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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My SIL (soon to be ex-SIL) has gone batshit crazy over my gift of a fitbit to her 10 year old DS

244 replies

fitbitcrazy · 13/02/2020 22:07

So it was my nephew’s 10th birthday and I gave him a fitbit which he absolutely loves - in fact his older brother who turns 11 shortly has asked for one too. The problem is his mum (my SIL soon about to be ex-SIL) has gone batshit crazy and said that it was a ridiculous gift to give a child. Apparently she is going to have words with me....AIBU to have given this gift? (just to add my nephews are both fit and active boys). I am totally perplexed as to what her issue is.

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 13/02/2020 23:06

I’d have asked the mum first, tbh.

doritosdip · 13/02/2020 23:10

Maybe he has a history of losing/breaking watches?
Maybe he's too interested in fat/thin issues?
Maybe mum is predicting squabbles about who's done most steps etc?
Maybe you've embarrassed mum by buying an expensive gift that she can't repay you on your birthday?

Original poster
fitbitcrazy · 13/02/2020 23:12

No - he hadn’t asked for one, only that he’d wanted a digital type watch last year and that’s why I got this one this year. She wasn’t there when he opened it.

It’s been 10 days since he got the present, I’m waiting for her to contact me. I heard this via a mutual contact who I trust - it will be interesting to hear her perspective but I wish she’d get on with it rather than the seemingly empty threats of “I’ll be having words” (with me).

OP posts:
Original poster
fitbitcrazy · 13/02/2020 23:13

We don’t give each other gifts as adults - either for xmas or birthdays.

She was totally happy for me to take them to Harry Potter last year and to buy them a whole bunch of gifts - cost far more than the fitbit!

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 13/02/2020 23:18

Please come be a surrogate Aunty for my kids. They are short of Aunts and would Love fit bits - no need to check with me first!

Original poster
fitbitcrazy · 13/02/2020 23:21

Maybe I’m out of touch but when I was young no relative ever asked my parents if a gift was appropriate (that I can recall) - and it never occurred to me to ask her if she thought it was appropriate. My brother has no issues with it (father of the two boys).

Clearly I have made an error and it seems that kids of today need to be given gifts with prior approval of their parents. Takes away all the fun and spontaneity of the giver. I could understand it if he was an overweight, inactive and anxious child but he’s not, totally the opposite. It was meant to be a fun present.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 13/02/2020 23:22

My 10yo has one - bought by her father. So I’m not against them. But there’s no way I’d buy any of my nephews / nieces something that expensive without checking with their parent first. You say you’ve paid out a lot of trips and it sounds like other gifts combined? I wouldn’t see that the same as a single high cost piece, personally. It would have been polite to check.

Original poster
fitbitcrazy · 13/02/2020 23:23

Sorry for the ranting, just feel a little bit perplexed.

Would love to be a surrogate Aunty! For me, giving gifts to my nephews is a pleasure (maybe not this time though!)

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 13/02/2020 23:25

How would you know that a relative checked with your parents?

Why the snarky PA “clearly I’m wrong” and “kids or today” comments? That just makes you sound like an unreasonable person.

I would prefer to be asked about expensive presents. I wouldn’t be overly annoyed though. I would be annoyed by the attitude you’re showing here though.

Mulledwineinajug · 13/02/2020 23:25

I wouldn’t want my dc to have one. I absolutely wouldn’t want them focusing on steps or calories, or competing in the way that fitbits encourage. I wouldn’t be very pleased if anyone bought one for my dc. Not sure if I’d give it back or try to make it seem very boring and hope they lost interest.

Redyoyo · 13/02/2020 23:25

My 9 year old got a fitbit for her xmas from my mum, she does athletics and all the kids in the club have one.
Only problem was it had to be linked to a smartphone and it was not compatible with the phone she had, so a couple of days after xmas we had to buy her a new compatible smartphone. Expensive gift for us!

Original poster
fitbitcrazy · 13/02/2020 23:29

So if I had no money would I have to say (to be polite) I’m so sorry but I can’t afford to give a gift?

Surely the price is not the issue? Or is it? To be honest that has thrown a whole new spanner in the works for me - that it would’ve been polite to check first due to the price.

Goodness, I feel it might’ve been polite for her to have said thank you if that’s the case - but I’m not expecting that. My giving of the gift and the thought I put behind it is what was my motivation, the price has nothing to do with it.

OP posts:
yummumto3girls · 13/02/2020 23:32

What a lovely thought. My 10 year old DD got one for her birthday, is not sporty but loves the watch. Wears it to school everyday and most of the class have one. It is an expensive gift but lucky kid!

Monty27 · 13/02/2020 23:32

I can understand exsil reaction for many reasons eg cost, and the onset of body dysmorphia (not quite sure of the spelling).
Vouchers are probably the way to go so approval can be sought by the dps.

FrancisCrawford · 13/02/2020 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ittakes2 · 13/02/2020 23:33

Honestly, it sounds like you are stirring the pot - you are saying she went bat shit crazy but you also said apparently she is going to have words with you. This implies you did not see her go ‘bat shit’ crazy - so presumably someone else described how she reacted to you. Maybe they were being over dramatic in their description. You say you don’t have kids and are genuinely seeking advice - but when lots of people said in an ideal world you would have checked first - you are then challenging this point of view.
I bought a fit bit for my 10 year old son a few years ago. When we went to register it on the website and we listed his age as 10 - the website said he was too young and we were not able to access the services unless we lied about his age.

WorriedMum6868 · 13/02/2020 23:33

Is she your brother's wife? What does he say?

WorriedMum6868 · 13/02/2020 23:34

Or is she DH's sister....in which case what does your dh say?

WorriedMum6868 · 13/02/2020 23:35

Sorry....just seen you answered that question

HeddaGarbled · 13/02/2020 23:35

Parents do try to keep presents age appropriate and not be pressured into buying stuff that’s really for adults or teenagers. Of course he loves it. Remember what you were like when you were 10. Did your parents let you have everything you wanted? No, because they were responsible parents.

And now his older brother wants one too. How on earth is she supposed to deal with that?

You have been irresponsible and are undermining her parenting.

Fitbit or voucher were not the only two options, as you well know.

Ellisandra · 13/02/2020 23:37

Do you really not see it’s polite to check, because of the price?

I have a 10yo. I don’t want her growing up thinking that expensive items will just fall into her lap. If her aunt was getting a Fitbit for her, I might adjust my own presents - not to save money, just so she wasn’t excessively materially privileged. I also might not want her to have an expensive item at school, or as a target for theft.

Goldrill · 13/02/2020 23:38

My lovely SIL gave my daughters Fitbits last year. It was a kind and thoughtful present and we thanked her accordingly.

It will, however, be a cold day in hell before my girls have them. I have two - a very skinny super fit and sporty one, and a pretty hefty and quite lazy one who is also naturally better at pretty much all sports than her sister. One needs to eat more and do less; the other is the opposite. Kids at school do the step shaming thing.
It's hard enough trying to make sure they both have a balanced and sensible view of food and exercise without adding a device that encourages them to be neurotic and stressed about it. I've taught teenagers with eating disorders and control issues around food and they are horrible things - and it's not just girls.

Chillicheese123 · 13/02/2020 23:38

My dd and her cousins all have them they compete for step count

They don’t know what a calorie is

Original poster
fitbitcrazy · 13/02/2020 23:45

My brother is fine with it. When I said she’s going to have words with me I was being polite...she’s a pretty foul mouthed individual and I wasn’t going to repeat exactly what I’ve been told she said. And perhaps the person who conveyed the message has exaggerated but it wouldn’t surprise me if they hadn’t.

But as of yet, I’ve not heard from her so I will wait and see.

I’m sorry if I don’t seem to be heeding the general advice on here - as I said, I am somewhat perplexed that giving a gift needs to have such a degree of involvement by the parent. But I will take on the advice and they will likely receive boring vouchers next year - which they can spend as they wish.

My next question (to myself) would be how much would be appropriate or should I ask the parent first? Advice gratefully received!

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 13/02/2020 23:50

Vouchers aren’t boring for children, in my experience they are quite exciting as they start to think what to get. And you’re just being awkward suggesting that without free reign on spending, you have to get “boring” vouchers 🙄 as a PP said, those aren’t the only options.

No-one is even saying you can’t get more expensive presents - they’re only saying, just check first.

How much is enough to check with a parent... will depend on all your incomes I think. Why do you need an amount? Whatever the gift, and its cost, how hard is it to text, “thinking of getting Matthew a Switch - what do you think?”.