Is no funeral selfish?

[BitchyArriver]

Now, I know the bear pit of AIBU is not the most appropriate place for this. Really it should be in Bereavement but I really wanted the traffic and to enable voting to understand if I’m in the wrong or not.

My DH lost his father yesterday. It was quite a shock but we did know his health wasn’t the best. They had been estranged for years after he walked out on his family when the kids were little and never sent even a birthday card let alone CS.

Despite this they had made up with each other in recent years, seen each other very occasionally and he attended our wedding, sat at front row, in family pictures etc.

I’ve just been told today that there will be no funeral. Apparently his last wishes were to be cremated privately without any mourners. His immediate family (second wife and children) have decided to grant this wish even though they feel strange about it.

AIBU to say that funerals are for the living, and if you’re dead why would you care? I think that a funeral and wake would really help my DH to process this.

I’ve got my hard hat on. I also should have name changed but I think I’ve got zero fucks to give by now.

YABU it was your DFILs choice, and only his DW has any say in it.

YANBU not having a funeral is selfish and takes away the opportunity for people who weren’t at the hospital to say goodbye.

Yes, dying is the only thing everyone will definitely do but it's obviously absolute nonsense to claim it's the hardest thing. Some people have a long terminal illness and face their death fully aware, others are in the middle of life with no thoughts of death and are wiped out in a moment. Degrees of physical and mental pain vary so enormously that there can be no meaningful generalisation.

Lots of people plan their funeral or make a will including last wishes believing death is decades away - it's not only people facing death who put practical preparations in place. To plan while healthy and believing that death is not going to happen any time soon isn't necessarily hard at all - in fact some people rather enjoy that sort of thing in a maudlin - or indeed a practical, orderly, tying up loose ends - kind of way.

Where people pay a professional funeral celebrant of any religion or none to talk about someone they didn't know in life it's pretty fake and never has the desired impact IMO.

We had the same humanist for my mums, nans and sisters funeral. He came and sat with me and one of my siblings for around 4 hours each time asking us about their likes, family, funny stories, what they were like etc.

The reason they are there is to "fill in" between any music, readings etc during the service. They are also responsible to making sure the service goes in the correct order, starts on time and play the music picked.

None of us would have been able to stand there for the time they spoke without breaking down and we didn't have the energy or strength to do that. Its hard enough to have to deal with the death and all the paperwork that goes with it to try and think of things to say for a set time.

He got all our names right (we are a big family) told the right stories, played the right music and was lovely when it came to readings as he came and got us to lead us to the front and back to our seats. It was a relief not to have to do all that and leave it to someone else.

I've told everyone I don't want a funeral, just a direct cremation (my brother has even offered to pick me up in the back of his van to drive me to my last change of a smoking hot body) so everyone can then have a nice lunch and drinks without someone worrying about having to cough up over £3500 for a very basic cremation where I am (which you have to pay up front so unless you have savings or someone can lend you the money it's one of the most stressful things ever if the death is unexpected).

My family are Christians, so we have church funerals as a matter of course. They aren’t for the benefit of the deceased, but are a comforting ritual for the family, friends, neighbours and congregation to pay their respects and say their goodbyes together as they commend the person’s soul to the loving care of God.
It’s nice for the family to choose anecdotes and life events for the minister to use during the eulogy - it causes a lot of smiling reminiscence, and brings people together. The deceased’s choice of hymns and readings that had special meaning for them are important too.
At MIL’s funeral the whole valley contributed garden and wild flowers and turned the village church into a veritable fairyland. At DH’s funeral, a friend who was an opera singer sang at his graveside as we lowered his coffin. It all helps to introduce loving personal touches into what can be a brutal experience.
I wouldn’t dream of denying my DC the chance to express their grief and be supported by the minister and congregation as they say goodbye to me.

Yes, but that is because you are a Christian, Bab, if you didn't believe in God at all you might feel differently and ask for your wishes to be respected. Also would a Christian church even have a full on funeral for someone who is an atheist or a humanist (or Muslim, Jewish, any type of non-Christian) just because their relatives want it?

I think funerals are for the living. It's that opportunity to acknowledge - and to punctuate that earth-shattering event of a loved one's death. To cart a body off to the crematorium, and act as if a death is 'nothing' is possibly storing up problems for the future. People can have all kinds of thoughts and feelings about the deceased - positive and negative. A funeral - or a get-together, or just some kind of acknowledgement (planting a rose bush?) is beneficial, I believe. Maybe OP you and your husband just do something together. But it feels like you need to do something.

Incidentally, my FiL requested his ashes be scattered at a race course, which we complied with, and patted ourselves on the back for carrying out his wishes. It wasn't until sometime later that we realised how detrimental this was to his widow. She needed somewhere to go where she could be close to him, and think about him. She felt so lost, not having this. So yes, have the send off you want, but do consider those left behind will need to mourn.

He sounds like a selfish bugger all round. However I very much think that when it comes to your own death you are entitled to do what you want, and everyone else needs to butt out.

Sorry I haven't RTFT.

When my dad died, my mum had no funeral, ceremony, burial, cremation or anything at all for him. His body was donated for medical research as he (and she) wanted. I think she just couldn't face a funeral. It was okay with me, but did feel odd.

Years later, my sister said she had found it very hard to grieve properly without an opportunity to say goodbye. She hadn't wanted to override our mum's wishes and said nothing at the time. So, about five years after his death she had a little ceremony to which she invited a few close friends and relatives. By this time his ashes had been returned by the researchers, and could be scattered in the sea. She invited people to write farewell messages and thoughts on paper which was burned. It meant a lot to her.

Perhaps your husband would like to organise something like that? If it would offend or upset his father's second wife and family to think that his wishes weren't being honoured, he might not invite them. But I think your husband deserves some opportunity to say goodbye.