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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He’s too frightened to let me in

176 replies

Floatinginthesky · 13/02/2020 14:41

What do you do when the man you have been in a relationship with for six months decides he’s not totally over the breakdown of his marriage. He was incredibly hurt and treated badly by her. He wants time to be ready to progress further and become less frightened of the risk of being hurt but genuinely seems to want to be with you long term. Do you stay friends in the hope he comes to his senses in time and moves forward in the way he insists he wants or do you walk away from him which would break your heart?

OP posts:

edwinbear · 13/02/2020 15:40

He's a player OP - call his bluff and walk away.

BoreOfWhabylon · 13/02/2020 15:40

I'd put money on the fact that whilst his deep unresolved feelings make it impossible for him to commit to you, they will be no barrier whatsoever to him still shagging you.

This.

Walk away.

Bluerussian · 13/02/2020 15:41

Try to cool it a bit, op, don't be so eager so see the man. Get on with your life and be determined to enjoy it, meet up with friends etc.

Nobody can tell how this will pan out but you cannot put your life on hold for him. He appears to be putting his own life on hold while he sorts his head out but that's up to him.

Take care of yourself

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 13/02/2020 15:42

You are plan B being kept on the back burner just in case nothing better comes along.

Up to you whether you are happy to stay simmering away in your pot but there is also the chance that whilst you are on the back burner he moves forward with someone completely new.

Fluffycloudland77 · 13/02/2020 15:43

He’s keeping you on the back burner until something better comes along and conditioning you to do what he wants.

When it’s real for both of you it’s so easy.

OhLook · 13/02/2020 15:43

It does really sound that he wants you around for company and presumably sex while he gets over his wife, but can't actually be bothered to do things with you.

Going for a night away isn't any kind of big step is it? It's just spending time together away from home?

Zaphodsotherhead · 13/02/2020 15:44

But what if he 'heals' with your assistance as a 'friend' - and then decides that he's off into the sunset with the blonde assistant from Boots?

You might help him only for him to realise that you are better friendship material than partner material.

Jux · 13/02/2020 15:44

Why don't you move on with your life without him for a while? Give him time to sort himself out and come back to you when he is ready? Of course, you might have moved on and found someone else by then, but he has to take that risk.

You could take all the risk on yourself by waiting. Eternal waiting, imo. That's your risk. Will he ever sort himself out and if he does will he want you then? It's pretty likely that when he's sorted himself out he'll be different and want someone else, leaving you as you are now, just waiting and being patient and kind.

Think of yourself. Don't take his risk away from him, it's the only thing which will motivate him to do anything. Let him take the risk of losing you. Let him do whatever he does about this situation without your involvement; it's not your problem, it really isn't and you're not qualified to help him.

Move on with your own life. You may find that in a few years' time he's sorted and still wants you and you still want him. Or not.

kerryleigh · 13/02/2020 15:46

He shouldn't have started dating, I would walk. Waste of time

Rockingham1 · 13/02/2020 15:50

Walk away and if something happens in the future then fine, let him contact you, but don’t hang around waiting and hoping

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 13/02/2020 15:50

Totally agree with pp that he's setting things up so that he can fall back on his "fear of being hurt" in the future. Every disagreement you have will be framed as you "hurting" him, probably with a side order of "how could you do this when you knew how long it took me to heal and trust again after my CrazyExWife(tm)". Every step forwards you want to take will involve yet more handwringing about unresolved feelings of fear (especially if you talk marriage one day). Guaranteed you'll be back here in a few years saying "he promises that he does want to marry me someday, it's just that he was sooooo huuuurt by his first wife yadayada". Don't fall for it OP.

KatharinaRosalie · 13/02/2020 15:51

Ah, one of those. So he wants to keep you around for sex and shoulder to cry on, while he's waiting for something better to come along. Walk away. Don't be his option. As a PP said, if you were the one, he would not be discovering after 6 months of being in a relationship that he is actually not ready for a relationship.

YasssKween · 13/02/2020 15:53

Walk away.

Either the space will allow him to get his head clear and he'll want to try again with you.

Or the space will allow him to get his head clear and he'll come to the conclusion that he doesn't want a relationship with you.

Or he'll use you as an emotional crutch (whether on purpose or by circumstance) during his healing period then when he's over his ex, he'll leave you too.

You can't healthily support a new partner through the process of them getting over their most recent relationship.

It's unfair on you and doesn't allow him the headspace to actually process his own feelings.

Don't spend months waiting to see if he changes his mind while you watch him struggling.

Definitely walk. He can always get in touch when he feels more stable and see what your situation is then.

CaMePlaitPas · 13/02/2020 15:54

Don't waste your time waiting for someone to be mentally "ready" to be in a relationship. He's not that into you move on.

Lweji · 13/02/2020 15:57

This reminds me of an episode of How I Met Your Mother that I watched the other day.

He doesn't seem to want to be with you right now. Meaning he keeps you hooked with the vague promise of a relationship, thus boosting his ego, and having you on call when he wants company, or whatever, but not really committing to you.

Just walk.

Wheresthebeach · 13/02/2020 16:02

He's using you as a crutch.

Walk away.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 13/02/2020 16:05

He is asking for your total commitment to wait for him while he faces his fears, without his commitment in return. If he really does want to face his fears, perhaps what he needs to face is being fully alone for a while, instead of asking someone to handle his aloneness for him.

Please, don't put your life on hold. Live it. That's what he needs most (whether he takes it or not): a woman who isn't there to rescue him, which is just the other side of the coin from a woman who can, apparently, destroy his faith in relationships.

LaBelleSauvage · 13/02/2020 16:05

Walk away

BaolFan · 13/02/2020 16:06

Reminds me of a conversation I overhead a few years ago when I was having lunch in Wagamama - on one of the long benches. I was on my own and sitting next to a couple in their early 20s. Her - very pretty and really trying to stay cool whilst obviously quite upset. Him - smug looking hipster twat and up himself.

The gist of the conversation was him telling her that he thought that he and his karma(?!) were too damaged for a relationship and that commitment was something he couldn't deal with, and that he needed time to heal.

Turns out they'd been dating for a year and she wanted to introduce him to her parents. His closing statement was that he cared about her and that their sex life was fantastic so they should be careful not to throw that away! How on earth she didn't throw something at him is beyond me. Didn't find out how it ended because I had to leave. I like to think she found her backbone and told him and his damaged karma to sod off.

LightDrizzle · 13/02/2020 16:06

I agree wholeheartedly with both ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings posts.
Be wary that some people use their “terrible” exes to seek permission to basically be a crap partner, and also to groom your behaviour, eg. ex was all about the money and materialistic - new woman falls over herself to pay at least 50% every outing, buys expensive gifts despite receiving cheap chocolates if lucky, and delays asking for contributions when the wounded one moves into her house without mentioning it himself; ex was “controlling” - new woman feigns insouciance every time the wounded one goes AWOL with no phone contact for a day despite saying they’d be round straight after work to do out...
Let him crack on healing himself. You are not a dose of medicine. You can always check in on him in a year to see if he’s less self obsessed.

CatonNZ · 13/02/2020 16:07

*He's perhaps not meaning to be, but he's being manipulative and unfair to you.
He shouldn't have got into a relationship before he was over his ex.

Let him go, out of kindness for him and for you*

This^^^^^^^^^^^^

I think you are the 'rebound' relationship and that never bodes well.

He should see a therapist and do the work required to sort himself out and heal.

I would have lunch - think about sharing the above - and terminate the relationship - yes it hurts...but it will hurt less than what you are setting yourself up for.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/02/2020 16:09

He's taking the piss.. don't be a mug... walk away..

Bagofoldbones · 13/02/2020 16:13

He shouldn’t have got in to a relationship with you then. What a waste of your time and emotions.

Let me guess you met him on line dating ?

Pumpkinpie1 · 13/02/2020 16:14

Walk away

SmileyClare · 13/02/2020 16:15

I think most women have met one of these types; too frightened to get serious/ been hurt in the past/a wounded soul/let's talk about me and my issues..

Sorry but it's a well worn way to excuse fucking about with no commitment or expectations.

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