My SIL (soon to be ex-SIL) has gone batshit crazy over my gift of a fitbit to her 10 year old DS

[fitbitcrazy]

So it was my nephew’s 10th birthday and I gave him a fitbit which he absolutely loves - in fact his older brother who turns 11 shortly has asked for one too. The problem is his mum (my SIL soon about to be ex-SIL) has gone batshit crazy and said that it was a ridiculous gift to give a child. Apparently she is going to have words with me....AIBU to have given this gift? (just to add my nephews are both fit and active boys). I am totally perplexed as to what her issue is.

Absolutely adaline the harm they can do is immense, I know this first hand unfortunately.

Op..this is a present id have checked with the parents first. Can see it from both sides

I suspect that this contact might have been shit stirring. Divorces can bring out the worst in people and too often friends take side. So a contact who may have been reliable before may may not be so ow. Or did they even get it directly from the horse's mouth or was it hearsay?

Having said that, OP, I do think you should have consulted your SIL before giving your DN2 a present like that. I wouldn't want my DDs to have Fitbits because DD1 has food issues and has always been very thin. I also wouldn't be comfortable about another family member spending so much money on them. (My DM used to do this, but not so much now.)

I don't think you should ask her whether she said what she's supposed to have said, but you should apologise for not checking with her first, and ask her if she would be happy for you to buy a Fitbit for DN1 as well, as he's asked to have one too, or something of similar value? The best thing is to diffuse the situation, as feelings appear to be running high; this obviously isn't just about Fitbits.

A Fitbit is a great present for a 10 year old, I really can't see why she would be objecting. Especially since it's clear she's not highly controlling around tech in general.

It does seem unfair on the oldest not to also get him one. I would just buy him one tbh, since she hasn't actually spoken to you directly.

I would definitely check with the parents before giving this gift bit of my DC was given one I eoukd assume it was a well intentioned gift and not cause an argument. (if I didn't want them to have it I'd probably let the child sell it and buy something else).

Yes, there are lots of lovely watches that don’t buzz because you’ve been dormant for too long or remind you to burn off your lunch. If the boys have issues around food or exercise or perhaps even resting concentration then you might well have thrown a grenade into any plans to develop the right skills to deal with those problems.

I also love that you can’t possibly repeat her alleged tirade (lest it offend our sensitive eyes presumably) but you’re quite happy to describe her as going “batshit”.

my Aunt bought my 8 year old a fitbit last year and I was extremely pissed off about it. The reaosn is that my Aunt is absolutely obsessed with what everyone eats and what calories they take in. She has anorexia and has had bulimia in the past. She calls her own grandson (a little younger than mine) a 'fat greedy pig' and monitors his food. Her daughter my cousin was always called 'fat pig' when we were growing up, and when she turned 18 her mum got her liposuction for her birthday.

So yes. Given that context i was fucking ANGRY that she had done that. The fitbit has been put away and I bought DS a Minecraft hoodie instead.

I would usually check gifts for kids in advance incase they already had something similar or mum was planning to buy it or didn't approve of it for some reason.
I'm honestly not sure what their screen time has to do with it? Unless I've missed something.

Maybe she or someone she knows has had an eating disorder. Fitbits for kids are a divisive issue.

@ItMustBeBedtimeSurely have you not read any of the posts from parents explaining how fitbits have been problematic for their DC and their friends?

I’d personally be fine with you getting my child a fit bit and I don’t really understand how people would get so worked up about it.
I’m not sure why you’ve asked this in AIBU though as you don’t seem prepared to hear the opinions of others and you’re being defensive.

From having my eldest, now nearly 30, to my youngest, now nearly 16, there seems to have been a massive change in that lots of parents want to approve gifts first.

Interesting responses - surprised at people who are fine with PlayStations but not Fitbits. If I did have kids I’d prefer them to be running around and playing not sat in front of a screen in their free time.

Always, I’ve slept on it. If she has a problem with it then it’s up to her to say so. Until then, I’ll be getting second nephew the same present.

Thanks for all the thoughts - glad I’ve only got 2 nephews and birthdays only occur once a year!

@adeline, yes, I have read all the posts.

OP

I can't believe how many people think fit bits are OK for kids, particularly pre puberty.

Just before your body goes through huge changes, often requiring extra calories, you give a child something to monitor their calorie intake and steps.

And, as far as I am aware, they don't take into account the kind of calories, so a diet fizzy drink = good, fresh fruit juice = bad.

They are not suitable for children.

Can't see anything wrong with giving a child a fitbit, I know mine would love it.

Can I just point out that children's Fitbits do not in any way monitor calories or encourage children to burn off food. They encourage activity, that's it.

Why the snarky PA “clearly I’m wrong” and “kids or today” comments? That just makes you sound like an unreasonable person.

I agree.

I also don't understand why you are planning to buy one for the other son when you know there is a problem. It's childish. Just ask her.

You need a civil ongoing relationship with the soon-to-be-SIL - it will make things much easier all round, possibly for your brother too. If she starts to resent you then your gifts might somehow disappear.

Ring her, say that you wondered if it had been a good idea after all and perhaps you should have checked with her first, and would it be appropriate for the older brother to get one too, and if not is there anythign else cool she'd suggest? It might be annoying for you but you'll gain more in the long term by showing you're willing to listen - which will make it easier for your relationship with the kids. A Mum who's resentful of the children's aunt isnt going to be positive about you. If she has better feelings about you, that's just going to make things easier.

2 weeks isn't far away so sooner rather than later is better.

Can I just point out that children's Fitbits do not in any way monitor calories or encourage children to burn off food.

Clearly you didn't read the post where someone said that is exactly what had happened in their DD's peer group.

...saying things in the lunch hall like "Well, after those crisps, you're going to need to do a couple of laps of the field / another 2000 steps...", "That's a 2000-step sandwich!" and "Lucky you to live in such-and-such a road, you must do loads of steps to get to school."

Why ask if you really don’t intend on taking anything away from the answers you’ve received?
You clearly think you’re right so why bother asking ?
You should have asked your sil and you know that .

Listen, I've had people give all sorts of odd or silly gifts to my kids; wasteful plastic crap, sexist nonsense or things that are a double-edged sword (like a kids digital camera - DD loves it but gets way too obsessed, and it's just another screen).
But I'd never go crazy and get angry the the giver. People are trying to be kind and doing their best. Some presents are thoughtless but never malicious. Your SIL is overreacting and needs to be more measured in her response.

That said, next time always ask before buying such a gift - technology involving screens is highly addictive to kids, and there are good reasons parents may have to want to avoid it.

To add (and I didn’t reveal this at the start of my post because I felt it wasn’t relevant but reading the responses perhaps I was mistaken and it is) both of my newphews (and 2 other children) will one day become beneficiaries of a sizeable trust fund (once they reach an appropriate age) and of which I am one of the trustees. Rather fills me with dread to be honest.

Sooooo, despite the fact that you know (admittedly through a second-hand source) that the present has been an issue, your plan is to plough on and buy another one for the other son, without making any effort to understand what the issues might be or whether they are, actually, reasonable. If I bought my nephew a present and then discovered it hadn't been welcomed by his mum, I'd be mortified and want to ensure I didn't cock up again.

So yeah, I think there's maybe more to this story and her 'batshit' responses...

FWIW, I wouldn't give a fitbit to a child under at least 11 or so, as I would expect them to get lost, damaged or stolen at school. Oh, and my kids primary banned them anyway so it wouldn't have been used.

I do feel that it is up to her to approach me now - as has been pointed out, I have heard this second hand. If it really is such an issue I would expect to receive a text soon (we tend to communicate via text rather than phone calls).