To tell DS he will need to leave

[Vaki]

DS is just about to turn 19 and currently still lives at home and credit to him pays his way and does household tasks.

But he has absolutely no future plans and when asked what career he wants or job he wants to do just says "idk or not got a clue". He got meh gcse's and a levels, but could have done better if he applied himself and actually revised.
He's currently working at a supermarket near us, sometimes working 6 days a week with his hours constantly changing.

I'm just worried that he is getting too comfortable working there and will just coast along in life, because he has low costs, he has lots of money to spend on things he wants to do and save up. But while all his mates are out getting amazing degrees such as one is doing medicine, one law, one chemical engineering, he's coasting and not developing himself in any way.

Aibu to tell him, by the start of next academic year in september, he needs to figure out what he wants to do and be working towards that, otherwise he will have to move out and actually support himself on his wage.

I jumped into a graduate job with graduate pay soon after uni. My friends drifted a few years.

I'm now tied by the wages to a job I pretty much hate, whereas friends earn way more. I wish I'd taken my time to really grow up first.

There are many different paths to take through life. His friends you mention are on one, he is on another. There is nothing wrong with taking longer to decide what to do. Some people don't find their vocation for years.
He is working hard, earning money, paying his way and helping at home. That's a great foundation. Don't think of it as "coasting".
Why don't you have a chat with him to praise how he has gone out and started work, started earning, begun adult life. Talk to him about longer term careers: maybe he does want to work in the supermarket forever, nothing wrong with that. If he doesn't, he could look into apprenticeships perhaps. Or why not suggest he saves up and goes travelling around the world for a year? At 19 he has a whole life ahead. Travel is a great way to explore life, meet people, try new things, get a perspective of what he thinks about all sorts while in a new environment.
I wish him luck

I think he sounds like a good kid tbh, perhaps helping him find something he’d like to do lots of Carter’s events about if Uni isn’t for him perhaps he could look at an Apprenticeship - The National Apprenticeship show holds events across the country and he could get some ideas.

I think that it's really hard for teenagers to 'know' what they want to do with the rest of their lives. His friends who have gone off to uni are probably every bit as clueless, despite paying a huge amount in fees. School just does not prepare you for the real world. Work does. And it really doesn't matter what sort of work. Make sure that he saves money up to either go towards uni fees/travelling/driving lessons and a car/towards a deposit to rent or buy a house and doesn't just fritter it all away. He may remain in the supermarket business and end up fast tracking into management/work his way up. Or it could give him the time to work out what he really wants to do with his 'life' ( I say 'life' as most people don't have a job/vocation for life. Perhaps explain this and focus on his transferrable skills). I think that you need to give him longer to figure this out for himself, with some gentle support/encouragement rather than any deadlines.

Ask him to enquire about the career prospects at his supermarket

Discuss with him that he should use hte opportunity of living at home to save a good whack, so he has e.g. a deposit to buy later

• if you're in the North, then saving a few hundred a month from now on can add up to a deposit in his early 20s.

he didn't apply himself and was very meh when it came to his exams and as a result got meh results.

Well as if you said yourself, that's fear of failure. He probably fears that if he had pushed himself, he would still have failed. If he doesn't push, in an odd way he stays in control. He can say he got meh results because he didn't put any effort in.

I would praise the things he has achieved. It sounds like he's hard working. He pulls his weight around the house - and that's pretty rare for a teenager. He's law abiding and not going off the rails. In many ways he's actually quite sorted.

Does he have any pursuits outside of work and study? I was pushed by my parents to study and I have great academic qualifications but as PP have mentioned that can actually hinder a career which doesn't require them. It's possible he will want to remain in a job that doesn't stress him but just brings in enough money to be comfortable. So maybe any challenges should come from outside of the need to earn money. What does he enjoy doing? Is he good at sport? Collecting things? Making things? Just encourage those things but encourage them as a means to an end.

And do be careful what you wish for. I pushed myself a lot. I have mental health problems and it's taken me until my late 40s to find any kind of happiness and confidence, and really, those things are invaluable.

"Ignore the parents of snowflakes replying here"

No, ignore the snobs here, looking down on ordinary jobs in retail that millions of working people do

However, discussing how he can work towards independence at say 22 - as a student might - is reasonable

This breaks my heart to see such a message, not all children know what they want to do at school or after leaving and not all kids are academic... he is working and contributing, he could be doing a lot worse, no job, no money, sponging off you etc. You want to be thankful he's got a job.
YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE OP.

Sorry, I should have said they're an end in themselves, not a means to an end. Tired. It's bedtime.

Bloody hell yabu!

It’s really hard trying to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life while you’re still a child.
Having a real job will probably help him decide if he wants a supermarket basic type job, to progress at the supermarket, or to do some more qualifications and get a different job.

My entire 6th form bar a handful of people went to university and most people chose a subject they were interested in rather than with a career in mind. When I graduated at almost 22, I still had no idea what to do.

Some people find their paths in different ways. Don’t write him off just yet!

I think YABU
Cut him a bit of slack and please stop comparing him to his friends

If you kick him out you will trap him in a low paid job forever because he won’t have the chance to invest time in working his way towards anything else and will be too worried about paying bills he can’t afford. He sounds like a nice lad give him a break, he will find his way and may eventually choose greater independence from you when he’s ready. You risk his mental health pushing him too soon.

He sounds like a lovely lad!

My suggestion would be to agree that if he is going to carry on as he is (which sounds just great to me), he gives you an extra £250 per month (on top of his rent/bills) which you put in savings for him.

At the end of say two years, he gets sent on his merry way with £6,000 to get himself housed, furnished etc.

It’s in his interests (if he hasn’t done already) to get himself driving lessons/test/licence within that timeframe too.

So he’ll be used to living with less money, but have something to show for it.

If in the meantime he decides he wants to go to uni or train for something else, then bonus.

I think £250 is very high, it wouldn’t cost me that much in food to keep a teen a month. Our mortgage and bills wouldn’t change either whether they were at work or education. He’s obviously contributing a lot towards the household, far more than most just turned adults I would imagine.

I certainly wouldn’t be encouraging uni unless his chosen career depended on it. All that debt isn’t worth it otherwise.

So he’s been ‘stagnating’ since June?

Is he saving for anything?

Has he got any friends who are on a gap year? Rather than kick him out I would encourage him to save enough to go travelling for a couple of months , May-June. Inter-railing maybe. Be independent, get a different sense of himself.

This feels unfair and harsh. My Ds1, a bit younger, has no idea what he wants to do.

At 19 I would be very proud of my child working full time. Not everyone is academicly inclined. He will find HIS own way, but at least for the moment he is occupying his time. There is nothing wrong with working in a supermarket, it does not mean you're less capable or less intelligent. Lighten up OP, you may unintentionally do more harm than good. Your message implies you don't think he is putting in any effort. Whether he becomes a first world leader or a bin man surely the important thing is that he is happy, not that you should be happy.

Glad to hear you've decided to back off a little OP. What you are saying isn't unreasonable. But it's hardly too late. Could you put it on the back burner for now and revisit it in a year or two? In that time who knows what may have come up for your son - getting serious with a partner, chance to go travelling with friends, offered promotion at his job, etc, so the situation may change naturally even without him having a career revelation.

As for your own feelings re uni, I'm sure it would have been better if you had the opportunity to go, but we all have regrets and missed opportunities and the grass is always greener.

I know for myself, I went straight to a degree (chosen at random as I didn't know what I wanted to do) because it's just what you do and I didn't want to waste time. Of course, now I've been in that pretty boring job for 15 years with another 30 still to go, I see that another year or two in my early 20s would have been nothing in the scheme of things.

But some people like working retail and aren't academic? He's young and could work his way up, he could be earning a hell of a lot of money if he one day manages a supermarket not to mention the amount he would learn about running a business if he did. I'm 31 and work in a convenience store. Granted I don't have any GCSEs or any education really due to making wrong decisions when younger and I've got kids so took a few years out but I'm not ashamed of it. I'm working and earning and happy. Surely that's what's matters. That he's happy? Why do parents feel they need to try to control their adult children's lives? Just be proud of him.

He’s a teenager, the decision making part of his brain won’t even be fully developed till he’s 25, stop your nonsense. Someone’s mummy encouraging them to be something they’re not will not turn them into a fanatic for labouring, leave him alone. I remember people always wittering on at me about what I wanted to ‘be’, the question still draws a blank. I don’t dream of labour. A job is to get money for my actual life, I don’t have labouring goals, I exchange my time for money and leave all thoughts of it at the door. If he wants, he can earn more money by taking on extra responsibilities at his job, but he’s a teenager so probably has more interesting ways to spend his free time than thinking of the next 60 years labour with no pension on a dying planet.

@SW16 , no he doesn't have any friends doing the same or similar to him, all his friends are at uni. I wouldn't call him the most sociable person, he goes out for drinks once a week with a few people from work and that's it really but then he's busy at work and working weekends doesn't help.

I don't think he's the travelling type, but we're off on a family holiday in summer, so i may suggest to him he could come with us or plan something himself

I haven’t rtft so no idea if you’ve mentioned which brand he works for but this literally was my younger brother at the same age, he scraped GCSEs, failed his a levels and worked full time at a big national supermarket (he started p/t at 16). He coasted, I would say probably until his early 20’s, not a standout member of staff, but also not terrible. Now in his mid 30’s he has progressed with the same employer to store manager and then sideways to work a 9-5 in their head office for a pretty decent wage. I think it’s a bit early to write him off, he’s just escaped education and is enjoying earning a proper wage, he’s paying his way (which my DB didn’t until he moved out at 25/6 ish but that’s on my DM for never making him). It is worth bearing in mind though that to get to that level in a supermarket they pretty much demand blood, the hours are brutal, they give zero shots about your life outside of work and if you pass it up there is always another member of staff to take your place on the management training schemes!

What sort of thing does he spend his money on?

That's amazing to hear @Holidaycountdown , if that's something DS would be interested in doing, i would be happy for him to do so. What was the wake up call that made him to want to progress?

Son works for the big T by the way