Is no funeral selfish?

[BitchyArriver]

Now, I know the bear pit of AIBU is not the most appropriate place for this. Really it should be in Bereavement but I really wanted the traffic and to enable voting to understand if I’m in the wrong or not.

My DH lost his father yesterday. It was quite a shock but we did know his health wasn’t the best. They had been estranged for years after he walked out on his family when the kids were little and never sent even a birthday card let alone CS.

Despite this they had made up with each other in recent years, seen each other very occasionally and he attended our wedding, sat at front row, in family pictures etc.

I’ve just been told today that there will be no funeral. Apparently his last wishes were to be cremated privately without any mourners. His immediate family (second wife and children) have decided to grant this wish even though they feel strange about it.

AIBU to say that funerals are for the living, and if you’re dead why would you care? I think that a funeral and wake would really help my DH to process this.

I’ve got my hard hat on. I also should have name changed but I think I’ve got zero fucks to give by now.

YABU it was your DFILs choice, and only his DW has any say in it.

YANBU not having a funeral is selfish and takes away the opportunity for people who weren’t at the hospital to say goodbye.

@JinglingHellsBells - Seems very harsh to prevent your father's friend of 70 years from attending the funeral.

I’m not wanting some fancy horse and carriages hired cars huge do etc etc. Just the chance for his to say goodbye formally and ceremonially.

I think you are holding on to the idea that a funeral will bring closure and help your DH face up to the fact his dad has died

It has been a day the fact he hasn’t processed it or started to is normal. Grief is a far longer process than that.

Your FIL didn’t want a fuss and you have to respect that. That doesn’t mean you can’t talk through ways that will help your DH process it but it is his to process. To an extent you are outside of it and that I think is what you need t

I'm having a direct cremation. And I would expect my wishes carried out. You can have a get together regardless if you want to.

Yep, this is the way i will do it too. I hate funerals and refuse to go to my own.

I think you should focus on how your DH can come to terms. I don't think a funeral would really help tbh, in this circumstance, in fact, I think it might rub it all in more. How do his siblings feel about it?

Going to my dad's cremation did not help me 'process' it at all @BitchyArriver.

I am still tearful now, over a year on.

Conversely, DH's parents were of a different view and religion and had long funerals and a burial.

That was far more difficult on the day and actually just another 'thing' to have to process in itself.

Have you been to many funerals? I don't think they help people process the death at all unless they are religious and believe in the after life.

People process grief in their own way. Singing hymns, seeing the coffin, having a knees up in a pub or a hotel afterwards aren't the answer.

My father died just over two weeks ago and I’m currently sitting at home, while his body was cremated today with no mourners present.

In his words “why waste money on something that no-one really enjoys going to, when I won’t even be there to see what you’re doing”.

I’m actually ok with it, but my Mother is struggling a bit today.

Once the summer comes, we’ll have a party to celebrate his life. I think I’m going to be able enjoy seeing everyone by then - as his death won’t be so raw.

There are no rules on how to die - and everyone we’ve told thinks it’s a novel, but sensible way to go.

In my view, a funeral is actually for the living. It provides closure to the relatives and friends. A person may specify what they would like, but as they won't be there, then the relatives can do what they like.
In this case, the Wife (widow) has decided to grant the request.
However, in my view, it is then pointless for relatives to have a 'get together' at a later time. That rather negates the request in the first place.
In cases where there is no body, then I think some kind of 'memorial service' is best, but this is a bit difficult if you are not religious in anyway, so I guess some sort of get together, without the religion.

It only happened yesterday.

Give them a chance!

My goodness that is so true. The family have an Irish catholic bavkground. So I guess that surprised me as well. The last text I got from MIL was saying to keep in touch.

It's obviously not what we're used to, but what does seeing a coffin being burned/buried do to help the process?

You know that the person is dead & that you won't see them again.

Is anything really needed to bring that home?

I don’t quite understand this need for people to be at a funeral to pay their last respects. It’s not as if the person is there is it?

There are so many other ways you can pay your last respects, have a get-together, a home movie night, a party whatever it is the person actually liked rather than all the crying and sadness of a funeral. Because let’s be honest,even if the deceased requested no sadness at their funeral that’s not what happens.

OP, your fIL made his own wishes known. As alternative, wanting a big funeral or the like is almost as if you want people to cry and mourn over your coffin. I sure as hell don’t want that for myself and this certainly shouldn’t be seen as a rejection of your DH.

And funerals are bloody expensive. My DP’s brother died on Monday, and the cheapest funeral is £3.5k. He didn’t have any money so the family are having to find it.

OP, what’s jumped out at me is this... I just want an opportunity to be with all the family I suppose.

Separate this thought from your FIL’s funeral. If you want an opportunity to get family together, make one. I have a weird and not so wonderful family background, but DP and I have hosted a family get-together twice in the last few years; once for a birthday, but once just for the pleasure of doing it and connecting people. I don’t know that we’ve changed any particular dynamic, but both went really well.

Even if you can’t host a big group of people, you can find a way to get people together, and you don’t need a death to hang it on.

I think your fears for your DH’s feelings are entirely valid, but I really would separate that issue from the broader one of being with the wider family.

Sorry for yourself and your DHs loss OP. My dad died suddenly at a young age and the expected thing to do was to have a funeral. Even though he walked out and had an affair, so I was never really close to him
In Hindsight, I know he wasn't really religious and it would have have given them another heart attack at the price we paid for the funeral. It's a very emotional time when someone has died and you don't need me to tell you that emotions can be very heightened.

Maybe give it a few days and have a chat with your DH again. I think respecting the last wishes of someone who has passed away, is probably the best tribute you can give them.
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I organised my DMs funeral. It was very traditional for the area she came from, and nice on the day. It was for me, something that allowed us to draw a line under her years of painful suffering. She had had no control in anything meaningful for a long time, and so to specify her coffin, the hymns, where the wake should be and what we should eat and drink gave her back some control. It was one last positive thing we could do for her. If she had asked for a direct cremation, the same would have stood I think. She was horribly abusive, but I am glad we did as she asked.

MIL is insisting on no funeral, her DD is quite upset but the rest of us weren't bothered. Though since then my DM died suddenly and I had to quickly arrange cremation, didn't want a funeral so we did a compromise of just immediate family attending the cremation and no service, just music. Then a month later had a wake for everyone. I feel my sisters and I needed to attend the cremation, it definitely helped the grieving as it was unexpected and we didn't get to see the body due to PM and distance.

To answer your question, yes it is selfish in a way because the funeral is for the bereaved.

No it is not selfish. My stepfather died a few months ago and had a direct cremation at his request. The last thing you can do for the deceased is to dispose of their body as they wished.

What is selfish is to expect someone bereaved to go through the trouble and expense of it organising a funeral, let alone the whole strain of the event, in order to let someone they were practically estranged from 'process' the death.

I'm really surprised at this thread. I've had the misfortune to attend quite a few funerals in recent years and organise a couple. I found them really helpful, psychologically it's a useful thing. I enjoyed having family together and marking the passing of someone I loved. Seems very sad not to do that and I can understand your dh feeling upset at this.

I have been to far too many funerals over the last few years, parents, parents in law and two dear friends. I found them all incredibly painful and just dreaded going. Attending did not bring me any comfort or any sense of closure. They were just to be endured.

I will be more than happy to be taken to the crem with no-one present. I just don't want to put those I love and who love me through that. To me it is like twisting the knife in the wound I would rather they all met up a few months later, after the initial sting of loss has passed, got drunk and laughed about all the daft things I got up to during my life .

Oh and our direct cremation with a 20 minute time slot to play music /say a few words cost £1,100 so not mega bucks but still a fair bit. No where near £5k though.

Have you been to many funerals?

Yes a few family and friends including my grandmother and mother. My mother’s I actually organised, chose the flowers etc and cooked for the wake. It helped enormously to have this to keep me busy but the ceremony was a blur of grief. Even now I can’t believe how much effort I put into the food, I must have looked like a mad woman but it kept me sane.

In answer to your question, Irish catholic on his side and Jewish / Episcopalian on mine so funerals are a very normal part of family life.

You absolutely have to respect the wishes of the deceased and do exactly what they requested.

My late mum was adamant she wanted a very quiet funeral, just her DCs and partners, and grandchildren. She knew a lot of people and I had to say that they couldn't attend her funeral, which was odd and quite awkward, but I felt very strongly that I should do this last thing that she wanted. It was esp odd as it was a full mass in a catholic church with a handful of people.

I think it’s extremely selfish. You’re not there, what does it matter to you after you’re dead? Funerals exist for a reason, they’re a formal way of saying goodbye and marking the end of a life, they’re for the living. Arranging suitable and personal funerals for my parents was massively helpful in the grieving process, the final act of love. You’ve got to be a real control freak to dictate what happens when you’re no longer sentient.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

My mum died last year. She had cancer and we never discussed a funeral. She gave her body to science. Whilst she was in the hospital and hospice none of her 'friends' visited her, only her family. We decided not to have a funeral, instead we had a celebration of her life in a country hotel a month later with all her close family- children, grandchildren, sister and nephew ( and partners). We all stayed over and had quality time together reminiscing and sharing photos and memories. It cost £900 rather than thousands.

Maybe you could have a gathering to celebrate your FIL's life and scatter his ashes. An afternoon tea or pub lunch somewhere nice with MIL and bring some special photos to share.

I’m also having a direct cremation.
My friend said exactly the same thing, a funeral is for us not you Cos you’ll be dead!
I told her I didn’t want a bunch of hypocrites crying crocodile tears at my funeral. I just don’t want one.
Also explained to my daughter (12) my reasoning.
They have decided to go to McDonald’s and raise a Big Mac in my memory!!
It’s not selfish of me, it’s what I want. By all means meet up as a wake type of thing but dont be crying over me. I dobt want it.

my DH will take this as one final rejection from his father

Well, it's not. If his father had specified a funeral with all invited bar your DH then fair enough but he just didn't want one - full stop. It's just respecting his final wishes and there's other ways of celebrating his life, bringing the family together and dealing with grief.

Some people want a direct cremation because they don't expect much of a turnout, can't stand the fuss, the expense, the hypocrisy etc It's not selfish IMO.