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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset (engagement ring)

274 replies

asSASSin8 · 12/02/2020 08:46

Me and my DP have been talking about the future and wanted to know what style of rings I liked for when the time came. We have both been married before and I am trying to steer clear of what I had before as I would like something different this time round. He mentioned that he spent about £600 on his ExW's engagement ring, but when he's shown me ones he's looking at they've been about £150. I'm not too keen on the designs or materials the rings of that price range are made of (Silver and CZ).

AIBU to expect the same to be spent on me? This is making me feel like I don't somehow deserve as much as his ExW did and wondering whether this is setting a tone for our lives together.

Please help - am I being silly and materialistic, or would others feel the same?

OP posts:
GrolliffetheDragon · 12/02/2020 12:30

£150 on a silver & CZ ring sounds more the budget of a love struck student.

I love silver jewellery, would never pay anywhere near £150 for a silver ring seems stupidly overpriced to me and the love struck student should learn to spend their money more wisely.

My engagement ring is gold, cost £60 second hand. I chose it.

Beautiful3 · 12/02/2020 12:37

£150 isnt going to get you a nice ring, unless its second hand? Go shopping with him and have a look at ones you do like, point them out. I didn't get an engagement ring. Instead I wanted a wedding ring with diamonds on it. I'm glad, as its lasted so long in good condition and I still love it.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 12/02/2020 12:37

The more expensive ring clearly didn't help their relationship!

MadamePewter · 12/02/2020 12:40

I wouldn’t want a silver and cz ring but would be quite happy with a vintage one or local jeweller more original ring no matter what price. I’d say it’s more about style than cost.

justasking111 · 12/02/2020 12:40

Is he unemployed, paying maintenance for children, how can I comment when not knowing his circumstances. Is he living with you for free and sending all money to ex. Are you going to be supporting this new husband of yours?

WalkingDeadTrainee · 12/02/2020 12:50

How long have you been together?
And. It sounded in one of your replies like you don't know each other's finances?
I agree with one PP. Engaged few years ago, ready to hop i to it again... Not that great imo

FrogFairy · 12/02/2020 12:54

It seems such a shame that your rings from your first marriage are just lying in your jewellery box and are worth so much more than your current budget. Presumably you loved them, why can’t you reuse them even if you have a tweak done.

Far more important than your ring is your current boyfriend. Is he kind, loyal, thoughtful, loving? Look at his personality and how he treats you and ask yourself honestly if you see this relationship being happy and successful long term.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/02/2020 12:59

He probably realises it is not the price of a ring it is amount the marriage.
Do you both agree to go low key this time. Have your old ring remade using the money for the extras. There are some great ex engagement rings on Ebay for £150.

WalkingDeadTrainee · 12/02/2020 13:00

I take my questions back.
Answer is 11 months, his DC in picture and somewhat jealousy to how his ex is being treated. And that's why you mind the price tag...

Are you sure this relationship is for you both?

BiBiBirdie · 12/02/2020 13:05

OP, my engagement ring came from Warren James and was £20. I don't give a shit, my son helped his dad pick it out and they had looked at loads of rings of all manner of budgets

You don't get engaged to get a bit of fancy bling, you get engaged as an indicator of your love for one another.

Frankly, you sound spoilt and entitled and seen as I assume if this is husband number 2 not a kid so should know better.

Anonanonanonanonanonanonanon · 12/02/2020 13:10

Maybe the cost of his first wife's engagement ring is on his mind because now he regards it as a waste of money, given that the relationship failed. Maybe he's a little more cautious this time.

chocatoo · 12/02/2020 13:19

I understand how you feel. You need to have a ring that you feel is special. The rule of thumb is that an engagement ring should cost approx a month's salary. Definitely buy second hand as you will get a lot more for your money and I would suggest that maybe you put some money towards it.
The alternative is to say no to an engagement ring and instead choose a nicer wedding ring, maybe one with some diamonds in or whatever. Again, perhaps you should contribute towards it.

PurpleDaisies · 12/02/2020 13:21

The rule of thumb is that an engagement ring should cost approx a month's salary.

Isn’t that a bit outdated now? Surely a ring should cost whatever the couple want to spend on it.

Original poster
asSASSin8 · 12/02/2020 13:22

I think taking in all comments, my feelings are stemming more than just about the ring. We're not getting engaged yet, it was just a discussion about the future. I think I will ask to stop talking about rushing the thoughts of the future and slow this down. I think we've both gotten a little swept up and the foundations are just not there yet to be at this point. I do appreciate all the comments

OP posts:
justasking111 · 12/02/2020 13:24

That is a wise decision OP. You obviously have reservations which have surfaced now.

Insaneinthemembury · 12/02/2020 13:31

I have no idea what my engagement ring cost, could have been £20 could have been £2,020! Honestly it means the world to me as it's what it represents.
I know someone who spent £10,000 on theirs and they're getting divorced. Means nothing.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 12/02/2020 13:37

Listen to your gut, this is raising alarm bells

77seven · 12/02/2020 13:40

OP, take no notice of the inevitable posts on here that will tell you you’re being silly / grabby / neurotic etc etc. You are NOT.

You have an absolute right to feel the way you feel. Don’t get gaslighted.

If course an engagement ring matters - it’s symbolic and supposed to last a lifetime.

If you want it to matter - then it does matter.

This business with him buying you socks is alarm bells for a start.

He must realise you’re upset by him showing you cheap rings. What’s he playing at? Maybe he’s trying to see how far he can push you and how little you’ll accept?

I would not bother telling him how much he should spend etc, because you shouldn’t have to. He shouldn’t even be showing you prices etc.

Maybe mention to him that you’re not sure what to do with your last rings because of the resale value versus the original cost etc.

If he still persists in trying to show you tat, I think you need to bin him because none if us need to put up with this kind of nonsense. Know your standards, stick to your boundaries and don’t allow yourself to be hoodwinked into thinking this is all you are worth.

LookToTreblesGoingTreblesGone · 12/02/2020 13:57

Go vintage!

I didn't get an engagement ring even though it was the first marriage for both of us. My gold wedding ring cost £50 from H Samuel, and after a few years I bought myself an eternity ring second hand from eBay, £30.

But my husband now generally buys me a vintage ring every year or so for my birthday, but never spends more than £150.

Buy vintage, you'll get something unusual for a bargain price!

WooMaWang · 12/02/2020 14:01

It's probably good that this has helped you to recognise some issues in your relationship, OP.

It seems to me that the issue here isn't the ring or the money (so lots of the posts about how it's only a ring/doesn't matter especially as you've done it before etc are kind is missing the point.

The big thing here is that he made sure to tell you his much he spent on his ex and then show you much cheaper rings for you. It's him that's making the comparison (and making it a thing) but you.

I'm not sure I'd want to be with someone who seemed to go out of their way (totally unnecessarily) to make me feel less important than an ex. Especially not if the comparison were made in the context of something like looking at engagement rings, where surely the intention should be to make you feel cared for and special to him.

It doesn't really matter if the budget is different now or whatever. There's just no need for him to have in any way mentioned what he spent on the ring he bought his ex at all.

LagunaBubbles · 12/02/2020 14:02

They got engaged a few years ago, so the ring prices haven't changed dramatically

Right he got engaged, married and divorced within the space of a few years? Is that contributing to your warning bells?

People are still going on and on about engagement rings, I don't think this has anything to do with rings at all.

Nonnymum · 12/02/2020 14:05

It's just a ring if you are happy about every thing else in your relationship just be grateful and don't worry about the price of a ring. Maybe he can't afford any more or wants to spend the money on something more useful for your future

EmeraldShamrock · 12/02/2020 14:25

You're right to take a step back slow things down. If this is an issue already it will get worse, comparison is the thief of joy.
With the ex wife around your insecurities will fester.
If you truly believd she is the past, you are his future it wouldn't be such a big issue, finances change.

AnneKipanki · 12/02/2020 15:15

Good @asSASSin8 .

I am not sure how long you have been together but keep an eye out for other issues.

justpulledinalldirections · 12/02/2020 15:16

I would be very annoyed and wouldn't marry anyone who gave me £150 ring