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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is no funeral selfish?

257 replies

BitchyArriver · 13/02/2020 15:46

Now, I know the bear pit of AIBU is not the most appropriate place for this. Really it should be in Bereavement but I really wanted the traffic and to enable voting to understand if I’m in the wrong or not.

My DH lost his father yesterday. It was quite a shock but we did know his health wasn’t the best. They had been estranged for years after he walked out on his family when the kids were little and never sent even a birthday card let alone CS.

Despite this they had made up with each other in recent years, seen each other very occasionally and he attended our wedding, sat at front row, in family pictures etc.

I’ve just been told today that there will be no funeral. Apparently his last wishes were to be cremated privately without any mourners. His immediate family (second wife and children) have decided to grant this wish even though they feel strange about it.

AIBU to say that funerals are for the living, and if you’re dead why would you care? I think that a funeral and wake would really help my DH to process this.

I’ve got my hard hat on. I also should have name changed but I think I’ve got zero fucks to give by now.

YABU it was your DFILs choice, and only his DW has any say in it.

YANBU not having a funeral is selfish and takes away the opportunity for people who weren’t at the hospital to say goodbye.

OP posts:
Original poster
BitchyArriver · 13/02/2020 16:31

You are utterly out of order.

For caring about my DH feelings having lost his father yesterday? That I haven’t shared with anyone?

Yes how dare I. How breathtakingly awful I am to give a shit about how my DH is going to process this.

OP posts:
bettybattenburg · 13/02/2020 16:32

My father died the day before yesterday. His funeral requests are completely at odds with what we would plan but it was his request so we are doing everything but one thing, his wishes are important to us - we don't want to feel that we are denying him what he wanted to happen. The fact that he will never know is irrelevant, it's what he wanted and it matters a lot.

AutumnRose1 · 13/02/2020 16:32

I don't think it's selfish at all and must be a huge relief for the family.

I wanted to do this for dad but mum was against it because of how she thought it would look.

if she doesn't make her own wishes clear then I will do that for her. Funerals are horrendous to organise and cope with.

Crunched · 13/02/2020 16:32

Maybe he was aware and ashamed of what a piss-poor parent he had been and was fearful of the hypocrisy in people gathering in his name to commemorate his life?
I agree the choice of funeral is down to the deceased but would also see that some form of ritual goodbye can be helpful to (?)mourners. I would encourage your DH to consider how he might come to terms with his mixed emotions... a get-together with others who knew his Father? A book of memories? A donation to a charity for children with absent fathers etc.?

TheFaerieQueene · 13/02/2020 16:34

It is a person’s last choice they make in their life. I don’t have a problem with it and would respect their wishes.

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 13/02/2020 16:34

It's his non-funeral, you should respect his wishes.

JinglingHellsBells · 13/02/2020 16:35

@BitchyArriver I don't know what a SM is in your reply.

I do know my dear dad died a year ago and we followed his wishes. It was a lovely, peaceful cremation and my mum could not have coped with a gathering afterwards or any fuss.

It still shocks me that you think your ideas of a funeral should trump his widow's and his!

bettybattenburg · 13/02/2020 16:35

OP there is nothing to stop you and your DP organising a memorial service.

hazell42 · 13/02/2020 16:35

You are absolutely right
My dad has said he wants something similar
I have told him to bog off
He tried to argue but I told him that as he will be dead he wont have much to say in the matter and he has given in for now
With my dad it was because he wanted us to not have the worry and he wanted to leave us as much as he could so anxious to do it on the cheap.
I dont think he realised how much funerals help, though he wanted only the best when my mum died

Original poster
BitchyArriver · 13/02/2020 16:36

bettybattenburg sorry for your loss.

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 13/02/2020 16:38

But your FIL will be buried or cremated. Your husband can attend that surely? I don't see why 'no mourners' applies to his son from his first marriage, do you? Does he?

You said your late FIL didn't want a funeral or mourners.

Where does that say he doesn't want his son to attend?

EuroMillionsWinner · 13/02/2020 16:38

I also want direct cremation. Don't think it's selfish. If others want to get together they're free to do so.

sonjadog · 13/02/2020 16:38

This is entirely normal in my family. We hold a memorial service a short while afterwards instead.

Honeyroar · 13/02/2020 16:38

I don’t believe I ever said it was a direct cremation. I was just describing what happened and how people felt/reacted..

Witsendagain · 13/02/2020 16:39

I've decided on no funeral for me. My husband too. I hate funerals, the curtains, the crying, just everything! I'd much rather people do their own thing if the want to to remember me.
My grandad also didn't have a funeral, there was no pressure to grieve in a set way, mum and various aunts and uncles and grandchildren didn't have to spend hundreds to come from all over multiple countries.
Those in the South paid for a bench in a local beauty spot out of part of the inheritance. Those in the North opted for a tree with a plaque where the ashes were buried. Both these things cost far less than 10+ family members travelling across country and accommodation, time off work, childcare for the babies etc.
It was nice, and we feel more open. We talk more about grandad than we do about other people I think because after a funeral there is an expectation that you have said your goodbyes and now life returns to normal and it becomes kind of taboo to interfere with other people trying to get on with their lives. Probably that's just a coincidence but it's how I feel!

KurriKurri · 13/02/2020 16:40

My mother has similar wishes for no funeral (I got a letter from her lawyer advising me of this- whic was a bit odd but another story)
I do think a funeral is an important ritual for family members to make their peace, and it helps people come to terms witht he death It is part of the grieving process.

In my will I have stated that what kind of funeral I have is entirely up to my (adult)children. I don't care - I'll be dead, so I want them to do whatever makes them comfortable. Like you OP I think funerals are for the living.

diddl · 13/02/2020 16:40

"@diddl not quite sure what you mean?"

Because unless I've misunderstood, Op is talking about her husband's father wanting no one being at the cremation, which isn't what your friend requested.

saraclara · 13/02/2020 16:41

For goodness' sake. OP brought this up as a discussion topic. Nowhere has she said she wants to change anyone's mind or even say how she feels to anyone else.

It's like people are reading an entirely different OP.

A friend of mine lost her cousin in a road accident when they were both in their 20s. His parents decided they didn't want a funeral for him, and did something very privately, with just them and his sister.

My friend really really struggled with not having some kind of closure to his shocking and sudden death. I think the wider family (even his grandparents weren't included in whatever the parents did) tried to come together to remember him in a different way, but it didn't really work.

So yes, a funeral is often helpful. But if it's what the deceased wanted, I don't think there's much anyone can do.

Original poster
BitchyArriver · 13/02/2020 16:41

Jingling we have been told that apparently no one will attend including my DH, his first born son. There has been no mention of any form of wake. I’m so scared my DH will take this as one final rejection from his father.

OP posts:
Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 13/02/2020 16:42

It's unselfish IMO
and anticapitalist
you can still get together to remember someone, simply and appropriately in a way that fitted the way they lived in a place more comforting and conducive than a church or a crem

Witsendagain · 13/02/2020 16:42

And I can't stand the idea of my mil sitting in the front crying her eyes out and making speeches about losing her 'daughter' when she's done nothing but snipe, undermine and belittle me during my life (like my wedding).

And funerals are expensive

diddl · 13/02/2020 16:42

"As yet we have not been told there will be any form of get together."

It only happened yesterday.

Give them a chance!

1forAll74 · 13/02/2020 16:42

No funeral if this was his wish. A family can arrange a memorial get together later if they wish.

TheWordmeister · 13/02/2020 16:42

Direct cremation is a burgeoning business. I don't think it's selfish at all.

Your husband does not need a funeral to process his father's death. Fwiw, my husband absolutely hated his dad's funeral. For many newly bereaved, a funeral is an ordeal to be got through and not therapeutic.

JinglingHellsBells · 13/02/2020 16:43

I think there is some confusion over what a direct cremation is or no funeral is.

A direct cremation can be held anywhere in the country. It's quite cheap because they usually slot them in early in the morning.
People can attend but often it means a journey across the UK to the crem.

If it's at a local crematorium, the family usually attends but there doesn't have to be any hymns, readings, or anything like that. All we had at my dad's was some music playing while his coffin was carried in and we sat and watched it go behind the screens. The whole thing took around 15 minutes.

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