To not let DD (age 11) go to sleepover when I've never met the girl inviting her or her family before?

[basilbrush]

DD (Year 7, age 11) has been invited to birthday sleepover. I have never met the girl who's invited her. I've said that as I don't know the family at all, she can go for the afternoon and evening celebrations but she can't stay over (this time).

I think it's reasonable to what to know people at least a little bit before you let your child spend the night in a stranger's house. And that this is a useful precedent to set as she becomes older.

Unsurprisingly, DD is rather unimpressed with this view and DH also says I need to 'take a chill pill'. AIBU? WWYD?

I think it's completely normal once they go to secondary not to know kids / parents. My dds friends live in different villages to us so the only time they see each other out of school is at organised events and sleepovers. There is usually a few going together (do you know any of the other girls going?). At some point you need to let her go or you will still be asking to meet parents when she is 16!! 11 is as good an age as any.

I would let her go but take her and go to the door with her and then you can have a quick 5 minutes with mum or dad and hand over your phone number etc..

I’ve read a few threads on here ,where during a sleepover the hosting parents have removed all the children’s phones.
If you have an anxious child ,who can’t then ring to come home ,that’s not good.
My dc are just adults early 20s ,so not that old ,but none of them went to sleepovers ,or asked to have sleepovers .perhaps it’s a new thing .or we are just not with it 😆

As a teen i stayed at a friends house, my dad picked me up the next day and her mum answered the door. She had a black and swollen wye as the step father had beaten her badly that night. It was the single most scary thing to listen to. I hid in the bunk bed and spent the night shaking with my friend and her sister. I was 13. My friend said to me dont worry he will stop soon. It went on for hours. I felt so scared and so sorry for my friend and her siblings, they lived this every weekend when he got home from the pub. I never went back to stay

Even though this happend my parents still let me stay at other friends homes and now as a mum i let my secondary level dc stay at their friends homes.

We are lucky in this day and age as most teens have smart phones and can phone their parents if something scary or dangerous occurs. I also registered my dcs phones with the emergancy police texting service and what 3 words app. We also have a code sos for texting quickly if they need me to get them in an emergancy.

Here in Australia it's usual for the parents of kids you don't know to come in, say hi...have a little chat before leaving their kids with you. At least that's what I've found with DD aged 15 now...some of her mates don't attend the same school as she does so I wouldn't even meet them at events or school meetings.

Nobody's weird about it...we all just say hi and laugh about how awkward it all is having teens.

She is not a teenager. She is 11. A couple of years, even one year, makes a huge difference at this stage.

I would invite this girl to your house to hang out and suss our the parent when she is collected.,

My DC's friends parents don't come to the house; they pull up outside and text their DC that they are there.
Or the children make their own way home.
Another difference between primary and secondary school.

Basil But that's what's been going on for us since both DD's were 11.

That's what I'm saying...wording it badly.

Exactly OP When she's a teenager, she'll be at peak risk of sexual assault from predatory boys and men. She's going to be more at risk, not less. This is actually a safer time for her to socialize with friends overnight.

Agree, that was a big drip feed from OP about her ds's anxiety. She has apologised. But the thread would have been totally different and she'd have been given totally different advice is she'd stated that in her OP.

Moving on ....

Sometimes I forget that such a large % of MN posters come from dysfunctional families/have been abused/high levels of anxiety. Compared to the % of parents in RL.

Trying to encourage over-cautious/ over-anxious parents to lighten up, for the good of their children, so that don't end up actually damaging their children, is normally pointless.

This thread reminds us all of the extremes of the spectrum.

I have a dd who's 16 now but she's asked me on a few occasions to pretend that she's not allowed to do something so that she doesn't lose face. She was invited to a sleepover tonight but isn't really in the mood for it so asked me to text her a fake "Sorry you can't go to the sleepover tonight" text to show her friend.

I'd let her stay over. Secondary school age is different. It's like people who get in a flap about them going to school on their own. DD has a 15 minute walk, shorter than the walk to primary that she'd done for 2 years.

@oblomov How desmissive! I think the real problem is the ignorance of people like you, not those of us who choose to protect our children because we know better. I'd suggest you read up on some actual RL statistics, but I can already tell you are too ignorant! Pray to God its not your child hey!

For those of you are aren't so head in the sand - the most recent statistics show 7.5% (3.1 MILLION people) of adults aged 18-74 experienced sexual abuse before the age of 16.
In the year ending March 2019, England and Wales police registered over 73,000 victims of child sexual abuse.

And what proportion of those cases were relating to abuse from strangers PieAndPumkins?

Statistically a child is at more danger from an adult they know.

@redskyatnight 37% friend or acquaintance, 30% stranger

And wouldn't "friend's dad/brother" likely count as an acquaintance?

Pie, I'm well aware of sexual abuse statistics thank you!

My dd is having a sleepover this weekend for her 11th. She’s been throughout school with all of the girls but I don’t know the mums.

Everyone is still coming, the parents are welcome to stay for a cuppa and cake first and obviously if no one is comfortable then that’s fine too. Could your dd stay for a few hours but not sleepover?

With my 13yo I always make sure dh at least says hello to the parents and check it’s ok first. Once they’re at high school things change a lot, they have phones to call home too. My 11yo I couldn’t let her stay anywhere without knowing the parents very well first, but that’s because she has additional needs, not because of her age.

I've had more teenagers through my house since my boys started high school than the local McDonald's! Sometimes we have 7/8 boys/girls here for 2-3 nights in a row. I have never seen more than a glimpse of a parent or had one on the phone.

Given that she has been worried in the past with sleepovers and now wants to go ,it makes me think that you should allow her to stay!! You are not helping her confidence by undermining her judgement!!

theres also the other side

what if a child sleeping over at yours makes an allegation.....about your partner/husband/son/sons friend/tradesman working in your home/family member/you??

I have memories of a friends dad giving all of us kids piggy backs but her did it in such a way that her was touching inappropriately. we all slept over regularly (i was friends with eldest but there were 2 younger siblings with a constant stream of friends staying)

Year 7’s at our school go on camp in week 2 of a new school year, it’s done early as a “getting to know everyone/bonding” sort of exercise

Not even remotely comparable . Trip will have been risk assessed and vetted

If you don’t know the family , sexual abuse aside , risks include

Substance abuse exposure
Exposure to inappropriate behaviour
Expose to inappropriate content
Exposure to abusive behaviour from other guests
Kids getting shouted at
Unfamiliar environment

YANBU. 11 is still young - just because she has been in secondary for a term doesn't make it any different. So she can't go overnight (this time)...at some stage soon you'll have to relent but I think at 11 if something makes you feel uncomfortable as a parent then go with your gut. Good luck!