Is no funeral selfish?

[BitchyArriver]

Now, I know the bear pit of AIBU is not the most appropriate place for this. Really it should be in Bereavement but I really wanted the traffic and to enable voting to understand if I’m in the wrong or not.

My DH lost his father yesterday. It was quite a shock but we did know his health wasn’t the best. They had been estranged for years after he walked out on his family when the kids were little and never sent even a birthday card let alone CS.

Despite this they had made up with each other in recent years, seen each other very occasionally and he attended our wedding, sat at front row, in family pictures etc.

I’ve just been told today that there will be no funeral. Apparently his last wishes were to be cremated privately without any mourners. His immediate family (second wife and children) have decided to grant this wish even though they feel strange about it.

AIBU to say that funerals are for the living, and if you’re dead why would you care? I think that a funeral and wake would really help my DH to process this.

I’ve got my hard hat on. I also should have name changed but I think I’ve got zero fucks to give by now.

YABU it was your DFILs choice, and only his DW has any say in it.

YANBU not having a funeral is selfish and takes away the opportunity for people who weren’t at the hospital to say goodbye.

My mother donated her body for medical research and on her death bed told me this is what she really wanted. She had done all the legal papers and a funeral parlour handled it all. I got a lot of grief from my brother and his wife about it afterwards, even though neither of them looked after her during her illness or were present at her death. The selfish people were them who projected their guilt onto me and didn't want to respect her wishes. If you can't dispose of your own body as you wish, what can you do?

I think it is a bit selfish. But not a patch on walking out on your young children and failing to parent them nor support them in any way practically, emotionally, financially and then following this up by occupying a front row seat at said abandoned child’s wedding.

I don't think it's selfish at all. It means nobody has to rearrange anything or worry whether they should go or not. It's also considerably cheaper than a funeral which means more money left over.

What family and friends usually do is have a little get together, a meal or meal in pub, in memory of the deceased.

I'm sorry for your husband's loss but it's so good he and his dad made friends in recent years and saw each other regularly. Your husband will get used to the idea, he has you for support. Go out for a meal and raise a glass to your late father in law.

*A direct cremation can be held anywhere in the country. It's quite cheap because they usually slot them in early in the morning.
People can attend but often it means a journey across the UK to the crem.

If it's at a local crematorium, the family usually attends but there doesn't have to be any hymns, readings, or anything like that. All we had at my dad's was some music playing while his coffin was carried in and we sat and watched it go behind the screens. The whole thing took around 15 minutes.*

Not where I live. A direct cremation means the coffin/body going into the crematorium. You can follow the coffin by car from the undertakers/mortuary to the crematorium if you wish. But that is it. No music, no watching the coffin going behind the screen.

I'm having a private cremation, all my family have been informed of my wishes.

Told my partner that I want my ashes in a nice pot on the mantlepiece so I can still be part of the family.

Bythebeach that's true! Focussing on the funeral is a bit of a displacement activity in this case!

A funeral is the first part and a wake is the second part - will there be a wake, when the ashes are returned?

@Bluerussian A direct cremation will cost about £2300/£2500 where I live. A funeral I helped arrange last year was £3300. So with direct cremation, and meal/drink get together, you are saving what £500?

Funerals are hard and are not a comfort. But I firmly believe they can really help with the grieving process.

I've been giving a lot of thought to this. I don't want a funeral. At my Gran's funeral I hated the idea of her in a box in the corner, so diminished compared to how she'd been when alive and healthy. But I do see that DH and the DCs will need closure of some sort.

I've been thinking about a private, no-fuss cremation with just DH and the DCs followed by an all-comers service at our local church and tea and coffee afterwards in the church itself. If the DCs are still young then they can skip the church bit if it's too distressing for them but they'd be able to decide for themselves on the day. I'll probably do something similar for DH too when he pops off, unless he leaves different wishes.

I want direct cremation followed by a Nandos. I have said to the kids if they feel differently they can do whatever. I won't be there! This is mainly based on my hatred of funerals and I know not everyone feels the same

I'm planning on having a direct cremation and leaving some money for the family to have dinner in a restaurant/hotel with a private dining room and remember me then. They can even say a few words if they want to! A friend of mine had this arrangement when her mother died, and said everyone thought it was lovely.

I don't want a proper funeral either, direct cremation and absolutely no religious involvement whatsoever. My mum and dad have both asked for the same thing. If people want to get together for tea and cake then of course they can, that will be up to my husband to decide and organise. I have also asked him to scatter my ashes on the beach where we had our first date, so people could gather then if they want to.

I think if someone had expressed their wishes about their funeral or lack of one then I would follow that. I also have to say that I am glad my dad doesn't want a proper funeral as neither me or my brother would be happy to pay for one given her abused us as children and there would be no one to attend anyway.

You can organise a direct cremation mostly yourself , as soon as you involve an undertaker the cost will rocket

speak to your local crematorium in the first instance

A direct cremation is only a tiny bit cheaper than a cheap funeral. There really is not much difference

I've been going on local funeral directors' websites. I found one that will do a direct cremation for £689 and that's in Sussex. I doubt that even a cheap funeral will be just a "tiny bit cheaper".

I'm planning to go in at the weekend and try and get a prepaid one for myself.

Not having a funeral sounds like a fantastic idea.

Those who say people can get together for cups of tea, how do you think in reality this would work? Because all I can see is that those grieving would file in, sit down with a cup of tea, and talk to those people they know. I just don't see the point.
And every funeral I have ever been to for people aged from 40 to 97, has had people attending who the organiser has not known.
Or do you just mean a few close family members go for a cup of tea? In which case it is no different than those few family members having a chat at any time.

I don’t think it’s selfish I don’t plan on having a funeral I don’t want money wasted. Get together go for a meal and look at photos and discuss memories. But to spend thousands on a service that means nothing isn’t what I want. I plan to donate my body but if it isn’t possible it will direct cremation.

I agree with your FIL. I’ve seen the enormous stress in the build up to the awful day itself, the huge emotional crash post-funeral. The death is bad enough. The funeral does nothing but hold up the grieving process.

No thanks.

I’ve seen a lovely natural burial woodland. My loved ones are under strict instructions to just have someone chuck me in a hole and plant a tree over me. No need to even turn up. Job done. If they want to come then that’s entirely up to them and would, of course, be lovely I’m sure, but no service, no mucking about with speeches or anything, no build up, no event.

For my parents it’ll be private cremation with no service, exactly as per their wishes.

@1066vegan What I suspect is that does not include the actual fees to the crematorium or Drs fees if you need them. I have seen adverts like that too, and it is just the transport and handling of the body you are paying for. It will say does not include third party fees.

I would say...it is up to the deceased whether they have a funeral or not. It is up to the living whether they hold some form of wake/celebration of the life.

I decided on a direct cremation having been to a few truly awful funerals. A dear friend who had lead such an interesting life, and one of the warmest people I ever met, died last year. He was a catholic, and his funeral was just awful. The priest appeared to be drunk and just rushed through it mumbling. There was nothing personal about it apart from the priest reading my friend's bullet-point life from a list, like a shopping list. A grandson spoke, but read off his phone!! again mumbling. Another one last year was a neighbour - cold crematorium, no atmosphere, impersonal, just depressing.

Of course it isn't selfish! Many people make plans for their own funerals and they should always be respected. I would quite like to not have one myself. I consider funerals to be an incredible waste of money. There is nothing to stop family members having a get together at a later time to remember FIL, but as he stated he didn't want a funeral then he shouldn't have one.

In general yes, I think it is a bit selfish. The funeral is, after all, for the people who are left behind.
But in this particular instance, the second wife and children from that marriage are okay with the idea and I'm sorry, but their right to decide how to proceed trumps your DP's.

@1066vegan direct cremation is definitely significantly cheaper. We’ve done it for family member. Anyone who says different is either being fleeced by a funeral firm or they don’t know what direct cremation is. It can be tricky to find a place willing to do it though.

I have had 2 funerals hijacked by "the living" for their own purposes.

The first was my mums. She wanted no flowers, no do. Just to be cremated and that was it. But no, families wanted flowers and wanted a do so they could feel better about it all. They wanted the flowers and meal so they could be seen to do the normal thing even though half of them left it to me and my sister to nurse her through her final months and rarely visited her or invited her when she was alive to their houses. She always said flowers and food are for the living and if someone wanted to show their respect then do it when they are alive.

The second was my sisters. Again she just wanted to be cremated and specifically said she didn't want 2 of our siblings there due to the ill will that occurred. Did my other family members listen? Nope. They invited them and they spent the time saying how much they loved her (which was a pile of bollocks so high you would have fallen off and broken a limb if you can climbed up on it)

If someone has stated what they want to happen at THEIR funeral the least someone can do as the final act to them is honour their wishes.

If YOU want a fancy do then plan it. Do not force your funeral views on others they will be having enough to deal with without pandering ti someone else's needs and desires.