To not let DD (age 11) go to sleepover when I've never met the girl inviting her or her family before?

[basilbrush]

DD (Year 7, age 11) has been invited to birthday sleepover. I have never met the girl who's invited her. I've said that as I don't know the family at all, she can go for the afternoon and evening celebrations but she can't stay over (this time).

I think it's reasonable to what to know people at least a little bit before you let your child spend the night in a stranger's house. And that this is a useful precedent to set as she becomes older.

Unsurprisingly, DD is rather unimpressed with this view and DH also says I need to 'take a chill pill'. AIBU? WWYD?

I'd ask to meet the mom first. It's not an usual request.

Go to hers for a coffee or invite her to yours - or say you want to pop in for a chat before the party. If you're not happy, at least you've given them the chance. If they put your mind at ease, happy days.

I would maybe ask for the parents phone number so that you can ring them to introduce yourself and see how you feel then

As children get older, you wont meet their parents.

Personally I think once they get to secondary age you need to let go a bit. If she has a phone (?) she can ring you if she needs to. I think if she likes her friend and it’s a special birthday thing it’s best to just say yes otherwise you’ll make things awkward for her socially.

I think at secondary age you are being unreasonable. As a pp says, once your children get to secondary you don't meet all of their friends parents

I don't think my parents ever met the parents of my friends at secondary school, apart from at drop-off and pick-up.

I wouldn't leave my child at a sleepover unless I knew the family very well.

*and I mean drop off and pick up from events and sleepovers, not from school- I got the bus on my own from 11.

I also think you need to trust your DDs judgement on her choice of friends.

Is she sensible? Then her friends probably are

YANBU

Ask for the parents phone number and give them a ring. As a pp suggested or invite them for a coffee.
If there’s time before the sleepover can you invite the girl for tea -therefore meeting her and her parents at pick up.
It’s difficult when they get older to let go a bit.

I'm not sure. When they get to secondary how can you possibly get to know the other family? I've never met most of my daughter's friends, never mind their parents.

Inviting your dd’s friends parents for coffee would be very weird.
It’s secondary school. You’re not going to meet all their parents. Give them a ring.

At secondary age YABVU. Get the mums phone number, or set up at WhatsApp etc.

Ds1 goes to loads of sleepovers and parties.

I'm not surprised dd is unimpressed.

@Amanduh it's not weird at all. It's not weird to say "I'd like to meet you before I let my daughter spend the night in your house."

My mom did similar for my little sister. The parent went off on a racist rant then said "I'm not opposed to giving her a smack round the face if she chats back to me."

Suffice to say she's never slept over at that friends house.

Do you know any of the other girls invited? Has your dd talked about this girl, and does she sound nice? Unless I'd heard negative things about the other girl or her family, I'd let her go.

YABU

It’s hard lesson for parents, but everything changes in secondary school. You won’t know many of their friends and they will make arrangements between themselves.

Don’t make her social life harder by being the one who’s “not allowed “ to do the fun stuff. Get a phone number and address and let her enjoy herself.

Inviting your dd’s friends parents for coffee would be very weird.

I agree. And very upsetting for the two daughters too because they'll hate being babied, and they'll be on edge in case their parents don't click and they are 'punished' (which it would be in their eyes, even if not in reality) for that.

My mum knew my secondary school friend's parents, she always made a point of inviting them in for a cup of tea when the parent came to collect their daughter from our house, and I'm pretty sure the other parents did the same.

Not relevant here obviously, this girl has never been to your house, but to others saying you don't meet the parents.

I don't think my mum would allow sleeping over in this case tbh.

How would meeting or talking to them help? Most people are able to act appropriately and politely when meeting new people. They won't have 'child abuser' tattooed on their forehead.

The father of one of my ds's friends was charming and seemed like an absolutely great guy and parent. Everyone in our group of parents loved him. Until he was sent to prison for abusing a small girl.

You're best putting your efforts into talking to your dd about how it's okay to speak out if something/someone makes her feel uncomfortable. And let her know that if she rings you at any time of night you'll collect her immediately, whatever the reason.

When my daughter had a sleepover when she first went to secondary, every last one of the parents dropped off their daughter and drove away.

Not one came in and said hello. None had even phoned me beforehand!

When my dd was invited to one, I asked dad for the mum's number and text to asking she needed anything. But really I was checking that there was really a sleepover! Hahah

I know what I was like as a child.

It's a difficult one, but you have to realise it's secondary and you don't ever get to meet the parents!

Age 11 (y6) you'd be reasonable but age 11 (y7), you are unreasonable.
It's not usual to know your child's secondary school friends and their parents because there's no socializing in the playground at secondary. Your friends knowing your siblings is mortifying enough,

The best way to get to know your child's friends is to have them round to yours. You won't be hanging out with them most of the time but you indirectly get a sense of what your child is like at school and what their friends are into.

Personally I wouldn't rate the cup of tea test. It's easy to fake being a good person and politely make comments about how different secondary and primary schools are or whatever. Would you really say yes/no depending on how much you get along with the parent? The sleepover is for your dd and not you- it doesn't matter whether or not you and the other parent get along. You've got the other problem of not knowing who else lives there like Dad, older siblings....

As a previous poster said, just tell your dd that she can text you to be picked up whatever time for whatever reason without any repercussions or interrogation about it.

YABVU.

At secondary age YABU I’m afraid. This is the time when you won’t know your dd’s friends’ parents and you need to focus on equipping your dd to keep herself safe.

Also, what’s the difference between going for tea and staying the night? Paedophiles don’t come out at night.

If a parent insisted on meeting me etc at that age, and made a giant hassle of it, I probably wouldn’t invite the dd again.

Also are you going to insist on meeting everyone who might be in the house? Both parents? Older siblings? Parents’ friends?