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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He’s too frightened to let me in

176 replies

Floatinginthesky · 13/02/2020 14:41

What do you do when the man you have been in a relationship with for six months decides he’s not totally over the breakdown of his marriage. He was incredibly hurt and treated badly by her. He wants time to be ready to progress further and become less frightened of the risk of being hurt but genuinely seems to want to be with you long term. Do you stay friends in the hope he comes to his senses in time and moves forward in the way he insists he wants or do you walk away from him which would break your heart?

OP posts:
Creweneck · 13/02/2020 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElbasAbsentPenis · 13/02/2020 15:13

If he can’t even do a night away, I think he’s either got an anxiety problem (which may not be situational; it may be part of his temperament, so think about whether you can deal with that and the endless dithering / not being ready for things it may entail) or he is not that into you, I’m afraid.

If I were you I’d your losses and move on.

Ellisandra · 13/02/2020 15:14

Well he’s a bit of shit really, isn’t he?
When I split up with my not very nice XH, and wasn’t ready to date yet, guess what? I didn’t date. Then when I was ready, I did.

He’s behaved badly to to start something with you when he is “too frightened to let you in” and yeah, my eyes are rolling hard as to whether that’s just convenient bullshit.

So what is he ACTUALLY doing to move forward? If it’s nothing, then just walk away for good. If he is actually doing something, like counselling, then wish him well and tell him to contact you when he’s ready to date properly.

MzHz · 13/02/2020 15:16

He has to learn that he has to heal himself and if you allow this, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of putting up with his bullshit rather than him actually dealing with it in the first place

“I’ve got loads of friends, don’t need any more. If you’re able to have a proper relationship with me, fabulous, if not, that’s a pity, but I wish you all the best in the future”

billy1966 · 13/02/2020 15:16

Trying to fix someone to have a relationship with is a shit way to start a relationship.

You are always on the back foot.

Leave him to fix himself.

In the meantime, find someone who deserves you....and move on.

He's too much work.

aroundtheworldyet · 13/02/2020 15:17

You need to walk away and mean it.
Because if you don’t you end up in some kind of limbo land. And you’re basically saying to him you’re happy to take what ever he will dish out.
If he wants to come back to you when he’s ready, then that’s a risk he’s going to have to take.

MzHz · 13/02/2020 15:18

I did a fair bit of OLD over 5 years. This was the lesson I learned over and over, don’t put up with being under valued. Ever.

Be polite, be firm and follow through with the goodbye.

LonginesPrime · 13/02/2020 15:18

He’s the one who says he wants to be with me but his fears are stopping him

Well that sounds bloody selfish, doesn't it?

It sounds like he's taking advantage of your sympathy to keep you on the back burner while he explores other options, tbh.

I'd put money on his being happily shacked up with someone else in the very near future.

Don't demean yourself, OP - have some self-respect and don't fall for that crap.

74NewStreet · 13/02/2020 15:19

He wants to be with you but his fears are stopping him is such ridiculous bullshit I don’t know where to begin... 🤦‍♀️
He’s still hung up on his ex; probably hasn’t totally ruled out the possibility of a reconciliation. If he wanted you that badly there’d be nothing to fear.

Mulhollandmagoo · 13/02/2020 15:19

I think you're putting yourself at risk big time by continuing this, it feels to me like he's after a convenient way to get out quick whenever he needs to which leave you reeling!!! Plus you'll be exhausted constantly dancing to the tune of his moods, so probably never fully happy anyway! In your position I'd walk away from him while he gets himself straight, you both deserve that, and if, when he is ready himself he comes back to you then it was meant to be Flowers

timetest · 13/02/2020 15:21

Walk away.

ScreamingLadySutch · 13/02/2020 15:22

When someone is telling you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.

So: he is quite happy for your attention and sex ...

whilst he is processing his grief for his wife????

Grief for your lost relationship and processing what it meant, where you went wrong, how you could have done better is completely normal and healthy ...

THAT YOU DO ON YOUR OWN. Aka BEING SINGLE.

Then, you emerge as a better human being with a more mature attitude to relationships.

You do not anaesthetise yourself with a fresh new pussy and feel good attention of someone you have no intention of engaging with authentically. That is known as Using People.

It astonishes me how women (including myself) DO NOT ABSORB the information they are being given.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 13/02/2020 15:22

@74NewStreet I thought this. The cynic in me says that he wants to try to get back with his ex, but wants to keep OP on the back burner in case it doesn't work out.

OvalCanvas · 13/02/2020 15:23

Even if he is being incompletely genuine he's not thinking about your feelings at all is he? He wants you to continue seeing him (I read this as having sex with him) on the off-chance that he can commit to you , in the meantime you grow more attached and at risk of being hurt and wasting your precious time.

I've been around the block too many times to even consider his actions as reasonable and considerate.

Please walk away.

ScarlettBlaize · 13/02/2020 15:24

What a self indulgent wanker he is. You are extremely naive to give this the time of day.

LellyMcKelly · 13/02/2020 15:29

If he really wanted to be with you he wouldn’t be spouting you all these lines. He’s setting you up so you’ll put up with him treating you badly.

BMW6 · 13/02/2020 15:30

Walk away OP, he's not ready for a relationship and it would be unfair on you to hang around hoping.

Go your separate ways, perhaps in future he will be it touch and ready to progress, but no way should you be waiting for him. Que sera sera and all that.

ChicCroissant · 13/02/2020 15:31

Run, don't walk would be my advice OP.

If he's not ready for a relationship then he shouldn't have one, I've no problem with that part. Sensible to spend some time on your own.

It's the bit where you are expected to put your own life on hold whilst waiting eagerly for a word from him to signal he's ready. Nope.

In what way is he expecting his feelings for you to change in the future that will make him ready for a relationship then, that he doesn't feel now? Cut the drama, and don't meet him for lunch tomorrow.

bibliomania · 13/02/2020 15:31

I'd be pretty cynical about this. He's giving himself the perfect get out clause for anything he does - "But I just wasn't ready for the commitment!"

In asking you to wait, he hasn't the slightest hesitation in prioritising his wants/needs over yours. It would be perfectly legitimate for him to break up with you on the basis that he's not ready - I'm not saying he has to do what you want him to. Let him go. If he heals and wants to come after you in 6 months, fine, but he can't keep you on tap. A relationship won't work where all the commitment is on your side and none on his.

PurpleFlower1983 · 13/02/2020 15:34

Walk away. When I met my husband he was still getting over how his ex wife cheated on him/hurt him etc. 3 months in I told him If he wanted to move forward with me he needed to put it behind him as we were the future and I didn’t want to be with someone dwelling on the past. It was basically an ultimatum. It worked in my favour and we’re happily married with a child now but if he had carried on using me as a councillor I would have walked away no question.

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 13/02/2020 15:34

I'd wait.

SmellyBeard · 13/02/2020 15:38

Okay so taking his words at face value - what's he actively doing in order to help him heal? Counselling?

Justanothernameonthepage · 13/02/2020 15:39

Walk away. Let him have the time/space/energy to conquer his fears or decide he actually actively wants you enough to get through them.
Value yourself more. He's allowed to want everything on his terms, but the fact he's expecting you to accept that suggests he's not really ready to be in a relationship. You deserve more than being a place filler until he decides what he actually is willing to do.
It might end up being enough to make him want to make an effort to keep you. You might meet someone great and be glad you're not just hanging on to someone who treats you like that.

BaolFan · 13/02/2020 15:39

He is the one asking me not to walk away but to stay in his life while he heals enough to move forward.

You've said yourself you aren't talking moving in or wedding bells - just going away for a night or two together!

He’s the one who says he wants to be with me but his fears are stopping him.

He is ALREADY with you - you're already dating. He sounds very dramatic.

TBH I'd bin him. 6 months in and he's given you the don't walk away I am truly worth fixing speech. Which actually translates to please stay around and be a convenient shag whilst I use fear of getting hurt as an excuse not to do anything even slightly serious.

Relationships are supposed to be fun and add to your life. He's a bloke not a house renovation - it's not your job to 'fix' him. If he is truly so scarred by his previous relationship then he needs to stop dating and be on his own for a period whilst he has counselling to work on his issues.

Natsel84 · 13/02/2020 15:40

I would walk away for now. Hes not ready and it's not fair on either of you .

This happened to me . I really liked someone and he said he wasnt ready for a new relationship due to the breakdown of his marriage .I was ok with that. He moved on so did I.
Although we never lost contact . Very sporadic messages how are you etc we did keep in contact. One day when the time was right we met up ( both single ) for a drink and that was that ... 8 years later we are still together and have been married just over 2 years.

Love will always find a way . If it's meant to be it will happen x

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