · 14/02/2020 16:19

I'd like to think hes just flakey and forgets hes said these things (holiday/party).

As I said above, if it was JUST the holiday/party issue then maybe you could put it down to flakiness but it isn't JUST that. He's not contributing on a daily/weekly basis and is just take take take.

You haven't answered the question from several posters as to why he can't get public transport to yours, or at least part of the way? And if it really is impossible, why the fuck isn't he paying petrol money?

Whynosnowyet · 14/02/2020 16:19

Make today the day to stand up for yourself and your dc op.
Ltb tonight.

Trahira · 14/02/2020 16:20

Who the fuck doesn't trust internet banking in this day and age? He's lying to you to get out of paying for a pizza Sad

Original poster
NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 16:21

Public transport: we both live in tiny villages theres no public transport between the 2. It would take 3 buses and hours to get to mine.

OP posts:
cstaff · 14/02/2020 16:24

Well if he lives that remote he needs to learn to drive doesn't he - not that it should matter to you anymore OP. Sorry OP but he has really shown you his true colours today - who doesn't use internet banking and who really ever forgets their wallet apart from CFs. Oh and don't forget the holiday...

KatherineJaneway · 14/02/2020 16:25

he said he cant because he doesnt trust internet banking.

😂😂😂 What a load of shit. You have to dump this cocklodger.

helberg · 14/02/2020 16:25

Public transport: we both live in tiny villages theres no public transport between the 2. It would take 3 buses and hours to get to mine.

Ah ok.. not that easy then. But surely when he knows how difficult it is he should be paying voluntarily without having to be reminded.

Who drives him around the rest of the time when he needs to go to work/shopping/meet friends? His parents?

What's the reason he doesn't drive? I don't think we should assume or expect everyone to be able to drive. I didn't drive for years but lived in a city with good public transport. When I moved abroad I had to learn because of the location otherwise I'd never be able to go anywhere. So I wonder why he doesn't drive living in a rural location like that.

YasssKween · 14/02/2020 16:25

Public transport: we both live in tiny villages theres no public transport between the 2. It would take 3 buses and hours to get to mine.

This doesn't explain why he refuses to contribute to travel costs.

Seriously OP are you going to continue seeing this guy?

Why is he more important than your kids happiness and security?

He has repeatedly let you down, let them down and not followed through on promises that he didn't have to make but chose to.

You won't have normal conversations about these things with him, because you are worried he'll think you're money grabbing or argumentative.

It's ok to be money grabbing if the money you're grabbing is money he owes you for food and petrol!

FFS what's so special about him that he's worth your children having less than you'd like to give them and would be able to give him if he wasn't on the scene?!

TreatMyself · 14/02/2020 16:26

So when he was going out to get the pizzas, he had no intention of paying and expected you to give him the money?

Original poster
NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 16:28

He lives within walking distance to work and either his dad drives him to.other stuff or there is a bus to.his village.

OP posts:
Poohpooh · 14/02/2020 16:35

OP, I hope you didn't cave on the pizza? Or tell him to go home and get pizza for your kids only.

Poohpooh · 14/02/2020 16:38

I feel like an idiot

Don't get embarrassed, find your anger!

YasssKween · 14/02/2020 16:39

What is your plan then OP?

Do you really think this is a man you should be continuing to see and increasingly make a part of your lives with a view to moving in together at some point?

You can be honest, it's an anonymous forum, and it's important you take on board how shocking it is to people outside the relationship that you don't seem to consider his behaviour so selfish it's a dealbreaker.

Put your kids first.

Original poster
NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 16:39

@poohpooh I couldnt have even if I'd wanted too. I'm overdrawn and still have a bill left to pay.

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 14/02/2020 16:40

Don't feed him tonight. Sort yourselves out and not him. Did you pick him up to come to yours today op?