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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD (age 11) go to sleepover when I've never met the girl inviting her or her family before?

172 replies

basilbrush · 13/02/2020 07:48

DD (Year 7, age 11) has been invited to birthday sleepover. I have never met the girl who's invited her. I've said that as I don't know the family at all, she can go for the afternoon and evening celebrations but she can't stay over (this time).

I think it's reasonable to what to know people at least a little bit before you let your child spend the night in a stranger's house. And that this is a useful precedent to set as she becomes older.

Unsurprisingly, DD is rather unimpressed with this view and DH also says I need to 'take a chill pill'. AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
Medievalist · 13/02/2020 10:17

f you walk in and the house smells of weed, or there's a half drunk bottle of vodka on the coffee table with no glass or lid, you're probably not going to let your child stay.

True. And the nice middle class, well dressed, articulate mum who welcomes you to her house is absolutely not going to down a bottle of red or pop a few pills while she's in charge of your darling ....

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/02/2020 10:19

@medievalist I'm not arguing that.
Obviously people keep up appearances.
But there are things you can do to minimise those risks. Nobody's pretending you can be 100% certain.

Vulpine · 13/02/2020 10:19

Let her go.

Bagofoldbones · 13/02/2020 10:20

If grown women freeze and find it incredibly hard disclose a sexual assault why do people think young children will be any different? Confused

Many pedophiles are insidious with their sexual attempts on children, often leading the child to not really know what’s happening and unable to disclose to an adult.

It mind boggles me sometimes that parents are happy to wave their children off without really knowing where they are going. Maybe I just know too many sexual assault survivors Sad

Oblomov20 · 13/02/2020 10:21

Over anxious parenting of this ilk makes me very sad. Your dd will lose out and she will resent you.

Please just ring the mum.

Highly likely you may even become minor acquaintances. I can text any of the 8-12 mums that Ds1 regularly hangs out with.

And we take it in turns to transport say 4 of the boys to the endless parties they go to!

Clymene · 13/02/2020 10:21

But she's not going on her own, there will be other girls there.

And it really isn't a useful precedent to set as she gets older. Are you going to insist on a home visit before you allow her to go to any friends house?

Clymene · 13/02/2020 10:22

How will you spot a paedophile @Bagofoldbones?

Oblomov20 · 13/02/2020 10:26

Do you live in a rough area? Are these girls and their families naice? What exactly is it that you are worried about?

Bagofoldbones · 13/02/2020 10:26

Clymene where in my posts have I said I could?

What I’ve said is that we don’t let our dc stay out at peoples houses that we don’t know from Adam or who will actually be staying at the house. Which is sound.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/02/2020 10:27

@Oblomov20 how can she possibly answer your 2nd question? That's the point of the whole thread.

Vulpine · 13/02/2020 10:29

I wonder about the mindset of someone who sees paedophiles around every corner

MaintainTheMolehill · 13/02/2020 10:30

I'm the same as you OP but I'm in the fortunate position where even at high school my children only go to friends houses they have known since Primary 1 (4). In this situation I may let her go if other parents I am friends with know the parents well. It's difficult though because I can hear the 11 year old me in my head being annoyed at you for being embarrassing and overprotective.

Bagofoldbones · 13/02/2020 10:32

I wonder about the mindset of someone who sees paedophiles around every corner

Bingo!

Clymene · 13/02/2020 10:33

You implied it. I expect Rolf Harris's daughter's friend had parents who thought she was very safe going to a house of a nice children's presenter.

You text the parents, you drop your child off, you tell them to call you if they want to come home at any point.

Bagofoldbones · 13/02/2020 10:37

Clemene please show me where I implied it.

Yeah you might be happy doing like that but we’re not.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 13/02/2020 10:40

'Ask for the parents phone number and give them a ring. As a pp suggested or invite them for a coffee.'

Oh no, do not do that. At the most ask for the parents phone number and text to clarify arrangements.

As others have said some struggle with the transition to secondary. I once read a parent accompanied her poor teen DC on the school bus , even called it the 'school run' Confused. If a DC is sensible trust their judgement regarding friends and as long as they have a phone and you know the address that is enough.

titchy · 13/02/2020 10:43

Many pedophiles are insidious with their sexual attempts on children, often leading the child to not really know what’s happening and unable to disclose to an adult.

Which is why keeping the lines of communication open with your children is vital, why decent sex education is vital, why making sure your children know that their feelings are valid and important is vital, why instilling permission to tell someone, even an adult, to fuck off, or be able to plan their extrication from a situation if they feel weird is vital.

Hepsibar · 13/02/2020 10:45

I agree. I didnt allow my daughter with new friends whose families I didnt know. In year 8, I think I went round and also spoke with mum and took some rolly mattress things and talked about no over 18 horror films etc. Most sleepovers were with friends whose families we knew and I felt comfortable with.

Clymene · 13/02/2020 11:00

@Bagofoldbones -
You wrote:
"Many pedophiles are insidious with their sexual attempts on children, often leading the child to not really know what’s happening and unable to disclose to an adult.

It mind boggles me sometimes that parents are happy to wave their children off without really knowing where they are going."

By writing this paragraph and then following it with the one about parents 'happy to wave their children off without knowing where they are going', you are implying that if you know where a family live, and you've met the parents, they are less likely to be paedophiles.

Perhaps if those points were entirely unconnected, the second sentence shouldn't have immediately followed the first.

And there is a huge difference between not insisting you have a home check before a group sleepover and ' waving children off without really knowing where they are going'.

I drop my year 7 and 8 children off at sleepovers. I say hello to the parents and go in and have a quick chat. I don't send them in a taxi without a clue of where they're off to.

Growingboys · 13/02/2020 11:07

YABU. I let DS head off for a sleepover with new secondary friends in Year 7 without meeting any of them. However I did text the mum in advance so got a feel from her, and the fact there were a couple of them going, not just DS, made me feel fine about it.

After that we also hosted a sleepover with two boys, neither of whom's family had met us, but I made sure I texted the mums on a whatsapp group set up for the purpose so they knew who was going, and I sent pics of eg the boys eating dinner, etc, so they could see we were a nice normal family giving them pizza and not injecting drugs in front of them.

You don't want your DD to be left out. Is she sensible? If you think she is not, then maybe you have a point. But luckily my then Year 7 was eminently sensible so I trusted him.

Gizlotsmum · 13/02/2020 11:12

I let my daughter do this. I had the mother's number so texted her before but my daughter had spoken about this friend and I had seen them in passing. She had her phone and knew we would come and get her at anytime

Bagofoldbones · 13/02/2020 11:15

Yeah clyneme your analysing my posts and wanting to rearrange them is a bit weird and over invested. My opinion is based on my experience yours is based on yours.

It’s a difference of opinions don’t let it bother you so much

Lweji · 13/02/2020 11:20

Paedophiles that harm your child are more likely to be close family members, or close friends of the family. It's the people you know well and trust. Think about it.

I'd be more concerned whether they had working fire alarms and that sort of thing, tbh. I wouldn't inspect the house, though.

Clymene · 13/02/2020 11:21

Confused Eh? I haven't rearranged anything - that's literally what you typed.

I do agree though that this is a pointless discussion!

Bagofoldbones · 13/02/2020 11:26

Lewji unfortunately that’s not always true.

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