SIL making bedroom for my Daughter

[Nik101]

Hi All,
Fully prepared to be told I'm being over the top but thought I'd ask for other people's opinions.

My SIL is great, she's a really lovely person, always offering to help etc however can be a little overbearing along with MIL at times, and will tell me what my Daughter (3) likes to do & how she likes things etc.

She has just purchased a really big 5 bedroom house with her partner and has asked if they can make a room for my Daughter.

My Daughter has never stayed with her previously, however I'm certainly not against her staying over every other month or so.

They have a lot of money and would be able to put together a really nice bedroom for my Daughter, however it makes me feel a little bit sick and anxious to think of someone else doing this for her and almost a bit like they are "taking over". However not sure if it just me over thinking. They have also been trying for a baby for about 5 years and unfortunately it hasn't happened, and I suppose a small part of me is worried that she would like to act as if she is a parent etc and knows it's unlikely she will ever get the opportunity to do our rooms for her own children.

Am I just being silly and over thinking or should I leave her to it?

I don’t see what the problem is. At the end of the day you decide if/how often she stays so you will always be in control. It sounds to me like she is creating a distraction for the fact that she hasn’t been able to fall pregnant yet, leave her be if it helps.

Haven’t read the thread but I think it’s really weird and I wouldn’t leave my child there. Point is she is your child not hers.

This doesn't sound right. Sounds like she will try to muscle in to have a big relationship with your daughter. I don't know if I'd be ok with that. Imagine having someone that always should your daughter in a way you can't. Now it wouldn't be a problem but when your daughter is older it could create a few family issues. She is overstepping boundaries

Spoils instead of should

Yanbu. Bit weird tbh

I say let her do it! My DD2 has spent most of the last week with her auntie while I have been in and out of a&e with DD1 with a head injury. Literal life saver to have somewhere she could easily go and be no trouble because her bed was already ready and waiting. Plus sleepovers whenever I want a night out (maybe once every 6 months!) and the kids have a room they feel safe in and that is decorated to their tastes with relevant duvet covers etc. Mine love it

A 5 Bedroom house, for two people.. 😄 I think she needs to fill the rooms, and she is probably lovely and you don’t you want to be awkward either, it is a tricky one, I won’t go into details, but had a similar scenario a few years ago... 💙

I think this is lovely for your daughter. For someone who has no kids (through choice) my nephew while not having his own room at my house, definitely saw my house as his second safe comfy home. He is now 15 and we have a fabulous auntie/nephew relationship. I have never (or wanted to be) his mum, I'm his auntie and I love that dynamic. Children being comfortable in an extended family members home/homes does wonders for their confidence. I myself grew up in a big family and had several aunties who I was just as comfortable with as my mum.
I'm now in a long term relationship where we have 2 nieces and are not even allowed to babysit them. Our older niece is terrified to even go to cinema with us. Fyi my partner has 4 girls from a previous (all grown) and would love to be close with his nieces as I am with my nephew.

@bee222

I stand by my comment that it is a horrible, hideous thing to say. It was vile enough that I see mumsnet mods have removed your comment. I truly hope you have no friends suffering with infertility - because no one suffering needs to hear your opinion.

It is a pity then, that you quoted me, because that means that my post is still up there Bite me.

Relax and let them go ahead, the more people your daughter has in her life that love her, the better 😁

A difficult one. My ex MIL was just the same about DS1 who was the only ever grandchild. I just let her get on with it in the end. I thought if you want to spend silly money, you get on with it. Now DSQ is nearly 18 he won’t go round there as they smother him & he can’t be doing with it.

I was prepared to say you were overthinking this but in reality you know her better than us and she has form for overbearing behaviour.

It's lovely she wants to do this but it's by no means the norm so you're right to be concerned... I had a friend like this who was desperate for a baby since she was 15 (yes really!) And whilst we were all buying Smash Hits and sticking the posters to our walls she was buying Mother & Baby magazine and collecting the free rattles etc. And storing them away.

She actually rang me whilst I was pregnant and living in a hostel (I had been sacked for being pregnant and thrown out by my parents and deserted by my friends) to tell me how jealous she was.

Some people just become obsessed re: babies and have no self awareness.

Just tell her it's a lovely offer but you would really rather she didn't. You don't need to give her an explanation.

You know your sister in law but my aunt did very similar for me as a child. And she had a 2 bed, sounds like you sister in law is trying to fill the space and do something nice for her niece.

Trust me your home will always be home to your dd no matter how appealing another room is!

I think I'd maybe ask that your daughter helps. So that it is the things she likes etc. Maybe even ask your daughter if she would like that and to stay over. I know she is only little but at least you are being lead by her.

Maybe even ask your daughter if she would like that and to stay over. I know she is only little but at least you are being lead by her.

But young children usually say what they think we want to hear. So if the OP suggests she stays over, her child might think the her mum wants her to, and will say yes to please her. Better to wait until she’s old enough to ask to stay over. And if that never happens, you have your answer about whether it’s right for the child.

I think it's a really nice idea. Your daughter will be happy, your SIL and brother will enjoy having her and you can have a night to yourself every so often. There isn't really a down side. You have control over how often she stays and if it's once or twice a month surely that's okay. My son is a teenager now and we are having quite a difficult relationship. I'm so glad that he's close to his auntie so that there are still some adults he can speak to. She can't have too much love.

Everyone has different family dynamics, I have an older sister, I was 15 when my nephew was born he came to stay with us when he was older but only once or twice over a few years.. even the grandparents haven’t made a room officially for my DC’s. Just Known as the spare bedrooms.. it also seems a bit deep tbh

From reading the posts where SIL tells you what your daughter likes I wonder if your gut is telling you a massive downside of your daughter's affections being bought.

Potential messages to your DD, "Sarah you can have whatever you like here, Sarah you are perfect to us, Sarah we are not strict like your mum as we have fun". Then to you, "Nik, Sarah likes cotton bedding as yours makes her itchy, Sarah likes the special chocolate cake I make, Sarah said to nanny that she would like special Saturdays here every weekend... you don't mind do you?"

Set the boundaries now!
E.g. Your DD is not choosing things for a room that she will stay in once every three months, it would be a complete waste to fashion it to her preferences. If SIL calms down once a month would be fine or more if she stops telling you what your DD thinks and you choose to

I guess it's all about boundaries. You say she's pushy and a bit over bearing. This to me rings a few alarm bells. Proceed with caution as it sounds like she might be the type to over step the mark. X

I would think just like you. I have a DS (2) and wouldn’t like the setting you described for him. Can you perhaps ask them to open a savings account for your child to be used for her education? We are very openly asking our relatives and friends not to buy presents (and a room sounds like a big present to me), but to contribute to his education saving account. It’s not a big account but we feel it goes to a good purpose.

I think you are overreacting- I think it’s a lovely gesture - wish my in-laws were this generous towards my kids. You are the mother and can say yes/no as you see fit but you come across a bit jealous in your post

I used to get sent to stay with relatives in the summer holidays as my parents worked and I wasn't able to go stay with my grandmother with my brothers. There were 3 families I stayed with more often than the others, and two of them would say "we've put you in your old room" which always made me feel so welcome and included. Of course, it wasn't my room it was just a spare room, but it was the same spare room as I always stayed in. If there were others staying as well, they'd be in other rooms.

I suspect she'll find other uses for that room if your dd's not there often but if it's decorated and furnished for her, it will make her feel happier when she does stay there.

I think you have to look at the main issue instead of the room.

She's overbearing. She tells you what your own daughter likes and wants.

This rings alarm bells. It sounds like she has a boundary issue with recognising this is your child.

Also as nice as it is to have family willing to be a part of children's lives I find it a bit odd having a dedicated room. My children when 3 would have found that strange. They have one room. Their own. In the own house.

When they go for sleepovers at family's houses it can be a dedicated 'children's room' or a spare room or even the floor of a cousins room. But they don't have another home somewhere else.

I would follow your instincts. If I had to use the word overbearing for a relative I would be very wary.

I think it's lovely. It's not that far removed from the room I had at my grandparents' house.

Like in Friends, where Ross and the 2 lesbian mums were arguing, Phoebe says she is "jealous of the child who has 3 parents who are fighting over who gets to love it the most".

It's impossible to spoil a child with too much love.

I think it's lovely! A special and fun place for your daughter to go with people who obviously love her very much. And she gets love and niceness at home too. Lucky girl!