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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is no funeral selfish?

257 replies

BitchyArriver · 13/02/2020 15:46

Now, I know the bear pit of AIBU is not the most appropriate place for this. Really it should be in Bereavement but I really wanted the traffic and to enable voting to understand if I’m in the wrong or not.

My DH lost his father yesterday. It was quite a shock but we did know his health wasn’t the best. They had been estranged for years after he walked out on his family when the kids were little and never sent even a birthday card let alone CS.

Despite this they had made up with each other in recent years, seen each other very occasionally and he attended our wedding, sat at front row, in family pictures etc.

I’ve just been told today that there will be no funeral. Apparently his last wishes were to be cremated privately without any mourners. His immediate family (second wife and children) have decided to grant this wish even though they feel strange about it.

AIBU to say that funerals are for the living, and if you’re dead why would you care? I think that a funeral and wake would really help my DH to process this.

I’ve got my hard hat on. I also should have name changed but I think I’ve got zero fucks to give by now.

YABU it was your DFILs choice, and only his DW has any say in it.

YANBU not having a funeral is selfish and takes away the opportunity for people who weren’t at the hospital to say goodbye.

OP posts:
RepeatAdNauseum · 13/02/2020 16:11

My Dad always said he wanted to be wrapped in a black bag and thrown in the river. He hated the idea of a group of people gathering to think about his death.

I don’t think that’s necessarily selfish. I’m not sure funerals do generally help the living.

Dita73 · 13/02/2020 16:11

I’m not having a funeral when I go. They’re awful things and I don’t want to put my daughters through it

drivingtofrance · 13/02/2020 16:12

I'm all for a direct cremation.

FIL has made his cboice

RB68 · 13/02/2020 16:12

I honestly can't knock him for this one and many of my family have decided on this route including myself. However, it doesn't stop you having a wake or celebration separately where you all get together have a few drinks a shed load of food and tell each other stories should you want to

MadamePewter · 13/02/2020 16:16

I think it’s pretty horrible. My F is planning this.. but as he’ll be dead I’ve told him it’s plumed horses and a procession through the town..

I see where you’re coming from OP

Original poster
BitchyArriver · 13/02/2020 16:17

I just want an opportunity to be with all the family I suppose. As yet we have not been told there will be any form of get together. I think in a way that’s more important than the funeral ceremony itself.

OP posts:
khaleesi71 · 13/02/2020 16:17

Similar has happened to us recently - and my DH and his siblings couldn't face an empty funeral home and to say 'what a great guy' about their father. He wasn't and he didn't want a service either - just to scatter his ashes where he most wanted to be. His Not-EXW struggled with it but ultimately stepped away from the decision. Dealing with death is complex and families are often coping with unresolved issues - it's really about what the deceased wanted. Your notions of what is right or not isn't really relevant.

SpeechIssue · 13/02/2020 16:18

I’m not having one there’s no way I’m giving my narc mum and sister any opportunity to attention seek and eat cakes

diddl · 13/02/2020 16:19

I think though if his widow is prepared to do this as he asked then your husband just needs to accept it.

It's not about him & what might help him get through it.

Perhaps he can suggest a meet up?

JinglingHellsBells · 13/02/2020 16:20

Considering you are not 'family' in terms of blood relatives @BitchyArriver I think you ought to wind your neck in.

I'd be furious with you if as a partner of my DC you tried to dictate the format of a funeral for a parent of mine or a spouse.

You've got a nerve. It's not your call.

TARSCOUT · 13/02/2020 16:20

He can be as 'selfish' as he wants after all it is his death. Not your choice his last wishes should be granted.

HalfBiscuit · 13/02/2020 16:22

Invite everyone round your house then OP, if you want to be with all the family.

It's not about what you want. I don't think it's selfish of him at all.

MaidenMotherCrone · 13/02/2020 16:23

I had a direct cremation for my husband and it's what I want.

I had the conversation with my adult DC yesterday so they know. They asked why and I explained I felt funerals were a massive money making con and funerals are horrible and I don't want them having to go through it. It'd upset them even more when they'd already be upset.

BarkandCheese · 13/02/2020 16:23

DH’s father died in December and he chose not to have a funeral. Part of his decision was financial, he had a plan which covered the cost of the cremation but not a funeral, but mostly he didn’t like the idea of the family coming together in sadness. It did feel odd, like there was no real finality, but it was his wish and we were happily to accept it.

Honeyroar · 13/02/2020 16:23

@diddl not quite sure what you mean? There was no service, songs, pictures, nothing. She was just cremated and a few v close people went. Lots of other people had wanted to come. At the party later on other people were invited, but despite what my friend wanted, nobody felt like partying. People WERE sad, whether she’d wanted them to be happy and have a party or not. Do you see what I mean? The party just didn’t work. It felt awkward. I think it might have been better if people had been to the crew first and been able to be sad initially, then went to the party. We tried really hard to arrange what she wanted but it felt like it just fell flat.

Mrsjayy · 13/02/2020 16:24

Your husband could maybe organise something to meet up with his siblings /relatives maybe for a meal as a memorium .

RoseAndRose · 13/02/2020 16:26

It is up to his family - in this case his DW - to decide.

I agree that funerals are for the living. But when the living, closest family decide not to, the matter has to rest there.

I hope your DH can find a way to mark his DDad's passing, maybe some sort of memorial gesture at the time of the cremation

Pilot12 · 13/02/2020 16:27

If you were dying and you told your DH/family your wishes for your funeral before you died - how would you feel if they went against what you asked for and did what they wanted instead?

This is what happened to my FIL, he died from cancer last year, told his immediate family what he wanted for his funeral and as soon as he had passed, MIL and SIL ignored his wishes and did what they wanted.

JinglingHellsBells · 13/02/2020 16:28

@BitchyArriver why do you want a family gathering? Are you especially close? Or religious?

I find YOUR wants quite breathtakingly awful.

One of my parent's closest friends of more than 70 years wanted to come to my dad's cremation and they were told no.

This is not about what you want.

You are utterly out of order.

Original poster
BitchyArriver · 13/02/2020 16:28

I'd be furious with you if as a partner of my DC you tried to dictate the format of a funeral for a parent of mine or a spouse.

You've got a nerve. It's not your call.

Where an earth did I even intimidate that I’ve tried to dictate anything to anyone? I’ve not even spoke to DH regarding my thoughts, let alone his DSM or siblings. Why do you think I’ve posted this on MN? Because I don’t want to talk to anyone in real life about it.

You’ve got a nerve. Let me guess you’re a SM?

OP posts:
MaidenMotherCrone · 13/02/2020 16:29

@Honeyroar what you have described is not a direct cremation just a very small, plain funeral.

There is nothing to go to with a direct cremation. I was told what day it would take place but not a time. It's not a funeral, no one is there, you just get cremated when there is oven space/time.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/02/2020 16:29

I just want an opportunity to be with all the family I suppose. As yet we have not been told there will be any form of get together. I think in a way that’s more important than the funeral ceremony itself.

If this is how you feel, then the onus is on you to arrange something. No one is preventing you from doing so.

VickyEadieofThigh · 13/02/2020 16:29

My partner and I have both stated and had it written into our wills that we do not want funerals, just direct cremation.

JinglingHellsBells · 13/02/2020 16:30

This reply has been deleted

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Runnerduck34 · 13/02/2020 16:31

You are absolutely right that funerals are for the benefit of those still living and grieving , not sure why your fil left those instructions, maybe he thought it would be easier? Ultimately it's up to his wife, if she wanted to arrange a funeral then I think that would be absolutely understandable and I'm sure people would support her decision. But if she's worried about respecting her DH wishes could she do a memorial service instead ?