AIBU, friend organised surprise 50th three weeks after mine!

[Andrea2807]

Tell me AIBU, there a few of us turning 50 this year, and I got a
message through Facebook from a friend saying I’m organizing a surprise for X’s 50th which is 4 weeks after mine. Then posts oh we can have a few drinks for yours as well! We are a group of friends who socialise together, we all have to put in an extra tenner for x’s place. When I said oh thanks should I just tag along I was told don’t be so touchy!
Myself and X had discussed all going away later on after the summer holidays, which won’t happen as people won’t be able to afford it, I’m getting more annoyed every message that’s coming through and now don’t want to go, AIBU

You don't own a MONTH

Oh! A month after your birthday not after your own party. Yes, I think that shows who they feel closer too I'm afraid unless she's well known for having helped several during difficult times or has organised others parties

Be totally honest otherwise it eats you up. Put in the group chat your disappointed with the way this has happened and you won’t be going. That simply, leave it at that for the organiser. You can still do something smaller with your friend together.

Are you sure they havent arranged a surprise party for you as well?

Absolutely certain they haven’t arranged something for me, as they would need to check with my hubby that he has nothing planned and they won’t do that because he doesn’t like them. he says they treat me horribly, we only moved back to my area 8 years ago and he’s right that friendships change over the years, but I hate that I feel like I’ve been wrong and he’s right and some of them are just nasty, it’s like admitting your judgment is off.

I think it's awful that a group of friends will make a huge fuss of one and not another. It's very hurtful.

The person organising that is not a friend and the people going along with it aren't either as they wouldn't have let it happen.

It's time for new friends.

@Emergencycake you hit the nail on the head, I know my friend will be upset that it’s been made to be all about her and I’ve been sidelined as such, i would never hurt as she is so lovely and I know If I didn’t go she would wonder why. I think it’s the inconsideration from the person organising that everybody has money now and where all being railroaded into it and if we don’t where made to feel like we don’t care x

In what ways are the others horrible to you? It sounds to me like you're placing more importance on this friendship group than you should.

I do agree that party organiser is in the wrong, but it seems like she's organising something for someone she's close to and acknowledging your birthday in a clumsy way. If she's still a bitch, then it might be pointed how she's done it. She needs calling out though and the others are almost as bad if they're letting her get away with it. But then again, if they aren't nice people then that would explain why they haven't said anything much about it.

I think if it was me I would be distancing myself from the group and if there any friends in it that I particularly like I'd make an effort to stay in touch with them individually.

You don't actually know if they've arranged anything for you though. If it's a surprise you wouldn't know?

Birthdays (and adults stressing about them) is a major bugbear of mine. Am I really the only person who doesn’t give a toss? I’m always happy with cards and a text. Extravaganzas are a pain in the arse.

It’s obviously a bit insensitive not to do a joint surprise birthday celebration for both of you. But to be fair it wouldn’t be a surprise if they told you, so who knows what to expect x

I see the birthday party woman doesnt have a husband. So maybe the organiser felt she would doing something for her that perhaps a husband/wife would normally organised, and assumed your husband would arrange something for you?

However, given the post about them being horrible, perhaps not.

I think I would try and put it to the back of your mind for now. Let the events pass and then have a think about the friendships. Its hard to make decisions when you're feeling hurt.

“we only moved back to my area 8 years ago and he’s right that friendships change over the years”

So is it the case that this group have never left the town you grew up in, but you did?

Maybe they have a very limited mindset and see you as an outsider - still after 8 years!

Are they all single or divorced? Just wondering if they see you as “apart” because you have a DH?

I totally see how you would feel and I think it’s incredibly rude and thoughtless.

Rather than texting you saying they dint think it’s fair, the other “friends” should be texting the organiser and letting her know just that.

I would be honest about how you feel with one if the other people who has texted you and get her to let the organiser woman know.

Sometimes people genuinely just don’t think, but her reaction will tell you all you need to know.

thanks to everyone that took their time out to reply, I will leave it there.

Is your friend in a different position than you. Wait and see they might have organised a SURPRISE for you too.
Say nothing and wait.

This is why I hate birthdays!

Personally I would bow out and make arrangements for you and the other birthday friend to do something separately.
Your worth has been shown by all of them imo...

In your shoes I'd go away for your birthday as planned, and perhaps if you can afford it go away the weekend of this surprise party too. A friend of mine kept celebrating her 50th more or less all year with a party and trip away and theatre trip to London etc! So you can do it too :)

If your DH has never liked these friends, it looks like he might be right. Time to look for some real friends.

I would be upset too

I think your husband has got the measure of the situation. I once had a friendship group like this, and started dreading meeting up but felt I ought to as no other friends in the area and so on, and one day my husband just said if you don't want to go out with them, why don't you just not go. I realised that the eye-rolling, sighs when I spoke, being unsure if i was really in with the group wasn't worth it, even if individually many of the people were really nice. I stayed in with my husband and never went out with them again. Over time, I made nice new friends. I suggest you do the same.

On Mumsnet if you care that your supposedly loving DH doesn't bother with your Birthday, or that your friends are snubbing you and your special day, yet rolling out the red carpet for another member of your friendship group, you are acting like a teenager/grabby/self obsessed/ entitled. I'm yet to meet a feeling-less Mumsnetbot in real life and of course you've a right to be pissed off and upset OP.

So text friend who is arranging it. Tell her how you feel. Actually, don't text. Phone her.

Yeah. I'd be hurt too.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. The logical thing to do would have been to make it a joint party. I'd straight out ask if it could be made a joint bash so your birthday doesn't get left out in the frenzy.