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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He’s too frightened to let me in

176 replies

Floatinginthesky · 13/02/2020 14:41

What do you do when the man you have been in a relationship with for six months decides he’s not totally over the breakdown of his marriage. He was incredibly hurt and treated badly by her. He wants time to be ready to progress further and become less frightened of the risk of being hurt but genuinely seems to want to be with you long term. Do you stay friends in the hope he comes to his senses in time and moves forward in the way he insists he wants or do you walk away from him which would break your heart?

OP posts:
GoatCheeseTart · 14/02/2020 07:39

I've told some men I have dated that I was not ready for a relationship after all, and/or was not totally over an ex yet.

All lies. I just was not interested enough.

londonrach · 14/02/2020 07:41

Walk away!!

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 14/02/2020 07:58

Tell him you'll resume the search for someone who is at the same stage as you are yourself; ready to commit to the right person. Shame, because you thought he might be that person but he just has too much work to do and you can't commit to that if he can't commit to you

Do not say any of this! It's too longwinded and gives him the opportunity to convince you that he will do everything to "be better". If you make it about him in any way shape or form he will happily continue to make it about him and come up with all manner of reasons why you need to trust him and just be patient.

Make it about YOU. This relationship isn't working FOR YOU. He will most likely turn it around to say he was right not to get in too deep because he knew you'd walk away like his ex did (Hmm). But it's emotional manipulation designed to make you feel guilty and do what he wants.

You're not happy here. So tell him it's not working and walk away. No need for explanation and reasons.

Noluck11 · 14/02/2020 08:05

I hope you get shot of the person op , he’s a waste of time / space .

UnaCorda · 14/02/2020 08:35

I think Hammer has hit the nail on the head.

Puddleshook · 14/02/2020 08:43
  1. He's probably still with his wife in some capacity. He's not sure it's going to work out so he's keeping you hanging on, but the whole thing is making him feel guilty, hence all the hand wringing - trust me I've been here and I couldn't see it until it was too late
  2. If he says he doesn't want a relationship say "OK then, bye!" and block all means of communication. You don't need any type of closure. Even if it hurts you like mad, just say ok then and cut the bastard off. Doesn't matter if he wants to be friends. And aside from this being the very best thing for you and your well being, IF there was going to ever be something to make him put both feet squarely in with you, THIS is the only thing that would make him do it. Not that I want him to nor do i think you should want him when he eventually crawls back, but if the thought that you're Im control helps you get past it then that's alright.
ShowOfHands · 14/02/2020 09:03

I know so many men and women who have hung around waiting for a "too scared/too burned/I'm just not ready" partner. Without fail, the reluctant partner healed just in time to happily commit. To. Somebody. Else.

I'm scared to let you in = I'm not that into you but have a convenient way of getting you to hang around without expectation.

Zaphodsotherhead · 14/02/2020 09:10

I agree with a pp. I've been on overnights with everyone from siblings to work mates; it hasn't been taken as a declaration of undying affection and the desire to 'move the relationship forward'. It's just been a pleasant weekend away, spreading the costs.

So if he's feeding you the line that he can't go away with you because of a past relationship, then I'm afraid it's just that - a line.

Jimdandy · 14/02/2020 09:11

@Blackandgreenteas I agree.

I bet if you stay friends he will start dating other people whilst trying to leave you on a string.

JillAmanda · 14/02/2020 09:12

He’s hedging his bets.

If a man wants to be with you he’ll commit. All this “scared of being hurt again” nonsense is a handy excuse.

Brown76 · 14/02/2020 09:21

Continue seeing him if you want but stop sleeping with him. Date other people in the meantime. You owe him nothing.

Creweneck · 14/02/2020 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

muddypuddles12 · 14/02/2020 14:03

OP didn't get the answers she was looking for so had bogged off

Original poster
Floatinginthesky · 14/02/2020 14:15

No, I haven't disappeared. I cancelled meeting as I could think straight and have rescheduled it for Monday. I am taking seriously everything that has been said. I know it has to be all in or all out, no half measures. I feel ill at the thought I have to walk away for good.

OP posts:
NineSwans · 14/02/2020 15:53

I feel ill at the thought I have to walk away for good.

What about the thought that in ten years' time, you've wasted a decade on a man who's still refusing to go away for the weekend, saying 'Ooh, I dunno' and 'I'm scared to commit', and making your life all about what he's not prepared to do?

ChicCroissant · 14/02/2020 16:04

I feel ill at the thought I have to walk away for good.

That's a bit dramatic, do you like the idea of 'saving' someone? Because as plenty of other PP suggested, if you stop having sex with him I strongly suspect he'll find he's OK with other women.

You don't need to see him again, this isn't going anywhere. He's not even half-in now, so what do you think a talk over lunch will do? Are you sure he is separated, have you met any of his friends or family?

Moomin12345 · 14/02/2020 16:06

He's just not that into you. Don't buy that "scared" nonsense. Biscuit

Creweneck · 14/02/2020 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meaniebobeanie · 14/02/2020 16:17

Then why is he dating? He is not ready to move on then he is using you as a crutch. You date when you are ready to start again. Clearly not ready. User.

YasssKween · 14/02/2020 16:34

He is either not doesn't want to be in a relationship enough to be in one or doesn't want to be in a relationship with you enough to be in one.

Either way it isn't working. Trust me my love, if he loves you he'll come back.

Otherwise he will do the cliche - use you to get through a tough time and feel confident again then either decide he wants to spread his wings and enjoy being single or meet "the one" and suddenly be settled down and loved up with someone else within a year.

Don't be a mug.

makingmammaries · 16/02/2020 07:38

He’s trying to organize things so that he constantly gets to have his cake and eat it, OP. All of your commitment and none of his. I wonder if that is how he was with his “toxic” ex? Don’t settle for less than an equal partnership.

yellowkangaroo · 16/02/2020 08:05

You know, you don't even need to see him if you find that overwhelming. Send him a nice note, saying you've had a good think, listened to him when he said he's not ready to commit, it's not working for you, you've decided to call it a day, thanks for the good times etc. I agree with everyone else here, he's stringing you along. He will never commit, he may eventually make some commitment reluctantly while all the while you are treading water.

KatharinaRosalie · 16/02/2020 08:44

But what do you want, OP? Sounds like you want a relationship - weekends away, wedding and that kind of stuff? He doesn't, not with you. Like a pp asked, what will it feel like if you have been in this half-relationship for 10 years, and he is still not ready for a commitment? and then marries his next girlfriend after 3 weeks of dating

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 16/02/2020 09:28

Thing is, his fear of being hurt means that he is behaving hurtfully towards you. It's seductive to believe that if only he could get over this powerful thing, he could be with you wholeheartedly, but in the meantime you are living on scraps. It's not good for you - it teaches you to wait and wait for what you want and need, which always leaves you frustrated and, frankly, lonely within the relationship that is meant to nurture and sustain you.

PrinnyPree · 16/02/2020 09:46

The "I just need some time wait for me stuff" is a bunch of BS after a 6 month relationship, it sounds like he's persuing other relationship avenues (either with the ex or someone else) that might not work out so wants a relationship safety net in place. X

It sounds like he's hedging his bets with you, put him in the bin. Sorry OP xxx

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