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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My SIL (soon to be ex-SIL) has gone batshit crazy over my gift of a fitbit to her 10 year old DS

244 replies

fitbitcrazy · 13/02/2020 22:07

So it was my nephew’s 10th birthday and I gave him a fitbit which he absolutely loves - in fact his older brother who turns 11 shortly has asked for one too. The problem is his mum (my SIL soon about to be ex-SIL) has gone batshit crazy and said that it was a ridiculous gift to give a child. Apparently she is going to have words with me....AIBU to have given this gift? (just to add my nephews are both fit and active boys). I am totally perplexed as to what her issue is.

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 14/02/2020 01:27

Well, maybe she had promised to buy them a fitbit as a reward for something. For example, doing homework or passing a test and you spoilt that. Maybe she just wants to be asked about presents. 🤷‍♀️

TheNestedIf · 14/02/2020 01:28

Maybe she has some sort of obsession with her weight and is sensitive to her sons following suit, in that case, then. Or maybe she's just anxious they will become that way.

Whatever the truth, I think you've done a good thing but as other posters have said, you're going to have to talk to her and find out what the problem is.

Hope it goes well.

Warmfirechocolate · 14/02/2020 01:38

@fitbitcrazy that is the crux of it. It’s her mum who has the decision on the PlayStation or the Fitbit. It’s for her to manage and not for you to interfere and dictate what the children are to get. It’s a parenting decision whether it would be your kind of parenting or not.

Of course PlayStations can be addictive, however as the in law I think it’s even more important not to buy a present that then ‘judges’ or judge then on her decisions.

Keep it light!

Nofunkingworriesmate · 14/02/2020 01:41

You have only heard she is angry from second hand gossip, she should have thanked you

Nofunkingworriesmate · 14/02/2020 01:43

Do you buy the other one a fit bit now ? if he wants one specially if you haven’t heard anything from the mum you can go ahead “innocently”. Will be weird not to get him one too

Original poster
fitbitcrazy · 14/02/2020 01:50

I suppose I can wait - I’m guessing she’ll be thinking that I will likely treat them equally and get the second nephew one too. So perhaps it is for her to raise it with me and if I hear nothing then get the second Fitbit.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 14/02/2020 01:57

I can assure you that I am in no way playing the parents off against each other. That is a huge assumption to make!

Another reason to run this past your SIL is to get a heads up about any issues between your brother and her wrt potential gifts - as an example, a father who will see boys EOW wants to get phones for DCs, mother doesn't want all the issues surrounding phones, internet access, porn, violent videos, sexting.

Are you sure there wasn't already some argument between your brother and his stbxw over fitbits? All the trendy kids have them in schools now, and it's not inconceivable that you have inadvertently stepped smack into the middle of an ongoing fight between the parents over them.

It's not inconceivable that a father might try to be Cool Dad and say yes to all sorts of gadgets when divorcing, just to spoil the DCs a bit, whereas a mother might want to maintain the status quo if she is going to be the resident parent, especially where electronics and current fads are concerned.

Since your brother and SIL are divorcing you are going to have to be especially mindful of this aspect of gift giving.

mathanxiety · 14/02/2020 02:02

You should call her and ask. Don't risk compounding the problem by buying a second one.

AnneOfTeenFables · 14/02/2020 02:22

If you genuinely can't see the difference between a Fitbit and a Playstation despite the many posts explaining the difference, then I don't know why you bothered posting.

HannaYeah · 14/02/2020 03:09

This is all angst caused by someone relating something to you second hand.

I’ve found it extremely helpful to only believe things that I experienced myself when it comes to people. Basically, if you didn’t hear it directly from your SIL, it did not happen.

First not matter if you trust the person who told you, or think they have good intentions. Them repeating this to you has not helped you in any way at all.

Maybe it didn’t happen. Maybe it was mis interpreted. Maybe it’s complete lie. Maybe your SIL didn’t mean it. Maybe she did but changed her mind. Maybe an alien abducted your friend and made them lie about this in order to take over the market for FitBits and replace them with some other companies technology.

Get the other nephew the same thing and don’t saw a word about it to anyone. Especially the person that carried this message to you. They, purposely or not, are more worrisome than SIL.

HannaYeah · 14/02/2020 03:14

Gah the typos that I cannot correct!
Apologies.

catwithflowers · 14/02/2020 03:26

I think its a lovely present and you seem like a very kind and generous aunt. 💐

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/02/2020 03:28

I disagree that you should just wait and get your other nephew a Fit Bit - just call her!
Tell her that you've heard she wasn't happy about the first Fit Bit an that you're sorry, but you don't understand why and you were planning on getting one for your older nephew too as he's keen and you don't want to treat them unfairly or disappoint him.

Let her tell you what her problem is with DNs having Fitbits - otherwise you can speculate all you want but you'll never actually KNOW.

And it IS very different from having a playstation/gaming addiction - there's no comparison in fact, because although that's not good for your health either, to be constantly on electronic gaming systems, it doesn't affect your mindset in the same way as constantly checking your steps, your calorie intake, working out how many steps will offset your lunch snack, etc. As posters have described, that level of obsession is the gateway to an eating disorder at worst, or an unhealthy obsession with weight and looks.

Also I REALLY don't like the "step shaming" nonsense that a poster mentioned - how awful! I think maybe schools should refuse to allow them in school time - they should be handed in along with mobile phones and other devices at the start of the day and collected at the end. Yes I KNOW that means they would "lose all their steps" in the schoolday but so what? It shouldn't matter so much to them!

Please phone her and LISTEN to her reasons.

curiousierandcouriser · 14/02/2020 05:49

@fitbitcrazy

Why are you worried over what your SIL thinks? The boys like it and their dad said it was fine - I really don't see the problem. Maybe the SIL had a rant and got over it or maybe the mutual friend exaggerated. As she hasn't actually told you anything, I would just go on as normal.

Monty27 · 14/02/2020 05:56

Ask her to return it then get a refund and take him out somewhere for a treat.

sashh · 14/02/2020 06:11

I think there are a couple of scenarios possible here. Maybe your DN has been asking mum for one and she has said no for the reasons some on here have said, 'step shaming' and unnecessary counting of calories.

Then someone turns up with one, she can't really take it off him and she can't stop her other child having one now.

A friend had similar, her brother turned up to his niece's birthday with a hamster in a cage.

The other thing is that she possibly thinks you are implying her children are fat.

Cherrysherbet · 14/02/2020 06:15

My 9yr old dd has one, and loves it. I can’t imagine what the problem would be. I think they are great fun for kids, and help them to understand that achieving a good step count will keep them healthy. A great lesson for life, I think.

PlumsGalore · 14/02/2020 06:18

I think it’s a great present, I would explain to DN1 that you will give him a voucher for the same value for Argos so he can pick his own if he wants one too. Let her tell him he can’t have one.

adaline · 14/02/2020 06:27

There's a lot of faux innocence coming through from your posts OP.

Hundreds of people have explained to you how dangerous fitbits can be in terms of the impact they have on children's lives (an obsessive interest in counting steps at age 9/10 is not a good thing), yet your posts are still full of "goodness I had no idea" and "but PlayStations are addictive too aren't they?"

It's like you're deliberately missing the point for some reason. If I had a 10yo and someone bought them a Fitbit I would be politely returning it - no way is that a suitable gift for a young child. They shouldn't be worrying about calories or exercise or steps at that age!

Soontobe60 · 14/02/2020 06:31

If you get the older brother one after having been told that she's wasn't happy with you getting the younger brother one, then you're just being a dick.
What I would do, as a reasonable, sensible woman, is give her a ring, tell her your mutual friend said she wasn't happy about the gift and ask if that's true. Explain that you were going to get one for the eldest. She may well say that yes she didn't want the boys to have them but now that you've bought one, you may as well buy the other. Or she may say she won't let him wear it so it was a waste of money. Either way, instead of asking us, ask her!
It may well not be the cost of the gift, but the actual gift. I wouldn't want my dc to have one. I'm a teacher, and we've banned them because children were body shaming each other and some children were becoming unhealthily obsessed about steps.

Goawayquickly · 14/02/2020 06:31

I'm also the mum of an anorexia sufferer, I'd ban them for kids if I could.

NearlyGranny · 14/02/2020 06:33

Easy solution: tell her you'll take it back!

Frenchw1fe · 14/02/2020 07:02

I would definitely get the other nephew a fitbit otherwise he'll feel left out. If your db is ok with it then he has just as much say.
I don't think it's the gift itself it's because your nephew was so pleased with something you gave. Imo it's a control thing, I have an ex sil who would have been the same. 10 days and she's not returned the gift, strange that.
As you say you're the giver so as long as it's not inappropriate then it's your choice what to give.
A fitbit is just a glorified watch.

Beautiful3 · 14/02/2020 07:09

I think it's a great present! Dont understand why others would say it's not. I would get one for the older brothers birthday so that they can compete! All excerise is good.

adaline · 14/02/2020 07:10

A fitbit is just a glorified watch

It's really not. A watch doesn't count your steps or your calories and encourage you walk a certain number of steps per day. It doesn't encourage competition between small children as to who can walk the most steps. It doesn't encourage those children to "burn off the calories" because they had an extra slice of pizza or chips with their lunch.

Fit bits have caused obsessive problems for adults who have the knowledge and ability to manage their use. I'm pretty surprised so many parents think they're acceptable gifts for children - it's not a good thing that 9-10 year olds are counting steps!