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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL making bedroom for my Daughter

336 replies

Nik101 · 12/02/2020 16:51

Hi All,
Fully prepared to be told I'm being over the top but thought I'd ask for other people's opinions.

My SIL is great, she's a really lovely person, always offering to help etc however can be a little overbearing along with MIL at times, and will tell me what my Daughter (3) likes to do & how she likes things etc.

She has just purchased a really big 5 bedroom house with her partner and has asked if they can make a room for my Daughter.

My Daughter has never stayed with her previously, however I'm certainly not against her staying over every other month or so.

They have a lot of money and would be able to put together a really nice bedroom for my Daughter, however it makes me feel a little bit sick and anxious to think of someone else doing this for her and almost a bit like they are "taking over". However not sure if it just me over thinking. They have also been trying for a baby for about 5 years and unfortunately it hasn't happened, and I suppose a small part of me is worried that she would like to act as if she is a parent etc and knows it's unlikely she will ever get the opportunity to do our rooms for her own children.

Am I just being silly and over thinking or should I leave her to it?

OP posts:
Shinycat · 12/02/2020 22:21

Whether people like it or not.. The OP is NOT HAPPY with her SIL trying to take over, and with the way she is behaving with HER DAUGHTER.

Serious lack of critical thinking on this thread.

@DC3dilemma

@messolini9 you do seem to be very fixated on one perspective of this situation. People post to hear a range of positions. The know they aren’t talking to one person but many. I posted about my friends situation and my take on it to offer one perspective. OP can take it or leave it...but my guess is they have misgivings because there’s something about the situation that is concerning for her....

you running around calling bullshit on everything you don’t agree doesn’t really help and just sounds like rampant projection exploding all over everyone else.

This !!! ^ Couldn't have put it better myself!!!!!!

Shinycat · 12/02/2020 22:23

@Confuddledtown

I know I commented earlier but felt the need to address the fact that I thought you should say no is because your SIL is overbearing and undermines you (tells you what your child wants etc). I couldn't trust someone like that to respect my boundaries and parenting decisions.

Yep this too. I would be making sure my daughter saw a lot less of the controlling and manipulative SIL.

TheLowry · 12/02/2020 22:32

If it makes you feel uncomfortable, follow your instincts. A polite 'no thanks because it would be a lot of money to spend on a room that will get very little use' should be enough.

1forsorrow · 12/02/2020 22:35

ShinyCat has still got some capitals left. I wonder when she WILL RUN OUT.

1forsorrow · 12/02/2020 22:37

ShinyCat are you making things up, did the OP say the SIL was controlling and manipulative?

I read, My SIL is great, she's a really lovely person, always offering to help etc however can be a little overbearing along with MIL at times, and will tell me what my Daughter (3) likes to do & how she likes things etc

HOPE THAT HELPS.

KarmaStar · 12/02/2020 23:12

Perhaps you could plan it with her and say things like " we will keep it neutral in case any other family dc wish to use it" just rein her in a bit.but otherwise,if you are going to allow your dd to stay there it will comfort her to have a nicely decorated room..I think it's lovely of her and nice for all of you to have strong family bonds.I wouldn't be upset at all.

Runnerduck34 · 13/02/2020 00:12

Does she have children of her own? I would guess not and that she is trying to mother your daughter. It might be kindly meant but
It does sound ott, particularly as your daughter hasn't stayed with them before and there's no guarantee of how often she would stay when she's older.

Chocmallows · 13/02/2020 00:26

I wouldn't be comfortable with my DC having two bedrooms if one is more about them making another adult happy. My DC have two bedrooms as I co-parent with their dad, but they have genuine bedrooms as they live in both homes. If SIL was having her every week or eow because of an arrangement it would make sense, but this is a pretend bedroom. I wonder if there will be a sadness over an OTT room that is not really used that your DD will sense when she's invited to 'play' the child.

bernardswatchplease · 13/02/2020 00:42

I think some of the mums in this thread who have a huge huge problem with this were the ones who were absolutely overjoyed at having a daughter and probably have matchy names and outfits

Littlewelshridinghood · 13/02/2020 00:55

Giving her her own bedroom is a little strange imo. My DC stay over at exSIL often and they dont have their own bedrooms, they stay in the spare bedroom.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 13/02/2020 01:04

I loved setting up a room for DP's little girl. Dual purpose, but with her needs in mind.

Then her mother disappeared with her new partner, obviously taking her with them, a long way away to a new life.

I had a miscarriage shortly afterwards - I'm under no illusions that I'll ever conceive again, as it was the first time for 15 years.

Seeing that empty room felt like a knife. We changed it once I found him in there breaking his heart as well.

Pixxie7 · 13/02/2020 02:02

I think it is loverly, if they hadn’t ask you would be more suspicious but they have been open about it.
We can become possessive about our kids but they are part of a bigger family let them enjoy their niece and you enjoy the break.

Fr0g · 13/02/2020 02:16

sounds a bit weird! I'd suggest to SIL that as your daughter is unlikely to stay over often, she'd outgrow the room 'quickly' in terms of the number of times she stayed in it.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 13/02/2020 02:16

I set up my spare bedroom for my granddaughter who visits only about three times a year. Her mother is very possessive and controlling too. If I have guests it can be used as the guest room, but the decorations are unicorns and lava lamps and lots of bright colors. Totally different from the pale pink and silver grey room she has at home. Why? Because when I asked her what theme and colors she wanted turquoise and orange were requested.

LittlePaintBox · 13/02/2020 02:34

I think this would be a lovely idea for when your daughter were older. But I wouldn't want my 3 year old having regular stays with other people to the extent of having her own bedroom. I think you just have to trust your gut instincts, we're all different.

BoredOfTheBoard · 13/02/2020 04:26

Georgiagirl the OP is not possessive and controlling and the fact that your DgC stays with you 3 times a year suggests that her mother is not either. Perhaps you think that her mother shoild be giving you more timw with dgc.i was bullied into Dc staying with DGP when I worked full time when DC were small. I wanted to spend as much time as possible with them, not farm them out. yes we still saw xtended family but DC time with DP was more important.

TeddybearBaby · 13/02/2020 06:26

As much love and affection for my children is what I want.

I guess my mil / husbands side can be a little overbearing too. I couldn’t care less if they’re telling me what my daughter has done tbh. Who cares?! It’s nice that they’re interested tbh. Nothing trumps being the mum and it doesn’t matter who or what anyone says or does, that will always be the case.

I think it comes down to control (how much you need) and security (how secure you are in your own relationships).

If your sil has a baby and I really hope she does then maybe your daughter will have a special bond with her new cousin too, doesn’t have to be negative. So yeah I think it’s a lovely idea.

Original poster
Nik101 · 13/02/2020 10:07

Hi All,

Thanks for everyone's responses.

I suppose the truth is my gut feeling says "absolutely not", and I couldn't really give a definitive reason as to why. I think my main worries are that they will expect my Daughter to stay over all the time. I'm happy for a sleepover ever couple of months, however then don't want SIL bringing her back and telling me all about my Daughter (her likes/dislikes/how she likes to do things) as if I don't know her or haven't brought her up for the past 3 years. I'm also worried that my Daughter will want to stay over constantly as there will be better toys, lots of treats there etc. I want them to have a close bond, but I don't want my child practically moving in there.

Another family member asked me on SIL behalf and I just said "oh that's a nice idea" because I panicked on the spot, however I've since had messages with pics of the room saying it will be Sarah's nursery etc and it's all getting very real and makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Of course I want her to have a good relationship with both SIL and Grandparents, however they already see Daughter a couple of times a week, and they always make it clear they want even more time with her, however it's just not possible. I work full time and spend my couple of days off a week with my Daughter and I can't give that up because family want more time.

Great idea from a few people to manage expectations - I think I will say why not just do a general guest room as she will only be staying over ever other month or so. I think they would still do a room just for my Daughter regardless, but at least that way everyone will be fully aware that she won't be staying over all the time.

Thanks All

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 13/02/2020 10:32

@Nik101 - you just named your dd as Sarah in the text. Is that a alias name or her actual name - if actual you may want to ask mods to remove it for identifying purposes.

Boundaries need to be put into place now, and number of visits carefully controlled. Don’t be guilt-trapped into doing what they want. You don’t have to answer their beck and call. Maybe even cut the visits gradually down to once a week, if twice is too much.

Original poster
Nik101 · 13/02/2020 10:37

Thanks,

No don't worry, it isn't her actual name :).

Yes, I think if I just put some boundaries in place regarding how often she can stay over, then there can't be any issues.

I know they do mean well, but it's such a tough one!

OP posts:
1forsorrow · 13/02/2020 11:03

I don't think you should worry about them having "things" children don't look at it like that. I grew up in the inner city, what you would call a slum area, we didn't have alot and my mother hand to work hard, my father was chronically ill from when I was quite little. Going to auntie's was nice, a lovely house in a beautiful little town. She cooked wonderful meals and my uncle was fit and well and could play with us. Loved the visits but home is home and none of the advantages at her house made me want to live there, love them both as I did.

A sleepover every month or two isn't going to confuse her about where home is. If you like her and you think she means well just be honest about taking it slowly, your DD is only little and you aren't sure how she will cope and see how it goes. You might come to enjoy a date night with your husband every month or two and see it as a really positive thing for all of you.

Lweji · 13/02/2020 11:10

I think there's a bit more than just being your DD's room.

It may be an excuse to decorate a children's room, even though they don't have children yet.

I would wonder if they have reached a stage when they've given up, but she would still like to have a child in her life.

My main question would be what involvement would be necessary from you or your DD in building such room. Trips to shops to choose items? Visits? Or just a room that is suitable for her to stay in?

Original poster
Nik101 · 13/02/2020 11:25

I think there would be a lot of involvement in the set up of the room etc, and I think they would probably let my Daughter pick everything in there in terms of decoration.

While I can see that this is lovely for my Daughter, it makes me feel sick to think of her being really excited about a brand new room just for her and her wanting to be over there a lot.

She is an incredibly sociable child and she loves having sleepovers. She doesn't get upset or scared to go etc, she absolutely adores it. A part of me thinks oh what a great idea, it will be nice for her and another part of me thinks I'll never see her again!

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 13/02/2020 11:36

I wouldn’t want frequent sleepovers for my three year old, especially if I don’t see her very often.

Once in a while is lovely, altho I doubt my three year old would be happy to be away from her own home without us anyway.

When older I’m sure it will be nice. But if SIL is going to act like she knows best with regards your DD, you’re going to end up massively falling out.

I would say outright, exactly what you are willing for your dd and what you aren’t. And I absolutely wouldn’t compromise my own time with dd.

Singlenotsingle · 13/02/2020 11:38

I'm a grandparent and I've got a bedroom that my dgs has adopted as his own. It's "James' room", but it doesn't mean he wants to move in. He has a sleepover probably one weekend a month. As kids get a little bit older, they get their own friends from nursery and school, and the friends are what is most important, not aunts and grandparents no matter how loving they are.

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