to be upset (engagement ring)

[asSASSin8]

Me and my DP have been talking about the future and wanted to know what style of rings I liked for when the time came. We have both been married before and I am trying to steer clear of what I had before as I would like something different this time round. He mentioned that he spent about £600 on his ExW's engagement ring, but when he's shown me ones he's looking at they've been about £150. I'm not too keen on the designs or materials the rings of that price range are made of (Silver and CZ).

AIBU to expect the same to be spent on me? This is making me feel like I don't somehow deserve as much as his ExW did and wondering whether this is setting a tone for our lives together.

Please help - am I being silly and materialistic, or would others feel the same?

I bought myself an eternity ring

Doesn't that rather defeat the point of them?

(Unless you were signalling everlasting love to yourself, which I suppose is a good thing! )

Sounds very silly.

I voted YANBU but think you best using your old ring. At his budget its not worth getting a ring. Even £600 is pretty cheap when you have a more expensive ring sitting in the drawer.

He hasn't got the money to get married and you're only a newish couple so cool your heels.

I don't think an engagement ring second time around is important

Whether or not to have a ring is obviously personal choice but I’m as married to my second husband as I was my first and it’s a longer happier marriage this time around.

Why would a second marriage warrant jewellery less than a first?

I don’t see the point in “tradition” for a second marriage either. Marriage is meant to be for life not just x period of time and then done again imo.

As for the amount spent on the ring, I’d be advising my son to run for the hills if his partner complained the amount being spent wasn’t enough. The ring wouldn’t matter a jot if two people really just wanted to take their vows together.

“I think you need to do a very brisk Beyonce strut to 'Single Ladies' in front of him until he gets the message”

For gods sake people - all the woman wants is an engagement ring worth having. Why make excuses for this man? He’s been married and divorced in the space of a few years; he bought her stupid SOCKS for her birthday and now he’s got the audacity to be showing her crap rings. It’s insulting. I see nothing redeeming in any of this. This is heading nowhere fast. Who could be bothered?

Buy from an antique shop and get a beautiful ring worth the same for a fraction of the price. You can get gold and diamonds then if you want.

Maybe he didn’t think you were as materialistic or shallow as his ex 🤷🏻‍♀️

Can't you chip in and choose something that you like for a price you can afford jointly?

I am trying to steer clear of what I had before as I would like something different this time round

@asSASSin8
I thought you didn't want the same as previous?

Make your mind up!

My fiancée's ring cost £10 as that's all I could afford.... Guess what? She loves it, cos it's not the ring, it's the sentiment.

I've never been married before (or engaged) as no one was daft to have said yes anyways! Plus I knew it wasn't going to happen!

I've only had 2 precious relationships previously (as an adult) one for 4 years (but very distant and more.like a continued holiday romance), the other for 8 years. Both turned shit, when I stopped being walked over.

My.fiancee doesn't do big brash solitaire rings, and what I got her, matched her style of ring... So what if it was sterling silver n diamonte (cz) .... She said yes (obvs) and Hayes when her hands n fingers swell from Rhumatoid Arthritis, as she can't wear it.... She used to wear it all the time. The girls in her old job thought it was the real thing.... White gold n diamonds.

Stop focusing on the value, and focus on the sentiment. Does it really matter to you? If so, you're shallow.

Do you love him unconditionally, and would you give your heart for him?

Or you more interested in status?

If it's just about status, and "showing off", then.dont bother getting married, and find yourself a sugar daddy, or a rich short bloke!

Change your attitude or change your relationship

I totally understand how you feel. My ex spent thousands on tech gear and music (he wasn’t professional in any of it, just hobbies) then when we looked at engagement rings he put a ceiling of £500 on it. It wasn’t that I wanted an expensive ring, just it said to me that his £10,000 stereo meant more to him than I did. It’s not the money, it’s what it represents.

He should spend one months wages

I think all jewellery should be worth wearing and this is a big purchase! If he spends £x and it sits in a drawer it’s a total waste and he would be insulted.

Why don’t you find a manufacturing jeweller, we have an amazing small place on our high street. Go with budget and Pinterest board and see what magic they can do! Then it’ll be something you both did together, maybe get wedding rings made too?

I love my rings but can’t wear them due to getting massively overweight after 4 babies. Getting them remade (design means it can be a simple resize sigh)

Had to laugh at the PP buying eternity ring herself.... I’ll end up doing the same as DH is clueless. He would buy me socks too! Means well but no idea!

I'm not a grabby person at all, but even I would be miffed that he's looking to spend £150 on a silver amd cz ring that won't last. He could spend a little bit more and get a lovely ring with semi precious stones that are beautiful but won't cost the earth. I suppose it depends on what you want. I have a diamond engagement ring but frequently covet unusual rings made with different stones and crystal or pearls.

Circumstances change, it's not about the money, but go together and choose 😁

Being engaged before is irrelevant. I would hold out for the diamond ring. Tell him to get saving!

.... it’s neither materialistic or shallow to want more than a £150 engagement ring!

YANBU or materialistic.

They say it's the thought that counts and the thought you are "worth less" than his ex is unpalatable and I don't blame you for being upset.

Unfortunately there's no getting around this one. Put the feelers out as to whether it's the style he's just looking at and if he's actually considering a cheap ring you will have to tell him how you feel but soften the blow and tell him you're happy to wait if money is the issue.

If he doesn't understand your feelings that's another matter altogether but you also need to try and understand his train of thought.

My DP spent £3k on his ex’s engagement ring. That’s never going to happen for me as he doesn’t have that sort of spending power any more. I’ve been married before too. I had a £120 engagement ring, that I had to sell for scrap value in the end as I was broke after the divorce. This time I’ve said I don’t want an engagement ring - means nothing really. I’m just having the wedding ring.

He should spend one months wages

Why? @MollyMinniesMum

Tradition ☺️

I personally think that it’s reasonable to want a nice quality ring that suits you and is to your taste.

So I have big man-hands - a delicate band and little stones look awful.

We considered big vintage rings and chunky modern ones but at the centre was ‘what would suite Merryoldgoat’

I’d not be happy with silver and CZ for the reasons already mentioned. But perfectly happy with a vintage gold/silver and turquoise one for less money.

For new rings I’d sooner pay £50 than £600 as you’re not getting anything especially good quality retail for that.

I think for him to tell you how much he spent and then show you some cheaper was very strange of him. Why does the price matter though?
Maybe finances are different now, there could be a number of reasons. I would be tempted to ask so that there is no underlying resentment going forward.

I'm a second wife and I understand it can be hard to feel like the world respects your marriage as much. Being treated as well as the first wife would tell you that your fiance thinks of this marriage as being equally meaningful. But, if his financial circumstances are different now, he may not be able to afford more. Or he may see and value you as being less demanding and high maintenance than his ex and therefore think you will want him to be sensible.

Personally, I didn't want a diamond. I don't find them especially pretty and I didn't want the same thing he gave his ex. I ended up with ring with a coloured stone that has personal meaning for us, and even though it isn't as durable as a diamond I quite like the fact that it has aged and worn with us. I would think about what would make a ring meaningful to you and to him and see what that ring would cost.

A 1930’s marketing campaign by De Beers is not tradition