Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He’s too frightened to let me in

176 replies

Floatinginthesky · 13/02/2020 14:41

What do you do when the man you have been in a relationship with for six months decides he’s not totally over the breakdown of his marriage. He was incredibly hurt and treated badly by her. He wants time to be ready to progress further and become less frightened of the risk of being hurt but genuinely seems to want to be with you long term. Do you stay friends in the hope he comes to his senses in time and moves forward in the way he insists he wants or do you walk away from him which would break your heart?

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 13/02/2020 17:07

Has he told you what the terrible things his ex did to him were?

Standrewsschool · 13/02/2020 17:07

He’s not ready for a relationship. Full stop.

Maybe stay friends, but no more. Don’t wait for him, as he may never come back to you. Live your life.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 13/02/2020 17:10

Creweneck, he is the one asking me not to walk away but to stay in his life while he heals enough to move forward.

He doesn't get to decide that you wait around for him to decide when he's ready. How long ago did the marriage end? How long will it take him to be over it and ready to move on? (How long is a piece of string?)

He wants you to end it. He doesn't want a relationship with you. But he doesn't want to let you walk away for fear of not finding someone else.

You don't owe him infinite time. You have a right to decide. This thing of being "terrified" sounds very dramatic. He needs to be in counselling if it's true and he needs to not be in any relationship (or potential, waiting on the sidelines relationship) until he has sorted himself out. It's not fair on you, and having you there as a prop could indeed be hampering his recovery.

Early days of a relationship is supposed to be carefree and fun. If you start it off being someone's surrogate therapist that will become your role. And who will be there for you when you might need it? Not him.

MashedSpud · 13/02/2020 17:21

He’s being unreasonable.

You either end the relationship or carry on with it. You don’t ask someone to be in an emotional limbo while they get their shit together.

He shouldn’t have started dating if he wasn’t ready. He sounds too cowardly to end it so he’s slowly backing away.

Marlouse · 13/02/2020 17:21

To be honest, through the years I’ve seen some of my male friends pull this move. They all seemed to really feel like your boyfriend.

Every one of them had no problem At All to commit, settle down and become serious once they actually fell in love....

Nowayorhighway · 13/02/2020 17:22

Walk away.

Lweji · 13/02/2020 17:25

To be honest, through the years I’ve seen some of my male friends pull this move. They all seemed to really feel like your boyfriend.

Every one of them had no problem At All to commit, settle down and become serious once they actually fell in love....

Same here.

EagleVisionSquirrelWork · 13/02/2020 17:26

Honestly, he's not that into you.
If you were 'The One' to him, all of this hand-wringing would instantly disappear.
It really shouldn't be this hard.

x1000

Heismyopendoor · 13/02/2020 17:43

Run, don’t walk away.

Geneshish · 13/02/2020 17:48

How long has he been divorced? DH had been divorced for 6 years when we got together but we still had a very horrible false start when he just couldn't get his head into committing to me when he had been so badly hurt. I was in love with him by then so hung around as his friend for a very painful year. Luckily for me he did decide I was the one in the end but it doesn't always end like this.

He feels very bad about the way he hurt a couple of women he went out with in the first 3 years after the divorce because he really really wasnt ready at that stage. He needed time and a lot of it.

TooTrueToBeGood · 13/02/2020 17:52

Don't walk away, run like the fucking wind. At the very least he is emotionally unavailable to you. At worst, he will use his insecurity and fear of being hurt as an excuse to control you, restrict your social life and who you can interact act with, where you can go and what you can wear (not because he's a controlling abuser, they never are in their own eyes, but because poor little him has been mistreated by a previous partner).

WhenOneDoorClosesAnotherOpens · 13/02/2020 17:57

poorbuthappy Thu 13-Feb-20 14:57:24 My money's on you fixing him for some other woman in his future.

This.
He said he wasn't ready for a relationship, but if I would only give him time and 'help him heal'. I gave him space, showed him I was committed and would never cheat or leave him, he said he loved me, wanted to get married, we talked of starting a family and children's names and where we would live. Then one day he left suddenly in the middle of the night. He sent me a text that he 'wasn't ready'. Four months later he was married to someone else and 10 months after that she gave birth to their son.

My advice to you OP is to walk away and find someone who is ready to be in a relationship with you now. Stop wasting your time falling in love and trying to prove to someone who is expecting you to wait. If he's interested in you later he will get in touch.

Cheeseontoast4 · 13/02/2020 18:06

A lot of men are ready when they meet the right girl . They then do not risk losing her . I’m sorry OP but you are not his right girl . Gently walk away

LuluJakey1 · 13/02/2020 18:10

I have been in this situation twice. Both times I stayed and thought we would work through it and when he had 'healed' as you put it, we'd be together. Both of them said that was what they wanted, Both times that 'healing' turned out to involve the man 'healing' and finding someone else- or several someone elses in one case.
Don't stick around. Tell him he can get in touch when he is over it fully. You might still be single. Honestly, you will fix him for someone else. You don't need the trauma of him suffering his way through the aftermath of his ex-relationship. Let him get on with it. If he contacts you in a year's time great. If not it wasn't meant to be.

mathanxiety · 13/02/2020 18:13

Do you stay friends in the hope he comes to his senses in time and moves forward in the way he insists he wants?

No, you tell him it's been fun, and you care, but you hope he eventually gets to a place where he can be happy.

Then you stop trying to help him, and if this need is overwhelming then you get therapy for yourself.

I think somewhere in the back of your brain there are alarm bells ringing and you are right to be sitting up and listening. I agree with what everyone else on this thread has said about this man and what is going on here.

Draw a line under this and consider it a lucky escape.

NurseButtercup · 13/02/2020 18:28

he is the one asking me not to walk away but to stay in his life while he heals enough to move forward.

I suspect that you're going to struggle to walk away, which we all understand. So instead of walking away, stay friends with him but become a platonic friend. No more sex, hand-holding, cuddles & kissing. Put some boundaries in place to protect yourself.

Out of interest what is that feeling in your gut telling you to do?

daisychain01 · 13/02/2020 18:45

he is the one asking me not to walk away but to stay in his life while he heals enough to move forward

It's a head-fuck. All the tosh about being so hurt by a previous relationship malarkey. It's rot, believe me.

It really doesn't work like that. He won't wake up one bright sunny morning and go, yes I'm today going to be able to cope with life and I can magically turn on the tap of emotion to make things work with @Floatinginthesky

daisychain01 · 13/02/2020 18:48

I think he's been listening to Take That and thinks he's Gary Barlow Grin

LuluJakey1 · 13/02/2020 18:50

My advice would be not to remain friends. Platonic friendship when you have strong feelings for someone is not a good thing. You will be watching and hoping- then if he decides he likes another woman will feel dreadful. Let him get on with it and you get on with living your life and enjoying yourself.

Dontdisturbmenow · 13/02/2020 18:53

Creweneck, he is the one asking me not to walk away but to stay in his life while he heals enough to move forward
I'm so sorry OP, but think about it. If he still wants you in his life, what is it about his relationship with him that he doesn't want now?

What he is saying (and maybe not even realising himself) is that you are a great emotional support and he doesn't want to lose this part, ie. the friendship, but he isn't in love with you. He might think that if he takes some distance, he might start feeling stronger for you, but as many have said already, the most likely scenario is that he will fall head over hill for someone else and forget you exist because he won't need that emotional support any longer, he'll be happy.

However painful it is, you need to walk away, He either is happy with you and wants to deal with his emotional turmoil with you, or he isn't. 6 months is a long time to still be confused if you really love the person you're with.

zasknbg · 13/02/2020 18:53

I would move on personally. Despite being hurt, if really wanted to be with you, he would not risk you walking away over the first minor parts of commitment. It's not marriage/kids, it's a night away!

Noluck11 · 13/02/2020 19:07

Walk away

mathanxiety · 13/02/2020 19:19

Agree, LuluJakey.

It's hard to cut contact but peel that plaster off in one quick rip and ultimately you will feel much better than a long drawn out painful experience.

SmellyBeard · 13/02/2020 19:40

You're basically being friend zoned.

TinyGhostWriter · 13/02/2020 19:53
  • I think most women have met one of these types; too frightened to get serious/ been hurt in the past/a wounded soul/let's talk about me and my issues.. hmm

Sorry but it's a well worn way to excuse fucking about with no commitment or expectations*

This ^

If he’s not ready, he should be the one walk away. Why is he putting it back on you?

He wants to have his cake and eat it.