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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving money to DC but not Step DC

510 replies

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:07

I was in an accident and received a small amount of compensation. I want to treat my DC to a little shopping trip to get her some things she likes.

DH thinks if I do that I need to split it three ways between our joint DD and his two other DC, my stepsons.

AIBU to not do this? It's not a huge amount and I would like to treat my daughter/have a day out with her myself. If I split it three ways there'd be no point.

I've said to DH if he wants to give my step children some money he can do so but I'd like to do this with our daughter with the money I've received.

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes. All kids are taken out regularly, have clothes bought for them, I buy my stepsons things regularly if I see something they'd like, go on family holidays every year together etc... They are not hard done to at all.

OP posts:
SunshineAngel · 12/02/2020 21:10

My god, I don't even know why, but I've just sat and read this full thread.

I know the majority of people seem to think OP is doing the right thing (as do I), but FFS, the number of people who are saying things like "But it's not FAIR for you to say you're not spending a penny on your stepsons!!"

I will shout this, on the off chance anyone reads it before posting ..

SHE IS PAYING TO TAKE THEM ALL INCLUDING THE BOYS ON HOLIDAY WITH THE REST OF THE MONEY.
The day with her DD is just with what's left.

For goodness sake.

I don't know why I even come on this site sometimes. As a stepmum myself I'm just flamed before I've even written a thread title - or it seems that way anyway!

WarrenNicole · 12/02/2020 21:13

It’s beyond me why anyone thinks step children are owed everyone else’s money

Because it’s NOT FAIR!

PlanDeRaccordement · 12/02/2020 21:14

SHE IS PAYING TO TAKE THEM ALL INCLUDING THE BOYS ON HOLIDAY WITH THE REST OF THE MONEY.

Where was that said? The OP said she used the bulk of the money to pay off credit card debt and this is the amount left over.
Did she change her story halfway through the thread?

PlanDeRaccordement · 12/02/2020 21:16

See OP stated:
Fetchit Wed 12-Feb-20 14:19:42
And no it's not a huge amount as PP said. Couple of hundred pounds. The rest was used to pay off our credit card which again wasn't a huge amount but worth doing.

So where is this holiday money coming from?

getyourarseoffthequattro · 12/02/2020 21:20

50% from op 50% from husband?

Wanteddownunder · 12/02/2020 21:21

I think the op said the credit card bill was for the holiday last year

Lollypop701 · 12/02/2020 21:22

The credit card bill was from the last family holiday... which included all of ops family so yes her dsc were there.

insideoutsider · 12/02/2020 21:24

I'm a step-child and YANBU!

The other children's mom gets to spend HER personal money on HER children. She probably has savings accounts for them too. It doesn't matter whether your daughter is feeling great or not. You get to spend YOUR personal money on YOUR CHILD. The step kids don't even live with you. Your husband should be splitting his money across all 3 children.

If you look at what all 3 children have in life, your husband is expecting that your child has less because she'll have to share every thing with 2 step siblings, while they'll have a portion of their dad's and their moms.

You need to start discussing inheritance if you haven't started. Your step kids will have inheritance from their dad + you and separate inheritance from their mom. Your daughter will have just inheritance from their dad + you. That can't be fair.

Perhaps you can do your day out when they are with their mom.

PlanDeRaccordement · 12/02/2020 21:25

Yes, I saw that the OP said the DSCs go on a family holiday every year with them. But paying off last year’s regular annual family holiday is hardly the same thing as saying she is using the money to take them all on a holiday (future tense, and implying it’s an extra holiday). She’s not, she’s paying off debt.

That’s like saying she’s using the money to buy the boys gifts when really all she’s doing is paying off credit card debt from Christmas.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 12/02/2020 21:26

I often take one of my children out separately from the other, there's an age gap and they're opposite genders so have few interests in common. It's fine! Treat your daughter. If your husband wants to have a boys day with his sons then he can

getyourarseoffthequattro · 12/02/2020 21:27

If its on her credit card she presumably paid for it in the first place.

That was her, doing a nice thing, for the boys.

AlexaAmbidextra · 12/02/2020 21:32

For sure - treat your daughter - but make sure that your partner brings out the boys on the day to do something

It isn’t up to OP to ensure that her DH takes his sons out.

Fedupofdoingit · 12/02/2020 21:38

My godson married a girl who already had a dd. They then had a ds and dd together. He loved them all and treated them equally. The difference was seen at Christmas, when dsd got 2 seperate lots ouf presents i.e. twice as much as her half db and ds! That’s when resentment starts. Why has my ds got a new phone and an iPad, when I only got 1 main present? Is that fair?

I suspect this happens with op’s dss’! The dss’ will get twice the money spent on them as op’s dd gets spent on her! They will get 2 sets of Birthday and Christmas presents, as well as 2 sets of holidays. Yet some people (like manta) think it is unfair that for once op’s (and her dh’s) dd gets something for herself! Does anyone really think it is fair on op’s dd that she grows up only getting half the treats her half siblings get?

She see’s them getting twice the presents and treats she gets? They can show off all the extra treats they get, that she doesn’t? She has to stay at home when they are on holiday with their mother! She can’t go on treats then, as she has to wait until they come back from their holiday so they can share the treat! That she can never get something just for herself as that wouldn’t be fair on her step siblings? That’s the way to ensure that things really aren’t fair!

@Fetchit make sure you do treat your dd to a lovely mother and daughter day! It is fair and will be a lovely day out and you both deserve it!

Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 21:56

To clarify, as I said in my previous post, the holiday is for this year (not been yet but booked for summer). We used the credit card to book it and I have now paid that off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 21:57

make sure that your partner brings out the boys on the day to do something

I've told him to do that. It's not up to me to arrange that for him though.

OP posts:
Fedupofdoingit · 12/02/2020 22:02

@PlanDeRaccordement Wed 12-Feb-20 21:14:15
“SHE IS PAYING TO TAKE THEM ALL INCLUDING THE BOYS ON HOLIDAY WITH THE REST OF THE MONEY.

Where was that said? The OP said she used the bulk of the money to pay off credit card debt and this is the amount left over.
Did she change her story halfway through the thread?

If you had bothered to RTFT, or even the OP’s posts, you would have read that the OP had said this -
“I've already spent it on the family by paying off our debt (which was partly formed by out summer holiday this year which step sons will be coming on as they always do).”

So in reality she has paid for the upcoming holiday, which the dss’ are going on and therefore the dss’ are getting more than just a little treat out of the OP’s money, aren’t they??

Fedupofdoingit · 12/02/2020 22:03

Sorry op, cross posted. Have a lovely day out with your dd.

MrsP2015 · 12/02/2020 22:14

Not read all the replies but I'm not sure if anyone would have looked at things from this angle...

Think of all the times your dd has had to hear about / see the new things her step brothers have from their mum- as well as then again at your home.
I do think sometimes the kids with mum and dad together at home are seen to be ok because they have 2 parents but poor step/ half siblings are left to struggle. I'm not saying it's not shit for them but the non-step child didn't choose to be just that.

Take her out guilt free!!!!!!!

timeisnotaline · 12/02/2020 22:23

Just go op, this thread is ridiculous! My two nieces were away this weekend on a daddy daughter camp. Their brother stayed at his grandmas so mum could go out too! These posters would have him an abandoned neglected child with his sisters having a treat and him getting sent off to be babysat. Fair is not equal. Ask your dh if the boys like football but dd doesn’t how will it work? No one is allowed to go to a match because everyone won’t enjoy it? Or will he consider taking them because ... it’s the bloody normal thing to do? I’d say if you don’t go on your girls day out there will be no family outings that don’t please everyone. If he plays a sport or has a hobby, suggest he cancel it. If everyone can’t do it, no one does it.

cstaff · 12/02/2020 23:04

OP for your own sanity stop reading this thread. What you are doing with your dd is perfect and I hope you have a fab day. I'm sure your 2 sons will survive whether they spend it with their mum or dad.

WidowTwonky · 12/02/2020 23:11

Did I read that your SS only come to yours 2/3 days per week? In which case surely your DD already gets plenty of 1-1 time with you? Apologies if I’ve mis-remembered that

funinthesun19 · 12/02/2020 23:21

Did I read that your SS only come to yours 2/3 days per week? In which case surely your DD already gets plenty of 1-1 time with you?

That doesn’t mean she’s not allowed to go to places with her DD. 1-1 time during the week with school and work in the way isn’t exactly the same as 1-1 time for the full day doing something they enjoy together.
And if the SSs are there 3 days a week, that’s almost half of the week. It’s not exactly once a fortnight is it?

pumpkinpie01 · 12/02/2020 23:49

Of course you should have a day out with your dd paid for by whatever means you decide. She is 7 and has/is being bullied at school she deserves a day out being treated. I presume as some of the credit card is now paid off there is nothing stopping the DH using some of that extra money and treating his boys if he really feels they are hard done by but it definitely sounds like they aren't by any means. All dc , whether half or full can't be treated the same all the time.

10FrozenFingers · 13/02/2020 08:36

Your DH is a bit of a prick, OP. But you know that.

Lordamighty · 13/02/2020 08:45

You don’t need anyone’s permission to take your DD out for the day.