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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My SIL (soon to be ex-SIL) has gone batshit crazy over my gift of a fitbit to her 10 year old DS

244 replies

fitbitcrazy · 13/02/2020 22:07

So it was my nephew’s 10th birthday and I gave him a fitbit which he absolutely loves - in fact his older brother who turns 11 shortly has asked for one too. The problem is his mum (my SIL soon about to be ex-SIL) has gone batshit crazy and said that it was a ridiculous gift to give a child. Apparently she is going to have words with me....AIBU to have given this gift? (just to add my nephews are both fit and active boys). I am totally perplexed as to what her issue is.

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 14/02/2020 08:22

YABVU and your attitude is awful. You’re being exceptionally disingenuous and pretending you don’t understand the issue with FitBits despite hundreds of posts explaining it you.

You are not Lady Bountiful. Big expensive gifts do not buy love. If you’re thinking of buying an expensive gift it is polite to run it past both of the parents first. This has always been the case, nothing to do with “kids today” and all that other fake crap you’ve come out with.

Stop pretending you don’t see the issue and stop being so fake in your posts just because you want to get your own way. You should also stop with the “SIL is batshit crazy” dramatics when it transpires she hasn’t even talked to you about it so you don’t have a clue.

If I were your SIL I would have taken the FitBit away and given it you back, and explained politely how it is not appropriate.

ddraigygoch · 14/02/2020 08:25

She's no longer your problem. You have a brother(?) who is their father. If you get the green light from him and they're happy then that's as far as your cares need to go.

As you said. If she has a problem then she needs to politely and respectfully bring it up with you or she can just lump it.

bellinisurge · 14/02/2020 08:25

You say you can't win. Spoiler alert: you can. If you ask their Mum who lives with them full time.

Member984815 · 14/02/2020 08:26

My kids got them for Christmas , they don't really know where they are now . Some kids could become obsessed with steps and that sort of thing , I think maybe you should have asked her first but her reaction is a bit over the top

JacquesHammer · 14/02/2020 08:27

Until then, I’ll be getting second nephew the same present

Of course you will.

I’m getting the impression you’re rather enjoying the drama.

Dieu · 14/02/2020 08:30

Some bonkers responses on here OP, especially that you should have got his brother one Hmm
You did fine. My daughter of the same age would have enjoyed it too.

MumW · 14/02/2020 08:30

when he saw that his brother had got a fitbit he really wants one too. I think it would be pretty mean of me not to treat him equally.

You are going to really upset your other DN if you don't get him one now.

She hasn't told you that she is cross, you've only heard it on the grapevine so unless she's actually taken the fitbit away then not buying the second one is going to cause a lot of resentment.

If she speaks to you now, then tell her you've already bought the second fitbit and it would be wrong and unfair to treat them differently especially as it has been requested so is now going to be expected.

What does your DB say on the situation?
I can see why they can cause harm but surely that's true of a lot of things and it's up to parents to monitor and educate responsible use.

SoupDragon · 14/02/2020 08:41

How earth is the trust fund at all relevant? Confused

AJPTaylor · 14/02/2020 08:43

Text her "I heard from Maud that you were concerned about me buying billy a fit bit for his birthday. As it is bobs birthday soon I wanted to check what the problem was as I had planned to get him the same as hid brother."

Dillydallyontheway · 14/02/2020 08:44

I don’t have children either OP but it screams pretty obvious that a Fitbit is a controversial present for a young child. Your responses seem to be deliberately missing the point. I also have two nephews and generally don’t check with parents before getting a gift. However, if it was something like a Fitbit I would definitely check first (although bad example cos I would never consider getting a Fitbit in the first place tbh). Can you really not see the harm they could cause? Even when other posters have made the issues clear? And when you buy anyone a present you are supposed to think carefully about the recipient, which means not buying a present that could potentially cause major harm or upset. You should have thought about the possible consequences yourself regardless of whether you have your own kids.

Topseyt · 14/02/2020 08:45

I think you meant it kindly, but it really is the sort of present you should run past the parent first. Both parents, not just your brother. Two main reasons:

  1. Like someone upthread, I too am the mother of a teenager with serious mental health issues including anorexia nervosa. She used a Fitbit (well, the Garmin version) to way overexercise and help with her drastic weight loss. Perhaps your SIL is worried about something like this.

  2. It is a very expensive present. Perhaps your SIL would have preferred to be able to buy these sorts of things for her children herself but struggles to afford it? You simply going ahead without asking her first could make her feel threatened and inadequate, as if you are competing for her children's approval and affection by doing this. Maybe she is unable to match it and as a parent that would be a horrible feeling.

Think a bit more. Don't just go jumping in with both feet. Whatever your brother says, SIL is the other parent. You are a very kind aunt, but perhaps a little presumptuous because you aren't thinking first. They aren't your children. You don't get the final say.

Original poster
fitbitcrazy · 14/02/2020 08:49

Only relevant in that myself and the other trustee will need to decide when and how much will be given to each beneficiary. My point was that I rather dread it because if giving a Fitbit is going to cause an upset then I can’t imagine what a lump sum of money will do. She won’t have a say in that and in fact she’s unaware of it at the moment anyhow.

Thanks for all the comments, some helpful and some not so. Apologies if I didn’t take up the advice of some, I feel that it’s best now to let things be and see what happens. I probably posted when I was rather emotional about it and in the cold light of day I think she is perhaps making a mountain out of a molehill (if indeed she has done). She’s not usually shy in expressing her opinions so I am going to take the line of waiting. But my plan is to treat both nephews equally.

I’m rushing to work now, thank you again for all the thoughts.

OP posts:
Chillicheese123 · 14/02/2020 08:49

Perhaps the SIL is just a nob, anyone considered that?

Warmfirechocolate · 14/02/2020 09:04

Even if she is a nob, this kind of gift should not be given without explicit agreement of the parent. It doesn’t matter if she’s a nob or not. It’s her perogative.

It sets up conflict - and it’s totally from the OP.

Just get lighthearted gifts! Or ask the mum!

It’s simple.

Mittens030869 · 14/02/2020 09:04

If she's usually not backwards in coming forward with her opinions and she hasn't done yet, I think there's been some stirring going on. But she probably said something about it and it's been blown out of proportion. But I would still get in touch, as you have to know how to proceed with regards to DN1's birthday.

unlikelytobe · 14/02/2020 09:06

I think what you may be deciding to bequeath in a will and what you give as a gift during your lifetime are two different things and stating that does make me think you are loving the rich, generous auntie role!

Clearly, some people have problems with fitbits and as a 'lifestyle' gift maybe you should have checked with the parents first. You now have the dilemma of whether to give the same gift to your other nephew and possibly cause more offence. Best thing is to talk with her which you are shying away from.

As others have said, maybe your generosity is putting her in the shade and she finds your gifts OTT. Fancy, expensive days out are different again and perhaps more acceptable. It's a minefield and you have to navigate it if you want to maintin good relations and not just steam on ahead with your Lady Bountiful routine.

inwood · 14/02/2020 09:09

Genuinely never thought a fitbit for a ten year old would be divisive. Most of the kids in my kids' class (y4) have them or the cheaper versions. DTs dont have a phone so they are linked to mine, it causes no more additional screen time they just like to see their steps.

BeaLola · 14/02/2020 09:12

I would get the other nephew a Fitbit - I would probably ring / text her - whichever is your normal way of communicating with her and say you hadn't realised older nephew would like one so are going to buy him one for his birthday unless there is anything equivalent he would prefer,

I agree with you about the joy of giving gifts and that no one asked our parents about cost etc in past . As they have electronic gadgets etc I wouldn't have questioned it either . I would only buy vouchers if that's what The children wanted - they're at any age now to have an idea of what they wanted and from the sounds of your post pretty level headed.

I dont have any DNephews or nieces but used to buy for quite close friends children - all I would ever say was this is what I'm going to get them as they started to get older do you think that's okay just because I was out of touch of what teenage kids would like and wanted them to have something they wanted not my idea of what would be good.

Now I'm a much older Mum of a now 12 year old - he is only child and grandchild - the only no's I have said to his Uncle my DB is no pets without clearing it past me - tbf my brother usually suggests something or asks me for ideas - for Christmas he bought him Apple EarPods - this was something that even though I could afford I wasn't sure about buying for DS because it was a lot of money on earphones and also I couldn't really see the point of them and was concerned about them getting lost or damaged.

Thinking about it I thought why not my brother could afford them wanted to buy them and he reminded me what it was like when we were children and we desperately wanted something and an adult didn't buy it for us because they decided it wasn't a good gift etc . I'm glad I let him buy them - so far they are still in one piece , he has used them a lot and he has adhered to me saying you can't take them to school- the look of pure joy on his face when he opened the present in front of my brother was pure joy and I know my brother really cherished that moment. Equally my son was as excited and pleased with the £10 light changing bulb Santa left him Smile

Mittens030869 · 14/02/2020 09:12

@Chillicheese123 Because it's AIBU and it's always the OP who is in the wrong, didn't you know??🤣

I'm not sure why some of you are being so nasty; I think you're pissed off that the OP isn't playing ball and getting vicious in her replies or 'flouncing'. You're insulting her and she's ignoring you. It's actually quite funny.

I agree that the pressie was ill advised but there's nothing to suggest that the OP was being malicious. And it doesn't sound as if the SIL has complained before about the OP spending money on her DSs.

This has to be seen in the context of the divorce, which is often a tense time. I remember my DSis's divorce from her abusive ex, and my time working as a legal secretary in the family department of a law firm.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 14/02/2020 09:13

Based on your posts @fitbitcrazy, I don't think that your nephews are in the group where obesity is an issue but there is a childhood obesity problem and if a fitbit (or other brand) of fitness tracker can spur on a kid to be a bit more active and less sedentary, then that can only be a good thing, right?

Looking at the Argos site, they have fitness trackers targeted for children and I would have been delighted to get one as a kid (if they had been around) whatever my parents might have thought. My DD has one and she walks from school to get the bus home and often has a lot more steps done than I would and I have a Fitbit too.

I think your soon to be ex-SiL is perhaps feeling a bit inadequate that she either couldn't or didn't think to get something like this for her son, maybe, and is taking it out on you?? Would she have form for this kind of reaction??

Longwhiskers14 · 14/02/2020 09:14

Maybe she doesn't want her sons getting obsessive about how many steps they do and how they look/what they weigh? I wouldn't get my 10 year old one for that reason. You should've checked with her first.

ChestyNutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 14/02/2020 09:22

OP I’m not sure why you are ignoring posters experiences of why fitbits can be very bad for some children and lead to eating disorders, which can be life threatening?

bingbangbing · 14/02/2020 09:28

@ChestyNutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire

Because it's inconvenient to her.

Fitbit is a terrible gift.

katewhinesalot · 14/02/2020 09:30

I also think that it's up to her to approach you, otherwise you'll disappoint the brother who will be hoping for the same.

Regarding the trust money. That is far more important. Please don't give a lump sum at 18 without the agreement of the parents.
My kids are sensible but I've spent their lifetimes trying to teach them to be sensible with money one more successfully than the other I would hate for them to have access to a huge amount at 18. Perhaps some for a car and driving lessons, maybe a holiday but mainly they need it later when they will be mature enough to spend it wisely.

lunkitsmum · 14/02/2020 09:30

Really surprised about the negative responces! I'd be over the moon and thinking ooo aunty fitbitcrazys pushed the boat out this year. Feel sorry for the older boy he's going to feel crap when he doesn't get the same on his bday.