To tell DS he will need to leave

[Vaki]

DS is just about to turn 19 and currently still lives at home and credit to him pays his way and does household tasks.

But he has absolutely no future plans and when asked what career he wants or job he wants to do just says "idk or not got a clue". He got meh gcse's and a levels, but could have done better if he applied himself and actually revised.
He's currently working at a supermarket near us, sometimes working 6 days a week with his hours constantly changing.

I'm just worried that he is getting too comfortable working there and will just coast along in life, because he has low costs, he has lots of money to spend on things he wants to do and save up. But while all his mates are out getting amazing degrees such as one is doing medicine, one law, one chemical engineering, he's coasting and not developing himself in any way.

Aibu to tell him, by the start of next academic year in september, he needs to figure out what he wants to do and be working towards that, otherwise he will have to move out and actually support himself on his wage.

I'm in the NE and my 19 year old is at Uni and is struggling. Let your son progress at his pace and ah sees fit. This is his path to walk on, not yours.

The lad is 19 give him a break. What if he's perfectly happy working at the supermarket? What if he naturally ends up climbing the ladder into management? There is NOTHING wrong with working in a supermarket. I feel it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to people who work in supermarkets to imply he has no ambition because of it. Yes some people coast in life but your son sounds like a grafter and I'm sure it's noticed by management. Or one day he might wake up and want to do something different. Your son is employed full time, paying rent and helping round the house. A far cry from most lazy boys that age who sleep all day, play games and barely leave their rooms.

My mum was/is similar down to the "x is at y uni", "a is a doctor" ,"b got a scholarship " etc.

If it helps I did move out by 23, in fact I moved countries. We talk on the phone and see each other every other year. When she starts with the butthurt of x, a and b while I still haven't achieved much I just claim I need to do something and put the phone down.

I don't have the big mansion and high flying career but I'm ok and more importantly my mental health is much better .

He'll go eventually, if you chase him out though be mindful that he might not return.

@TheTruthAboutLove
What if he doesn’t move out?
What’s an appropriate age for you to push him out?

19 isn’t a child.

What’s the hurry? Why can’t he continue doing what he’s doing until he figures it out? If you don’t know what you want to do, how does pressure and ultimatums make you work it out any quicker? He’s being responsible, paying his way, chilling a bit. It’s ok to do that. It’s hard to see someone with the world at their feet seeming to ‘settle’ but it’s his life and you just seem to be comparing him to his friends. Is he happy enough?

At the age of 19 I had no idea what I wanted to do. I had a full time job but apart from that, I still lived at home and never had a hope of moving out on my own.

I would certainly encourage him to look into courses he could do to further his career. I did a degree through the OU part time and would really recommend it. They do an 'open degree' where you can pick and choose subjects every year so you aren't tied to a certain subject if you aren't sure about what you want to do. Just the doing of it has given me a massive leg up with employers so maybe see if there is something he would be interested in.

Ask him to come up with a plan but I certainly wouldn't be forcing him to move out otherwise he will never progress as he will always be working away to pay rent. You need to play the long game with him. If he won't do a course or commit to furthering himself, then up the rent at home and save the extra to help generate a deposit for him.

Id be the happiest mother alive if my eldest was anywhere near as 'sorted' as yours. Mine can't even hold down a job

Also he’s saving? Jeezo that’s a great things to be doing. Maybe he’ll go travelling, or start his own business, or maybe he’s saving to move out ASAP.

I'd like to actually say thank you to everyone, even those telling me I'm a terrible mum, because it has been a wake up call.

@ProperVexed , i think we maybe have to realise our sons are their own person and even though we don't like there relaxed and chilled out attitude to life and their development, we have to respect it.

I think I'm going to approach him and discuss about good financial management of the money he does have first of all, as a way to broach what he wants to do with the money. Then move on to discussing that, while there's no rush, to be able to have the same amount of income when he's older, he will need a job with better income.

Maybe I've been pushing him to decide so much that it has scared him to decide, so I'm going to lay off the pressure and just offer any guidance if he asks

He left school at 15, did no GCSE's or a-levels and was working in PC world until the age of 21

Yes and he was 21 when his mum insisted he leave, not 19. The op's son has only just finished his A Levels. Give him a bit of time. If he gets to 21 and is still coasting, maybe then is the time to think about a nudge, he is still young.

Pleased to hear that Vaki. He is not lazy that is for sure. Let him work out what he wants. A career in supermarkets is a good one if you have the right aptitude, hard work but very good pay. Have a look at the company and see what their career tracking is.

You are not a terrible mum, just a worried one! I've never been brave enough to post about my DS knowing I'd get a pasting. However, I thought the consensus would to throw him as he is 18 and an adult. Funny how contrary MN can be.
Anyway there is lots of good advice here for both of us. Onwards and upwards!

@fromnowhere this is one of the most sensible and realistic posts I've seen in a very long time

You want your ds to leave your home because he's so much more responsible than many other teenagers but doesn't fulfill your desire to boast speak of your 'son at university''?

Maybe he'll make a career out of working in retail - take a look at the salaries of CEOs of M&S and other large retailers - and may decide he wants to do a Business Studies degree, in which case I recommend he applies to Harvard.

Maybe he'll find his vocation when his peers have finished their degrees and settle into their chosen professions.

Whatever, at nearly 19 there's no rush for him to commit to a university course and if I had my way no-one would be allowed to step over a university threshold before they were 21.

Remember the tale of the tortoise and the hare, OP? Your ds may surprise you but, in any event, as long as he's happy you can congratulate yourself on having raised a fine young man.

@ProperVexed , i think i knew i would get a pasting, but it's better to get ripped to shreds here then rip my sons love for me up.

Indeed there's good advice, certainly going to have to re read it all again.

I think that's it I'm not worried about bragging rights or being able to go to friends and be ooh look how good my son is. I'm worried he will coast and not decide what he wants to do, and then it will be too late for him to achieve it. But it is honestly heart warming to see that so many people took some time to figure out what they wanted and are happy with their choices.

I personally don't think that in this day and age, it's unreasonable to be living with your parents at 19, but if you're living in an area where it's attainable to be able to live alone affordably, then early 20's fair enough. I appreciate my eldest is only 12 so it's not something I've yet have to give much though to. I may well feel differently in a few years! And i did actually move out at 19!

You could possibly keep increasing rent etc over time, and once he realises that being an adult means that in most cases, most of your income becomes necessary outgoings, he may well start to want the perks of having his own space and moving out might be a natural progression.

Blimey, my NDNs son still lives at home and is 31! Works locally but no plans yet to fly the nest, they all seem happy with the set up. Personally, I wouldn’t be happy with that arrangement but I think, OP, your son at nearly 19 is doing fine.

I just think the North-East isn’t the world of opportunity you might think it is in terms of jobs, especially with no formal training or qualifications.

If he’s earning £1.5k on a good month in a supermarket that’s way better than any entry level roles I know of (and I’ve been researching them all day for comparison!). If you’re unskilled and untrained in the North-East you’d be looking at agency factory work, retail or call centre. Retail is the only real one with a clearly defined career path with various different roles to take. Just look at FMCG Recruitment Agencies on LinkedIn to see the world that can open up to people who rise through the ranks. The brand management positions are £50k plus and most came from supermarkets! Factories you have to actually enjoy being in one place all the time pushing a button and call centre has such a quick turnaround between starting and leaving. Or an apprenticeship but they seem to be dwindling at the moment and the pay is terrible.

Earning the amount he does a month puts him in a fabulous place going forward, and hopefully he’ll decide in his own time if he wants to carry on and progress to management or go back to uni and train in something. He just needs some gentle encouragement and I’m sure he’ll have a fantastic career in future.

He sounds like an absolute gem and a great son, you just need to be there to help him choose when he does get to the point of wanting a change!

Would you tell him to leave if he was at uni?
What a horrible attitude, he’s 19, give him a chance, my DS didn’t decide what to do until he was 19.

i think i knew i would get a pasting, but it's better to get ripped to shreds here then rip my sons love for me up.

I think this was a very moving thing to say. I wish you and your son luck and love.

Yabu. some people in life are happy to coast along. As long as he is happy and he’s paying his way, I don’t see the issue.

He sounds wonderful - working hard, paying his way and doing household tasks. And he's not yet 19!

Don't charge him more rent in order to make him feel uncomfortable and don’t push him to go to uni for the sake of it. If he has average A levels and no clear interests it would be wrong to encourage him to take a degree for the sake of it and possibly end up with no clear way forward. Let him bank the possibility of a degree until he’s sure he wants to use it. He may in future find something that really interests him, take the necessary A levels and go on to study. Or he may do something completely different.

If you're worried about his wellbeing and confidence you could gently encourage him to travel. Show him the Workaway website (www.workaway.info/) where hosts across the world offer food and board in return for a limited amount of work. My dcs and their friends have had amazing experiences through this site, eg working on a ranch in Argentina, in family restaurant in Vietnam and on a smallholding in Canada. They have paid for these trips themselves, essentially only having to find money for return travel, insurance and a little bit of spending. If you don’t need all the rent money your ds pays you, set a little aside and give it to him as a gift to do this. If he doesn’t want give up his job he could use his annual leave. A glimpse of another world could be life changing.

And don’t compare him unfavourably to his peers. Things are seldom as they seem and, in any case, only after his friends have been out of uni for a few years will it be clear whether they made the right choices. If you want to increase your ds’s confidence praise him, encourage him and show him you have confidence in him. And remember it’s his life.

I'm worried he will coast and not decide what he wants to do, and then it will be too late for him to achieve it.

I can honestly understand that but he's only (nearly) 19. He's just starting out. Why write him off already? If in 2-3 years he's still the same,no aim,coasting then fair enough to get harsh. Even then he'll only be 21-22, and plenty of time for uni, apprenticeship, learning a skill or a trade and starting a career. He has at least 50 years left to work. Does it matter if the first few are in a supermarket while he figures out what to do?

I did a degree, got a decent job etc and it's bloody stressful. I'd be encouraging the follow:

Get him to set up a savings account and DD 20% of his wages

Encourage progression and training within the supermarket he works in. They might help him to pay for a degree later down the line IF that's what he wants. No point hom doings degree now if he doesn't know what he wants to do

Put more stress on happiness - a degree isn't everything

At 19, my DS worked in a factory full time. The same DS who was labelled at 'gifted' by his school and spent his school years in accelerated/advanced classes. Didn't put in academically in his final year and didn't get great results.
I have to be honest and say it was hard to sit back and bite my tongue. I did though. Offered guidance where I could, and I bit my tongue when I wanted to ask him why he was 'wasting' his potential.
He wasn't, he knew what he was doing and every year he has spent 3 months of the year since then travelling overseas. He has a great social life, is a decent, respectful young man and, to be honest, I envy his attitude sometimes.
Anyway, he's gone back to Uni at 22. He says he always knew he would, he just didn't see the rush and wanted to 'live' a little first.
OP, I seen no reason you can't question his plans, or ask where he sees himself heading. It's just a matter of doing so without disappointment trickling in or seeming to 'nag'. It's hard, I know but do it 'right' and it may also be an enlightening or reassuring conversation