Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving money to DC but not Step DC

510 replies

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:07

I was in an accident and received a small amount of compensation. I want to treat my DC to a little shopping trip to get her some things she likes.

DH thinks if I do that I need to split it three ways between our joint DD and his two other DC, my stepsons.

AIBU to not do this? It's not a huge amount and I would like to treat my daughter/have a day out with her myself. If I split it three ways there'd be no point.

I've said to DH if he wants to give my step children some money he can do so but I'd like to do this with our daughter with the money I've received.

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes. All kids are taken out regularly, have clothes bought for them, I buy my stepsons things regularly if I see something they'd like, go on family holidays every year together etc... They are not hard done to at all.

OP posts:
SimplySteveRedux · 13/02/2020 18:35

If you do this then your stepsons will grow up resenting your daughter, and (insert appropriate word here, I was going to say hating but though maybe a bit strong a word) you.

AlexaAmbidextra · 13/02/2020 18:41

If you do this then your stepsons will grow up resenting your daughter, and (insert appropriate word here, I was going to say hating but though maybe a bit strong a word) you.

She has one day out with her own daughter and the boys will resent the DD and hate OP? Don’t be utterly ridiculous.

aSofaNearYou · 13/02/2020 18:43

Her step sons will grow up hating her and their sister because she took her out shopping when they weren't there? Absolutely ridiculous.

Mummyontherocks · 13/02/2020 18:43

All the children have two parents each - should the boys' mum not be allowed to do anything with her boys without including their half sister? Just go out and have a lovely time with your DD, OP.

JacquesHammer · 13/02/2020 18:46

If you do this then your stepsons will grow up resenting your daughter, and (insert appropriate word here, I was going to say hating but though maybe a bit strong a word) you

Because of one trip? I think hyperbole isn’t helpful.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/02/2020 18:47

If you do this then your stepsons will grow up resenting your daughter, and (insert appropriate word here, I was going to say hating but though maybe a bit strong a word) you.

Utter Bullshit. They get twice as much as the Daughter ffs.

Warmfirechocolate · 13/02/2020 18:49

Yanbu
I started off treating everyone super fair. And then realized my kids were losing out as...
I rarely took them out just with me. They need that! They need it a lot really.
Your step sons should have plenty of one to one time with their Dad too.

Kids are not stupid and they know you have a unique relationship with your DD, you are her Mum. You are their step mum. It’s different. If you are expected to be totally the same it would be like saying you must be equal mum - and they’ve already got one!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/02/2020 18:50

I think a lot of posters on this thread could cause major damage to families if their advice was take tbh.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/02/2020 18:51

*taken

Warmfirechocolate · 13/02/2020 18:54

Also, I found that my step children did start to get very entitled. Everything we did with either my kids or anyone, they would expect to do too. E.g. if me and DH went out to the cinema ourselves. They would moan that DH hadn’t taken them.
If we had a take away while they were at their mums. They would moan and DH would get one in.
If my child had some fizzy drinks while they were at their mums, they moaned until we’ve got them too.

My children were taught not to expect twice of everything. If I did something while they were at their Dads... tough!

And I now find my step kids moan a lot, resent a lot, and are very entitled.

It’s wanting everything all the time that breeds resentment. Too high expectations and too much indulgence in material stuff with a lot of separated families. It’s like the parents give the kids to make up for their guilt.

Rachel1874 · 13/02/2020 18:55

YANBU!!

aSofaNearYou · 13/02/2020 18:57

Am I the only one that thinks people on this thread have very ambitious plans for this shopping trip and money?

Obviously how much £200 is worth will vary from family to family but OP sounds quite comfortable, and when I was a teenager at least my mum probably spent someone between £100-£200 every time we went shopping (a fairly regular, non exciting occasion) if we also got food. Not something I was aware of at the time but that money won't stretch that far, it's essentially just a fairly normal shopping trip budget. Not a big event to be jealous of.

Similarly, if I had to make a point of buying a present for everyone else in the family when I was there... it would probably take up a big chunk of the day and make it more of a gift buying trip than a fun trip. By all means buy something for SSs if it's quick and easy and you happen to see something, but it rather defeats the object of the day to have to dedicate it to thoughtfully picking out gifts for the rest of the family. I wouldn't have time to get any proper shopping done if I had to do this every time I went.

Tyersal · 13/02/2020 19:02

Love all the comments on here about the stepmum treating the kids equally, that's all well and good but SHE isn't equal is she

Flipflopalops · 13/02/2020 19:07

Definitely treat yourself & your daughter to a girly day out ..... I'm sure you include your step sons regularly but there's absolutely nothing wrong with having that special day with her especially if she's had a tough time at school ! IMO it's a necessity to have the odd mummy daughter day & as you've also been through it with the accident you too deserve the treat 🛍👍

Flipflopalops · 13/02/2020 19:14

Also if the stepsons grew up to resent you or your daughter because you had a girly day out!!! then your husband and his ex would need to give them a "massive " reality check ! As another op said that's utterly ridiculous , if needs be your husband could take the boys to see a film or something if you are really concerned that they could turn into spoilt brats over it ! Don't fret over it anymore do what your gut tells you ...you sound like a sensible caring adult so go with your instincts xx

Hanab · 13/02/2020 19:15

Treat your daughter & yourself .. your OH can do a guys day out 🤷🏻‍♀️

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 13/02/2020 19:16

I’m mum to two ds’s. We do things as a 3, they do things separately with their own dads, and I do things one on one with each of them. I actually think that one on one time, like you’re planning with your dd, is really important. In blended families it’s impossible for everybody to be equal all the time (and you’d tie yourself in knots trying to make it so!) Like I took both boys on holiday. Ds1’s df then took him on holiday with his dsis and extended family. Should I then insist ds2’s dad takes him away as well? So long as they’re all loved and cared for, that’s what really matters, not some arbitrary notion of fairness.

Mlou32 · 13/02/2020 19:19

YANBU. If your husband really won't let it go and you're happy to, could you maybe put aside 50 quid of it to treat you all to a takeaway night?

KarmaStar · 13/02/2020 19:27

Hi op!
Yanbu.go and enjoy yourselves and make happy memories.
I'm sure the mother of your step dc does not great your dc every time she treats hers.
Your husband is bu.
Have a lovely time.Flowers

Nonnymum · 13/02/2020 19:34

I don't see the problem. Do it on a day when you don't have the boys and just call it a girls day out. Even if all 3 children were your birth children you would not be unreasonable to sometimes take one out. Spending 1 to 1 time with them is important. And I assume sometime the boys have treats with their mother?

HillAreas · 13/02/2020 19:34

If you do this then your stepsons will grow up resenting your daughter, and (insert appropriate word here, I was going to say hating but though maybe a bit strong a word) you.
If that’s the case, just over their little sister having a nice day out with her mum, then they have been brought up to be entitled little arseholes who believe that why are the centre of the universe and their parents should be ashamed of themselves.

Cloglover · 13/02/2020 19:35

Have a lovely day out with your daughter. X

Seamar · 13/02/2020 19:35

I actually do think you are being unreasonable I'm afraid. I had a friend called Niall whose mother married a new man who would buy bikes etc for the later children that she had with him but not for Niall and his sister. Niall didn't understand that he didn't deserve a bike because he wasn't a full blood child. Niall had a tough life in general and later killed himself at the age of 27 but I always thought that stepdad could've been enough of a parent to save up and buy all the kids a bike instead of just his own. Isn't that what parenting is about?

niugboo · 13/02/2020 19:38

No. You are not.

Your step children presumably have a mother who treats them at times. It’s no different.

niugboo · 13/02/2020 19:40

@Seamar your mate didn’t kill him self over a bike.

There’s no suggestion the father isn’t responsible for his kids or that he shouldn’t treat them all equally but she isn’t their father. Just like their mother will be giving them things the poster has the right to the same.

Swipe left for the next trending thread