SIL making bedroom for my Daughter

[Nik101]

Hi All,
Fully prepared to be told I'm being over the top but thought I'd ask for other people's opinions.

My SIL is great, she's a really lovely person, always offering to help etc however can be a little overbearing along with MIL at times, and will tell me what my Daughter (3) likes to do & how she likes things etc.

She has just purchased a really big 5 bedroom house with her partner and has asked if they can make a room for my Daughter.

My Daughter has never stayed with her previously, however I'm certainly not against her staying over every other month or so.

They have a lot of money and would be able to put together a really nice bedroom for my Daughter, however it makes me feel a little bit sick and anxious to think of someone else doing this for her and almost a bit like they are "taking over". However not sure if it just me over thinking. They have also been trying for a baby for about 5 years and unfortunately it hasn't happened, and I suppose a small part of me is worried that she would like to act as if she is a parent etc and knows it's unlikely she will ever get the opportunity to do our rooms for her own children.

Am I just being silly and over thinking or should I leave her to it?

Is no one else more confused by buying a 5 bed house for 2 people (who I am assuming will be sharing one of them) What a waste of heating and cleaning... Maybe she is realising this and wants to make herself feel that it was not a little pointless because she will “use” all the rooms
The decoration thing does sound a bit over the top. Maybe wait and see how much time your DD spends there before they commit to anything.

What are your SIL expectations about her staying over? I think it's a lovely idea but I wonder if her expectations are to have your daughter more regularly than you have in mind. I think it's that's clear it's a kind thing for her to do.

@messolini9 you do seem to be very fixated on one perspective of this situation. People post to hear a range of positions. The know they aren’t talking to one person but many. I posted about my friends situation and my take on it to offer one perspective. OP can take it or leave it...but my guess is they have misgivings because there’s something about the situation that is concerning for her....you running around calling bullshit on everything you don’t agree doesn’t really help and just sounds like rampant projection exploding all over everyone else.

My in-laws are my family, Warmfire.

I trust them with my children as much as I do my own parents/siblings.

OP can say no if she likes, in fact, she doesn't need to give a reason.

The problem on this thread is the fucked up false narrative people have created about the aunt and her intentions because she is childless and a little overbearing.

Posters are really indulging themselves.

They have also been trying for a baby for about 5 years and unfortunately it hasn't happened.
Another alarm bell!

I've been trying for years and have had 4 miscarriages. I'm getting to the age where I will give up. I haven't tried to steal my sisters baby yet.

Why are women with working reproductive organs so suspicious of women who can't have children? we are not all out to steal away your precious little dears. You have a working womb...congratulations. Move on and get over yourself.

Twice.

Why does every nice gesture have to have a sinister undertone here on MN? Goodness me be blessed your DD has family that love her.

Buy SIL a puppy, and tell her to put on a couple of kilos and chill the fuck out. Preggers in no time.

I think she’s overstepping the mark tbh. Fair enough to decorate a nice guest bedroom suitable for any guest but perhaps leaning slightly towards your dd but not a child’s bedroom exclusively for her.

It’s been 18 months since I waved goodbye to the harrowing world of infertility and this thread has brought back so many gut wrenching memories.

It took me 7 years to have DD. For the last 3 years of my infertility ‘journey’ I couldn’t bear to be around kids. I was a shit aunt despite loving them deeply.

Thank fuck my husbands wife was more understanding than you.

She’s not going to steal your kid and pretend she’s hers. Why do you take her interest as being ‘overbearing’? You sound insecure. And out of interest, have you provided any support to your SIL?

Buy SIL a puppy, and tell her to put on a couple of kilos and chill the fuck out. Preggers in no time.

This is just hideous. Would you say this to any of your friends struggling with fertility?

Sleepovers are nice I Would be happy with that, but isn't part of the fun of a sleep over that it isn't home. Blow up beds and room sharing. A bedroom of their own elsewhere says shared custody to me.

I think it's abjt odd considering she's never actually stayed over before and wouldn't regularly! But honestly thinks it's done with nice intentions

Too much.

@MartiniDry thank goodness, I often thought I was going a little mad! Although so sorry you had this too, but I breathed a bit of a sigh of relief when I read that I wasn’t the only one. No one starts off meaning harm I’m sure, but I wouldn’t underestimate gut feelings now. It got quite scary for me too, I had to consult solicitors and even women’s aid as SIL started a smear campaign, which is ongoing to this day, against me, in order to further separate me from my child. My child has special needs and was being manipulated and targeted... it’s been quite scary and very bad for my mental health, and I’m not out of it yet! I’m also trying to move far away, it’s the only way.

Hopefully the OPs situation will not end up like ours! However the red flags are the same, so I felt that I had to warn her. I also used to say ‘SIL is a little bit bossy... but otherwise lovely... she doesn’t really get DD... but I know she loves her so... ‘ so all the time I knew that she wasn’t taking the time to really get to know my DD, yet I ignored that as I felt indebted as she showered DD with gifts so I didn’t want to disappoint and went out of my way to give them a chance at a relationship. And yet DD wasn’t having a great time with her aunt as it was all about her aunt, and not her, iyswim and would come back unmanageable and hyper, from all the hyper focused attention, but without being allowed to be herself.

Looking back a ‘little bit bossy’ and overbearing are definitely worth taking seriously and checking. People who are even a little overbearing need to hear things quite clearly I think, as their nature is not to be subtle!

The problem on this thread is the fucked up false narrative people have created about the aunt and her intentions because she is childless and a little overbearing.

I agree that the aunt may have the best of intentions and it isn’t nice to say she’s definitely this or that.

However I do think it’s important to point out red flags, and the fact she aunt is overbearing, says what DD likes, and has suggested a bedroom and hasn’t got children of her own - they are all reasons to say No.

The OP has asked if she is being silly. And to advise I’ve looked at the facts that she’s described, as well as her gut feeling. So without judging the aunt, it’s not nice at all to have been trying for a child for so long, I would judge her actions and circumstances in relation to the OPs decision.

And weighing that I would strongly advise NO.

But yes I’d agree any nasty posts towards the aunt as a person aren’t on really.

I think the SIL not having children is a red herring. DS has a relative who tried to introduce me to him like we've never met every time I picked him up from her, she is a nightmare who undermines my relationship with him. I thought she was just a bit annoying and rude for a while telling me the things he likes and what he wants and needs, but now I see the whole picture.

@MartiniDry same again!
However there is a chasm the size of the Grand Canyon between the personalities and intentions of my own wonderful aunt and my children's aunt.
My aunts are the best! Especially the one without children tbh, she’s amazing. And glad so many others have good relationships with in laws too! However my child’s aunt, even now I’m sure she totally feels she is acting in the best intentions, has mucked up my child and if she’d had her way would have had me alienated from DD, sole custody with her and DH and me on medication for depression. I honestly would never ever have thought it would happen to me. And it happened very similarly to the OP. Although I’m sure I hope OPs situation is nothing like mine.

I think the SIL not having children is a red herring

I can't believe how many times we need to say this... infertile women are not trying to steal your babies.

I think it is a lovely idea.

My DSs have a room at their grandparents decorated completely in football team decor!

The more people that love your children and want to spend time with them the better in my book. I honestly don't get why this would be weird, I just think it's a nice kind thing to do.

@Nik101 I had a room in my home for my nieces. At the time we didn't have any children of our own and honestly I really wasn't trying to undermine my sister or steal her child I just loved spending time with them and it never occurred to me it was weird.
That said, I do totally get how you feel, my MIL is wonderful but she regularly does things that make me feel a bit like she is getting the grandmother/mother lines blurred a bit. It makes me uncomfortable but the kids benefit from it so I try and let it go where possible

My DD has had a room at my sisters home for the last 20 years, since she was 2.
DD has a great relationship with sisters wnole family as a result.
I think it does wonders for a childs confidence to spend time with other people who love them.
Sorry if this is harsh OP but to me you sound a bit possessive/jealous.
Your DD knows who her Mum is and will always love you more.

I know I commented earlier but felt the need to address the fact that I thought you should say no is because your SIL is overbearing and undermines you (tells you what your child wants etc). I couldn't trust someone like that to respect my boundaries and parenting decisions.

The fact that she hasnt been able to conceive doesnt come into it. Some of the comments on here again women who have struggled conceiving naturally are abhorrent and uncalled for. Your SIL obviously does on your DD and you shouldnt prevent them from having a relationship, but do so with boundaries that you are comfortable with.