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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Giving money to DC but not Step DC

510 replies

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:07

I was in an accident and received a small amount of compensation. I want to treat my DC to a little shopping trip to get her some things she likes.

DH thinks if I do that I need to split it three ways between our joint DD and his two other DC, my stepsons.

AIBU to not do this? It's not a huge amount and I would like to treat my daughter/have a day out with her myself. If I split it three ways there'd be no point.

I've said to DH if he wants to give my step children some money he can do so but I'd like to do this with our daughter with the money I've received.

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes. All kids are taken out regularly, have clothes bought for them, I buy my stepsons things regularly if I see something they'd like, go on family holidays every year together etc... They are not hard done to at all.

OP posts:

angell84 · 12/02/2020 20:24

I can see why you would want to do it. Treat your daughter. Just be aware of how the other children feel , and that they get something on the day aswell - from your partner.

I am just thinking here about my uncle, he was a stepchild, and he told me that his stepmother used to bring out her two real children for treats, and leave him and the other stephild at home. He was still upset about it as an adult

aSofaNearYou · 12/02/2020 20:26

DD is nothing to do with SDC's Mum, whereas OP is SDC's stepparent? How do people even work with this logic? To say that she'd be entitled to inheritance from her father's ex partner?? What planet are you on?

Yes that would be ridiculous, but some of us think it is equally ridiculous for it to be expected that a step parent will leave their own personal inheritance to their step children. They are just as much not my children, them being "something" to me does not make them my actual children and those are the only people I have a financial obligation to.

HillAreas · 12/02/2020 20:26

To say that she'd be entitled to inheritance from her father's ex partner?? What planet are you on?
She’s equally as entitled to inherit from her half siblings other parent as any other child in this blended family. That’s to say she isn’t entitled at all and neither should her brothers be.

angell84 · 12/02/2020 20:28

I think why this thread is upsetting people - is that there are many, many stories of stepmothers treating children not the same as their own children.

For sure - treat your daughter - but make sure that your partner brings out the boys on the day to do something

getyourarseoffthequattro · 12/02/2020 20:28

Thats not whats happening here.

CatalogueUniverse · 12/02/2020 20:28

It’s about overall fairness.
The boys presumably have stuff/activities etc from their mum at their house.

The girl though, she must have no more from her parents than the boys receive from their Dad and stepmum.

How is this fair?

Original poster

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 20:30

I'm not going to spend £200 on clothes/toys. I wanted to take her out for the day as in go somewhere she enjoys, not just buy her things.

If there's money left over then great, we can all go cinema or have a pizza night with it I'm not bothered. But I didn't want to split it equally three ways or do one big family day out with it which is what DH is suggesting.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 20:33

And the reason I don't want to spend it on a big family day out is because I think DD deserves to be my focus for a day with what she's going through and she should have a day doing what she enjoys by herself for once. Not where we are having to consider what everyone else wants to do as well.

OP posts:

TheTruthAboutLove · 12/02/2020 20:35

Do you think it may just be because of how it’s been phrased by you to your DP?

I could imagine saying, on Saturday me and DD are going to have a girly day. And I’d imagine your DP wouldn’t say a word about it other than to have a good time - for some reason it’s the phrasing of you keeping your money to spend on your DD for a treat that is getting his back up.

Maybe if you just forgot about the money element, tell him you’ve put it in your savings and you’re taking your DD out, it might just all blow over.

MRex · 12/02/2020 20:35

@Fetchit - the trouble is that people will keep giving you opinions. You know you're quite correct to give your DD a one-off treat when the DSSs are with their mum, so just go ahead and do it. Your DH should set up an outing for the 3 of them too, a trip to the woods for a walk and some ball games or playground with hot chocolate and nice snacks needn't cost much at all and they'd all enjoy it.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/02/2020 20:35

The difference with inheritance imo is that it is classed as a marital asset. If a man were to keep his inheritance there would be an outpouring of LTB. I don't see it should be any different for the female. If he were to die first and left everything to his wife she could then leave it all to her child and exclude the sc altogether. If she dies first then she has to leave a share to her DD if she wants her to have it as her DH could just split it between all children.

Original poster

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 20:36

Just be aware of how the other children feel , and that they get something on the day aswell - from your partner

This is why I've suggested DH do something with them himself if he thinks he should and I'll leave that to him on this occasion as their dad but apparently that's wrong because I wouldn't be paying for it.

OP posts:

SpillTheTea · 12/02/2020 20:37

There's nothing wrong with spending it on a day out with your daughter. Your DH is being ridiculous.

MRex · 12/02/2020 20:38

Just wondering. Is the issue that DH has been running his mouth off and promised something to the boys that will cost money?

Sickofrain · 12/02/2020 20:39

OP, just go. Treat you DD and have a fab day. It doesn't matter what random people on the Internet think, you know your family.

iolaus · 12/02/2020 20:40

I wonder if part of the problem is the way it's being presented as 'buying something for DD' rather than YOUR treat is a girls (mother/daughter) shopping day - the lunch etc and the experience being a lot of it
If while you are shopping you buy some things for your DD then fine (and I would likely come away with something for each of the boys and your DH too - even if it's something small)

If possible I probably would arrange the day on a day when the boys weren't staying at yours unless DH was doing something with them on that day

RaaRaaeee · 12/02/2020 20:40

You are having a girly day out to cheer up your daughter!! I don’t see a problem with that at all. Sounds like you are a lovely step mum OP. ..I also think that if all three children were biologically yours, then your husband wouldn’t see a problem with you treating your daughter either, he is trying to be ultra fair (which is commendable) but he is failing to see that fairness isn’t always about treating children exactly equally every time, it’s also about their own personal needs and occasionally spoiling them individually is fine and healthy! If one of your SSs went through a rough patch then hopefully your husband would behave in a similar manner with your support (which you have made clear he would have) so wheres the problem. Hope you have a lovely day shopping x

CatalogueUniverse · 12/02/2020 20:42

Fetchit you are doing nothing wrong. And you shouldn’t feel like you are.

Sounds like you should be doing more 1:1 with your DD to up her support during a horrible time at school. Money isn’t the issue there, it’s making her a priority, giving her time and support when she really needs it. Sounds like the money is a red herring tbh.

It’s not about using the money for the family, it’s about you feeling like your DH isn’t recognising your DD needs while he is thinking about family fairness.

Lollypop701 · 12/02/2020 20:43

Ffs! Go on the girls day out. I’d start Demanding your dh makes sure everything is equal for all 3 kids. . so if his 2 boys go to cinema on the day they’re with their mum, then your dc goes To the cinema too so she is treated the same. Effectively if you can only do things all together then your dd is missing out. The boys would understand you and dh having days out when they’re not with you, especially if it’s girl based stuff. Your dh is focusing too much on equal rather than fair... at the expense of his dd because she will eventually see that her dsb got stuff with their mum that she was ‘allowed’ with her mum.

Lollypop701 · 12/02/2020 20:45

Was not allowed!

billy1966 · 12/02/2020 20:49

OP, be glad this has come up and you can see how ridiculous your husband is being.

The absolute cheek of him thinking he can dictate to you how you spend time with your daughter.

Agreed to disagree and tell him take a hike.

Have a good think about how your DD who is going through such a hard time isn't deserving of a little special time.

This could well come up again if you let his bullshit ideas about how you spend time with your child.

You sound like a wonderful SM who cares deeply for her SC.

Have a lovely day with your daughter.

I would feel very, very protective of my child if their father was such an unfeeling twat.

lboogy · 12/02/2020 20:50

YANBU

funinthesun19 · 12/02/2020 20:53

Just be aware of how the other children feel , and that they get something on the day aswell - from your partner

Why will the boys be upset about their dad’s wife going on a girly day with their much younger sister?
Why the pandering when there’s no need?

HillAreas · 12/02/2020 20:57

The difference with inheritance imo is that it is classed as a marital asset.
My solicitor advised me that I could ring fence my inheritance from my grandparents before I married DH and we bought our house. I chose not to. The lions share is in the equity in the house (which we own equally despite the entire deposit coming from me) and the residue is in stocks and shares in my maiden name and exactly where my grandparents put it when I was still a child. That will be for my children, if it survives my old age.
I don’t feel my DSD is owed my grandparents money. She will inherit some via my DHs share, but she’s not my child so I’m not leaving her anything directly beyond a few trinkets.
I’d say the same about a man in my position. It’s beyond me why anyone thinks step children are owed everyone else’s money.

funinthesun19 · 12/02/2020 21:03

It’s beyond me why anyone thinks step children are owed everyone else’s money.

It’s because their parents are no longer together and this means everyone owes them everything.

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