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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset (engagement ring)

274 replies

asSASSin8 · 12/02/2020 08:46

Me and my DP have been talking about the future and wanted to know what style of rings I liked for when the time came. We have both been married before and I am trying to steer clear of what I had before as I would like something different this time round. He mentioned that he spent about £600 on his ExW's engagement ring, but when he's shown me ones he's looking at they've been about £150. I'm not too keen on the designs or materials the rings of that price range are made of (Silver and CZ).

AIBU to expect the same to be spent on me? This is making me feel like I don't somehow deserve as much as his ExW did and wondering whether this is setting a tone for our lives together.

Please help - am I being silly and materialistic, or would others feel the same?

OP posts:
lowlandLucky · 12/02/2020 15:30

Yet Another Spartacus & Anne Kipanki I still have the bloody thing but got my own back when we needed a new lawn mower, i bought the cheapest crappiest one i could find for him to use

dairyfairies · 12/02/2020 15:33

gosh, you sound about 8! why is the price tag so important?

AnneKipanki · 12/02/2020 15:34

@lowlandLucky 😂

katy1213 · 12/02/2020 15:38

The last wife won't be wearing hers every day for the rest of her life, will she? The whole idea of an engagement seems a bit tarnished second time round.
Why don't you wait and buy a ring as a birthday present when he can afford one you like?

sunshinesupermum · 12/02/2020 15:42

I'd go the second hand route for something unique and better value than buying brand new. I would hope he'd be able to spend more than £150 on a ring for you OP, as I agree it is an important event in your lives. Good luck!

Ninkanink · 12/02/2020 15:47

Relationship issues aside, I do think that if you end up getting married you should just buy a fantastic vintage ring to be your wedding ring, and skip the engagement palaver instead.

But seriously, don’t ever make someone your top priority if you’re just an option to them.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/02/2020 15:54

I would be pissed off at that. If he could afford the same kind of price range for your ring and just didn't want to spend that much, I would probably tell him where to stick his cheap ring. Fwiw, I don't think price of an engament ring matters, I would also wonder why he told you how much the othe ring cost.

TheHagOnTheHill · 12/02/2020 16:00

Skip the engagement ring and buy really nice wedding rings instead.
I didn't want one as I knew I would barely wear it so I had ,oddly considering an earlier post,a really good lawn mower(I was incharge if the garden and we had a huge lawn)

motheroftwoboys · 12/02/2020 16:00

I am long and happily married to DH2 (30 years); before that I was married to DH1 for 6 years and later engaged to someone else. When the current husband and I got together we didn't get engaged just got married. When DS1 was born I traded in my previous rings plus a bit more money and got a very, very nice second hand traditional solitaire diamond ring which I adore and wear every day. also it is worth LOADS more than when we bought it. Diamonds can be a very good investment. Alternatively, take your previous rings to a jeweller and ask him to design a ring to your taste using the gold and the stone - or upgrade to a bigger one.

kingkuta · 12/02/2020 16:01

So he hasn't asked you to marry him, but hes told you that he spent 600 on his ex ring and has shown you cheap ones he thinks will be suitable for you if the time ever comes? It's like he is actively trying to show you that you are second best and not to expect much. It seems such a mean and dismissive thing to do.

SabineUndine · 12/02/2020 16:07

I'm with the people who are saying 'get vintage'. You'll have a much more interesting ring, and far more personal to you, and it will be better value too if you choose carefully.

NameChangeNugget · 12/02/2020 16:12

Second marriages are different.

Expo · 12/02/2020 16:15

Yes it would annoy me as well. It just would. And I am sure it would annoy most people deep down. Especially as he knows you know that too

Expo · 12/02/2020 16:20

@namechangenugget why are second marriages different?

Nowayorhighway · 12/02/2020 16:23

Engagement rings are pointless anyway, I don’t have one because DH and I didn’t see the point in even being engaged. It’s such an outdated thing, just get married if you want to. I find many couples perpetually stay engaged and never get married.

77seven · 12/02/2020 16:29

“I'm with the people who are saying 'get vintage'”

I’m not Confused

Isn’t it a bit weird wearing someone else’s ring when you know nothing about their history? Maybe they died wearing it? Or maybe they sold it because they got divorced - in which case, it’s not a good omen, is it? I’d always be wondering.

firstimemamma · 12/02/2020 16:35

@Insaneinthemembury I agree with you fully.

My SIL to be's engagement ring didn't cost much but that didn't matter to her and they are a very happily married couple. I don't know or care about the price of my engagement ring. It's what it symbolises that matters to me.

NameChangeNugget · 12/02/2020 16:49

Hi @Expo

I think from experience of friends second weddings, the excitement isn’t the same as people have already been there and done that. It’s just not the same and more a case of here we go again.
If ever I split up with DH, I just wouldn’t bother. The failure stats of a second marriage are significantly higher 67% as opposed to 50% of first.

Each to their own of course Smile

fedup21 · 12/02/2020 16:50

I would quite happily have a second hand ring, but I wouldn’t want a cubic zirconia one.

Talk to him-explain what you’d like. Show him what you’re thinking of.

MrHodgeymaheg · 12/02/2020 17:15

I think you need to do a very brisk Beyonce strut to 'Single Ladies' in front of him until he gets the message.

SparklingLime · 12/02/2020 17:21

Talking about rings - especially telling you the cost of his ex’s and indicating what he would spend on yours - when you are not even engaged is bizarre. Sounds like he’s focussing on materialistic details rather than the relationship. And taking the opportunity to convey that you are worth less. Sounds like a good idea to take a step back, OP.
And don’t be so hard on yourself. He’s created this odd situation where you can’t help but see the comparison, it’s totally natural to be confused/uncomfortable about it.

Halloweenbabyy · 12/02/2020 17:27

I picked mine out with DH. It was around £3,000. Everyone’s circumstances are different though. I wanted a lush ring - which now is pointless since I have horrendous dermatitis and can’t really wear them 😭

Mariagatzs12 · 12/02/2020 17:28

I think the "been there done that" would really depend on each case. I was married for almost 10 years but never had a proper wedding nor an engagement/proposal. Because of that I feel like I missed out so this time round I'm waiting to get married until it can actually happen

allthedamnvampires · 12/02/2020 17:44

I'd agree that no ring is better than cz and silver. But this is your second time round. You're experienced and hopefully you can discuss this together, you can contribute if necessary. Don't put too much importance of his investment in the ring. Better you get something you can live with on your finger and not create any reserntment with you.

HazelBite · 12/02/2020 18:00

DH didn't buy me an engagement ring it was my 2nd marriage and in the 1970's it wasn't the done "thing" unless you were a celeb to flaunt a second engagement.
On our 40th wedding anniversary he bought me a very unusual art deco style saphire and diamond ring (it was nicer than the ruby version that he first saw
I don't think an engagement ring second time around is important, perhaps have a very spectacular wedding ring,