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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My bf keeps promising things that dont happen. How would you approach this?

423 replies

NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 08:41

I have been with my bf for a while now, to the point where we are looking at moving in together. Our kids love each other and the relationship is wonderful. We both came out of abusive relationships, mine was more mental, his ex physically attacked him many times.
However he promises things that dont appear and it's really starting to get to me. My ex would promise me things as a form of control so I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive about this.
A couple of examples, his dp are planning their yearly family trip in march, his dp take him and his daughter away to a haven type place and he asked if I wanted to do with my kids. I said I'd love too but I cant afford a holiday this year, he said no problem he would pay the extra for a bigger caravan some could go. They are going in march and since the initial conversation it's not come up again.
It's also my middle sons birthday at the beginning of march I mentioned to bf I was upset that I couldnt afford a party he said dont worry he would transfer me the money soni could book something small. That was a couple of weeks ago and nothing. He stays at mine a few nights a week (he lives with his parents) and inhave to drive a 40 min round trip to get him as he doesnt drive, hes always promising petrol money and to do food shop etc to cover some of the cost but these things never come. He has paid for petrol a couple of times.

I'm not sure how to say to him to stop promising things if he cant deliver them. I dont want it to effect the relationship but i know if dont say something soon I'll snap and itll cause a massive argument.

OP posts:
saraclara · 14/02/2020 13:05

Seriously OP. Your parents are helping you out and you're effectively spending that money on food and fuel for him rather than on you and your kids? And you're worried he might think you're after his money??

That would be a deal breaker for me. I'd be mortified to ask for money from my parents, when he's the reason I can't make ends meet this month.

He's using you, and I don't believe the wallet story for one minute.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 14/02/2020 13:07

Your financially prioritising him over your DC, your parents and yourselfConfused

FlowerArranger · 14/02/2020 13:11

I feel sorry for your children. They deserve better.

Do they have to come long on these frequent 40 mile round trips when you go to collect this cocklodger?

What exactly is he adding to your life?

More importantly, what is he adding to your children's lives?

FlowerArranger · 14/02/2020 13:12

come along..., not long

Berthatydfil · 14/02/2020 13:15

I dont want him to think I'm just after his money. I wouldnt care about the party/holiday etc if he hadnt bought them up

To be honest it seems to me that the shoe is on the other foot.

Would he be with you if you didn’t run him round at your costs and feed him and his kids?

You’re so skint you have had to get help from your parents and you can’t afford a party for your dc. You do know you wouldn’t be so skint if he was just paying his way?

He’s a massive cocklodger, if you won’t finish with him for your own benefit do it for your children’s are you happy knowing that your child won’t have a birthday party because he’s leeching off you ?

pinkyredrose · 14/02/2020 13:15

@09:20Sleepingboy. Can't you read properly?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 14/02/2020 13:17

Why do you value yourself so little, @NatureWalk?

We tend to repeat patterns in relationships unknowingly. You're doing it too - right now, right here. The first step towards change is insight. Can you see that nothing much has changed financially?

Creweneck · 14/02/2020 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Herpesfreesince03 · 14/02/2020 13:21

He never ‘forgot’ his wallet

TwentyViginti · 14/02/2020 13:24

Forgot his wallet.....he's been doing that since you met.

pinkyredrose · 14/02/2020 13:29

OP has he ever remembered his wallet?

mummmy2017 · 14/02/2020 13:36

Think about what he has paid for.
Who forgets away to pay, when your away from home....
No one.

Original poster
NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 13:41

He has paid for meals out and he has given me a few quid for petrol. He often pops out to get the odd thing for a meal etc. He does cook and help.round the house. He took me to London last week as my Christmas present and paid for everything, all tickets, hotel, meals, coffees etc.
I'd like to think hes just flakey and forgets hes said these things (holiday/party).

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 14/02/2020 13:43

Then ask him, tell him you need him to pay for travel or you can't afford to fetch him.
And mean it no money no lift.

Winter2020 · 14/02/2020 13:44

Hi OP,
I agree you are in no way ready to move in together. That is a huge step when children are involved. You are still getting to know him and work out how he ticks.

It is interesting that you say you can't afford to move in with him. Most people find living in a couple far cheaper than living alone as bills are shared. Perhaps you already know he won't pull his weight. Another talk to have is how bills will be shared when you live together. I expect he is living with his parents for free and will be very reluctant to pay his share. No empty promises he needs to set up a direct debit to a bills/food account- but if I were you I would make sure I don't move anywhere that I couldn't afford alone (or wouldn't want to be living without him) as I think when push comes to shove he would rather live with his mum and dad and not have to pay his way.

FizzyGreenWater · 14/02/2020 13:44

I'd like to think hes just flakey

Please don't be a fool. Fine if it was just you... but you've got kids who depend on you.

He's a user.

Financially stable? He probably is! More than you'll ever know... because he's clever enough to first get his parents picking up his living expenses and now he's found a girlfriend to do the same!

He didn't forget his wallet.

Poohpooh · 14/02/2020 13:49

OP, the problem with his contribution being the odd trip to London or the odd thing for a meal is that they're not fixed and measureable. When those things start to tail off, you won't be able to tell him exactly what he's failing to provide.

Whereas when you have fixed contributions (£50pm for petrol, £50pw for food, £100pm to bills etc), everyone is clear on what is owed.

I bet you also feel grateful for that trip to London, whereas really, you paid for it in petrol, food and lifts OP Sad

Poohpooh · 14/02/2020 13:51

Yes he works part time and runs his own little business

Be prepared that he may want to give his PT job and have you support him whilst he works on this little business (hobby?)

LovingLola · 14/02/2020 13:59

I'd like to think hes just flakey

He’s a user. But it sounds as if you would put him ahead of your children’s needs every time. I feel very sorry for them.

Original poster
NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 14:03

@lovinglola I'd never put anyone in front of my kids. That's why I left my ex because I saw what being around him was doing to my boys.

OP posts:
Trahira · 14/02/2020 14:15

The other problem with his contribution being the one-off things like dinners and trips is that it allows him to both appear and feel generous, even though the total cost is probably a lot less than you've spent on him (if you add it all up) without any thanks.

It also pre-empts any complaints from you. So if you start querying the weekly spend, he can say "I can't believe how ungrateful you are when I took you to London" but the point is that was his choice, he chose to spend that money on you as a present but you didn't choose to be out of pocket on a regular basis because of him.

Give me a steady guy who reliably pays his own way, rather than the type who throws money around on grand gestures and flashy presents.

popcornpaws · 14/02/2020 14:17

So you’re not sure how to say to him to stop promising things if he cant deliver them and you dont want it to affect the relationship, the relationship is in your head!! He is using you!! Everyone except you can see it!
For fucksake be honest with yourself and put your children first!!

LovingLola · 14/02/2020 14:19

@NatureWalk

Read your own posts. It’s as clear as day that he comes first in your world

fedup21 · 14/02/2020 14:20

He only works part time?! Is that because his parents are supporting him!?

He can’t drive so you have to collect him?! How does he get to work? The shops? The pub? Why can’t he get the bus/train/cab/cycle to yours?

He sounds like a loser.

Glassio · 14/02/2020 14:22

if you've been with him long enough for him to meet your kids then you've been with him long enough to have proper conversation with him.
ask him what's happening with the holiday and tell him that he needs to pay more!