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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU, friend organised surprise 50th three weeks after mine!

336 replies

Andrea2807 · 12/02/2020 20:06

Tell me AIBU, there a few of us turning 50 this year, and I got a
message through Facebook from a friend saying I’m organizing a surprise for X’s 50th which is 4 weeks after mine. Then posts oh we can have a few drinks for yours as well! We are a group of friends who socialise together, we all have to put in an extra tenner for x’s place. When I said oh thanks should I just tag along I was told don’t be so touchy!
Myself and X had discussed all going away later on after the summer holidays, which won’t happen as people won’t be able to afford it, I’m getting more annoyed every message that’s coming through and now don’t want to go, AIBU

OP posts:
wondertime · 13/02/2020 00:29

At first I wondered if they had arranged this as a surprise for you both & that there is a separate text thread with your other birthday friend included who thinks she’s going away for a surprise for you... however since reading I think it’s a spiteful attack by this other woman. I would feel very uneasy. I’d be tempted to arrange something really lovely with your friend who’s birthday it is. And say your family have surprised you with something special that weekend so you can’t go. Then really do, do something lovely that weekend.

neveradullmoment99 · 13/02/2020 00:32

I cant believe the responses on here! Its very hurtful! Do you think they could be organising it for you as well? It could be there way of keeping it a secret? Otherwise what they are doing is mean!

Downunderduchess · 13/02/2020 00:49

Maybe they have told her it’s a surprise for you & vice versa, so it will be a joint celebration?

Morporkia · 13/02/2020 00:57

I’m guessing that you and the other guests are chipping in to pay for your friend, therefore definitely no surprise element for you. I’m sorry your being made to feel this way 💐 as a pp said the organiser is and probably always has been queen bee. Rise above it and have fun at the girly weekend, then invite your nearest and dearest to a lovely evening to celebrate your big five oh xx

Italiangreyhound · 13/02/2020 01:05

You are right to be pissed off. I think I'd be tempted to do something fabulous with your other 50 something friend and only invite those you want.

(I still cannot believe so many people on page one could not get it!)

Italiangreyhound · 13/02/2020 01:07

Actually, I think surprise parties are a pretty crap idea.

Personally, I'd join in for your friend and do what you want with the friends you want at another time.

Thanks
Emergencycake · 13/02/2020 01:18

I think I sort of get what you mean. I had a landmark birthday this year as did DH and a number of our friends who are the same age.

One friend said they would therefore arrange a weekend away so we could all have a blow out bash, but in the UK. Anyway, DH and I discussed going away, just the 2 of us to celebrate. Then along comes another for the group who stated they are arranging a party for their DH in another country and would we like to go. My DH looks at flights and instantly books. They were reasonable, but with hotel on top plus childcare to consider, that has now gazumped our just the 2 of us holiday, so I'm a little bit humph about it.

It's just when money and babysitting is a bit tight and someone jumps in and sort of side tracks your original vision it's a little bit bleurgh. I'm over it but I get where you're coming from OP.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 13/02/2020 01:19

I totally understand why you're upset....

It all seems very badly planned... So. What do people suggest OP does.... Wait for a 'surprise' party that doesn't happen?? That would be really crap....

In my friendship group one pal and I have birthday a week apart..... We have done both separate and joint birthday things.... We did have a 'surprise' for our 40ths.... Not that the party was a surprise.... For similar reasons to avoid the OPs issue.... It would just feel people didn't care! It was about WHO came!

We all had a fab time!

I would take control of this.....arrange your own different birthday? I know its not the same.... But could you do a different celebration... Murder mystery weekend at home? A silly games day? Just so that lack of money won't stop people coming!

Shaminon · 13/02/2020 01:23

Sweet Jesus 50 or 15 sums this one up.

Organise whar you want for your bday and don't spoil someone else's.

50!!

Italiangreyhound · 13/02/2020 01:25

I'll never understand why getting older means you cannot have feelings or care how others treat you.

BullshitVivienne · 13/02/2020 01:26

Your friend is being unreasonable for referring to a group of women approaching 50 as "girlies."

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 13/02/2020 01:38

What Italiangreyhounds says... Yup!

SkiingIsHeaven · 13/02/2020 02:17

Maybe they have arranged a surprise birthday party for you in your birthday but you just don't know about it because it's a surprise.

Pixxie7 · 13/02/2020 02:59

Perhaps they are doing something for you and the drinks was to put you off track.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 13/02/2020 05:29

This reply has been deleted

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BoomBoomsCousin · 13/02/2020 05:56

she has Mentioned it to a couple of people and when one of the girls brought it up in the chat group it was dismissed so wasn’t mentioned again x

You've talked about friends who've mentioned to you that they think the situation is a bit off but are going along with it in the group anyway. Is this because they have the impression you don't really mind or is a bit of, for want of a better word, two-facedness somewhat par for the course with this group? Could you, perhaps, be a bit clearer that you are really unhappy at your joint weekend away after the summer being dashed like this?

If not, do you want to go on this weekend? Or are you going to spend the whole time a bit pissed off about it and then even more annoyed when the summer is over and no one wants to go away on yours? Do you think X, who won't have to cough up for this weekend, will still go away with you after the summer?

Could you drop out with something like - "I've realised I can't afford two weekends so I'm going to have to bow out of this one."

You may not get anyone else dropping out but at least you won't have to pretend for a weekend and you can do something more intimate with X later on?

Yeahnah2020 · 13/02/2020 05:59

Very insensitive of them. And yep I think its totally justified you would feel like an after thought. Why can't you say that to your friend? What could she say back? She'll end up looking like a right tosser. I wouldn't go to the party and would go overseas instead.

AJPTaylor · 13/02/2020 06:03

It's a shame. For our 50th birthday year, we did a girls weekend away altogether (6 of us) in the middle of the year And celebrated our individual bdays with family.
It sounds thoughtless.

clairedelalune · 13/02/2020 06:25

How far down the lone is the organising of this event? If the message only came out last night and you haven't replied, could you not reply with 'while a great idea, X and I have actually got joint plans underway and were hoping to do a weekend in September/October'

While I agree it does sound a bit odd her adding you on, unless you have actually floated the idea, she will have no idea that you did actually already have plans which are now being wrecked... just say you and x already have planned things out.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/02/2020 06:26

If you really don’t want to go, you could try being truthful. X has said to both me and some of you she would like to do a joint weekend away with all of us to celebrate both our birthdays later in the year. then add the comment from BoomBoom, I realised I cannot afford two weekends so I’m going to bow out of this one.

If you cannot bring yourself to do this, I would do as Italiangreyhound suggested. Don’t make up an excuse. You will look petty.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/02/2020 06:28

Cross post clairedelalune has said something better than my comment. If that doesn’t work, you could then bow out.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/02/2020 06:36

I get you, OP.
One of my oldest friends shares her birthday with me.
Many of her friends I have known since we were all in our teens, been on holiday with them all etc.
They still managed to mostly forget that we have the same birthday, even when my friend organises JOINT birthday things for us - so it's not quite the same, because my FRIEND knows and is always happy to share the celebration, but others who I thought were also friends always ignore mine and feign ignorance of the date being the same (Except one - she's lovely too).

It's quite hurtful when you're at a joint birthday party (You think) and only 1 or 2 people acknowledge that it actually IS a joint party and that you are one of the people involved!

I know it's not quite the same as your scenario but it's in the same ballpark of hurt feelings, and I get it.

Hopefully the friends who are annoyed at you being sidelined will do something for you as well to even things up. Flowers

Buggedandconfused · 13/02/2020 06:38

God what mean spiteful responses. I think some of you need to grow up!!

OP, I would feel really upset too. If you are all good friends why have the chosen to do the lovely surprise for your friend and not you too?! The ‘tag along’ comment is particularly mean.

Is there any chance that they may be organising a surprise for you too? I mean it’s not like they can tell you is it?

tallah · 13/02/2020 06:40

You know it could also be a surprise for you

tallah · 13/02/2020 06:42

And if it's not then I think you're right to be upset