Is no funeral selfish?

[BitchyArriver]

Now, I know the bear pit of AIBU is not the most appropriate place for this. Really it should be in Bereavement but I really wanted the traffic and to enable voting to understand if I’m in the wrong or not.

My DH lost his father yesterday. It was quite a shock but we did know his health wasn’t the best. They had been estranged for years after he walked out on his family when the kids were little and never sent even a birthday card let alone CS.

Despite this they had made up with each other in recent years, seen each other very occasionally and he attended our wedding, sat at front row, in family pictures etc.

I’ve just been told today that there will be no funeral. Apparently his last wishes were to be cremated privately without any mourners. His immediate family (second wife and children) have decided to grant this wish even though they feel strange about it.

AIBU to say that funerals are for the living, and if you’re dead why would you care? I think that a funeral and wake would really help my DH to process this.

I’ve got my hard hat on. I also should have name changed but I think I’ve got zero fucks to give by now.

YABU it was your DFILs choice, and only his DW has any say in it.

YANBU not having a funeral is selfish and takes away the opportunity for people who weren’t at the hospital to say goodbye.

Selfish on who's part? Your FiL (doesnt sound out of character)? Or do you mean his wife is selfish not to arrange one?

I'm having a direct cremation. And I would expect my wishes carried out. You can have a get together regardless if you want to.

This is what my late MIL wanted. She died 16 years ago, before direct cremations became more widely known. The family met at a pub at a later date and had a celebration of her life.

This isn't really a matter of you being unreasonable. You feel how you feel. However, your FIL made his wishes known, and his wife has chosen to honour them. This is entirely her decision and she has the right to make it. You and your husband will have to move on from it, because allowing it to eat at you serves no purpose at all.

Selfish on FILs part. I don’t blame her for anything.

Why spend £5000 plus on a funeral?

Of course it's not selfish, what an odd thing to think, no one has to have a funeral. Surely you would want to honour your loved one's wishes.

Why can't you remember them by way of some other form of gathering?

My father wished for the same and that's what we did. There were 6 of us at the crem. He wasn't religious and wanted no fuss. There was no wake afterwards, except a cup of tea for the immediate family.

I think the very least anyone can do is to follow someone's wishes for their funeral/ cremation.

It's utterly selfish to override it. Just think how they would feel if they knew? They can't know of course, but it should hang heavy in the hearts of anyone going against what their loved ones asked for.

At the end of the day the wishes of the deceased should be complied with.

No, we have all decided on direct cremation. Nobody needs to go to a funeral. Family can have a gathering of sorts if they want to catch up but the actual funeral, none of us want to waste money on it when the cash can be passed on to our loved ones.

Why spend £5000 plus on a funeral?

Unless you bury them in the garden, using the undertaker for a few days, the cheapest cremation, simple coffin and a hearse will set you back around £2500.

I don’t think I’ll have a funeral for my Dad. I’ve contemplated this for a while. He is a prick and I experienced a lot of DV growing up. He is still violent to my Mum with dementia. He is such a great man to his friends. I cannot wait to not give him a funeral.

My friend wanted this when she died. It was hard, but we did it, Just 10 of us went. She then wanted a party a month later. We did that too, but it all felt weird and other people were confused and wanted to grieve/pay respects. It left me thinking it wasn’t the right thing to do. But it was her decision.

I've been thinking about doing this myself but I want a natural burial. Better get saving for it or take out an insurance policy.

I think I want a direct cremation no fuss done and dusted the family can scatter my ashes if they want, perhaps your Fil didn'twant a fuss.

My Dad has always said he can't stand the idea of everyone crying over his coffin, and having his family stand in a line greeting all the moarners (how do you spell that word??) He doesn't want everyone suffering over him.

He wants a ceilidh dance and lots of whiskey for everyone!

Some people do need group rituals to process departures (most obviously and catastrophically death, but other permanent departures too, such as the end of a distinct life phase - university, leaving a long term close knitt workplace, retirement or emigration). Others absolutely do not need or want them at all and process dramatic change and loss in a different way. I think the two "types" find one another's approach quite hard to truly understand and make room for sometimes.

Not having a funeral in the usual way is not selfish, but banning a get together ritual is.

A get together of some kind, in a pub or similar, in the way that often happens after a funeral, would probably be useful to a lot of people.

Funerals certainly serve a very real purpose for the living, but I can imagine cringing at the idea of your own and when getting your affairs in order expressing a wish not to have one. It would be self less in that situation to propose a very low key alternative, but is failing to accommodate others in this situation selfish or just not selfless?

I think perhaps your DH could suggest a small informal get together wouldn't conflict with his father's wishes and would help some relatives, including him, and friends, process the fact of his father's death.

Does it really matter? You won't get a say in what happens anyway. This was your fil wish, his wife is carrying out that wish.

I’m interested in responses as I’d like a direct cremation but am worried that dd will be upset at no funeral when the time comes. I don’t see the point in wasting £thousands on such a service. IMHO you can still have a family gathering/meal/wake where the focus is remembering the deceased without the actual funeral.....would this be an option?

A direct cremation is £1300.

I actually think this is not a selfish act on the fathers part, the opposite in fact. But maybe it's because I'm not exactly rolling in cash and my mum has no funeral fund in place, but I will still have to have one for her because it's what people expect.

Sorry for your loss. Yabu.

I struggle to understand the need for relatives to push for a funeral vs respecting the deceased’s wishes. Yes, they’re dead but they have said before death that they didn’t want one.

Mourn your own way. Plant a tree, donate to a charity, or something if you feel the need to mark, celebrate, or remember them somehow.

Surely you can do so without disrespecting the deceased wishes.

How is it selfish? His last wishes should be respected. You don’t need a funeral to say goodbye as the dead can’t hear you.

"My friend wanted this when she died. It was hard, but we did it, Just 10 of us went."

So surely this isn't what happened for your friend if 10 of you were there?

I'm having a direct cremation. And I would expect my wishes carried out. You can have a get together regardless if you want to.

Me too. If you want to sit around drinking Prosecco, eating a beige buffet and reminiscing about what a tw*t I probably was, then please do feel free to organise that amongst yourselves