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Original poster

He’s too frightened to let me in

176 replies

Floatinginthesky · 13/02/2020 14:41

What do you do when the man you have been in a relationship with for six months decides he’s not totally over the breakdown of his marriage. He was incredibly hurt and treated badly by her. He wants time to be ready to progress further and become less frightened of the risk of being hurt but genuinely seems to want to be with you long term. Do you stay friends in the hope he comes to his senses in time and moves forward in the way he insists he wants or do you walk away from him which would break your heart?

OP posts:
SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 13/02/2020 16:21

OP, you don't want to hear this because you want him to feel the same about you as you do about him.

He doesn't.

He want's you to be there 'until he is ready'. You are meeting to talk about it? You're not his mum or his sister. He should be talking to them about how he handles moving forward with you. It shouldn't be you he is talking to!

If he can't get over her, he shouldn't be dating anyone and he can't keep a decent person on the sidelines waiting. He's being as cruel to you as he thinks his ex has been to him.

You should be in the throes of happiness and fun, love and passion. Not making someone feel better because they can't get over someone.

Walk away. At least for now. If you meet him to talk, tell him you are walking away until he realises his past relationship is over and YOU are important enough to him for him to think about you and him first.

1forAll74 · 13/02/2020 16:24

Just have a break.and stay friends if you can do so. But it will depend on the type of person you are.as in, can you wait for his issues to even out,or you can't be bothered with any more uncertainty from him. But it is quite early days in your relationship,and you did say that you both had feelings towards each other.

AlexaAmbidextra · 13/02/2020 16:24

My money's on you fixing him for some other woman in his future.

This. You’re his transitional woman. He’s using you to heal himself and will use you as a springboard to his bright new life. Once he’s healed he’ll be ready to roll ....... but not with you. Leave now before you waste any more time.

NearlyGranny · 13/02/2020 16:25

See how friendly he wants to be without the benefits. It sounds more like cake-and-eat-it to me. And if you're friends, you can confide in him about your other new dates. See how he likes them apples.

TheVanguardSix · 13/02/2020 16:26

I'd put money on the fact that whilst his deep unresolved feelings make it impossible for him to commit to you, they will be no barrier whatsoever to him still shagging you.... absolutely! And others.

I've seen this movie. It always ends in tears. Don't be his fool, OP. Walk on by, hard as that will be. Real love shows up ready. If he's not ready, it's not love, I'm sorry to say.

Twillow · 13/02/2020 16:27

The risk, I think, is to YOU more than to him. You could get very hurt by staying in his life waiting. But again, if you walk away, what message does that give him about you - are you then in the same category as the ex? It's a difficult one.

Twillow · 13/02/2020 16:29

So on balance (continuing from previous post) I would stay friends WITHOUT benefits. Let him decide if you're worth committing to without making it too easy for him to keep seeing you.

bengalcat · 13/02/2020 16:30

Sadly I'll echo what many of the others have said . Walk away . He needs time to heal or not / move on or not . After any breakdown most psychologist types will say it takes two years to reach a new equilibrium and as others have suggested there's a significant chance that while you support him through this he will be a different person and will associate you with his time of strife and move on .
By all means keep him as a friend but seek to find someone who is currently in a position for you .

Nanny0gg · 13/02/2020 16:30

Cake and eat it. (Him)

Walk away.

If you ever both in the same place you can try then.

FloraGreysteel · 13/02/2020 16:31

Leave. He's not ready for a relationship.

TheMustressMhor · 13/02/2020 16:33

Why don't you tell him that on reflection, you don't feel able to have a sexual relationship with a nab who isn't fully committed to you?

He'll make his mind up pretty quickly, I reckon.

TheMustressMhor · 13/02/2020 16:34

Nab?

Man. Grin

Upherefordancing · 13/02/2020 16:34

I'm wondering if, while he may well be into you, he wants to date other women before he commits long term.

If that's the case, leave him, tell him you'll stay friends but that you will date other people. I think you'll go up a lot in his estimation and you may get back together or you might just find a better partner.

If you hang around waiting though, I think he'll lose respect for you.

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 13/02/2020 16:37

Walk away.

You’re his rebound.

It doesn’t matter if he wants you in his life, he doesn’t get to choose that.

Lochlorien · 13/02/2020 16:39

Do you really want to be with this man or do you just want a relationship? He is what I call 'high maintenance', a drainer and he will drag you down. Walk away whilst you can!

SmileyClare · 13/02/2020 16:40

Agree with others- he wants a friend with benefits but dressed up in more palatable psycho babble.

He can't "commit" to a night away? Confused What does this mean? It's hardly asking much. Do you think he still lives with his wife?

Upherefordancing · 13/02/2020 16:40

If you were the one, he would not be discovering after 6 months of being in a relationship that he is actually not ready for a relationship.

This, sadly.

heath48 · 13/02/2020 16:42

Walk away.

PersephoneandHades · 13/02/2020 16:44

Leave, it' best for both of you.

And he is trying it on by being with you for 6 months then saying he's not ready but still wants you to stick around and pine for him and wait until he potentially feels ready at an unspecified future date? If he cared about you he would never ask that of you.

DianaT1969 · 13/02/2020 16:52

If you were a 30 year old lingerie model I suspect he'd be perfectly capable and excited about jumping into a full relationship and 'taking the next step'. Cynical old me, but I'm afraid you'll waste valuable time hanging around for a man who'll never commit to you if you accept this.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 13/02/2020 16:55

He isn't scared at all, he just wants you to work harder.

KatherineJaneway · 13/02/2020 16:57

Creweneck, he is the one asking me not to walk away but to stay in his life while he heals enough to move forward.

He can't ask you to put your life on hold while he 'heals' which is essentially what he is doing . You have no idea how long this 'healing' will take it that he'd definitely want to pick back up with you at a later date.

Walk away, date other people. If your both single once he's out the other end then fair enough but don't stop your life for him.

Dontdisturbmenow · 13/02/2020 16:58

Oh yes, I had one of these. Couldn't continue with me because he was over his ex who was in a new relationship, then expected me to still be there for him and listen to his woes. He kindly told me he didn't 3snt to use by continuing the relationship. What a favour!

I told him to get lost and as expected, he was announcing his new committed relationship only months later. He just didn't want to be with me which was fine as I ended up meeting someone much much more loveable than him, I just didn't know it at the time!

CauliflowerBalti · 13/02/2020 17:02

Walk away. He wants to put you in a holding pattern until he's ready - this might be legitimate, or he might be being a dick. You can't know. You can hope and want and believe that he is sincere - and I'm not saying he isn't - but you don't know.

You don't know how long it will take for him to reach a point of readiness. You don't even know if he will.

Your future is worth more than hanging on and being a bit part actor in someone else's drama. Walk away, and mean it. That's the only way you'll definitely come out of this happy. Because he might follow you - win - or you might free your head and heart to meet someone in the same place as you - win.

I speak from experience. It was SO SO hard. I walked away and it killed me. It still does, a bit. But I met someone amazing, in the same place as me, ready for me - while my ex is still swimming around in a puddle of fear, staring at his navel. He'll never be happy, I don't think - and I'm glad he isn't dragging me down and wasting my life with him.

You're worth more.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 13/02/2020 17:03

Either he really is struggling to come to terms with his break up and isn't ready for commitment (not sure why you would want to be with someone who feels like that), or he is dangling carrots for you, making sure you know he doesn't want to be serious, but at the same time keeping you hanging around to be a fwb, so he gets to be free and single while having someone there when he wants them.
Either way, don't hang around, it's pointless. If he really wanted to be with yiu, he would be.