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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My SIL (soon to be ex-SIL) has gone batshit crazy over my gift of a fitbit to her 10 year old DS

244 replies

fitbitcrazy · 13/02/2020 22:07

So it was my nephew’s 10th birthday and I gave him a fitbit which he absolutely loves - in fact his older brother who turns 11 shortly has asked for one too. The problem is his mum (my SIL soon about to be ex-SIL) has gone batshit crazy and said that it was a ridiculous gift to give a child. Apparently she is going to have words with me....AIBU to have given this gift? (just to add my nephews are both fit and active boys). I am totally perplexed as to what her issue is.

OP posts:
bingbangbing · 15/02/2020 11:43

And this is why kids from broken homes often need therapy...

A Fitbit is a shit present. Numerous people have told you why, yet you're buying another one? Grow up.

wildcherries · 15/02/2020 11:44

It's so refreshing to see an OP not rise to the insults. I didn't realise gift-giving was such a minefield before coming on here.

Upstartcrones · 15/02/2020 11:45

I think you're determined to antagonise your SIL under the guise of 'being fair to the boys'. Not matter how you dress it up its passive aggressive OP.

Give the eldest amazon gift vouchers. If he wants a fitbit he can talk it over with his mum and buy one.

Don't be 'that relative' OP it won't benefit you in the long run.

DisorganisedOrganiser · 15/02/2020 11:46

Awful. You should NEVER buy a big gift like that without consulting parents. Now you will have to buy the other brother one too to make it fair. You are not the parent so you should not be making the decisions as to whether they have one or not. Never in a million years would I buy something like that for a child without asking the parents. You say you weren’t aware of the issues with Fitbits - you should have researched this before you bought one.

I say this as a parent of children who both have Fitbits.

BreatheAndFocus · 15/02/2020 11:47

@fitbitcrazy Those are two separate things you’ve mentioned above.
Yes, it’s rude to not say thank you for a gift (but this seems to have become far more common sadly) but that rudeness doesn’t give you free rein to buy whatever you want for other people’s children.

Personally, I think a Fitbit is a bad idea for any child or teen. But that’s just my opinion. The important opinion is that of the child’s parents. Just because a child themselves asks for something, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to buy it.

You seem determined to portray yourself as cool auntie and set yourself up in opposition to your nephews’ mother. While ‘cool’ gifts might work at this age, once these children are older they’ll be well aware of you setting yourself up in opposition to their mother and treat you accordingly.

So simply give your other nephew a voucher to the same value as the Fitbit - unless your real purpose is to undermine his mother. In that case, go ahead and buy another Fitbit without checking with her. You sound like you don’t think much of her anyway.

DisorganisedOrganiser · 15/02/2020 11:47

I take it back. Do the sensible thing and get Amazon vouchers as Upstartcrones says. And back right off from parenting decisions.

Kittensinmysupper · 15/02/2020 11:50

Hey fitbitcrazy I think you sound like a fabulous auntie.. No, 'permission' does not need to be sought when purchasing presents. The only thing required is 'thank you' - regardless of the cost, type or appropriateness if the present.

Ffs when did we suddenly become so fucking rude ? A present is a present. Say thanks you ! . If parents believe it to be inappropriate they deal with that with their children. The gift giver should not be involved.

Assuming this has everything to do with SIL about to become ex.. In my book if one parent happy with present and one not - then child plays/uses it with the parent who doesn't have issues.

As for fit it's in general - well we have a crisis in child obesity that I see the results of every day. We have the first generation where a significant percentage of children will die before their parents ... so I for one think EVERY child should have a Fitbit as soon as they can understand it.

Mittens030869 · 15/02/2020 11:51

You sound like very hard work, I'm glad you're not my sil. Yes, you need to check with parents before buying one.

Meaning that she doesn't just give in and admit that a bunch of strangers are right and she's unreasonable. And she's refusing to get into a bunfight by engaging into a personal attack with you. Thus spoiling your fun. Hmm

It's unrealistic to expect communication over presents to happen once a marriage has broken up. And why is it the OP who is in the wrong and not the SIL for bitching about her behind her back? That's not okay, she should speak to the OP directly. (Assuming it's not just gossip.)

There's a default position that some Mumsnet posters accept as gospel truth, that it's always the mum who in the right and the in-laws are in the wrong once a divorce takes place.

It's unusual for an aunt to take such an interest and in that way it's refreshing.

clunkyinthebackend · 15/02/2020 11:51

Maybe it’s cos to get the most out of a Fitbit you need the smartphone app? If she restricts screen time that could be it?

eeyore228 · 15/02/2020 11:51

I would hope I would be asked. Money can be tight, buying a Fitbit is rather extravagant and if you've spent £30 and then someone turns up with a Fitbit....i can see how that might cause upset. Not only that not all parents want their children to have something so expensive. It might get lost/stolen etc and they aren't always great at looking after things.

Mittens030869 · 15/02/2020 11:54

It's so refreshing to see an OP not rise to the insults. I didn't realise gift-giving was such a minefield before coming on here.

I agree, it's quite funny really, if they but knew it. They want a bunfight or for the OP to 'flounce'.

ddraigygoch · 15/02/2020 12:07

@DisorganisedOrganiser but the father is fine with the gift. So she has a parents permission.

Pumperthepumper · 15/02/2020 12:08

Mittens are you honestly not reading any passive-aggression in the OP’s post? She’s looking for posters to get stuck in to the SIL so she can rise above it and be the cool, fun aunt - there could be a thousand reasons that the mother doesn’t want a ten-year old with a Fitbit but the OP doesn’t care because she wants to be the one to see the excitement on his face. To me, that’s not being a fabulous aunt, that’s being selfish and petty.

DisorganisedOrganiser · 15/02/2020 12:26

ddraigygoch yes I worded that badly. I should have put both parents permission. The OP should have been aware that a Fitbit is a controversial present. So she should have checked with both parents. This is even more true if the relationship has broken down. OP has just stirred the pot here in an already volatile situation.

BahMooQuack · 15/02/2020 12:29

The OP IS aware (now) that the fitbit is a controversial present, and she has had it explianed to her by many people why.

But she is going ahead and buying another one for the other child anyway.

I am not throwing insults around, but I do find that sort of approach to the situation quite interesting, psychologically.

thegreekgoddessofcheese · 15/02/2020 12:48

@Kittensinmysupper there's lots of info out there about why Fitbit aren't advised for children, so no every child should not be given one.

andweallsingalong · 15/02/2020 13:06

Given that you said DN has been asking for a watch since last year could it be that she had bought a watch for his main present and felt usurped by the fitbit?

Mittens030869 · 15/02/2020 13:19

No I don't see it; I just think some of you are trying to see her in the worst possible light. I suspect there's wrong on both sides, and clearly there's no love lost between them, as I said earlier.

But the SIL is also in the wrong; she's bitching about the OP and not confronting her directly, which is what she should do.

SoupDragon · 15/02/2020 13:47

But the SIL is also in the wrong; she's bitching about the OP and not confronting her directly, which is what she should do.

At least she isn't doing it on a large, popular social media site.

Ohyesiam · 15/02/2020 13:55

I volunteer in a primary and the majority of years 5 and 6 kids have then, or versions of them.

I imagine her reaction is about some other ( perceived) aspect of your relationship, or that she’s pissed off you spent more than her?
I have children ,and aunts/ sil have never asked for presents ideas, they just buy something they think / Hope will work.
You did nothing wrong op.

Pumperthepumper · 15/02/2020 13:58

it seems that kids of today need to be given gifts with prior approval of their parents. Takes away all the fun and spontaneity of the giver.

You don’t see this as passive aggressive? Or selfish?

DisorganisedOrganiser · 15/02/2020 14:16

The OP’s comments and behaviour are the definition of passive aggressive!

Parents (usually mother’s) do the hard graft of bringing up their children. Damn right you should ask them what to buy. Their opinion overrides yours. Unless of course you know damn well that your gift will piss off the mum and that is your intention all along.

DisorganisedOrganiser · 15/02/2020 14:17

mothers not mother’s before anyone details the thread and corrects my grammar.

saraclara · 15/02/2020 14:26

But the SIL is also in the wrong; she's bitching about the OP and not confronting her directly, which is what she should do.

At least she isn't doing it on a large, popular social media site.

Nope @SoupDragon, rather than venting anonymously to people who don't know the person she's angry with, SIL is bitching to people who DO know OP, which is far worse in my opinion, because she's affecting people's view of someone they know.

HannaYeah · 15/02/2020 14:28

I’d consider calling her and saying you heard through the grapevine that she wasn’t happy about the Fitbit and also that other parents later told you it was a controversial gift.
So you want to check with her going forward. That you are sorry if it caused problems.

Or skip the part about what you heard and just tell her a friend told you it was not right to give it without asking.

How do you think she’d respond to that?