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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He’s too frightened to let me in

176 replies

Floatinginthesky · 13/02/2020 14:41

What do you do when the man you have been in a relationship with for six months decides he’s not totally over the breakdown of his marriage. He was incredibly hurt and treated badly by her. He wants time to be ready to progress further and become less frightened of the risk of being hurt but genuinely seems to want to be with you long term. Do you stay friends in the hope he comes to his senses in time and moves forward in the way he insists he wants or do you walk away from him which would break your heart?

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 13/02/2020 14:42

Probably best to walk away.

AriadnesFilament · 13/02/2020 14:43

Walk away

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/02/2020 14:45

Walk away. You don’t want to be his friends and you’d just be wasting time hoping for him to decide he wanted a relationship with you. For all his apparently wanting to be with you long term, the reality is that he doesn’t want to be with you.

Twitney · 13/02/2020 14:45

Leave

MzHz · 13/02/2020 14:47

I always told myself not to consider any relationship “serious” until after the 6m Mark.

This guy is showing you he’s not able to have a relationship with you, it’s been fun, you’ve learned a lot, you’ve grown, and you’re establishing your own set of boundaries and standards

He’s not the one for you. He needs to grow and learn, so you might not feel like it, you might not want to, but you have to finish it. For your own sanity and self esteem

He can come to his senses, realise the loss etc, process and work this stuff out for himself is

Move on love. Seriously, don’t over think it, do it. You’ll heal, and you’ll free up space for the one you’re supposed to have.

Blackandgreenteas · 13/02/2020 14:48

Walk away.

It could be that he just isn’t ready yet, but that’s no use to you at the moment.

Or it could be a massive red flag and he’s trying to groom you to accept whatever crumbs of a relationship he offers, and to control you by saying “that’s just like my ex wife” whenever you step out of line during the relationship.

Not saying it is that but could be.

Original poster

Floatinginthesky · 13/02/2020 14:48

Having had the conversation with him, he does see to want me but wants time to mentally be ready for the next step. It is obvious in person how petrified he is of being hurt and that he wants to do the thing he’s actually avoiding. However as someone who is willing to take a chance, it’s incredibly frustrating that he’s so nervous. I’m supposed to be meeting him for lunch tomorrow to talk and don’t know how to handle it.

OP posts:

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 13/02/2020 14:51

Walk away. There's no way to bw friends without becoming a) his therapist, helping to counsel him through his breakup feelings, b) his puppet, endless doing the pick me dance, and c) his FWB because I'd put money on the fact that whilst his deep unresolved feelings make it impossible for him to commit to you, they will be no barrier whatsoever to him still shagging you. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you're on a one way track to giving him 100% of the power in your relationship, whilst you dance around trying to prove what a wonderful understanding supportive girlfriend you could be if he'd only "come to his senses". Walk away, let him get over his shit, and then he can come back when he's ready to have a proper relationship without all the games. If he doesn't come back... Well, that'll hurt, but at least you'll know.

Chillicheese123 · 13/02/2020 14:52

He sounds like a nightmare I’d stay well away. It’s not your job to fix someone.

ShinyGiratina · 13/02/2020 14:52

It's not worth the risk of emotionally investing in him. Will things really all be fine in a realistic timescale, or more likely, could you waste years with him and not get the emotional return/ commitment.

LonginesPrime · 13/02/2020 14:53

Do you stay friends in the hope he comes to his senses in time and moves forward in the way he insists he wants

That sounds like it would put an awful amount of pressure on someone who's already not where they want to be emotionally.

I would walk away as he's in no place to have a relationship at present and your emotional wellbeing is likely to be collateral damage.

redastherose · 13/02/2020 14:55

Leave, he shouldn't have started a relationship with you whilst still not being over his ex. It is unfair on you and you will keep hanging around hoping he'll get over her. It is an unhealthy dynamic to start with in a relationship and would leave you exposed to him playing games with your affection. Leave and find someone else.

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/02/2020 14:56

It depends what you mean by “moving forward”. If you’re thinking next step is marriage after only 6mos together, I’d say you’re rushing even if he’d never been badly hurt in a toxic marriage before.

So what do you mean by “moving forward”? What commitment are you asking him to make?

poorbuthappy · 13/02/2020 14:57

My money's on you fixing him for some other woman in his future.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 13/02/2020 14:58

Hi - I don’t want to give you false hope but something similar happened to a friend of mine. Was all going well and then he said he wasn’t ready.
A few months later he called her and they have now been married for 10 years and have a child since it is not necessarily the end.
However if I were you I would break contact - perhaps remain fb friends or similar and try to move on.

CruCru · 13/02/2020 15:00

Run away. Realistically, if you were to stay together, you would be walking on eggshells - any disagreement would be you “hurting him” which is not allowed (by him). Tell him that you’ve had time to think and understand that he isn’t ready for a proper relationship with you so you are moving on and blocking him.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 13/02/2020 15:00

You walk away.

I am an emotionally unavailable person and I know I am. That's why I would not consider starting a relationship with someone at this point in my life. I would never ask someone to "wait" for me as it's unfair on the other person.

He is being selfish OP. He needs to sort himself out and stay single until he knows what he wants, not stringing someone along.

WombOfOnesOwn · 13/02/2020 15:01

Walk away, he's trying to set it up so that you're the one responsible if you say you want to stick around. A few months from now he'll stop talking to you and say "you knew I wasn't ready" and lay it all at your feet. And then, as PP have said, going and finding comfort with another woman once he's finished using you as a rebound.

Original poster

Floatinginthesky · 13/02/2020 15:01

By moving forward I meant him being ready to jump fully in and try instead of putting off normal relationship things like nights away. Nothing dramatic, no wedding bells, moving in etc.

OP posts:

Creweneck · 13/02/2020 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DCOkeford · 13/02/2020 15:06

Honestly, he's not that into you.

If you were 'The One' to him, all of this hand-wringing would instantly disappear.

It really shouldn't be this hard.

SmellyBeard · 13/02/2020 15:06

A friend of mine experienced this. She said okay and got on with her life. 8 months later he got back in touch and said he was ready if she was still open to it. She was and now they are married with a little boy and very happy.

Let him go - give him the space to get over whatever he needs to get over and he will find you again if he wants to be with you.

fiftygradesofhay · 13/02/2020 15:08

I think you really do need to walk away. If and when he is ready he will let you know. He needs space to deal with things right now. He won't be able to process while also seeing you anyway, and you won't know when and if the same problems will arise. If he is going to fall for you, it will happen while he is away from you too. Is what I think.

Original poster

Floatinginthesky · 13/02/2020 15:08

Creweneck, he is the one asking me not to walk away but to stay in his life while he heals enough to move forward. He’s the one who says he wants to be with me but his fears are stopping him. I haven’t accused him of not being in his right mind, I’m going purely off what he’s told me. I appreciate I must seem naive, I’m not but I’m so sad about walking away.

OP posts:

BlueJava · 13/02/2020 15:09

Leave. He's not that into you, sorry.

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