To tell DS he will need to leave

[Vaki]

DS is just about to turn 19 and currently still lives at home and credit to him pays his way and does household tasks.

But he has absolutely no future plans and when asked what career he wants or job he wants to do just says "idk or not got a clue". He got meh gcse's and a levels, but could have done better if he applied himself and actually revised.
He's currently working at a supermarket near us, sometimes working 6 days a week with his hours constantly changing.

I'm just worried that he is getting too comfortable working there and will just coast along in life, because he has low costs, he has lots of money to spend on things he wants to do and save up. But while all his mates are out getting amazing degrees such as one is doing medicine, one law, one chemical engineering, he's coasting and not developing himself in any way.

Aibu to tell him, by the start of next academic year in september, he needs to figure out what he wants to do and be working towards that, otherwise he will have to move out and actually support himself on his wage.

He is working and contributing. He is a adult. It is his life not yours. Yabu to consider throwing him out because his choices do not meet your expectations. Plus if he works hard he could get promoted in the supermarket and do really well. Know people who started stacking shelves or on tills and became supervisors or managers.

Your DS works hard, pays a fair contribution to the household and doesn't shirk from doing his bit round the house and you want to throw him out because YOU aren't happy that he's working in a supermarket? My God you sound awful! Your poor poor son : (

He's 18. If he wants to work in a supermarket for ever that's up to him, not you!

He has a job you are ashamed of and isn't training to be a lawyer so you want to kick him out.

Way to parent!

Presumably you knew he was heading for this supposed dead end years ago when he was doing exams and stuff. What did you do about it then?

I thought you were going to say he was long term unemployed, no interest in getting a job and was turning the house into a crack den.

He sounds ok. Not everybody is academic. As long as he's happy, working and contributing, I don't see an issue.

I didn't start my nurse training till I was 23 and my sister was a similar age when she started her degree.

Vaki in the nicest possible way- you have a chip on your shoulder for not getting the opportunity to go to Uni when you were younger. Perhaps you should look at going to uni now instead of trying to live through your son. I feel very sorry for your son. You are clearly very worried that people are looking down their nose at him just like you do. Let him live his life. Kicking him out at this age is really harsh and not helping him at all. You are punishing him for not meeting your expectations.

I think he should find out what kind of life he can actually afford on his own from his job. So he has to do the research, find out what his rent, council tax, bills, everything would be if he moved out. If he is happy with that then he moves out. If he decides that doesn't give him a good enough quality of life then he needs to come up with another career plan and start working towards it. He can keep the job he has and move out, or stay at home where it's cheaper and work on getting a better paying career.

He doesn't get to live at home forever with a cushy life because his costs are subsidised by his parents.

He doesn't get to live at home forever with a cushy life because his costs are subsidised by his parents

Working six days a week isn’t my idea of a cushy life.

He's only 19, Jesus. Given the poor boy a break, at least he's trying.

YABU (although it's understandable). His friends have done one term at Uni. He's not 'behind'. It sounds like you are very critical about his exam results and his job. Just leave him be for a bit, he'll either get bored or not and make his own choice accordingly. Perhaps you could try not mentioning it again for 6 months.

Working six days a week isn’t my idea of a cushy life.

Working 6 days a week but living a big, warm, clean house is a fair bit different to doing it living in a chilly bedsit or mouldy house share because it's what your wage covers, isn't it though?

I think I've realised that pushing him to decide and being on his back about choosing, has made him clam up. So i will give him more space and time to decide on his own and let him choose his own path, be that retail, uni or another job

He has a job you are ashamed of and isn't training to be a lawyer so you want to kick him out

Way to parent!

^^This, sadly.

Good call, OP, the less pressure you put on them, the more likely they are to sort themselves out in my experience.

I think it's wise to back off a bit OP. I know I clammed up with my parents at times because I knew what they hope for and expected, and was upset that I couldn't deliver that.

Im not sure i get you-you want hm to grow up choose a path but you'll buy his underwear for him?

Myabe first try putting his rent up and he can buy his own clothes etc so he can get used to being an adult first

We buy his basic clothes because that's what his keep is for, if he wants nice clothes then he buys them himself.
His keep is to cover his costs to the family and help us out, so I've no problem with buying him some socks or boxers etc as that's what the money is for

@MintyMabel , what i did was hire him a tutor in his worst subject and encourage him to revise and practise but you can't exactly force a teenage boy to do proper revision now can you?

I'm not ashamed of him, i love him, I'm jusy stressed that he'll get too comfortable, he'll coast, not develop and then find out too late that he won't be able to do what he wants.

He can always resit his A Levels. He's only 19.

@Clockonmantlepiece not at the college I work at. 19 is too old and he would have to do a HE Access programme

He doesn't want to do A Levels again and he doesn't want to do a HE program. Why would he give up his full time salary if he doesn't have the drive?

OP I think it boils down to whether you want him to live at home until he's 30. I'm not saying that's going to happen, but judging by the way you've spoken about him it could be a possibility. If you're not willing to accept that address it. If you're happy for him to be home as long as he wants leave him to it. He'll find his own way either way.

Just be aware you may push him away.

OP I think I’m your shoes I would encourage an apprenticeship. So many youngsters leave uni now with debt and still end up in entry level jobs. Uni is not the be all and end all. He could become a craftsman/tradesmen and they earn really very well.

can't exactly force a teenage boy to do proper revision now can you?

Best jut to give up on him altogether then kick him out at 19 when he isn’t meeting your standards.

Mumsnet approach is all children need booting out the family home the moment they turn 18/earn a wage/behave in a way mummy doesn't like. God forbid you'd still support anyone you love once they're an adult.

@Apricotfool from experience, apprenticeships are only worthwhile if they're in an industry you can't get into without specialist training. Otherwise, you're used as cheap labour.

When I was 17 I started an apprenticeship in Customer Service (I know) and within a week was doing the exact same job as everyone else there. The difference? I was earning £98 a week, they were all earning a full salary.
I already had experience in customer service. I actually took a pay cut for the apprenticeship. I thought the qualification would help me. It didn't.

He'll also be overqualified for most apprenticeships because he already has level 3 qualifications. Unless it's for a level 4 qualification (foundation degree level I believe) the company won't get government funding so won't employ him.