To not let DD (age 11) go to sleepover when I've never met the girl inviting her or her family before?

[basilbrush]

DD (Year 7, age 11) has been invited to birthday sleepover. I have never met the girl who's invited her. I've said that as I don't know the family at all, she can go for the afternoon and evening celebrations but she can't stay over (this time).

I think it's reasonable to what to know people at least a little bit before you let your child spend the night in a stranger's house. And that this is a useful precedent to set as she becomes older.

Unsurprisingly, DD is rather unimpressed with this view and DH also says I need to 'take a chill pill'. AIBU? WWYD?

I’m always a bit WTF at the people who don’t let their kids go for a sleepover “unless they know the family very well”.
You know most abusers abuse children close to them, right? Child sexual abuse by a stranger is pretty rare.

@BecauseReasons no, after that we stopped. and stopped hosting too

bit extreme i realise, but i was so cross with myself for not looking beyond the lovely parents of dd's friends.

i cant wrap them in cotton wool but i don't think any of my dc have suffered in any way and now as older teens they come and go as normal . just annoyed with myself i jumped on the sleepover bandwagon with such little thought to outside risks

if someone were to target kids in this way then i think its easier in todays climate as sleepovers are pretty much the norm every weekend. a predator could easily coordinate weekend visits and find kids sleeping over

I don’t think it’s usual for secondary school parents to meet up for a coffee... I had sleepovers at plenty of friend’s homes at secondary school, my Mum didn’t vet or even meet their parents beforehand.

I have a DD in year 7 and would at least want to know the address of where they will be and speak to a parent and have a parents phone number.
I think meeting for coffee is OTT

It would have been interesting to see a vote on this one, but I don't think you're BU - granted they need to cut loose a little when they're older, but 11 seems too soon for that

That said, nobody needs to bring in the heavies and the bright-lights-in-eyes to learn the hosting patents' views; surely a quick phone call would be enough to iron out most uncertainties?

You're all probably right that knowing them doesn't really change much. But it's like, I do lots of things to just put my mind at ease about my kids' safety, even if they don't actually change much. It's still worth it to make me feel better, and knowing the family would make me feel better!

Having said that, I'm kind of saddened by all the people saying "oh dear god please don't invite them for coffee!!". Is this a British thing? Because I'm the kind of person who would invite my kids' friends' parents for coffee (or to my kids parties, or whatever). I think it's nice to get to know each other! Why not???

Parents can be ok, but older siblings, blended and extended families can be very dodgy.
But I guess you need to take a risk. Or friends will simply not bother inviting your DD anywhere again.

Perhaps it'd be preferable if they played the didgeridoo

Because I'm the kind of person who would invite my kids' friends' parents for coffee (or to my kids parties, or whatever). I think it's nice to get to know each other! Why not???

That's totally fine at primary school age.

At secondary school age

• you would be ringing a stranger and asking if they fancied coming round for coffee, just on the basis that your children were friends.

Remember you are not meeting them in the school playground every day or at things like school assemblies.

• Most secondary school parents work, so meeting a stranger for coffee cuts into their precious free time.
• Your child does not want you to have coffee with their friend's parent.
• (In Year 7) your child might not still be friends with this child next month.
• your secondary school age child does not want their own parents at their party except where necessary for providing transport, food or money. They certainly don't want other people's parents.

Getting to know other parents at a distance via text (so you can organise lift shares) is great :)

I wouldn't allow this at age 11 without knowing the parents and the family circumstances. 11 is still very young.

There are actually two girls in my DD's class who (at age 14) are still only allowed to stay elsewhere as an absolute exception. They also don't yet even have a mobile 'phone!

RedskyAtnight

Thanks for the answer! I guess there's a reason why people say the British are a cold and distant people!

So you haven't meet the parents? Or the child?
Absolutely not!! To hell with "letting go a little bit" I would never let my child go somewhere I'm not 100 % sure of. Fuck that... You dont know anything about them...!!!
To me that's high risk.. I'm not over protective of my child the apron strings a loose just not fecking cut at that age... Please get to know these parents before you let her go, even to the afternoon bit.

OP here. Thanks for all the replies. I am surprised to hear how many think I am BU but it's very interesting to hear your opinions. I think, at the end of the day, I have to go with my gut feeling even if it would be much easier to just let her do what she wants. She is only 11, not 14, and not very grown up for her age or socially mature. She's been to sleepovers with good friends before and I've had to go and pick her up at 11pm because she wanted to come home and was anxious. I am more concerned about this tbh, I wasn't really thinking about sexual predator situations or anything mega dramatic! I am still letting her go to the party but not overnight. So shoot me

OP, if you'd said in your original post you didn't want your child to go because she had a history of getting anxious and wanting to come home, you'd have got different answers. Your post reads as if your only reason is not knowing the parents ... so presumably your dilemma would be the same if you did know them!!

Yanbu! She is 11 , still a baby

How is meeting them for a coffee going to help, why does mumsnet always say this, meeting someone for a coffee is not going to give you an insight of them. They are hardly likely to discuss contraversial issues or let you know their views on anything

Is she’s 11 and at secondary then it’s pretty standard. I usually go to the door the first time and have a brief chat with the parent, talk about collection arrangements for the following day etc.

Meeting the parent briefly won’t change anything at all, as they get older you have to get used to letting go a bit. I would insist on dropping off so I know where they live and then make sure the dds have their phone and charger with them. That’s pretty much the standard where we are. I don’t have any of dd1s friends parents phone numbers and only a couple of DD2s as they are actually my friends. I dot have any of the new friends made a senior schools parents number and she has slept round a couple of different friends houses since starting in September.

RedskyAtnight yes, it's only happened twice but you are right, I should have mentioned it in my first post, apologies.

Why would you not have the phone numbers of the parents?

That's fairly standard, surely?

YABU , even after your update , all you will do is make your daughter look like the odd one who isn’t allowed to stay over , would probably be better not to go at all than be embarrassed by having to leave in the middle of the event .

I am not keen on sleepovers because they break down boundaries that are generally there for good reasons. This includes adults 'crashing' after a party or night out. I have read far too many accounts of sexual assaults in that situation.

This thread was an eye-opener and I think the advent of camera phones has only widened the potential for nasty behaviour:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/3789963-To-ask-what-the-weirdest-thing-you-experienced-or-saw-at-someone-elses-house-when-you-were-a-child

Back to the sleepover:

At fifteen or sixteen when they are sufficiently confident and assertive to find their way home from most places or express that they don't like a situation? Perhaps.

At eleven with a family you don't know? No way.

My DS 13 has friends over for sleepovers - i always ask him for a parents number( if I don’t know them) and text them saying - DS has asked if your DS can sleep over after school and it’s okay with me etc.i don’t expect to meet them, I think 11-13 they are still young don’t want to embarrass them But think they need a bit of guidance. I know plenty of kids in my area at that age are drinking stuff like wkd / cider in parties and i has am not having it at 11-13 in my house and my DS will not be doing the same as as I can deal with at this age.

She is only 11, not 14, and not very grown up for her age or socially mature.

From this thread, OP, I’m willing to bet that’s because you haven’t allowed her to grow and mature in a safe space because you’ve always mollycoddled her.

Do you have the birthday girl's address and parents phone number?

heartsonacake I think that is an unnecessarily harsh assessment.

But then I did post on AIBU so I suppose I should suck it up