Colleague relying on me for lifts!!

[Sarbr3]

Hi guys
I'm new here and haven't posted yet but need some advice for my dillema!
My work is an hours drive away and quite tricky (but not impossible) to get too via public transport. A girl started on my team September last year and asked if i could take her too and from work every now and then as she had a driving test booked in..
Fast forward nearly 6 months and she has failed three tests. She now completely relies on me for lifts and I recieve a text every evening (usually at 11pm) asking if i can bring her in. She hasn't had ANY lessons just practices with her partner.
She pays me, but not as much as I ask her for and it's usually a lump sum on pay day which amounts to less than we have agreed.
On top of this there have been two occasions where I've not been able to bring her in last minute and she has rung in sick saying she feels physically "too weak" to get the train!!!
Ive tried to speak to her about feeling pressure to get her into work but she hasn't picked up the hint. She's quite defensive and Im sure that if i say i no longer want this responsibility she will argue that I'm going that way anyway (i pass her house).
But its taking a real toll on me as this journey is my wind down time, and I do feel pressure to work my plans around her!
I'm torn between being straight with her and ending all lifts as i think even just saying two a week would become more than that. Or lying and saying that I'm moving house 😂 i rent at the moment so it's not too unbelievable. Obviously I don't feel comfortable lying, but I think i need to put my own wellbeing first and this is really getting me down.
I wouldn't mind, but she has never got public transport in and we have nothing in common to talk about (she's actually rather opinionated). And also why would you take a job you can't get too??!
Sorry rant over, it's just really getting me down. I need reassurance that I'm not being a complete b* for not wanting to do it anymore, or advice of how to get out of this situation!
Just an add on, i told her to get lessons two months ago and wait to rebook her test. As far as i know she's made no effort to find a driving instructor 😣

@Butterymuffin aw Thank you.

I was slightly embarrassed that I couldn't drive (spent years learning, fine in lessons but horrific nerves come test time) and knew they were very much doing me a favour that they didn't have to and I was raised to have good manners with such things, I'd also seen my mum taken advantage of over the years and stressed out when eg if she needed to stay home cos one of us were sick and that meant the person/people she gave lifts too had to make alternative arrangements at short notice.

Some of the people she gave lifts to were good mannered and appreciative but some were cf and it caused arguments at home (dad was abusive).

But I understood also that it was unfair on my mum if they didn't contribute towards petrol etc.

I've since passing my test (I don't have a car at present) been more than happy to give lifts BUT if people aren't at the very least appreciative - a simple, genuine thank you costs nothing - I don't help them out again.

When pressed I've said "I'm happy to do favours for people who are appreciative but I won't be taken for a walkover" which they can't really come back on without looking a tit! Because it's factual, simple and not rude.

If I was you I would start ‘going to the gym’ on the way home and say you can drive her in but you can’t drive her home. When this is established than find a way to drop the morning drive.
Our suddenly get a ‘partner’ who lives near your work and you can’t commit to it because you want flexibility to sleep at their house when you want x

If I was you I would start ‘going to the gym’ on the way home and say you can drive her in but you can’t drive her home. When this is established than find a way to drop the morning drive.

Why on earth would you do this? Honestly, all this fannying about and making up stories that people are suggesting. Just continue to tell her no if she asks again.

Well done, OP!!

Well done op! Who gives one iota of a fuck about some other person at works transport choices, like, she can manage to get someone to employ her, she can get to the job, it’s nothing to do with you, don’t let her make you feel like it’s anything to do with you. If she starts, just talk over her about your dream last night or how you think you’re getting the cold {sneeze}, {YAWN}, she can choose to drive, pay a taxi/train, or be a burden to some mug, who gives a fuck.

Taking bets...
5/1 if you could just take me in for the next few days while I get myself sorted out....
20/1 goes to boss and asks whether the company will pay for a taxi
10/1 sickness level goes up more and she has to attend meeting with boss where she complains the stress of not driving has made her Ill
100/1 I suffer from terrible anxiety on public transport so need to be driven.
2/1 odds on favourite, whines to colleague that her lift has let her down so can she take her in?

Really?
You're driving the same route and she's paying you?
What an absolute chore.

'@Graphista*'.
I was like that, indeed still am. I can't drive because of medical issue, but I will walk rather than take advantage of lifts.

If I get a one off lift, its heartfelt thanks and ' you can drop me here' so as not to take them out of their way. Even by a smidgen.

When I was 14, school arranged for me to be picked up and dropped off by a teacher.
I saved my pocket money to pay my way, even then.

Then it turned out he was being paid by school as well, to help us out.

Yes, savingshoes ,it is a chore if its an hour each way.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I recently gave lifts to a colleague who wasn’t taking the piss and only needed them for a limited time but I was glad when she was able to go back to driving herself. Apart from appreciating the winding down time I often call in the supermarket/ library/ nail bar on my way home and felt restricted knowing she was relying on me. In the mornings I get up and get ready and leave. Some days I’m earlier than others and having to consider someone else is just too restricting. I was happy to help my workmate for a time but then she wasn’t a CF.

Not being unreasonable at all op. You already have to spend all day working with colleague and to spend an extra 2 hours every day in a tiny confined space would drive me nuts! I would struggle having to spend this amount of time with my best friend, never mind a colleague who I had very little in common with except work! It just shows their sense of entitlement that they phone in sick whenever you cancel with short notice. Can’t understand why your employer doesn’t pull them up on this? You go off sick, so the person who would have to pick up your slack just goes off sick as well, leaving your employer up shit creek without a paddle.

Well done on putting a stop to it, you don't owe anybody an explanation. I had a similar situation when a new colleague joined the team. He doesn't have a car as his wife needs it & so walks to work (probably about 30minutes) another CF colleague casually mentioned that I live closest to him and so I could give him lifts to and from work! I was enraged as it would be totally out of my way and there is no way I am arranging my journey to and from work around texting someone to say I've set off etc. Might sound harsh but it's not my issue he doesn't have access to a car etc. A few years ago I would have probably felt pressured into agreeing to this but once you learn to say no to people to things you don't want to do it's liberating!!

I'd just move house. I'll find somewhere else to rent. This way, I'd be free of her and a bad atmosphere at work. But that's me and that's how I deal with such a stressful situation with the least damage.

Personally, I avoid giving lifts to anyone I don't like to be with in my car, especially those who expect it, though they have their own cars, but are not prepared to take it in turns.

I'm with you. Would do my head in having someone in the car for 2 hours a day that I'm not even friends with

I'd just move house

I'm sorry but I just can't understand the mentality that all the upheaval if moving house (and potentially schools for children etc if you move far enough away for this to be a reasonable excuse) is preferable to just saying no. You can even do it by text! What happens when there is another colleague who lives near your new house who is just as cheeky? When does it stop?

I know some people struggle with confrontation and difficult conversations, but if you're seriously at the point where you would consider moving house before standing up for yourself, get some assertiveness training. And I mean this kindly, you won't regret it

Don't know if this has been said but by taking money from her your insurance is compromised.

@mrsBtheparker that’s just scaremongering 🙄

People car pool —without CFs — up and down the country with no insurance issues.

When I was still working my drive to and from work was my 'me time'.
I detested giving lifts. One chap would regularly ask then spend the journey ranting about the iniquity of cars being on the road at all and polishing his environmental credentials.
Another person was given a job at my school and she was told that I would be able to give her a lift every day! That didn't happen and guess who was the bad guy?

People car pool —without CFs — up and down the country with no insurance issues.

Car pooling is different - they don't take any money as such, just take turns. The moment you charge somebody on a regular basis, even if it's just covering a share of the petrol, then you are providing a service for financial reward.

@Allergic that's just not true, our company car pool website lets you work out how much you should charge your car poolers for petrol costs.

We're a massive company, no way would they provide this info if it was illegal.

On similar threads, other MNers have said the same about their companies, so it's common.

I had a situation like this when I used to drive my neighbour in and out of work adding 10mins either end. At first it was fine, then it really started to grate on me. She would leave me waiting outside while she "set up her house for the evening".

Often I had to wait at outside her work while she was finishing up. She waited outside for me once in the rain and she moaned all the way home about the cold she was inevitably going to get.

It went on for nine months and eventually one morning while I was waiting outside her house I just flipped and drove away, saw her running down the road after me, so she KNEW I was outside, just in no hurry to come out.

She rang me at work to berate me and I just said, "You we're making my late, again"

She asked if I'd collect her that evening and I just said no.

We were barely on nodding terms after that.
Eventually she moved away.

I will never get myself in that position again.

@rationalcat yes I was not driving for a few years there as I was on meds that made me “foggy” so I felt it safer not to (for others too!)

I’m no longer on that medication but I’m housebound at the moment by illness so not driving at the moment either but I’m really hoping to be doing better and driving again within the year.

I love driving and the freedom it gives me. My mum was sad for me that I didn’t pass my test till I was older as she had been similar (but in her case it was a cost issue, my parents couldn’t afford a car till I was in my teens) and she had really felt the difference of having been a young mum with young kids struggling with public transport (my dad was army so we were often living back end of beyond “one bus a day” type places!) and then being a driving mum of teens able to be “mums taxi” and take us places and have access to doing things we didn’t before.

Her/my dads parents didn’t have cars either most of the time (they occasionally hired for holidays, both granddads could drive) but they lived in Glasgow so they had both excellent public transport systems and many things within walking distance anyway.

Location really makes a difference.

If you live in a major city public transport is generally good and frequent and you can get most places you need to.

But if you live rurally or even in some suburban places it can be very unreliable and expensive and doesn’t necessarily go to all places.

I’ve had times where I’ve worked on farms and factories before I was driving and some of them laid on transport from a town location because they knew many of their workers either couldn’t drive or couldn’t afford to maintain a car. Those journeys would probably be illegal now! But I actually have very fond memories of bouncing around in the back of lorries etc, the camaraderie of taking those journeys with colleagues, even if that included moaning in winter that it was so bloody cold in them there was ice on the inside

Have you pointed out to HR that her days of being too weak to get in always coincide with days she can't get a lift? They should get her in and ask her about that, if only to mark her card for next time she tries it.

I take the metrolink to work every day, it takes me an hour to get there. I have a workmate who lives a 5 min drive down the road. She could pick me up easily and take me into work, it takes about 20 min's by car. But she hasn't offered and I wouldn't dream of asking. If the boot was on the other foot, I would definitely offer to drive her into work every day (for a small contribution to petrol money) but that's just me.

I don't particularly think you're being unreasonable but I personally couldn't drive past someone's house if I was going that way anyway. Why don't you talk to her about exactly how much money you want from her, and tell her that if you're off sick or on holiday she needs to have other arrangements in place.

I think it's a bit mean not to offer someone a lift if you're going that way anyway...

P.S. I don't drive due to some 'issues' that I have, which it's not appropriate for me to go into here.

I’d totally do as everyone suggests and send a clear text saying you’re not able to drive her any more. No explanation needed. If she presses and you feel awkward you could just say you don’t want the commitment anymore as it stops you being free to make your own plans after work and feel under pressure sticking to set times. But I also think it’s important before you do it to mention to HR or a manager you trust at work in case she twists it and makes you look bad somehow - you know how these piss takers can be. Cover yourself first xx