SIL making bedroom for my Daughter

[Nik101]

Hi All,
Fully prepared to be told I'm being over the top but thought I'd ask for other people's opinions.

My SIL is great, she's a really lovely person, always offering to help etc however can be a little overbearing along with MIL at times, and will tell me what my Daughter (3) likes to do & how she likes things etc.

She has just purchased a really big 5 bedroom house with her partner and has asked if they can make a room for my Daughter.

My Daughter has never stayed with her previously, however I'm certainly not against her staying over every other month or so.

They have a lot of money and would be able to put together a really nice bedroom for my Daughter, however it makes me feel a little bit sick and anxious to think of someone else doing this for her and almost a bit like they are "taking over". However not sure if it just me over thinking. They have also been trying for a baby for about 5 years and unfortunately it hasn't happened, and I suppose a small part of me is worried that she would like to act as if she is a parent etc and knows it's unlikely she will ever get the opportunity to do our rooms for her own children.

Am I just being silly and over thinking or should I leave her to it?

I think this is a bit strange tbh OP, especially as your DD has never stayed so far.

I'd be surprised if SIL was making this bedroom with the intention of only wanting her to stay over once a month or so.

My main concern would be how much SIL may be expecting your DD to start staying over once the room is done. I wouldn't want any resentment that I'd let her spend all that money doing the room up only to find that actually I was only going to let DD stay once every few weeks.

My DD has her own room at my sisters house. Granted she is 10 and stays there for a couple of weeks every summer.
My sister and BIL absolutely adore my DD and she is very much part of their family. (they have 2 small children themselves)

I think it's a really lovely idea

Good to read your update OP. Setting boundaries and managing expectations sounds like a sensible way to go... being asked by a third party and rapid progression despite the fact that dd has not slept over there yet seem like very good reasons to slow it all down a bit to me. If a strong relationship between dd and sil builds up naturally and slowly over time in a way that you are happy with then so much the better, on the other hand if there are issues in you setting boundaries or if they were envisaging a more frequent arrangement than you would want then the sooner this is clear the better it will be for everyone.

My DD has always been treated to amazing things by my sister as they are wealthy, never once has my DD felt that her aunt was mum, or did I feel like my sister was undermining me. If you feel this way it is far more a sign of your insecurities than your SIL doing anything wrong.

@Nik101 is your Mum alive, do you have sister / brother, nieces and nephews? I think you may want to reverse/change around the roles a bit... It may give you a different perspective of this situation. I think your view of SIL and MIL is clouding your judgement on a matter that is something to do with "their relationship with your daughter". Your daughter doesnt care how you feel about the situation. She will feel the love and care poured on her which you shouldnt deny just because you feel insecure about loosing her or them taking over or "practically moving there"...

Out of almost 300 posts, noone told you go and talk to your concerns with your SIL and MIL about this issue face to face. All those offers are about tactics about how to put a all up between them and your DD and branding your SIL some childless freak... it is so sad !!

Go talk to them please or at least speak to someone professional about those feelings.... Thats the healthiest thing to do if the alternative is starting to reduce access to your DD.

Honestly this tread is shocking and some of the responses are really vile. There is no suggestion from the OP that the aunt has tried to ‘take over’
Why can’t she adopt or foster the sheer ignorance of comments like this make my blood boil, like doing so is so easy.
How can an aunt who shows love and attention be a bad thing, perhaps it shows so type of insecurities in motherhood.
I’m a childless woman who adores her nieces and nephews thankfully my sister and sil are extreamly on board and love when I have them. Am I a weirdo because I dared to buy a sponge bob duvet cover? Ffs get a grip

My SIL is great, she's a really lovely person, always offering to help etc however can be a little overbearing along with MIL at times, and will tell me what my Daughter (3) likes to do & how she likes things etc.

It’s in the op.

Op goes on to say it’s her gut instinct- and we all know that this is something relevant and important to listen to.

If op isn’t comfortable with this, it’s ok to say no or even to say nothing but not facilitate it.

It IS weird. Why have a room specifically for a person who doesn’t live there and never will? Why not just make the bedroom a guest room...

I’m a childless woman who adores her nieces and nephews thankfully my sister and sil are extreamly on board and love when I have them. Am I a weirdo because I dared to buy a sponge bob duvet cover? Ffs get a grip

So you can identify with the SIL who has no children of her own, but not with the OP, who is the one who’s posted for advice. Obviously that’s not really going to help the OP, is it?

I’m a childless woman who adores her nieces and nephews thankfully my sister and sil are extreamly on board and love when I have them. Am I a weirdo because I dared to buy a sponge bob duvet cover? Ffs get a grip

But its not up to you to tell the OP how she should feel. Clearly, there is something that the SIL is doing that makes the OP feel uncomfortable. She even says "however can be a little overbearing along with MIL at times, and will tell me what my Daughter (3) likes to do & how she likes things etc". That would piss me off too. You dont tell other people how to parent their own child. The OP is entitled to her feelings. I'm sure you wouldnt take kindly to someone telling you to "get a grip" about a topic that made you feel sensitive and raw.

I completely agree with @TheWaveReturnsToTheOcean

You will always be your DD's mum and as such you are irreplaceable. So any envy is not warranted, honestly. I would give my eye-teeth for any respite/babysitting, knowing my child would be as loved as yours will be. It is lovely they are doing that for her, it really is. It is also nice for you to have a break and nice for your kid to have a cool auntie and nice for your brother and SIL to have your child over and then be able to give her back Really, any reaction other than How lovely! is just insecurity which is not needed as you and her Dad are the most important in her life. Now go and plan a date night!

Honestly, nobody could or will replace you for your DD. Yes she might be super excited about her new room and love sleepovers etc, but trust me she will want to come back to you! This sounds more like insecurity on your part than anything sinister on your SIL's side. You are quite entitled to decline a sleepover invite any time, no problem saying to them "oh sorry, I want her to myself this weekend!" in a breezy fashion. But you might well be delighted to have the option of a child-free night every so often so don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

@familyofAliens

So you can identify with the SIL who has no children of her own, but not with the OP, who is the one who’s posted for advice. Obviously that’s not really going to help the OP, is it?

It kind of helps to OP, because @Astella22 says "i am a bit like SIL and my sister and SIL dont freak out about it".... so thats a comparison and an advice for OP.

Are you expecting only people who is exactly in the same position as OP to give advice? That doesnt bring any perspective and different view point to the table imo...

Poor SIL asked a question about using a room in her large house for her niece so far, thats all she has done. People are acting like she unveilled a temple in her garden with that kids photos surrounded with candles and flowers....

It is perhaps a bit over excited / over bearing of SIL. I doubt it's sinister though. She probably just has more rooms than she knows what to do with.

Op I'm asking this in the kindest way I can, are you feeling insecure about your relationship with DD? I have a 3yo too I don't imagine he'd ever prefer being with anyone else but me at this age so this wouldn't bother me if you see what I mean.

I think there would be a lot of involvement in the set up of the room etc, and I think they would probably let my Daughter pick everything in there in terms of decoration.

This wouldn’t be good for your daughter. She would feel the expectations as much as you do, however be too I’m immature to be able to process them. She would then expect to sleep over, and would guilt trip you, her mother, if say it wasn’t working out or you didn’t feel that she was ready.

You the mother should lead this, or not at all.

I agree that if you can I’d talk very directly to SIL and don’t feel bad at all about drawing a line and saying no. She will respect you more and your relationship will be better for it. If she doesn’t respect you more then you will know that this was definitely coming from a needy and overbearing place. So important to do this. I’d urge you to be pull the brakes on more than you feel is ‘polite’. She has all of DDs lifetime to get to know her, these very young years she needs her mum and security and no emotional pulls that don’t happen naturally and organically.

Also I do not think you are insecure AT all OP. These instincts are healthy and good, they are not jealousy or insecurity. You are probably just a nice person who doesn’t like letting other people down, however your DD is your first priority which is what your gut is telling you.

Poor SIL asked a question about using a room in her large house for her niece so far, thats all she has done. she didn’t ask the OP. OP had it transmitted through a third party. She was caught off guard. It was presented as a ‘done deal’ despite the fact that DD is 3 and has never stayed over, and no discussion about staying over.

Also when my ds's overbearing relatives told me what he likes/ what he can do now etc I wish I'd just mentioned that I've met him before and I know what he likes, being his Mother. I was too passive and I wonder if things would have got so bad for me if I'd not enabled these things so much.
Speak your mind. Good luck.

Some awful responses on here. She is your dd’s aunt, it’s a lovely gesture and so nice that your SIL wants to be so involved in your dd’s life. What’s the worst that could happen...........is there a massive backstory as to why you are uncomfortable with this?

I have no idea about you SILs intentions but always best to talk about these things face to face.

My DGPs had a similar room, initially it was known as DGC1s room but as more of us arrived it was more of a child guest room. My DGP stored our toys and coloring things in it when we weren't there, there was a bunk bed and we each had our own set of bedding to make the room 'ours' if we were staying overnight, or more frequently needing a nap whilst they looked after us during the day.

As an aside, now that I am an adult I know that my mum found my grandmother overbearing and I have been witness to and the recipitant of similar comments when I became a mum.
However, she's long dead now and I don't remember any of the negativity from her as a child just the excitement of staying over and the things I got to do there that I didn't do at home. All the bad stuff my mum dealt with went over my head.

@bee222

This is just hideous. Would you say this to any of your friends struggling with fertility?

I agree that if you can I’d talk very directly to SIL and don’t feel bad at all about drawing a line and saying no. She will respect you more and your relationship will be better for it.

I agree with that. I think that when people love other people's children, there will be moments when they will overstep the mark, whether it's with good or not so good intentions. My exSIL already promised my son a trip to their native country where the father who abandonned him lives with his manipulative wife. I found out from my son, he was very excited...And I mentionned previously, he almost doesn't see my exSIL anymore because she's busy with her grandchild and life in general.
My own sister tried to undermine me.
My teenage stepdaughter tried to undermine me and I was made to feel ridiculous.
These things happen and when we are too polite or nice to say anything, they escalate. So make sure that you whenever you don't like something, you say it. Yes, some people will make you feel ridiculous, of course, you are in their way. But it's your life and you live it the way you want, otherwise, you will be frustrated.
And also explain to your daughter that she has a home if she asks to go to her aunt's place too often for your taste. That's what I'm doing with my son now that he wants to sleep over in friend's houses because it's "more fun" there.
And I would definetely tell your SIL that you know your daughter, so thanks for her advice. It annoys you? Put a stop to it and she might understand your limits. (I'm still working on my SD who doesn't seem to get that disciplining my toddler is not her job, sometimes it takes a long time).

@bee222

This is just hideous. Would you say this to any of your friends struggling with fertility?

If I though that they needed to hear it, yes. Not just anyone "struggling with (in)fertility" though, obvs.

Are you expecting only people who is exactly in the same position as OP to give advice? That doesnt bring any perspective and different view point to the table imo...

You’ve misunderstood. The poster I quoted said she has no children of her own and because her in-laws are delighted with her having her nieces and nephews over to stay she is unable to understand the OP’s point of view. That’s why her post was unhelpful.

@GeorgiaLove

If I though that they needed to hear it, yes. Not just anyone "struggling with (in)fertility" though, obvs.

I stand by my comment that it is a horrible, hideous thing to say. It was vile enough that I see mumsnet mods have removed your comment. I truly hope you have no friends suffering with infertility - because no one suffering needs to hear your opinion.

No need to @ me

I had two nieces lose their mum while I was experiencing infertility. I had to work very hard at staying appropriate when all I wanted to do was scoop them up and take over. Your SIL is being a bit pushy and needs to get a grip and find how to be an appropriate aunt.