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AIBU?

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Original poster

He’s too frightened to let me in

176 replies

Floatinginthesky · 13/02/2020 14:41

What do you do when the man you have been in a relationship with for six months decides he’s not totally over the breakdown of his marriage. He was incredibly hurt and treated badly by her. He wants time to be ready to progress further and become less frightened of the risk of being hurt but genuinely seems to want to be with you long term. Do you stay friends in the hope he comes to his senses in time and moves forward in the way he insists he wants or do you walk away from him which would break your heart?

OP posts:
ABlackRussian · 13/02/2020 20:10

If he had told you this at the start, you would have fucked him off.

He waits until you're in love (he's not), and then drops bollock after bollock..

You will get nowhere with this man. Except if you think riding on an emotional rollercoaster is going places?

Fuck him off. Quickly.

MulticolourMophead · 13/02/2020 20:17

OP, I agree with those who say walk away, for all the same reasons.

This is going nowhere, and if he wanted to be with you, he would be. He's either wanting to keep you on the back burner in case he can't get back with his ex, or you are just the convenient shag right now until he meets someone he does want to be with.

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/02/2020 21:17

Since your update on what you meant by “next step”, I agree you are being friend zoned. So unless you want to be a FWB, it’s best to walk away.

nevernotstruggling · 13/02/2020 21:18
  • Honestly, he's not that into you.

If you were 'The One' to him, all of this hand-wringing would instantly disappear.

It really shouldn't be this hard.*

This!!!!

Chocpear · 13/02/2020 21:41

Walk away. If he genuinely is not ready then after time apart he will come and find you. However, the most probable is he doesn’t want a fully committed relationship with you, but happy to have the fun bits.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 13/02/2020 22:15

It is obvious in person how petrified he is of being hurt

Petrified?!

He sure has you exactly where he wants you, doesn't he?!

If he is genuinely that fragile he shouldn't be anywhere near a relationship yet. So if you really do want to help him you'll leave him to it.

My guess is you'll soon see him out and about with someone else, who he is either totally ready for, or who is being spun the same lines you are.

Anyone who is "petrified" of getting hurt, doesn't date. Did you stumble across him on the street one day and force him to go out with you?

SmileyClare · 13/02/2020 23:22

Anyone who is "petrified" of getting hurt, doesn't date I agree.

Moving forward according to Op is doing normal relationship things; going on dates and a night away has been proposed.
What on earth have you been doing for the last 6 months if he's suddenly terrified of a night away?

He's a messer, you deserve a proper relationship Op. Don't invest any longer. Flowers

CalleighDoodle · 13/02/2020 23:25

Run. Run fast. Run far.

OvalCanvas · 14/02/2020 05:13

@SmileyClare she's probably been listening to him moaning about his ex and providing him with sex.

NineSwans · 14/02/2020 05:26

Walk. Poor Ickle Diddums will just have to find someone else to hold his hand while he explores his commitment phobia.

The4thSandersonSister · 14/02/2020 05:33

Don't be the stepping stone to his next relationship. You do all the emotional heavy lifting and while he's getting himself together. If hes truly frightened than you will do more harm than good to both of you.

lyralalala · 14/02/2020 06:02

If he genuinely cared about you he wouldn’t expect you to hang about for him

The first time I met DH we dated for a couple of weeks and then he said he’d realised he was ready (he was widowed). He apologised profusely and basically insisted I get on with life and forget him as he had no idea when he would be ready as it had stirred up emotions he wasn’t expecting (paranoia that I’d get I’ll basically).

By sheer chance we bumped into each other around a year later.

You don’t ask someone you care about to put their life on hold for something you may never be able to give them. Or are not willing to give them.

lyralalala · 14/02/2020 06:03

*wasn't ready

KC225 · 14/02/2020 06:10

Agree with the above posters, he is moving you to the back burner. He will be using you as a sounding board for all his woes/ex wife rants whilst you hold on for that 'why Miss JONES, you're beautiful' moment. One day he will tell you about this fantastic new woman he's met and won't understand why you aren't happy for him.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 14/02/2020 06:20

I'd not want to wait around.....

I've seen too many of these relationships... Half in friend zone, half out... As he 'needs to heal'......

Then as soon as he's ready... Marries someone else! Seen it too many times...

Do you WANT to be his unpaid therapist??

PerkyPomPoms · 14/02/2020 06:22

Walk away, he’s lining you up for fwb

NearlyGranny · 14/02/2020 06:25

The consensus is that he's a player. It's a common line from the play book he's using. Tell him you aren't interested in putting your life on hold to be his 'therapy girlfriend' but he should seek professional help and pay for it.

Tell him you'll resume the search for someone who is at the same stage as you are yourself; ready to commit to the right person. Shame, because you thought he might be that person but he just has too much work to do and you can't commit to that if he can't commit to you!

TheNavigator · 14/02/2020 06:39

He is making the you a bit part player in the drama of his life. You deserve to be the leading lady - walk away.

Weffiepops · 14/02/2020 06:41

Cut your losses and walk away

LorenzoStDubois · 14/02/2020 06:43

Walk away.
He's not that into you.
He sounds like a second job or a project or something.
Waaaaaaaaay too much hard work.
I'd ditch him.

muddypuddles12 · 14/02/2020 06:47

OP, apologies if this comes across hard but you need a serious reality check.

This is a simple case of....drumroll please...

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

There's absolutely no use reading into how he's feeling, or what his issues are, or what he needs to overcome in order to "ready to progress further" (wtf?)

He simply just doesn't like you enough to bother making it more serious than it is, but he can tell that you're pretty invested so he's letting you down gently by saying that he's "not quite ready yet" which is Latin for "I'll never be ready because I just don't really like ya enough"

I've had this convo with my DH and his friends over the years and am yet to meet anyone who GENUINELY really liked someone but was willing to let them go because they "weren't ready for anything serious". It's just BS, if you like someone enough - there ain't no way you're letting them go. Even if you do have some things you need to work through, you work through them together with said partner instead of risking losing them.

damnthatanxiety · 14/02/2020 06:53

OP I hope you have heard everyone here. Walk away. He still exists. You still exist. If it is meant to be, he will find you. Please believe us when we say that if he really is in love with you, nothing would stop him. He's not ready. He doesn't live you enough. End of story.

frumpety · 14/02/2020 06:53

The no nights away thing sounds suspicious to me. Have you ever stayed over night at his place OP ?

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 14/02/2020 07:06

He might be scared of being hurt again many of us are

But that is his own stuff to get through no one is going to fix him

He is playing for time. I’ve used the line myself I’ve been happy I don’t really want to let go but know I shall when I feel time is right for me, and had it used on me it’s as old as she doesn’t understand stand me, it’s not you it’s me, I’m just confused and need time on my own and so on

Feelsdeadpeople · 14/02/2020 07:29

Odd.

I’d go for a night away with a platonic friend. Most people would. His reasoning makes no sense.

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