Is no funeral selfish?

[BitchyArriver]

Now, I know the bear pit of AIBU is not the most appropriate place for this. Really it should be in Bereavement but I really wanted the traffic and to enable voting to understand if I’m in the wrong or not.

My DH lost his father yesterday. It was quite a shock but we did know his health wasn’t the best. They had been estranged for years after he walked out on his family when the kids were little and never sent even a birthday card let alone CS.

Despite this they had made up with each other in recent years, seen each other very occasionally and he attended our wedding, sat at front row, in family pictures etc.

I’ve just been told today that there will be no funeral. Apparently his last wishes were to be cremated privately without any mourners. His immediate family (second wife and children) have decided to grant this wish even though they feel strange about it.

AIBU to say that funerals are for the living, and if you’re dead why would you care? I think that a funeral and wake would really help my DH to process this.

I’ve got my hard hat on. I also should have name changed but I think I’ve got zero fucks to give by now.

YABU it was your DFILs choice, and only his DW has any say in it.

YANBU not having a funeral is selfish and takes away the opportunity for people who weren’t at the hospital to say goodbye.

We decided not to have a funeral, instead we had a celebration of her life in a country hotel a month later with all her close family- children, grandchildren, sister and nephew ( and partners). We all stayed over and had quality time together reminiscing and sharing photos and memories.

That sounds lovely.

You can organise a memorial for yourself and run that however you want; but if you don't honour the wishes of the deceased who has expressed their opinion and perhaps even made their own arrangements, then you are being selfish.

I do not want a funeral. I hate funerals, they have never once helped me - and I've unexpectedly lost a father and a good friend, as well as the usual run of elderly relatives whose time had come - so it's not like I haven't been exposed to enough of the buggers. They're vile.

I think they could help people who were fairly removed from the deceased, but for those in the inner circle - nah. Their loss is more fundamental than anything with flowers and prayers and a free bar with sandwiches afterwards can deal with.

So I've made it clear to my husband and son that I want a woodland burial - not cremation - no marker on my grave, no ceremony at all. They are my wishes, I consider them to be selfless, not selfish. Nothing about a death can be undone or made more bearable by singing a hymn together.

My mum had a direct cremation. We sprinkled her ashes on one of her favourite dog walks just me, dh and the dc. Lots of people had a real go at me that we didn’t give her a funeral, and then when I explained what we were doing lots of people wanted to come on the special walk with us! It drove me crazy to be honest. That was a special thing just for us to say goodbye, we were the only family she had so that’s what we did. I didn’t want to share that with anyone. If saying goodbye is really important then anyone can have their own memorial service. You don’t need a funeral service to do that. I think funerals are a huge waste of money. We spent £1300 on my mums direct cremation.

I wont be having a funeral. Hopefully it will be a long time away anyway, and by that point I'm really hoping the world will have found a more eco way to deal with dead bodies other than burial or cremation. I also really don't see the point of being sat in a room for 30 minutes whilst people talk exaggerated niceties about you at an extortionate cost.

Having been in your husband's position @BitchyArriver, it's not easy having to deal with a very intense day of people telling you affirmations of a person which you know aren't true (even if they had made up, believe me it's very likely a lot of negative emotions from the past are about to come exploding to the surface). It will probably be better in the long term not to have a funeral, let him go through his emotions one day at a time, not expect to let it all go in one service.

I think direct cremations work best if the surviving family are close and will still be inclined to spend time together to mourn/reminisce. I'm thinking of having one tbh. But if, say, the parent I've already buried had had one it would have been a disaster because various of my siblings and the other parent are on bad or nonexistent terms, and we couldn't all have been in the same room without the formality of a traditional funeral. Someone would have not been there or there'd have been a huge row, and that wouldn't be right. Given the family history, perhaps this wasn't a great idea on the part of the DF, but I think if it's what he wanted it needs to be honoured.

My Dad had a direct cremation as he was not religious but he still wanted a service so we had the direct cremation cost , no one attended and I collected the ashes from crem

we then had a celebration day a couple of weeks later in the village hall , I asked a celebrant to give a reading as he had met dad whilst alive , I said a few words and we played a couple of his favourite songs that he wanted . Probably about 60 people came along we did some simple food and drinks afterwards and scattered his ashes later on in the year

It was very simple but well received by everyone there and the lady who organised the village hall even remarked that we hadnt mentioned God once ! and its what he wanted

If you cannot have what you want on that day when can you !

It wasnt about money but the total cost was circa £1500

Nothing to stop you arranging a memorial of your own but it doesn't sound as if you were close, so why bother? Too late now to mourn a relationship that was never there.

* It will probably be better in the long term not to have a funeral, let him go through his emotions one day at a time, not expect to let it all go in one service.*

Thank you that is really good advice.

I don't want a funeral. I hate fuss and being the centre of attention (one of the reasons that I've never wanted to get married).

Plus even a basic funeral costs a fortune. If I go before dp and dd, I would rather them have the money to spend on something that they'd enjoy.

If anybody wants to get together, then they can always go out for a drink or go back to the house for a cup of tea and a chat if it helps them.

Neither DH or I want a funeral. Can't stand them. We'll be getting cremated and whichever of us is left will go and scatter ashes with the DC.

Sorry for your loss.

I do think that funerals are for the living. Death is very much part of life.
Having a space / focus for mourning is very important to help us get thorough the pain and grief. But everybody mourns differently.

I certainly think that having a funeral helps draw a line under the passing of someone, and helps in the long run to mourn and get that grief out in the open so the process of healing can slowly start.

There is an interesting concept in project management / change management called the Valley of Death whereby we go through a similar process for major changes in life as we do during mourning (obviuosly to different degrees).
Sometimes a greater more outpouring of grief over a shorter time will reduce the overall grieving period ... rather than a much longer period of feeling less grief.
Of course everyone is different though.

www.cleverism.com/understanding-kubler-ross-change-curve/

I think that this is part of the Irish wake and grief culture, which gives an intense 3 day period for mourning. It has been often said that Irish wakes are a beneficial therapurtic impact for many.

Personally I would follow the wishes of the deceased to the letter if possible.

I agree OP. I actually hate celebrations of lives.
Whenever someone has died that I have loved and been very close to then I want to grieve. And a funeral provides a way to help with that. A formal way of saying goodbye.

It’s his wishes so they should be respected.

My DH’s grandfather didn’t have a funeral but instead had a celebration of life a few months later.

Maybe your DH could do something privately. Go to a place that held special memories and listen to one of his dad’s favourite songs or read a book he liked.

Sorry for your loss OP.

There was no funeral for my uncle. Those were his and my aunt's wishes. My father (his brother) would have gone to a funeral and found the whole thing difficult. He never expressed any of these feelings to my aunt. I'm glad he had me and my brothers to lean on.

Would his grief have been easier if he had been able to go to a funeral? Who knows?

Would it be ok for his SM to have a wake, maybe the week after if she is touchy so that people can meet up to reminisce and talk about your DH father?

I think that, unless you are believing in God and the service is important to you, the important part of the funeral is the wake afterwards.

One of my closest took his own life.
He was a staunch atheist and his very Catholic family arranged very pious Catholic funeral.

It was extremely jarring and we knew he would have hated every second of it.

It put me off having a funeral too. I want to be disposed off quietly! I'm actually considering donating my body to science, which would solve any potential dilemmas.

And going out for a drink or cup of tea is not the same as a funeral.
Spreading ashes works with a very small group of people, but is not practical with a large group.

A direct cremation is only a tiny bit cheaper than a cheap funeral. There really is not much difference.

A direct cremation is only a tiny bit cheaper than a cheap funeral. There really is not much difference.

It is to the person whose last wishes did not want a funeral.

OP I would feel angry in your DP's position.
I would be fine with a direct cremation with more distant relatives or friends and a drink or get together instead. But not someone I am very close to.
And the idea of having a wake a few months later is an awful one IMO. These things need to happen soon. If they happen soon they do help with the grieving process.

@EuroMillionsWinner I know this is about the person's wishes. But I do think it is selfish. My point was that unless you are struggling financially, money is not a reason not to have a small cheap funeral.

My Mum died 10 years ago, it cost us £3000 for the most basic coffin, burial and wake. Paid for by myself and my siblings because my Mum and Dad didn't have two pennies to rub together. It was what she wanted, no fuss, simple, cheap.

It was brutal on us as family. Especially difficult for myself who has lived away from my Mum's home town for 25 years so although my Mum would talk about friends or people she knew from church I didn't know what they looked like. I had absolute strangers tell me how sorry they were.

Incredibly difficult for my Dad to have his grief on public display. He is a very private and proud man and it was devastating to endure.

Family who crawled out the woodwork and we hadn't seen for 40+ years came too. Why? You didn't see my Mum when she was alive!

I've been reading alot about direct cremation recently. It's definitely becoming more popular. It appeals to me. I hate fuss and agree with what Wordmeister said. I have never found a funeral comforting. They are an ordeal to get through. I believe strongly that the wishes of the deceased should be followed.

Maybe just have a private get together somewhere nice to remember him.
Let him have his wishes.