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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD (age 11) go to sleepover when I've never met the girl inviting her or her family before?

172 replies

basilbrush · 13/02/2020 07:48

DD (Year 7, age 11) has been invited to birthday sleepover. I have never met the girl who's invited her. I've said that as I don't know the family at all, she can go for the afternoon and evening celebrations but she can't stay over (this time).

I think it's reasonable to what to know people at least a little bit before you let your child spend the night in a stranger's house. And that this is a useful precedent to set as she becomes older.

Unsurprisingly, DD is rather unimpressed with this view and DH also says I need to 'take a chill pill'. AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
Polly99 · 13/02/2020 11:29

I let my DD go to sleepovers where I didn't know the parents without a second thought once she was in secondary school. Usually the parents also sent a text so I knew that they were aware of it, and we met them when dropping off. DD is sensible and would call me to get her if she needed (we also have a code word which if she texts me I will call her and say she has to go home and pick her up right away).

schoolchoice · 13/02/2020 11:33

I let my daughter. And I'm really strict. I just popped in and had a cup of tea when I dropped her off (engineered that myself) and met the parents quickly. Equally, we have had girls from my daughters year over that have never met us (one didn't even drop off as we collected). It seems pretty normal at my daughters school. She is at an independent so many of her friends are not even local. I would be even more comfortable with a local school. I think you have to give them Independence but let them know you are there for them. My daughter knows she could phone at 3 am and I would come and get her. X

Dieu · 13/02/2020 11:35

So did you attempt to meet the family beforehand?

Lweji · 13/02/2020 11:38

Lewji unfortunately that’s not always true.

I had said "Paedophiles that harm your child are more likely to be close family members, or close friends of the family."

This is true. I didn't say it's always friends and family members. The clue is in the "more likely".

Porcupineinwaiting · 13/02/2020 11:38

My favourite primary school teacher was found (years later) to be a paedophile. Married a divorced mum and preyed on her young daughters whilst she was out at evening classes. Bastard.

They were a very popular family locally. V nice, v middle class. Lots of families visiting regularly, bringing their children to their Christmas parties and summer BBQs. I have no idea if anyone ever had their suspicions but from my mum tells me, there was never so much as a whisper in the playground in all those years.

Mummyeyes · 13/02/2020 11:41

Yanbu
Sleepovers banned here. Exceptional exceptions made.
IRL noone has ever batted an eyelid. Our kids our rules.

halcyondays · 13/02/2020 11:46

YABU, I’m not sure what talking to the parents is supposed to achieve.

OneHanded · 13/02/2020 11:50

She’s eleven let her go have fun!

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 13/02/2020 11:55

YABU. You're singling out DD sadly.

Do you trust her and her judgement? Talk to her about inappropriate behaviour. Impress on her that she can call you or her dad at any point.

Get her friends parents contact details and confirm details then drop her off and hope she has fun.

PersephoneandHades · 13/02/2020 11:55

YABU.

Get the parent's address and phone number and tell DD that you'll be calling her at a specified time to make sure everythings alright, doing any more than that will be viewed as weird by the parents and DD's friends.

gamerchick · 13/02/2020 11:57

Ah, see there comes a point to have to trust the teachings you've done when they're young. We teach our kids how to become adults, how to talk to us if they're feeling uncomfortable.

All you do is make sure her phones charged, that she can ring at any time to come collect her and say hi to the parents when you drop her off.

It will happen at some point. You can't keep her at home forever.

PieAndPumpkins · 13/02/2020 12:38

I'm 100% with you, as a victim of child sex abuse, its a no brainer to me. Be very careful who you trust, teach your child their body their choice, but don't be in a hurry to wave your child off to strangers. You can't protect them forever, no, but 11 is still young. I also had multiple experiences as a child/teenager of sleepover at friends that were not positive experiences... Which I tolerated because I wanted to be with my friends. I didn't have the social maturity to remove myself from the situation or weird people.
I won't be putting my own children in that position with people I, and they, do not know. Let them play together, go to the park, cinema, bowling, wherever, have dinner... Then come home and sleep in their own bed 🤷‍♀️

LoveNote · 13/02/2020 12:43

hell no!!

TwoleftUggs · 13/02/2020 12:48

YABU. Just make sure to get the phone number of the parent and also make sure your dd has her phone and is able to keep it with her during the night. You can’t possibly expect to know the parents once dc start secondary school. If my dd has a sleepover at a new place I always do the drop off and make sure I see one of the parents before I leave, to give them my number in case of problems. That’s really all. Take that chill pill op.

RedskyAtnight · 13/02/2020 12:50

I'd be interested to know if the people saying "no" actually have children of this age.

My experience is like many posters above. I have met a fair number of my DC's friends, but tbh they don't want to talk to their friend's mum. I've met hardly any of their parents. I would get contact details of a parent and text to confirm arrangements, but anything beyond that is a bit overanxious. Tell your DC to text you a "safe" word if she is remotely worried about anything and wants you to call her. And let her know that you are happy to pick her up at any time.

LoveNote · 13/02/2020 12:55

yes....my dd was at a sleepover and discovered a red light hidden in the shampoo caddy when she was in the shower! a phone filming her...her friend and the friends mother in the shower!

it was the older sisters boyfriend who had planted it there.....and was not the first time. he went to prison obviously, quite a light sentence as he hadn't put the footage out on the internet, or there was no proof he had

it happens

maybe more than we know

LoveNote · 13/02/2020 12:57

its not alway the parents you need to 'vet'

how about family friends coming/going, siblings friends and partners etc etc

who knows who has access to your kids alone....you won't know til it all goes wrong

but i get some parents want the childfree time and are happy to take a chance and ship the kids off so they get their break. i guess they just take the fingers crossed it won't happen policy

BecauseReasons · 13/02/2020 13:11

So you just don't allow sleepovers full stop, LoveNote?

Growingboys · 13/02/2020 13:16

Has the OP even come back to the thread?

OP are you there? Or are you hiding in a hedge outside the sleepover with your binoculars?

lunkitsmum · 13/02/2020 13:19

I don't "know" many of the parents of my older daughters friends but at age 11 as long as I'd dropped them off at the house she was staying at said hello to the parent had a quick chat about times for collecting the next day I'd be happy to leave my daughter for a sleepover. She has her phone and can call me anytime 24 hours.

Sparklingbrook · 13/02/2020 13:21

I personally would let her go. But I have read the thread and understand why others might be more protective and guarded.

I used to say hello at drop off and would have the parents phone number just in case.

curiouscatgotkilled · 13/02/2020 13:23

I think you have to let go a bit at that age, like others have said, you dont get to meet the parents when they get older.
Id make sure she has her phone with her, and drop her off so that you can say hello to the parents and have a little nosey at the house.
Also if its a group for a sleepever I always worry less, safety in numbers.

Clymene · 13/02/2020 13:24

No, that really isn't why I let my children go on sleepovers @LoveNote Hmm

isabellerossignol · 13/02/2020 13:24

but i get some parents want the childfree time and are happy to take a chance and ship the kids off so they get their break. i guess they just take the fingers crossed it won't happen policy

That's a ridiculous assumption, that people are willing to risk their children's safety so that they can have child free time.

I've been a parent for almost 14 years and could count on one hand the number of times my husband and I have had a night away from our children. But it doesn't change the fact that at secondary school it's just not very realistic to expect to know people's parents.

I also think the people who say that they allow children to visit their friends but not to sleep over are weirdly inconsistent. Either it's too risky to allow your children out of your sight or it's not. Sexual assault (because I'm assuming this is the risk most of us worry about) doesn't just happen overnight.

I wouldn't wave my child off from our front door and let them make their way there, I'd expect to drop her off and meet a parent. And I'd expect her to be allowed to keep her phone so that she can message me as necessary. If the parents insisted on no phones then I'd be refusing to let her stay.

oblada · 13/02/2020 13:29

YABU. What would 'knowing' the parents actually achieve in reality? Most dangers are v close to home. But you can't keep your kids in a cocoon because of it. She's 11! By then I was out and about in my own and staying over with friends on a regular basis. Teach her to stay safe.

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