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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My SIL (soon to be ex-SIL) has gone batshit crazy over my gift of a fitbit to her 10 year old DS

244 replies

fitbitcrazy · 13/02/2020 22:07

So it was my nephew’s 10th birthday and I gave him a fitbit which he absolutely loves - in fact his older brother who turns 11 shortly has asked for one too. The problem is his mum (my SIL soon about to be ex-SIL) has gone batshit crazy and said that it was a ridiculous gift to give a child. Apparently she is going to have words with me....AIBU to have given this gift? (just to add my nephews are both fit and active boys). I am totally perplexed as to what her issue is.

OP posts:

Mulledwineinajug · 13/02/2020 23:51

Totally isn’t about the cost. It’s about whether the parent considers it healthy for a child.

However, cost wise you don’t want to be outdoing the parent really.

HeddaGarbled · 13/02/2020 23:55

Oh, don’t be daft - get them books or Lego or something.

coolwalking · 14/02/2020 00:00

Definitely not a gift I would give without checking with parents.

It's not a toy and the 'experts' are concerned that its taking the fun out of play and making it measurable (steps etc). In some children, this can manifest as anxiety. Basically there's no need for kids to have them.

DaveGrohlsMuse · 14/02/2020 00:06

Nope, I wouldn't want my kids to have one, and I agree that it's a gift that should be run by the parents first.

There's plenty of information available online that explains why they aren't necessarily a good thing for children to have.

mellicauli · 14/02/2020 00:21

I gave one to my son for his birthday. His 2 friends have got them and they have competitions. They love to talk tech They love sport. They love a competition, so perfect. Many boys have grown out of lego by 10 and a book isn't such a great present if you're dyslexic.

SeaEagleFeather · 14/02/2020 00:25

Our (outstanding) headmistress recommended one for our son!

I don't know, seems like an expensive, beautiful treat for a child. You have to be a bit careful with anything electronic for a kid because games / social media is baleful: they're consciously designed to be addictive, and addictive it are, hugely. A fitbit is pretty good imo, but many parents are twitchy because of hours of arguments day in, day out, over electronics.

You said you don't have kids so maybe you're not aware of how worried people are about addiction to anything with a screen and their offspring (me included). Maybe next time a word first?

It's hard to escape the suspicion that the soon-to-be-ex-SIL-bit plays a part in her reaction though.

In order to be fair to the kids, especially the older brother here, I'd be aware of the nuances and play it calm even if you feel miffed, say that you didn't mean to cause stress, and what would be appropriate for the older brother's present?

Careersytype · 14/02/2020 00:26

Who did your SIL react in front of? And then they told you? Have you never had a reaction to something, and then calmed down?

It doesn't sound like you like your SIL much?

Your nephew wanted a digital watch, and you bought him something waaaay more expensive. Perhaps she wanted to buy him the present he really wanted?

It sounds too expensive and a risky present anyways.

Why don't you just respect that your SIL is allowed to set some boundaries around her child, and apologise?

SeaEagleFeather · 14/02/2020 00:26

Must proofread better.

Original poster

fitbitcrazy · 14/02/2020 00:37

Thanks for your insightful post SeaEagleFeather. My dilemma now is what to get his older brother whose birthday is in 2 weeks - when he saw that his brother had got a fitbit he really wants one too. I think it would be pretty mean of me not to treat him equally.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 14/02/2020 00:38

When kids approach the teen years it's always a good idea to run gift ideas past the parents first. This is because a well-meant gift can have horrible consequences - because of the nature of the gift itself, and because of what it can do to the family dynamic.

Years and years ago consumer electronics weren't a thing. Competitive anorexia wasn't a thing. Wildly expensive stuff for children wasn't a thing for most families. So parents could relax as birthdays approached knowing that Aunty and Uncle would send a Lego kit or a book voucher or a set of watercolour paints, and no harm would come from any of that.

The fact that your brother is ok with the gift could reflect hostility toward his stbxw expressed as taking the chance to undermine her with the DS, or a less hands-on parenting style, or less awareness of the problems a Fitbit could cause. Don't try to play off these parents against each other.

Your passive aggressive responses here are not reflecting well on you. It's not difficult to exercise a little common sense and not unreasonable for the mother to expect you to do so. Her umbrage is warranted and the fact that she has a potty mouth doesn't detract from that.

Warmfirechocolate · 14/02/2020 00:39

These children have a father so his opinion counts too. If he wants a Fitbit and you want to buy it, get it.
That is totally divisive!

I know you meant well OP but I think that this wasn’t respectful of the child’s parenting - and his mum is allowed to be in control of her side of parenting, which includes things like electronic devices and fit bits.

My Ex and his family were always giving DS presents that were really contrary and disrespectful of my parenting. They’d gave him a PS4, an iPhone at age 10, video games for 18 year olds, and now talking of cars etc. It’s a pain in the arse to be truthful. I’ve felt like screaming ‘can you all please grow up’!

Parenting is hard, and things like counting your steps every day and having an expensive item on your wrist that you then have to negotiate and work around as a parent has a massive impact. It’s not fair on the mother who lets face it has to do the bulk of the managing of her child’s health and safety etc.

Ttcbabybennett · 14/02/2020 00:41

I personally would be shocked if a 10 y/o received a Fitbit to me theirs not marketed as agog they’re a gadget aimed at adults. Of course it came from a place of love from you but I do think your reaction has more to do with your relationship to her than the fact she’s shocked / unapproving of the gift... don’t let it eat you up you clearly stand by your decision but remember she is their mother and as such is allowed an opinion and also to limit his use of it if she feels it’s in his best interests, that’s parenting I’m afraid

Warmfirechocolate · 14/02/2020 00:44

I really agree with this. It is very passive aggressive and worst of all using gifts and a child to make a point.

Real life example OP. My DS did have a problem with over exercising and keeping fit in his teens. Not everyone knew about it, and his Dad couldn’t care less, just shrugged it off. It ended up with DS getting injured and also not growing properly as his diet was off. He also got a potentially fairly serious health condition from it.

If my ex SIL had bought a fit bit I would have been horrified and it would have set me and my sons relationship back as I would have had to be the bad guy and advise against it.

Warmfirechocolate · 14/02/2020 00:46

Also, just to say I think the biggest gift that you can give to your nephew is respect for his mother. That type of security knowing that his mother is backed up is utterly priceless.

Give her that and your nephew will thrive.

Original poster

fitbitcrazy · 14/02/2020 00:48

I can assure you that I am in no way playing the parents off against each other. That is a huge assumption to make!

OP posts:

BlackCatSleeping · 14/02/2020 00:54

Why don't you just talk to her?

A bunch of people on the Internet can't tell you the answer to this and by your own admission, you have no idea why she is upset about it. There are a dozen different reasons why this might be. Talk to her and apologise for if you upset her and ask her how she'd like to proceed and what to do about his brother's birthday.

kateandme · 14/02/2020 01:04

lots of people have seen how toxic they have been to kids.there are some that reacted really horribly to the obsessing over steps.they have caused disordered behaviours and they just aent sensible for kids to be obsessing like that.
she knows her kids and i think some would really be impacted by fitbits more than others.
i would never want one for mine as ive seen what its done and her anxiety and obsessing over weight/fitness/steps/calories etc just wouldnt be healthy with one of these.she wolud be totally susceptible to something like that being negative.

TheNestedIf · 14/02/2020 01:05

Surely this is just going to offset the relatively sedentary activity of the Playstation they're clubbing together to buy and therefore a good thing as long as there's nothing to indicate an eating disorder? Making exercise a habit is, on the whole, positive.

Warmfirechocolate · 14/02/2020 01:08

I accept OP that you didn’t mean to play off parents, however I hope you can see that it may have had that impact, and also not to belittle her concerns. You might be taken aback by her reaction however if you respect her now, apologise and talk to her, you could really help her, help your nephew and help your own relationship with both.

It could end up positive if you did this.

Original poster

fitbitcrazy · 14/02/2020 01:13

Yes, talking to her seems the best option although I’d like to wait for her to contact me - although if she doesn’t I will so that I can get my second nephew his present (whatever that might be).

I take on board all the comments about parents feeling uneasy about fit bits which I was unaware of to be honest. But I remain somewhat puzzled knowing they’re going to buy a PlayStation (which their mum has agreed to - as far as I know my brother hasn’t been consulted) and both boys have an iPad and the eldest is getting a smartphone in September. I honestly don’t see why the Fitbit has been so badly received by her in view of their current lifestyle. As I said, both boys are active, healthy and pretty sensible by all accounts.

OP posts:

TheNestedIf · 14/02/2020 01:17

Is your stbex-SIL healthy and active? Could she be feeling judged?

Warmfirechocolate · 14/02/2020 01:20

I think a huge part of it is just for her to feel that she is in charge of main electronics, at the pace she can handle and manage, knowing her children. It would feel undermining.

It’s also doubly sensitive as it’s hard enough after separation, so much bad feeling can arise with jostling to be a main parent. I know that is why my Ex bought DS an iPhone aged 10, it was an assertion of his ‘rights’ as a parent. Unfortunately it was really bad for DS. It’s a minefield enough with mum and dad, without additional family members! However well meaning.

Original poster

fitbitcrazy · 14/02/2020 01:21

She’s fit and healthy too, not overweight.

OP posts:

Warmfirechocolate · 14/02/2020 01:22

That’s what people would have said about my DS. Fit, slim and healthy, into sports. No one but me really knew how obsessive he was getting. It’s not something you see outside the main unit.

Original poster

fitbitcrazy · 14/02/2020 01:24

But surely the same can be said for PlayStation? I’ve read articles about kids becoming obsessed with those?

OP posts:

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