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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving money to DC but not Step DC

510 replies

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:07

I was in an accident and received a small amount of compensation. I want to treat my DC to a little shopping trip to get her some things she likes.

DH thinks if I do that I need to split it three ways between our joint DD and his two other DC, my stepsons.

AIBU to not do this? It's not a huge amount and I would like to treat my daughter/have a day out with her myself. If I split it three ways there'd be no point.

I've said to DH if he wants to give my step children some money he can do so but I'd like to do this with our daughter with the money I've received.

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes. All kids are taken out regularly, have clothes bought for them, I buy my stepsons things regularly if I see something they'd like, go on family holidays every year together etc... They are not hard done to at all.

OP posts:
Jessie9323 · 13/02/2020 08:50

I think it's fine! I have a sister and my mum takes us out separately and buys us thing etc. It evens itself out overtime. I also don't understand why it would even be brought up to your DSC for them to feel any kind of way about it. If it happens when you and your DD are out together then it doesn't need to be made into a big thing IMO

chuttypicks · 13/02/2020 09:23

YANBU. In fact, you are absolutely 100% correct in everything you've said across all points made. Do take your DD out and have a girly day. If your DH wants to, he can take the boys out as you've said many times. Perfectly fine and perfectly fair. Don't let preachy people on here make you believe that you're even remotely in the wrong because, quite obviously, you are not at all.

Have a great day with your DD.

Original poster
Fetchit · 13/02/2020 09:24

Did I read that your SS only come to yours 2/3 days per week? In which case surely your DD already gets plenty of 1-1 time with you?

Yes, but as I've said in my other posts she doesn't get very much quality 1-1 time with me. I'm not counting just being at home with us after school in the week.

OP posts:
iStruggleWithThePast · 13/02/2020 11:35

They dont live with you so although you are family its not treating one DC and not the others, its a mum wanting to treat her DC, their dad or mum can treat them cant they.

I wouldnt feel bad, as you said they wouldnt even have to know and are they going to be bothered their sister had a day out anyway?

I remember growing up have dad & daughter days out for example where my dad would take me out and my brother would stay home and then other times where my mum would have a mum/son day out etc... I guess I just saw it as normal

My family didnt do this but DP and i do, its nice for the kids to have one to one time with their mum n dad without someone else taking up attention

Vandree · 13/02/2020 15:15

OP I was following this thread yesterday and can't believe its going on. You are doing totally the right thing and in fact you would do you daughter a disservice by not giving her the one on one time you obviously both need. If there were no step children involved none of this converstation would be happening. People are overthinking it to the nth degree. I have 3 children and I always make sure to do special days out with my kids seperately to suit their needs and interests. Where the money came from isn't as important as your dh not "allowing" you to bring out your daughter for a treat. He needs to realise that in his need for fairness and everyone to get the same that they aren't going to get what they need, and the one who will suffer the most is your daughter. You don't need to ask anyones permission .

Go have your day with your daughter and let your daughter pick out a small gift for her brothers and get them a pizza. I bet they would be more than happy. If my 10 year old can understand why her sister sometimes gets an afternoon out with me when its needed then your dh can act his age too.

Boysnme · 13/02/2020 15:29

OP please go on your day out with your DD and worry no more about it.

I totally get fairness but surely this is spread over a period of time. I can’t imagine buying something for one of my kids and thinking oh wait I must buy something for the other, even though he doesn’t need it, just because I’ve bought for one.

Thisisnotreallymyname · 13/02/2020 17:27

I’d think of it as a girlie day out.
I would do it.

MrsBadcrumble123 · 13/02/2020 17:28

I think it’s a bit mean especially if you get on with his sons - not really a great attitude for a conducive relationship imo

Honestyisalwaysthebestpolicy · 13/02/2020 17:31

I don’t think there is anything wrong with you doing that. It’s not about her being your daughter and them being your stepsons, it’s just that she’s a girl and you want a day with her. I have 2 son’s and they don’t always get when the other does. I hate this idea that you have to give to them all. Mine are raised to know that they will get when they need and never question it when the other gets something. Similarly I will take 1 somewhere and not the other. It’s no big deal, they both know they will get their turn.

Alleycat1 · 13/02/2020 17:53

The boys have 3 people to spoil them: you, your husband and his ex. Your daughter just has 2. If your husband's ex had a spare £200 would she include your daughter in the day out? If the answer is no......

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/02/2020 17:55

I can't believe this is still going when the only answer you should have got from anyone with half a brain is go out and enjoy your day with your dd.

lynney88 · 13/02/2020 18:01

I think YABU

You'd all be up in arms if it was the DPs cash and the DD was left out. If you all live together they all get treated the same. It's simple.

There is no his sons and your daughter it's only your family

Localocal · 13/02/2020 18:02

Ive got three DC and three DSCs and I usually come down on the side of the stepchildren in things like this. But I think in your situation you are quite reasonable. Just say "we girls need a girly day sometimes" and sail out the door. Your stepsons won't question it for a second because it's a girl thing. And they probably won't even register it if it's on a day they are with their mum. And if it's a day when they are with you then your husband can take them out to do "guy things" that day. Your husband should relax and enjoy having a day with his boys or a day to himself. You don't have to treat every child the same to treat them equally.

DishingOutDone · 13/02/2020 18:03

@ZeroFuchsGiven I think most of us know that, but some posters are being deliberately obtuse suggesting that the little DD should not be allowed this and refused that Sad

Its almost as if the boys need to be encouraged to resent her?

I'm still waiting for an answer to my suggestion to give the money to charity so all the children can go without. Mind you that then leaves the £70 jumpers the boys got - their own mother now needs to buy OP's DD a £35 jumper, or give her the cash, or get a pair of scissors and start apportioning arms. Because no one in their right mind could call it "fair" otherwise eh?

DishingOutDone · 13/02/2020 18:04

If you all live together they all get treated the same. It's simple. - they don't all live together.

Hsldl · 13/02/2020 18:05

@lynney88 her DD is also her DPs DD though, these aren't her sons. They don't live together and its mum's money that she got from an accident, she can do what she likes with it. Did your parents never just take one of you out at a time every now and then for special one on one time? should the step children's mother be expected to fork out for OP's DD too if "it's all family"? I wouldn't be in the slightest bit bothered if my DC's step mum did this.

MadamShazam · 13/02/2020 18:06

Its totally fine, yanbu at all! They have a Mum to treat them.

albertselephants · 13/02/2020 18:09

So Christmas comes and you and DH spend £50 on each child. That's fair, because you have spent the same amount on each child.

Boxing day, step kids go to their mums and get another £50 worth of toys each. Your DD gets nothing extra on boxing day. Is it still fair?

The problem that most blended families is that fairness is subjective and even when it seems fair, from another perspective it probably isn't.

I'd do the girly day without a second thought.

Iriahm · 13/02/2020 18:18

What an odd thing! I regularly spend 1:2:1 time with each of my kids (4 of them!) as well as group activities. Last time I went with oldest daughter to cinema and lunch, will go out with eldest son soon too. It’s not favouritism, just spreading the quality time around. DH is the same and it’s important to us that it happens. Same as date night for us

Cockadoodledooo · 13/02/2020 18:20

I admit I know nothing of step-parenting, but I do have 2 dc. They get separate days out/one on one fairly regularly and neither have complained or been upset at missing out. The last 2 inset days (different schools) have been ds2 opting for a day trip to London - long trip and £££ - whereas ds1 (16) opted for staying home and watching movies together (Holy Grail and Die Hard) with buckets of popcorn. As I said, both had fun and neither begrudged the other.

So yep, it's a non-issue to me. @Fetchit take your DD out and enjoy the day.

Beansandcoffee · 13/02/2020 18:23

Non blended families often have mum and daughter spa days etc. I really don’t see this being any different. I certainly don’t treat my two kids exactly the same. If one needs new shoes I don’t give the other one the money.

juneo63 · 13/02/2020 18:25

Your not being unreasonable at all, do it 😁

Havana7 · 13/02/2020 18:26

YANBU they have a mum to treat them or your DH. Go and have a lovely day with your DD.

ToftyAC · 13/02/2020 18:29

Is there enough money to have your girly day with your DD and choose a little treat or two for your DSCs to bring back from your girly day? Nothing expensive, just a little something they’d like.... personally I don’t think YABU. I have 2 DSs... the youngest lives with me and his dad, the eldest lives with his dad. I treat them equally but DP always encourages me to have specific days or lunches out with DS1. He’d never begrudge it. We have just days out with DS2 without DS1 because there’s s 12 year age gap.

FelicisNox · 13/02/2020 18:35

Where the money has come from is irrelevant.

If you want a day out with your DD just the 2 of you, do it. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone.

Your only mistake here was asking DH thoughts. You've accidentally made it an issue when it's not and actually I suspect your DH might be a tad jealous of your little windfall.

He's being unreasonable and I'm sure he knows this so why else would he push this agenda when it's really not appropriate?

Like I said. You're allowed a day out with DD on your own. No explanation is necessary.