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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD (age 11) go to sleepover when I've never met the girl inviting her or her family before?

172 replies

basilbrush · 13/02/2020 07:48

DD (Year 7, age 11) has been invited to birthday sleepover. I have never met the girl who's invited her. I've said that as I don't know the family at all, she can go for the afternoon and evening celebrations but she can't stay over (this time).

I think it's reasonable to what to know people at least a little bit before you let your child spend the night in a stranger's house. And that this is a useful precedent to set as she becomes older.

Unsurprisingly, DD is rather unimpressed with this view and DH also says I need to 'take a chill pill'. AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 13/02/2020 21:13

I think that is an unnecessarily harsh assessment.

Harsh, OP? Perhaps. Necessary? Absolutely.

How do you think she will ever grow up and mature if you don’t allow her safe freedoms?

UseBy2020 · 13/02/2020 21:16

One other thing just came back to me reading the various comments from both YABU and YANBU sides about whether it's meaningful to meet other parents (whether over coffee or not!) and get to know a bit more about them.

When I was a kid and my mum insisted on knowing friends' parents, teachers on school trips etc.. her view was that it wasn't only about getting information or a feel for them as people, but also making it clear to others that we had (insanely) protective parents looking out for us and that they weren't to be messed with.

As I said, I'm not replicating my own upbringing with my own DC, but this was how she thought about it.

zasknbg · 13/02/2020 21:21

Do you know any other parents of kids going that might know the family? Could you ask them? I had a mum ask me this once. Our dds had both been invited to a sleepover and I knew the family and the other mum didn't so she asked me about them to ascertain whether her dd would be safe. (yes)

I think it's crazy sending an 11yo girl to sleepover with a family you've never met and I have absolutely no idea how most people on MN are strong advocates for safeguarding in schools, female safe spaces etc but then when it comes to sleepovers, it all goes out the window and you're neurotic for worrying.

I mean WTAF. Talk about double standards.

gospelsinger · 13/02/2020 21:51

Phoning a perent or meeting them at least establishes if there is a sleepover planned at the other girls house, who else will be in the house at the time. You can also give DD a code so that she can contact you with that code if she feels uncomfortable and wants picking up without loosing face. She probably wont need it at this point, but may do later.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/02/2020 22:03

This thread is so wierd ! Why would anyone let their child sleep at a complete strangers house ? On the basis that these people procreated and got their kids into the same school

It’s my 11 year old who still has a teddy and needs cuddling to
Sleep some nights

Of course they have to grow up and have freedom but they are still children

Disclaimer my secondary school
Is quite rough !

MaybeDoctor · 13/02/2020 22:22

‘But they have their phone’ - as if that’s a protective talisman!

Sofonisba · 13/02/2020 22:31

Harsh, OP? Perhaps. Necessary? Absolutely

Yeah, so because OP said she's unsure about letting her anxious 11-year-old sleep at the house of a family she's never met, it's totally clear that she's suffocating the poor girl to death and she's never going to develop thanks to such extreme overprotectiveness unless some wise stranger online intervenes! Absolutely necessary! LMAO.

RedskyAtnight · 13/02/2020 22:31

But they have their phone ...

Having a phone mean they can ring home at any point and ask to be picked up for any reason or no reason. The average (say) 7 year old doesn't have a phone, so can't directly contact you if they are unhappy, so you are much more reliant on the friend's parents. It's particularly a relevant point here where OP has admitted her main concern is her DD getting anxious.

RedskyAtnight · 13/02/2020 22:34

Question for those who think 11 is too young. What age would this be acceptable, and what would you expect to happen between 11 and that age?

MaybeDoctor · 13/02/2020 22:35

True, being able to phone home would alleviate anxiety.

But having a phone is no good to an 11 year old if they have lost it, forgotten to charge it, if there is no signal or if it gets taken away from them by the hosts.

Turquoisesea · 13/02/2020 22:47

My DD is 11 (nearly 12) and in year 7. She is going to a sleepover on Saturday with a new school friend but this is a friend she has spoken about often and has already met with in town and my DH met her briefly. I don’t know the family but the friend’s mum has text me to invite my DD over and confirm arrangements. I will be dropping my DD off on Saturday so meeting the mum and DD can text me at any time to collect her. My DD is also quite an anxious child but is really looking forward to going. This thread is now making me nervous thinking I shouldn’t have let her go without meeting the parents first!

Catapillarsruletheworld · 13/02/2020 22:48

I think that we may live in a more trusting area than many. I’ve genuinely never been asked for my number when hosting a sleepover and I’ve not given it out to anyone either. Well, one of dd1s friends mums has it as they do an activity together and we sometimes share lifts, but they’d had sleepovers prior to swapping numbers. DD2s best friend is a friend of mines daughter anyway, but she’s slept over new friends houses and it’s not been an issue. Maybe I’m too slack, but it’s the absolute norm here, Ive not known anyone to do anything different.

I do understand why you’d have reservations if your dd was nervous and has had to be picked up in the past, I think I’d think twice the as well. More from the having to pick an upset child up in the middle of the night perspective though than for any real fear of sexual predators.

And yes while a phone is not a protective talisman, it does mean they can get in touch with parents if they need to, also parents can see what they’ve been up to as it’ll likely be on Instagram!

sunshinesky · 13/02/2020 23:28

YADNBU. At 11 you have a responsibility as a parent to know where they are and who they're with!
I don't understand the obsession with sleepovers in any case, the kids are always tired and grumpy the next day, why can't they just go home to sleep?!

ittakes2 · 13/02/2020 23:45

I would invite this girl to your house to hang out and suss our the parent when she is collected.,

caringcarer · 14/02/2020 00:16

My parents knew almost all of the parents of my friends as most were my friends from primary and lived close by. You are not being unreasonable to be unsure about letting your dd stay overnight with strangers. I would feel uneasy about this too. I used to let my dd sleepover at 13 with parents I knew which were quite a few but only with stranger family if several of her other friends going and I always preferred it when all girls slept in one or two rooms together as less chance a brother or father could potentially abuse. I did let her go on both Spanish and French exchanges with school group from 12. I know this sounds bonkers and contradictory. Follow your instincts. Some girls are more mature than others at 11.

HeadachesByTheDozen · 14/02/2020 02:52

Why not mention the reason to your daughter, and see what she says. She may convince you that she won't call you during the night, that she's in high school now, and you may not realise she is not that anxious little girl anymore. Because you've given 2 reasons. One, that you haven't met the parents, and two, that you've had to go collect her before. The first one won't have any bearing on the second. So I'm not sure why you meeting her parents would make HER less anxious. It sounds like you have the anxiety issues, not your daughter.

Fact is, she is in high school now, she is no longer a little girl. Don't be 'that' parent. You know, the anxious type who helicopter parents their child. You could make things bad for her socially and cause issues. You will be harming more than helping. Just consider that. Because your 'need' to meet a high schooler's parents really is not normal, and you are being unreasonable and repressive.

ElvenMoonwings · 14/02/2020 03:35

No you are not being unreasonable. 11 is too young. 15, maybe okay.

HannaYeah · 14/02/2020 04:10

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Yes!

I would not spend the night in a house with people I didn’t know living there. Why on earth would I send my beloved child to do so?!

I’m more protective of my pets than some people are of their children.

Also, all this talk about trusting the judgement of an 11 year old! Why even keep them at home any longer at all if you think they are mature enough to make decisions about their own safety? Half these kids still have to be reminded to bathe and brush teeth at that age. For anyone thinking otherwise, your kids should just get jobs and set up housekeeping on their own because clearly they are fully raised.

angell84 · 14/02/2020 04:36

11 is quite young.

The only sleepovers that I went to at aged 11, were my three best friends. My mother knew all of their parents.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 14/02/2020 04:50

She's been to sleepovers with good friends before and I've had to go and pick her up at 11pm because she wanted to come home and was anxious. I am more concerned about this tbh

I've changed my mind and think YABU. You want to stop your child stopping at a friends house because it might inconvenience you if she feels uncomfortable?

I'd take it she better not turn to you in 10 years time when she's had too much to drink and doesn't want to get a taxi home on her own, then.

hopefulhalf · 14/02/2020 06:08

Dd is 13 and the rule is I need to speak to the parents first. It's not about sexual predation, it's about who's going to be home, what the plans are, what time is pick up. I have heard horror stories.

hopefulhalf · 14/02/2020 06:11

Also absolutely not every weekend. More like 4 times a year she comes back WRECKED for days. Not conducive to term time learning.

BillywilliamV · 14/02/2020 06:16

Any risk is quite vanishingly small, let her go!

Original poster
basilbrush · 14/02/2020 06:53

hopefulhalf

Wow. At what point did I EVER say my concern was being "inconvenienced" by having to collect my daughter? I did not. My only concern is her wellbeing.

OP posts:
AgentPrentiss · 14/02/2020 07:04

Year 7’s at our school go on camp in week 2 of a new school year, it’s done early as a “getting to know everyone/bonding” sort of exercise.

I’d never met any of the teachers or chaperones in attendance. Every kid still goes. 🤷‍♀️

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