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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My SIL (soon to be ex-SIL) has gone batshit crazy over my gift of a fitbit to her 10 year old DS

244 replies

fitbitcrazy · 13/02/2020 22:07

So it was my nephew’s 10th birthday and I gave him a fitbit which he absolutely loves - in fact his older brother who turns 11 shortly has asked for one too. The problem is his mum (my SIL soon about to be ex-SIL) has gone batshit crazy and said that it was a ridiculous gift to give a child. Apparently she is going to have words with me....AIBU to have given this gift? (just to add my nephews are both fit and active boys). I am totally perplexed as to what her issue is.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 15/02/2020 03:34

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend Fri 14-Feb-20 10:34:38

OP you have the fathers permission, if she doesn’t like it the watches can stay at their fathers house when he has contact

So he can present himself as Cool Dad, as opposed to Boring Old Mum.

Yes, I can see that turning out really well.

Hannahmates · 15/02/2020 04:51

I think it's an excellent gift. Great way of motivating young kids to exercise.

Flutterbybowers · 15/02/2020 05:40

I think it’s an appropriate gift. Just gift the brother the same. Inappropriate gifts are things like pets and drum sets.

How soon is the trust fund expected to start? I do agree that this could be a problem in the future considering her reactions to the gift and the situation with her soon becoming your ex-sil.

Could you just liaise with the child’s father?

Original poster

fitbitcrazy · 15/02/2020 09:55

Just to update...I heard from yet another person that she is "absolutely furious" about it but to be quite honest, if that is the case, then I think it is for her to express that to me.

Until that happens, my intention is to treat both brothers equally as I always have done and I will be purchasing a second one. To clarify it's a child specific one not an adult one. Their dad has an adult one.

I feel her reported reaction is totally out of proportion to the gift and if she's that concerned then she should get in touch with me rather than venting her anger elsewhere. I don't want to broach it with her because from past experience she is very quick tempered and reacts badly to any sort of criticism.

To the poster who thought I was getting confused about the trust versus my will, it is most definitely not my will and the trust will be administered by myself and another trustee - and hopefully I will be very much alive in doing that!

When the time comes for that, the boys will be over 18 and possibly 21 or beyond depending on how things pan out with them - it's not the kind of money that will be used for frittering away, hopefully it will ensure them a good further education and a foothold in the property ladder. And it's not something that their mother will be consulted about.
I really hope the boys will make more use out of the fitbits than the PlayStation / games on iPads/phones etc (of course properly monitored by their parents as I would expect any such gadgets to be by responsible parents)

Thanks again, really interesting to read all the differing views - I never knew fitbits were quite so divisive. I haven't got one myself but I think I need to try one out.

OP posts:

Lordfrontpaw · 15/02/2020 09:57

I would have asked first but my niece is that age and she says that most kids in her class have one.

BlackCatSleeping · 15/02/2020 10:03

Did she say why she was furious?

Pumperthepumper · 15/02/2020 10:13

But you’re only their aunt - there are a thousand things you probably don’t know about her kids, so giving a present that encourages calorie counting at 11 is patently something you should have checked was ok. This has got to be a wind-up, nobody is so self obsessed that they’d prioritise being ‘the best gift giver’ over ‘being a responsible family member’.

I don’t know anything about games consoles but I’d imagine the difference between a PlayStation and a Fitbit is the PlayStation stays at home and be turned on and off - and controlled with passwords. A Fitbit is something he can wear all day long and check all day long, and compare with his friends - so while that’s something some parents might be happy with, that’s absolutely not your decision as an aunt.

BahMooQuack · 15/02/2020 10:30

to be honest OP. You have heard from a few sources that she is annoyed about the gift and clearly thinks it is inappropriate but you plan to consciously and knowingly pursue a path to get the other child one and thus exacerbate that. I do not think ti says much about your ability to reflect or be sensitive. The first time it might have been a mistake, a genuine accident. To do it a second time and on purpose really does not show you in a good light.

Original poster

fitbitcrazy · 15/02/2020 10:48

I do see your point Bah but over the years my sister in law has barely acknowledged any gifts/outings/treats etc that my family have done for her two boys which doesn't bother me as at the end of the day, the boys have had pleasure and delight from those things.

However, it does irritate me that on this occasion she feels it necessary to convey her anger and annoyance to others, knowing full well that I will hear. She hasn't actually articulated as far as I can make out exactly what it is that she is so angry about and I feel that it is for her to do so. If she can't be bothered to acknowledge gifts gratefully then she shouldn't do so ungratefully either.

OP posts:

MyFartWillGoOn · 15/02/2020 10:58

I feel you're being a bit consciously obtuse here op and in danger of carrying on regardless just to make a point that she hasn't confronted you directly.

I along with MANY other posters view this type of gift as one I would have checked with the mother AND father first and if at all contentious, I wouldn't have got it.

You seem keen to completely ignore all of this, make a point about the play station (which again, is her decision not yours) and feign that you simply must get it for older sibling as younger one has one so that's that.

So many posters have agreed the gift isn't appropriate yet you're still in denial

Go ahead and follow through with your plans but be prepared for there to be a fall out.

I think your judgement is definitely coloured by their soon to be divorce and if it were me I would reach out to her and check what would be appropriate for the other nephew (but still spend the same amount)

Mittens030869 · 15/02/2020 11:08

For me it's telling that she's never before been concerned about the money spent on her DSs or treats and gifts.

There's clearly no love lost between the OP and her ex SIL, so the chances of them talking this through in a civilised way now that the ex SIL is divorcing the OP's DB are virtually nil, sadly.

BahMooQuack · 15/02/2020 11:11

Op, honestly. Go ahead and do what you want. It is clear this is not about a gift but about making some sort of point. Crack on then. But don't pretend to be surprised if there is fallout ... you seem to be actively seeking it. I do not understand that mindset, but it clearly matters to you.

Pumperthepumper · 15/02/2020 11:15

Also, just to back up another poster - siding with their dad over their big bad mum will do untold damage to them when their parents split up. Please try to be their aunt and actually help them, rather than using them to score points against your sister in law.

Original poster

fitbitcrazy · 15/02/2020 11:20

As I said, I have always treated both boys equally and I'm not going to stop doing that at this point when I have not been told by her that there is an issue.

If, as a parent, you are willing to accept presents etc and not acknowledge them gratefully (not that that is an issue for me as I said previously) it is a bit rich to then start jumping up and down when you feel that a particular present isn't appropriate for whatever reason. You can't have it both ways - and if you do have a problem then it should be articulated.

It seems to me many parents feel they can pick and choose as they wish - unfortunately life doesn't work like that! I am not going to be let my nephew feel let down.

OP posts:

Aderyn19 · 15/02/2020 11:21

Haven't read the whole thread yet but I think you did fine. I can see why the mum might have concerns but if she has an issue, she ought to speak to you directly and not bitch behind your back. Also, if your brother is okay with it, then get one for the other nephew- he is equally their parent and knows whether this would be okay for his children.
You sound like a fab aunt.

bingbangbing · 15/02/2020 11:23

You're basing all of this gossip.

Give her a ring.

And yes, parents do get to pick and choose.

Awrite · 15/02/2020 11:25

I wouldn't buy a 10 year old a Fitbit unless parents approved.

I would be inclined to be more annoyed at the shitstirrers running messages between you and sil.

Sounds very immature. Most teens grow out of that by about 13.

MyFartWillGoOn · 15/02/2020 11:26

Yes, parents absolutely do get to pick and choose. I maintain that you seem to be trying to cause an issue to make a point.

I'm not sure what the point of posting in AIBU was? Enough posters have given you pause for thought and you even said you'd go back to vouchers. But now seem to have thrown all toys out of your pram and are sticking to this potentially contentious present.

As PP has said, crack on!

ddraigygoch · 15/02/2020 11:27

It's not OP job to ring her. She bought a gift that the recipient is pleased with. If the mother has a problem then its her responsibility to raise it. Otherwise there is no problem.

bingbangbing · 15/02/2020 11:28

She hasn't raised it though.

The OP is making assumptions based on gossip. The only way to clear that up is to speak to the mother.

ddraigygoch · 15/02/2020 11:30

Why does she need to speak to the mother? I'd ignore idle gossip. The OP doesn't have a problem. She's got the fathers green light, the nephews request for the present and she can afford it. Everything's golden for her.

The person with the problem is the one who needs to raise it.

Original poster

fitbitcrazy · 15/02/2020 11:32

The phrase "pick and choose" is primarily directed at a parent's reaction to a present. I feel it's inappropriate / rude - call it whatever you want - to show no gratitude for presents children receive that you are happy for them to have (and especially when the children are too young to express their own thanks) and yet for that same parent to show dissatisfaction / anger (albeit in my situation to others not to me, the3 giver of the gift) when somehow they feel that they are not happy with the gift - for whatever reason.

Show gratitude or not but you can't pick and choose. That is what I meant!

OP posts:

bingbangbing · 15/02/2020 11:36

Well the OP either needs to ignore the gossip (making this entire thread pointless) or find out the truth.

Otherwise she's working herself up over a load of nonsense.

Lucytwosie · 15/02/2020 11:39

You sound like very hard work, I'm glad you're not my sil. Yes, you need to check with parents before buying one.

Original poster

fitbitcrazy · 15/02/2020 11:41

You're right bingbanbong I am going to ignore the gossip, tell myself that until my sister in law decides whether or not to contact me, I will treat both boys equally and purchase the second fitbit.

Thank you - I have got my self worked. As I mentioned, probably more to do with the fact that she never voices gratitude but is happy to voice her ingratitude (if I believe the gossip!) Ignorance is bliss as they say...

Have lovely weekends everyone.

OP posts:

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