To not let DD (age 11) go to sleepover when I've never met the girl inviting her or her family before?

[basilbrush]

DD (Year 7, age 11) has been invited to birthday sleepover. I have never met the girl who's invited her. I've said that as I don't know the family at all, she can go for the afternoon and evening celebrations but she can't stay over (this time).

I think it's reasonable to what to know people at least a little bit before you let your child spend the night in a stranger's house. And that this is a useful precedent to set as she becomes older.

Unsurprisingly, DD is rather unimpressed with this view and DH also says I need to 'take a chill pill'. AIBU? WWYD?

I'd want the phone number to call and introduce myself and I'd be dropping DD off at the house under the guise of asking what time to pick her up etc so I could get a 'feel' of where she is, who is there and what she's likely to be getting up to.

I think now she’s in secondary school you need to get used to this; you could ask for the parents phone number to call and introduce yourself and make sure you take her round so you meet the parent but I think your DD is just going to miss out on things otherwise

It's a birthday sleep over. Take that chill pill

By all means, take her to the party and meet the parents, etc. But I wouldn't say no.

I'm on the fence with this one, on one hand I can understand, Ive had many sleepover with dd and her friends I don't know and I'm always surprised the parents haven't even checked their kids are coming to me, don't know me. Don't come to the door at drop off or pick up. I think you can get a rough idea of who a person is even if they are on best behavior, but on the other hand she is in secondary school, your unlikely to know all the parents of her knew friends, and you could potentially socially outcast her, if she is the one who can't go to sleepovers etc without you meeting parents first. This could lead to bigger problems in you relationship, there might come a point she starts lying and sneaking behind your back because your too strict.
Ive never stopped DF going to sleepovers but I have always asked for a phone number and exchanged texts with the parent before a sleepover, I've never once had that back though.

At secondary, I always made sure I had the parent's phone number and the address and dropped them round for the first sleepover. And that was that. Mums of girls are maybe more cautious, so with dc's female friend I got a whole text exchange before the first sleepover, which was useful as we needed to discuss sleeping arrangements. With his male friends I have barely glimpsed a parent though. I think if I proposed to ds that I needed to meet up with his school friends parents to check them out, he'd curl up and die.

We had a sleepover last year for DSD who was then turning 12. None of her friends parents had met us. Every parent bar one wanted a chat on the phone which was fine. I gave them heaps of info about our family, who would be here, sleeping arrangements etc.

YABU

Presume you'll be dropping her off so you know where she is? In which case I think you do need to chill a bit. But do make sure your dd has her phone with her and charged, and agree some sort of get out clause that doesn't make things awkward for her if she feels things aren't quite right. Maybe text 'Granny's sick do you want to visit her tomorrow morning?' If she replies 'yes' that means please pick me up (and she has the excuse that you all need to leave very early in the morning), or 'no' which means everything's fine and I'm having fun.

At secondary it’s unlikely you’ll know many parents unless they went through primary together. I was the only one from my village to attend the school in the next town (others went to a school the opposite way) so I didn’t know anybody when I started and I was first pick up, last drop off on the bus route.

My friend was sexually abused by her friends cousin at a sleep over . She was 12 he was 19. I watched her go through a horrible court case over it plus the damage it did emotionally for years after - So I’d be saying no.

My kids will only stay out at friend houses if I directly know the parents and can discuss the arrangements.

I know I will probably get flamed for being over protective and accusatory but hey ho.

I kind of understand where you're coming from. When my DD was younger (7-10) I took exactly the same view and I know some people thought I was being far too strict.

My own parents never let us stay overnight with anyone they didn't know well until we were teenagers but they were way over the top on this issue. My mother was never able to rationally explain her position to me and I found it very frustrating.

I think there is a point where you have to loosen control and trust that you've given your children the tools to deal with difficult situations without you. For me this point is secondary school age. If I had actual concerns about a particular child or their family, I would still say no. But if there's a party happening, other children will be there and other parents who know the family are happy to send their kids overnight, then I'm going to say yes at the age of 11.

Like a pp recommended, make sure your DD has her phone and some coded messages.

It's hard at this age, but the 'norm' is to let her go, I think. Obviously you have to set your own boundaries, and decide what works for your family, but do so in the knowledge that it's usual at secondary age to know less about people's families/arrangements.
My eldest is 13. I make sure I have an address and a brief text exchange with the parents first. (I also drop off wherever possible - logically I know that no one is going to have 'I'm bad news, keep you kids away' tattooed on their head, but it makes me feel a bit better). DD knows she can contact us at any time and we will come and get her (so far we have not had to, though I did have a series of 3am texts when the friend's cat came and sat on her!).
It's hard, and there is a risk involved - it's how you choose to balance that risk against your child's increasing independence. Good luck!

*My friend was sexually abused by her friends cousin at a sleep over . She was 12 he was 19. I watched her go through a horrible court case over it plus the damage it did emotionally for years after - So I’d be saying no.

My kids will only stay out at friend houses if I directly know the parents and can discuss the arrangements.*

And how does directly knowing the parents and discussing arrangements guard against a family relative or friend dropping by? And how would directly knowing the parents help you know if one of them was a paedophile? In the example I gave earlier, a trusted parent friend turned out to be a paedophile.

When I was a young teen a very good family friend turned up at our house one afternoon and started making moves on me. I can vividly remember being frozen with terror and not knowing how to get away. Fortunately my mum walked in, took in the scene and we never saw him again. Lucky. But what would have been far better was if my dm had prepared me for that sort of situation and told me how to respond.

I think she will end up being bullied and not invited to things if you aren’t able to find a way for her to stay that you feel happy with (I don’t just mean this sleepover, but in general).

Make sure you have the phone numbers of who she will be staying with and have a chat with them. Talk to your DD about what to do if she is worried or concerned at any time and make sure she has a phone so she can call you. Ask the parents what their overnight phone policy is and, assuming your DD cannot access the internet, say you would like your DD to have her phone in case she needs to call in the night.

My daughter went to such a sleepover a couple of weeks ago. The family lived 3 streets away and I went round and met the parents when I dropped her off. My daughter had her phone and could call me if worried, 4 girls all went together and had a great time. The mum did invite me over beforehand as she wondered if I wanted to suss them out!

@medievalist you're never going to be able to guarantee that your child is 100% safe but surely it's better to be relatively comfortable than it is to be completely oblivious.

But the point is that "relative comfort' means zilch 🤷‍♀️. You just never know what people are capable of.

But the point is that "relative comfort' means zilch 🤷‍♀️. You just never know what people are capable of.

Yeah in the same way that you don't know if a workman is going to do a shit job so you try to look for reviews and speak to people who've had them do a job before, so you know they're probably ok.

They still might do a shit job but you've done what you could to ensure otherwise.

Tbh dont think my mum ever knew the family or the people at whom I was having sleep overs at, there just wasn't any need for her to.

I'd let her go, OP.

Medievalist you can prep Kids all you want but as you know kids and grown women freeze regardless if you have plans in place It takes an unbelievable amount of courage for children to disclose an assault or understanding what some one has done was inappropriate. Not all sexual abusers have a big red sign saying ‘pedo here’ over their head.

Knowing the parents mean I can ask if they are going out and have a baby sitter in or if anyone one else is staying over. Not the next door neighbour calling in for a coffee. And regards to the parent possibly being a pedophile well predators are every where. That’s why hopefully be knowing them either myself or dh can have some idea on whether I would trust him with my dc - it’s always a gamble but one I’d like to say I’d been given all the information on rather than just blindly packing my kids of to some strangers home.

I think the point is, when it comes to sexual abuse, your level of "comfort" will have little to no bearing on the likelihood of an assault taking place. Lots of monsters wear masks, how will chatting to friend's mum tell you what dad, or their oldest son, or Barry from next door are like?

YANBU Id never allow DC to sleepover at this age with a family unknown to me.

You'd be better off teaching your dd what to do in these situations.

Most sleepovers, no dodgey uncle pops over. Small risk.

Teach your dd boundaries. What's more likely to be a risk, is a party, next year, in year 8, where snogging is going on, or more sexual things, touching etc. And learning to say no, and go at a pace your happier with . With a boy peer. Not 50 year old uncle!

When I had 6 of ds's friends watching the champions league final, nobody popped over!

It's not even just about sexual abuse though, is it?

If you walk in and the house smells of weed, or there's a half drunk bottle of vodka on the coffee table with no glass or lid, you're probably not going to let your child stay.